38. What aroma brings forth a special memory?

  39. Describe the scariest person you ever met.

  40. What’s your favorite thing to do alone?

  41. Tell me about a childhood friend who used to get you in trouble.

  42. Tell me about a time when you had too much to eat or drink.

  43. Describe your first away-from-home living quarters or experience.

  44. Tell me about a time that you lost a job.

  45. Share a memory of one of your grandparents.

  46. Describe an embarrassing moment you’ve had.

  47. Tell me something most people would never guess about you.

  48. What would you do if you won a million dollars?

  49. Describe your ideal weather and why.

  50. How did you learn to ski/hang drywall/play piano?

  3

  TAKE THE PLUNGE: START A CONVERSATION!

  You are armed with a pocketful of icebreakers. You know that if someone greets you, you’ve got some great material for a conversation. Just having topics in mind to talk about goes a long way toward improving your skills. However, there are still a few gaps that can give you needless heart palpitations. Right now you only feel prepared to respond when someone else engages you in conversation. So you walk into your son’s school and wait for another parent to say hello. You go to an industry dinner and try to act busy while you hope for a colleague to come along and talk. No. No. No. It does not need to be so stressful.

  Matt McGraw, an information services manager in Denver, described how a situation was made less stressful because of his initiation of small talk. “When I was much younger, nineteen or twenty, attending the University of Oregon, I worked part-time for a couple of years at the local hospital. My job title was prep tech, and my role was to prepare the male surgical patients for surgery, which included shaving them. As you can imagine, this was a difficult job for me as well as the patient. I began my workday at four thirty a.m., so it was usually very early when I was prepping my first patient. I would spend as much as an hour or more with each one. The shaving itself was difficult and physically uncomfortable. The patients were hungry, oftentimes in pain, and weirded out by having another man shave them. Many were very sick, facing mortal fears. An open-heart prep required shaving a person one hundred percent from chin to ankles. Hopefully, I’ve painted the situation as difficult.

  “But I soon discovered that everything would go a thousand times better if I engaged them in small talk. I found that they relaxed, and that the time went by much faster if I could draw them out of the moment. We didn’t talk about their health or their fears or politics or sports, but just general, easy stuff, like where they lived, what it was like there, where they were from originally, things like that.

  “I totally agree with you about the power of small talk. It is not about an agenda but is simply a way to acknowledge a person as being very real and there. In the end, I suspect my patients talked to me more than they had a chance to talk to all of their doctors and nurses put together. It was an interesting job.”

  You can start the conversation—yes, you! It’s not nearly as hard as you think. And the best part is that it puts you in charge of your own destiny. Instead of waiting for someone—anyone—to talk to you, you choose your conversation partner. What a concept: You get to select someone. You might even enjoy it!

  The rules are simple. When someone gives you a smile, you are naturally inclined to smile back. Be the first to smile and greet another person. That’s pretty easy. Just a smile and a few words, and it’s done. Be sure that you make eye contact. That simple act is the beginning of establishing rapport. In those few seconds you have shown an interest in the other person. However, if the thought of this makes you want to jump into bed and pull the covers over your head, practice flashing your pearly whites in a setting that requires nothing more. Walk through the mall and just say hello to ten people as you pass them. As you cut through the parking lot into the grocery store, greet three other shoppers. Keep practicing until it feels natural.

  My friend Barb took a leap out of her professional comfort zone to run for city council. She’s a natural at small talk anyway, but she discovered something very important during her campaign. At public forums, the other candidates would enter the room, find their place on the dais, and sit down to review their notes or prepare answers to anticipated questions. But Barb would mingle with the people in the audience, making a personal connection with as many as possible. She discovered that the best way to get people comfortable enough to open up and express themselves was to look them in the eye and ask What’s your name? Making eye contact and placing the emphasis on the word your, rather than the word name, signaled to the person that they were important. She never failed to make a connection when she used this approach.

  WHAT’S IN A NAME?

  Okay, now you actually do have to stay and talk, not just offer a passing hello. Make it a point to remember the other person’s name; learning and using names is probably the single most important rule of good conversation, so stay focused during the introduction. Repeat the name back in your greeting. Nice to meet you, Debra. To help yourself commit the name to memory, immediately use the person’s name in the conversation. Refrain from thinking about your reply and concentrate on the other person’s name. Focus on the name, repeat it, and then formulate your answer.

  If you do get distracted during the introduction and miss the name, confess! Don’t go through the whole conversation pretending you know the person’s name. It’s better to say something like Excuse me, I’m not sure I got your name. It is always preferable to have the other party repeat it than to fake it. Never, ever fake it! This is especially true if, for example, you run into someone you’ve met previously whose name you cannot recall as you are standing in line at the movie theater. Don’t wait for divine inspiration. Say I’m so sorry. I’ve forgotten your name. Please remind me. This proactive tactic will prevent impending disaster. For instance, you have forgotten your client’s name and in the midst of conversation your boss advances your way. How will you introduce your boss to your client if you don’t know your client’s name? Never put off requesting a name reminder before moving on to chatting, or you will regret it. The worst is the gambler who approaches with a sure bet: I’ll bet you don’t remember my name! As I am not inclined to increase the ante, I fold immediately and ask to be reminded!

