Save me, p.15
Save Me, page 15
"So?" He asked, taking a step closer, only inches in the gap between us.
His scent intoxicated me enough to momentarily lose my rational thinking ability.
"Huh?"
He brushed his knuckles over my cheek, sending shivers down to my toes.
"What did you want for your birthday, Andi?"
A couple of days ago I would have answered this question very differently. The truth was, having Will forgive me and knowing he was going to stay was all I really needed. After the things I said to him, I certainly didn't deserve it, but I was so grateful nonetheless. Standing here with him so close though, I was having a hard time even taking a breath, much less giving him an answer.
"What's the matter, cat got your tongue?"
With his free hand, Will reached up, sliding his hand behind my head, tilting it up to his. He leaned down to whisper into my ear.
"Tell me what you want, Andi."
His breath was hot in my ear and it took my breath away. I could feel my heart pounding in my chest so hard I thought surely he must feel it too.
"Breathe, Andi."
Will chuckled before moving back a few inches. I hadn't even realized I was holding my breath. Will's amusement snapped me back to a state of minor brain functioning and I realized I must have looked like a complete idiot. I felt that now familiar heat spread across my cheeks. I pulled my hands from his and turned away to save myself the tiniest bit of dignity I had left.
"Dinner's ready," Janet said from outside the door.
Finally, that woman actually had something helpful to say. I practically ran past Will and to the kitchen.
I don't know how she managed it, but Janet came up with some sort of casserole for dinner made with canned chicken, peas, corn, and some pasta. It wasn't going to win her the title of next great chef, but it was good to have something that resembled something Mom would have cooked. After dinner, Janet pulled out the closest thing I'd seen to a cake in ages. It had a crushed graham cracker crust with pudding and graham crumbs on top. There was a single candle in the middle, the kind that sing happy birthday. Its battery was nearly drained and it sounded awful but the sentiment brought tears to my eyes. Janet, Will and Dan all sang Happy Birthday to me.
"Make a wish sweetheart," Dan said, snapping a photo with my camera.
A wish.
Here in this moment, I wasn't sure I deserved anything better than this. I couldn't believe I was lucky enough to have Will forgive me. Even Janet was being nicer. Still, there was something I was kind of hoping for. At nineteen, it was about time.
"The candle is going to be gone before you decide," Janet said, irritated.
I closed my eyes, hoping I hadn't asked too much of the universe already, and blew out the candle.
The pudding was warm and really needed some whipped cream, but it was still one of the best things I'd tasted in longer than I could remember. Mom used to make cakes in the beginning while she was cooking something in the oven. It took a long time for the gas to cut off, so we were really lucky. She had gone through an extreme couponing phase for awhile before the outbreak and had so many boxes of cake mix and frosting down here that I thought we could have lived off it for the next ten years.
After the cake, Will pulled me aside while Janet and Dan took care of the mess.
"I think it's time we talked now."
I wanted to tell him it wasn't, not wanting to risk saying anything that would piss him off and ruin what had turned into a really nice birthday. I couldn't help feeling like I was pushing my luck with Will even hoping things would stay good, or from wondering if he was being nice because it was my birthday. Will had a habit of being nice then acting like being with me was the last place he wanted to be. The whole week before we met up with Janet, he hardly talked to me, angry because I left without telling him, making him worry. I thought then that he was trying to prepare me for when he left. Even though I had managed just fine on my own before him, I hadn't been proving that since. Part of me was afraid that what Will wanted to talk about was leaving. I couldn't be sure that when he said he would stay that he didn't mean just for now. If Will was planning on leaving, I didn't want to know right now. I just wanted to believe things would be all right for a little while longer. Will wasn't in the mood to say no however, pulling me into the bedroom.
"Andi," Will started, not looking at me. "Things can't go on like this."
Okay, here we go.
~Chapter Eighteen~
"I think we need to just wipe the slate clean."
Well, that wasn't what I expected.