  You no longer have to worry about avoiding people because you’ve forgotten their names. Assume the burden, tell the truth, and chances are you’ll go on to have a very pleasant conversation. Even if you’re on the other side of a crowded room or passing in the grocery store, go over and greet the person. If you avoid someone because you are embarrassed over having forgotten her name, you’ve just compounded the error with rudeness.

  Individuals with foreign or unusual names get slighted more than the rest of us. Make it a point to learn the proper pronunciation, even if it means that the other person repeats it a few times. When you take the time to learn another person’s name, you are expressing a sincere interest in that individual that will be warmly received. Conversely, if you get lazy because a person has a difficult name, you are sending a message that it’s not worth your trouble to learn his name.

  Remembering names is well worth the effort. In fact, learning names is part of hosting the conversation. A host is always expected to know and use every person’s name, since the host is responsible for making introductions as new individuals enter the conversation. I was seated at a table for eight and met three people who had arrived at the table before I did. As others arrived, I extended my hand, introduced myself, and made the introductions to the other three. I said, This is Linda with Sun Microsystems, and Jon with SONY, and Sam from the Association of Safety Engineers. Acting as the host puts everyone at ease and creates an atmosphere of warmth and appreciation that naturally encourages conversation. It also positions you as a leader in the group.

  NIX THE NICKNAMES

  If a colleague introduces himself as “Michael,” don’t call him “Mike.” If he wanted you to call him “Mike,” he would have introduced himself that way. If someone has a difficult name, make the effort to learn it—do not shorten it to a nickname without permission! It makes me crazy when someone shortens my name to “Debbie.”

  I know I’m not alone in this. After a meeting, a woman named Julia walked up to me and said, “Debra, I’ve wanted to tell you something. My name used to be Debra, also. I used to give presentations for the government. Invariably, someone would call me Debbie while asking a question. I hate the name Debbie. Finally, I just couldn’t stand it anymore. I changed my name to Julia!”

  Make sure you use people’s names and get them right! For instance, I call a client whose secretary answers, Katherine Winter’s office, this is Susan. I respond by saying, Hi Susan. This is Debra Fine. May I speak with Katherine? Notice that I used each person’s name, and did not take liberties with any of them. Susan is very important because she represents the gateway to my client. It would not serve me well to annoy her by slashing her name to “Sue,” nor would it be helpful to avoid using her name altogether. Using people’s names shows that you are interested in them and makes them feel special.

  Another example: When I was at the video store returning a couple of overdue movies, I started talking to the clerk while we waited for my account details to show up on the computer. In the course of our brief conversation I used his name and asked if he had seen every movie in the store. By the time my late fees showed up on-screen, he canceled them and told me to have a nice day! When you use another person’s name sincerely in a conversation, it makes that person feel special.

  IT’S BETTER TO GIVE THAN TO RECEIVE

  It’s just as important to give your name when you meet someone—even if you’ve met him or her previously and think they should remember your name. Consider it a random act of kindness. Extend your hand. Hi, Patrick, Debra Fine. How are you? By stating my name, I let Patrick off the hook. If he had forgotten my name, it didn’t show, and he didn’t have to waste conversation time being distracted trying to recall my name.

  My current, second, and very last husband is a periodontist. As a group, periodontists are not known for their charm or gregarious personalities. Frequently, when we go out, his patients recognize him and start a conversation without reintroducing themselves. My husband doesn’t have a clue who they are and feels awkward. He can’t include me in the conversation easily because he can’t get through the introductions. Don’t ever assume that someone who sees you infrequently will remember your name, especially when they see you out of context. You will remember the Realtor who spent a Sunday driving you around looking at houses easier than she will remember you, especially if you are in sweats at the gas station. Cut her some slack; offer your name when you say hello.

  4

  KEEP THE CONVERSATION GOING!

  Remember, instead of sitting back and waiting for another kind soul to start a conversation, take the lead. Think of it as if you invited that person to your home for dinner. As host, it’s your job to see that your guest is comfortable. The same is true in conversation—try to make your guest as comfortable as possible. When you walk into a party or a gathering, find a person to meet. It’s much easier to engage one person rather than enter a group conversation, so begin by looking for the “approachable person.”

  The approachable person is the one who makes eye contact with you or who is not actively engaged in a conversation or another activity such as reading a newspaper or working at a computer. It’s the solitary person getting a bite to eat, someone sitting alone at a table, or the one crossing the room unescorted. More often than not, these people are relieved to have someone else initiate the conversation. Believe me, I’ve been around plenty of these folks—they are intelligent, interesting, welcoming . . . and shy. They are in the same spot you were before you decided to improve your skills. If you take the conversational plunge, they will herald you as a savior.

  Make it a point to look around a room when you first enter it. It doesn’t matter what the event is—a meeting, a reception, a baby shower, a party, even a family reunion—there are people standing alone or sitting at an empty table. Don’t wait; make eye contact and be the first to smile. You’ll net a smile back, and you’ll put the other person at ease, the way any fine host would! People will reward you by being attentive listeners and giving you a chance to practice your icebreakers.

  Not only are icebreakers a good way to start a conversation, but some of the statements are accompanied by questions you can ask to keep the ball rolling. Don’t use a statement alone. Using a statement by itself is like lobbing the conversational ball blindfolded, not knowing where it will land or whether it will get tossed back. For example, enthusiastic exclamations like What a beautiful day, or That was a great ______ are indirect invitations to chat. Better to be direct, so there is no doubt you are starting a dialogue. Try these:

  Starting with a Statement

  • What a beautiful day. What’s your favorite season of the year?

  • I was truly touched by that movie. How did you like it? Why?

  • This is a wonderful restaurant. What is your favorite restaurant? Why?

  • What a great conference! Tell me about the sessions you attended.

  • I was absent last week. What did I miss?

  • That was an interesting program after lunch. What did you think?

  • Presidential campaigns seem to start immediately after the inauguration. What do you think of the campaign process?

  • I am so frustrated with getting this business off the ground. Do you have any ideas?

  • I am excited about our new mayor. How do you think her administration will be different from her predecessor’s?

  • Your lawn always looks so green. What is your secret?

  • We’ve been working together for months now. I’d like to get to know you better. Tell me about some of your outside interests.

  • You worked pretty hard on that stair stepper. What other equipment do you use?

  • You always wear such attractive clothes. What are your favorite stores?

  • What a beautiful home. How do you manage to run a house with four children?

  • I read in the newspaper that our governor has taken another trip overseas. What do you think of all his travel?

  EASY OPENERS

  Like most things that are unfamiliar, starting a conversation appears harder than it actually is. If you still feel uncertain, listen to this true story. A national news show put a hidden microphone on a gentleman and set him loose at a party. His mission was to start as many conversations with women as possible using the ridiculous icebreaker Hi. What’s your sign? Here we are in a new millennium, and he was using that infamous 1970s line! And it worked! He walked up to a woman, smiled, and spoke his line. She responded by saying, Taurus. What’s yours?

  He answered with, Libra. Do you know much about astrology? They went on to have a very interesting conversation. The moral of the story is that it’s the effort that counts. What matters is taking the plunge and starting the conversation. This gentleman was successful because he showed an interest in what the other person had to say, and she was open to it. Showing genuine interest is flattering and essential to conversing. If you are interested in how I lost sixty-five pounds or how I started my business or anything else about me, I feel special. I also think positively about you and want to continue talking with you. The more interest you show in me, the more interesting you become to me. The simple act of truly being interested in the other person has an amazing effect on the conversation—it just snowballs!

  You will be successful if you just take the initiative and give it a try. You’ll be surprised by how easy it is and at the positive reinforcement you get from people when you start a conversation. Remember the following four steps and you are well on your way to an excellent chat.

  1. Make eye contact.

  2. Smile.

  3. Find that approachable person!

  4. Offer your name and use theirs.

  Give it a try. You’ll discover that it’s really worthwhile. The true effort is taking the risk to be the first to say hello. There is no perfect icebreaker. What’s your sign? is a huge risk as an icebreaker. As silly as it was, it worked because the woman decided she would allow the man to engage her in conversation. Think about it. We all do that. We size someone up, determine if we are in the mood to chat, and gauge whether it is worth our investment of time. The persons being approached have already decided on their willingness to respond, regardless of the words said.

  Often, people make the huge mistake of assuming they will have nothing in common with another person. We easily allow differences of all kinds to bias us against engaging in conversation. We allow gender, ethnicity, social status, generation, occupation, lifestyle, and a host of other differences to create artificial barriers to success. In the course of touring the country and talking to thousands of people in every geographic region, from all walks of life, I have affirmed that we are all more alike than we are different. It’s simply a matter of talking, showing an interest, and listening. When I approach a conversation I’m slowly peeling an onion—just one layer at a time. I am always amazed and gratified by how interesting and worthwhile it is to take the time to talk with a stranger.

  At one of the first programs I presented, I asked everyone to introduce himself or herself and tell why they came to a session on small talk. The first person to introduce himself was a gentleman named Bob. He said he was attending because he was a Motorola customer-service engineer, and his boss wanted him to improve his conversational skills with customers. He added that, although his boss sent him to the session, he was glad because he’d just moved to the very small town of Elizabeth, Colorado. As a single man alone, he felt isolated and wanted to meet people. Here’s what followed:

 

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12