"I'm tired of being angry and worried and frustrated, Andi. Aren't you?" He turned to look at me, his eyes pleading.
"Yes," was all I could manage to get out of my mouth.
"I owe you an apology," he sighed, taking a seat on the bottom bunk bed.
Again, not what I was expecting. I was starting to think I was lost in an old episode of the Twilight Zone or something.
"No, Will. I'm the one who needs to apologize."
I had so much to apologize for that I didn't even know where to start.
"True," he flashed me a crooked smile, lightening the mood considerably. "However, you're not the only one. First of all, I want to apologize for my behavior last week. I know I was kinda being a jerk."
"Kinda?"
He wasn't 'kinda' being a jerk. He was most definitely being one.
"Yeah, okay," Will laughed. "I was a jerk."
"I deserved it."
"No, Andi. You didn't." Will sighed, wiping his hands over his face a few times. "I've gone over this in my head so many times but now I don't know how to explain it."
I sat down next to Will on the bed and leaned my head against his arm. I had no idea what he was trying to tell me, but I could see it was difficult for him.
"When I walked into that cabin that day and saw you there like that, on the floor, bruised and covered in blood..."
He closed his eyes tightly. I could tell he was reliving the memory in his mind. He took a deep breath, opened his eyes, and continued.
"I felt so guilty--"
"What happened wasn't your fault, Will. You can't blame yourself for that."
Sure, at first, I had blamed him too. I was hurt and angry that he didn't do anything to stop them from taking me but deep inside, I always knew there wasn't anything he could have done.
"You really are going to have to let me finish you know?" He smiled, kissing the top of my head, and continuing again. "When I saw you, like...that," he swallowed hard, "something inside me snapped. I promised myself I was going to keep you safe. No matter how many times you told me you could manage just fine on your own."
He shook his head at the thought. I guess I deserved that. I may have done okay before I met Will, but since, well, since I met him I couldn't seem to stay away from danger. I wanted to mention that, but figured it wasn't going to help. I kept my mouth shut and let him go on.
"When we got back here, you were pretty out of it from the concussion. By the way, remind me later to tell you some of the things you said when you were delirious and half-conscious. You were pretty funny."
Great. I didn't even want to imagine the things I had said. My sleep talk was bad enough.
"Anyway, I was pretty scared, ya know. I didn't know if you were gonna be alright. I didn't sleep the whole time. I just watched you...and worried. Then when I finally agreed to go to sleep, you take off on me. Waking up finding you gone was worse than watching the cousins walk off with you. At least then, I knew where you were likely to be. Not knowing where you were, Andi, I didn't even know where to look."
I could hear the exasperation in his voice, like he was going through it all over again. I felt so guilty hearing what I put him through. There really was no way I could ever make this up to him.
"At first when I found you, I was so angry. I could see that you were crying and I didn't even care why. I was glad. I wanted you to feel as bad as I did. I'm so sorry, but I did. I thought that I was okay with it afterwards, and I believed you when you promised not to disappear again but then, I don't know..."
Will got up and paced the room. I stood, but didn't make a move toward him. I could tell he needed his space while he worked through what he was trying to say.
"I guess I felt like no matter what I did, I was going to lose you. Like, no matter how hard I could try to keep you safe, you would fight me on it. I felt so helpless, angry. You really have a knack for trouble, I hope you know. "
He stopped, looking at me, half smiling, but in a sad way. I knew Will was angry with me last week, but I thought it was because he wanted to leave and felt obligated because I was such a mess. Now, if he's telling me what I think he means, he was really just afraid of losing me again. That of course made me feel like an even bigger idiot.
I wanted to throw my arms around his neck and tell him how sorry I was, promise him I'd never do anything so stupid again, but I couldn't. My feet felt cemented in place.
"Andi, when you told me you wanted me to leave, I believed you."
And there's the dagger through my heart.
I'd never forget the look on Will's face that night. I knew how much I hurt him and I just sat there letting him suffer. He looked nearly as injured telling me now.
"I was up all night trying to come up with reasons you might have said that besides it being the truth. I just didn't want to believe it. By morning, I was ready to give you the chance to take it back, to tell me you didn't really mean it. Then I walked in here and saw you and Dan, and..."
"Will, nothing was going on. I swear. I just fell off the bed and--"
"Andi, I know. Dan and I talked about it. I'm sorry I thought that. I guess I made the same assumptions that you did with Janet and me."
He was right. I saw them together and it looked bad. I assumed something that I had no right to assume. I don't know why it was so hard to believe that nothing was going on with them. Maybe part of me wanted there to be so I had something to blame if Will didn't reciprocate my feelings. In fact, it gave me an easy out so I didn't even have to tell him.
"I'm sorry I've been such a tool. I'm so afraid of losing you."
Even when he was sad, his green eyes sparkled making me want to stare into them forever. I couldn't take seeing him like this anymore. I nearly propelled myself into his arms, snuggling my face into his warm chest. He wrapped his arms around me, holding me against him, resting his face against my hair. It wasn't exactly what I had wished for on my birthday candle. It was so much more. All the time I thought he was mad at me, getting ready to leave me, he was afraid...of losing me. That meant he really did want to stay. Didn't it?
Pushing myself back from his chest and looking up into his eyes, I asked, "That means you're not leaving right?"
Will laughed, a happy laugh, a sound I hadn't heard in too long.
"I'm not leaving, probably not even if you tell me to. You aren't going to tell me to again, are you?" He was smiling this time, already knowing the answer.
"I sure hope not!"
Will picked up the pendant that hung around my neck, smiling sadly at it.
"It was in Zach's pocket. Dan gave me the necklace for it for my birthday."
I suddenly felt the need to explain, feeling guilty about the gift. Will brushed his knuckles along my cheek and smiled.
"I know. Dan asked me if I minded if he gave it to you, if we found you that is. He really is a good guy, even if he does have a thing for you."
"Does he? I hadn't noticed," I teased, wiggling out of his arms and batting my eyelashes at him dramatically.
Will smirked, folding his arms over his chest, watching me with amusement.
"You know damn well he does."
"Well, so? I'm a single girl."
I was toying with him but trying to feel him out at the same time. Will's mixed signals had made me doubt everything my gut told me since we met. Whatever this was between us sure felt like more than a friendship but what did I know. I was a nineteen-year-old girl who had never even had her first kiss. A zombie apocalypse wasn't exactly good for the love life. Before the outbreak, I was positive my first kiss would be with Zach. Even after, for awhile, I thought it would be him. Living together though, just made things different, weird. I was waiting for everything to be perfect, but that was never gonna happen. Perfect was an illusion before, now, it wasn't even possible in fantasies.
"Are you?" Will asked, shaking overgrown black waves of hair from his face.
I could tell he wasn't going to make this easy on me.
"Aren't I?"
I was trying to play a game I didn't even know the rules to. Will might have looked young, but he was 23. He was well past adulthood before the outbreak. Standing here with him now, he looked confident. And, he knew I wasn't. He took a couple steps closer to me, dropping his hands down to rest on the waistband of his already low jeans.
"Isn't that something you should know the answer to?" He gave me that irresistible lopsided grin.
"Yes," I answered, practically in a whisper.
Okay, I was in over my head here.
"Then why don't you?"
He took a couple more steps toward me. His eyes looked right into me, giving me shivers and causing my heart to beat faster and harder in my chest. My mouth felt suddenly dry, words struggling to find their way to my parched lips.
"I...I'm..."
Will took more steps, closing the distance between us to inches. I could feel his warm breath on me. My own breath was coming faster, yet leaving me feeling like I couldn't get enough oxygen. He slid his hand across my cheek behind my ear, to cradle my face, gently tilting it up toward him. I stood there, paralyzed, my heart pounding out of my chest.
"Maybe there's something you can tell me?"
"Yes?" The word just barely made it up from my throat.
"Yes," he repeated, matching my low whisper.
Will brought his other hand around me, looping his fingers into the waistband of my jeans. My cheeks grew hot with the anticipation of what I hoped was about to follow.
"Tell me Andi," He spoke slowly, dragging out each word until I felt like my legs would give out from the tension. "When you blew out your candle, what did you wish for?"
He pulled me up against him, our bodies pressed together. My brain was aware of what he asked but it wasn't functioning to the point of being able to string words together into coherent sentences for an answer. Will's smile told me he was fully aware of the effect he was having on me and that he was enjoying it, a lot.
"No answer? That's okay baby, I think I already know."
He leaned his face down close to mine, letting his lips brush up against mine and whispered against them.
"You already told me in your sleep."
I had been staring at those delicious lips of his until my brain registered what he just said. My eyes snapped up to his, probably betraying my brief panic. I hoped whatever I said in my sleep wasn't more embellished than the truth. The anticipation of a kiss had me barely able to breathe, anything more, well, I wasn't ready to even think about that. Will laughed, still enjoying making me squirm like this for a moment longer before bringing his mouth down softly on mine. His warm tongue parted my lips ever so slightly, just barely making contact with my tongue, swirling the tip with his before pulling back slightly just out of reach of my hungry mouth.
"Are you sure you're ready for this baby?" he whispered against my lips.
No longer able to hold back, my hands found their way into his hair, pulling him closer to my waiting mouth. That was all the encouragement Will needed. His mouth was hot, needing, hard against mine. His tongue gliding over mine sent shock waves of tingling throughout my body. I could feel my legs weaken, threatening to give out. Will's hand wrapped further around my waist, keeping me on my feet, just barely. I never felt like I needed anything more in my life than I needed his mouth right now.
Much sooner than I wanted, Will eased back, taking his mouth from mine, leaving me disappointed with the withdrawal. I had waited so long for this kiss. I didn't want it to end, ever.
"Breathe, Andi," Will chuckled.
I hadn't even realized I was holding my breath again until he spoke. Who needs oxygen anyway? Will made sure I was steady enough to stand before bring both hands up to cup my face.
"Do you still feel single?"
Honestly, at that point I would have said anything he wanted just to get his mouth back to mine. Not that it wasn't true. I wanted to believe that all this meant what I wanted it to mean, that Will and I were more than friends. But what did I know? I had been asked out on one date. A date that was never able to happen because zombies took over the world.
I shook my head.
"Good, because you aren't."
~Chapter Nineteen~
The rest of the evening was spent with everyone in the living room talking and laughing like a group of old friends just having a good time. It was strange at first, having everyone get along so well, and honestly, I was surprised they seemed to forgive me so easily for taking off and putting them all at risk. Even Janet held her sarcastic remarks and disgusted looks to a minimum. My guess was it was due to it being my birthday, but part of me still figured that wouldn't make a bit of difference to Janet. Will must have talked to her and told her to behave. Whatever the reason, I was glad to have everyone getting along. Moreover, not having them all mad at me was definitely a positive.
I was the first one to give in and admit it was time to crash, even though Dan and Janet had been yawning for nearly an hour. I prepared myself for the usual sleeping arrangements, reminding myself that I was with Will now and he and Janet were just friends, even if he slept in the same bed with her draped across him. As with so many things lately though, I was wrong. Will was already in my room when I finished brushing my teeth. He was sprawled out on my bed, patting the space next to him for me to join. I stood in the doorway, a little surprised to see him there. Okay, I was a lot surprised, and nervous. Images of our earlier earth-shattering kiss sprung into my mind. I felt my heart thumping in my chest just at the memory. I had slept in the same bed with Will before but things were different now. I didn't know exactly what would be expected of me now. I mean, we were two consenting adults, who obviously had some intense chemistry, and were now about to sleep in the same bed together.
