Sparkling fear, p.26
Sparkling Fear, page 26
"I don't give a damn. You're going to that university, and that's the end of the discussion."
"You can't be serious." I ran after him, and he stopped on the stairs. "Dad, it wasn't my drugs."
"I'm not arguing with you. The decision has been made. I'll call you when I get back to Chicago, and you better answer this time."
When I got back to the apartment, I looked at Leni, who poked her head through the open crack of her door.
"Charles," she breathed my name.
"Give it a rest, Leni. I'll be gone soon." I picked up my jacket and disappeared out of the front door.
I hoped my father would believe me, but he didn't believe me at all, and it hurt that he didn't believe me for a single second. I'm being punished for something I didn't do, and I feel like there's absolutely nothing I can do about it.
Either I was just too tired or I was hallucinating because, as I entered the stairwell of the apartment building, people came towards me or pushed past me. Music could be heard, and the closer I got to the floor where I lived, the more certain I was that people wanted to get into my apartment.
What the fuck?
I just wanted to go home and speak to Leni after staying the whole day alone at Sigma Devils.
I'd looked up the university on the internet earlier, and it was such a stuffy, showcase university. I was sure that with all the pressure the students were under to perform, there were bigger drug problems than here at ESU.
When I entered the apartment, it was full of people. There was loud music playing and flickering party lights shining through the apartment. Just as I was getting an overview, Leni caught my eye.
She looked far too hot for all the guys around here. Her blonde hair was straightened and flowed perfectly over her shoulders. The short, black sequin skirt and the off-the-shoulder top looked like it was made for her body.
"Hey," she said, hugging me, giving me the chance to kiss the top of her head, smelling the vanilla shampoo.
"What's happening?"
"I had this stupid and, in hindsight, really inappropriate idea to throw Paisley and you a surprise party, but I forgot to cancel on all the guests after yesterday," she said, putting the red cups down on the ping-pong table.
Where did this ping pong table come from, and how, in God's name, did it fit through the front door?
"Thank you," I said, almost shouting because the music was so loud.
"For what?"
"For the party."
Leni smiled briefly. "Isn't it a bit inappropriate for that?"
"A little." I smirked because somehow this situation was kind of funny. Between all the shit that was going on, there were suddenly at least eighty people in our apartment.
"I thought about calling the cops, but—"
"That wouldn't have been such a good idea." I interrupted her. Not after the police had been there this morning and turned the apartment upside down, only to take my laptop and hers.
"Exactly."
I needed her in a room where I could talk to her alone because I owed her an explanation. Nothing in the world excused my behavior towards her after she immediately believed me about the drugs.
"Can we please talk for a moment?"
"Now?" Leni looked at me. "Give me a moment. I'll take the cups to the bar."
"I'll wait for you outside," I called after her, not sure if she heard me. My eyes lingered on her back for a moment, and in the next, I felt someone hitting me with his shoulder.
As I turned around, I looked at my teammate, Daxton. I immediately asked myself what he was doing here. We had absolutely nothing to do with each other, and I hated him almost as much as I hated our second goalie, Luc Hayes.
Luc Hayes was the definition of arrogant in human form. Even though we were on the same team, he saw me as an enemy.
"Did you invite yourself, or what are you doing here?"
"Don't you think it's a bit disrespectful of your girlfriend not to invite the whole team?" He looked at me over the rim of his cup with raised eyebrows.
"What do you want, Daxton?" I felt my fingertips press into my hand. I really didn't feel like lowering myself to his level, especially since I really had more important things to do.
"Partying and maybe flirting a bit with your girl? You'll leave soon and won't be in my way. I like her," he said, and I saw him looking at Leni when I felt her presence next to me.
"Are you coming?" She asked, but I didn't answer because it made me far too angry the way Daxton was talking about her. I knew it was just him trying to provoke me, but it still bothered me.
"If you ever mention her name again or think you're going to make a pass at her, we'll have a huge problem," I growled as I grabbed the hem of his hoodie. "Do you understand?" I looked at him, and it only made me angrier to see that he didn't care at all.
He just laughed. "The whole campus knows you're a drug addict. I mean, who could blame you? Your best friend died. Who's your dealer? Luc?"
"Shut up, Man," another male voice said softly.
"Stop it, Daxton," Leni intervened.
"Let him keep talking."
"Taking drugs and then leaving them in your gym bag. How stupid do you have to be? Was that your first time, drug virgin?" he hissed. I tried to let his words bounce off me because I was on the verge of punching him.
"Charles, give it a rest." Leni tugged gently on my sleeve. "Please."
I did what she said and let go of Daxton's hem.
Chapter Fifty-Five
Leni
I hoped for Daxton's own safety that he left the party by now. In all the stress, I forgot that there would suddenly be people waiting for me to unlock the apartment to celebrate the birthday of Charles and Paisley.
For a brief moment, I considered calling the police to end the party rapidly because I was throwing a party while Charles was being kicked out of college for possession of drugs?
Inappropriate. Very inappropriate.
But I don't think that calling the cops, after they were here this morning, would have been a good idea. We pushed our way through the dancing people and I followed him outside, and when he closed the door to the roof terrace, we blocked out the loud noises and music.
"Here, take my hoodie." Before I could even answer his question, he took off the grey jacket and held it out to me.
"I don't need your hoodie."
"Take the damn hoodie, Leni. You're freezing."
I didn't want to start a discussion, so I took the jacket from him and pulled it over my arms. "Thank you."
It stayed quiet between us for a moment. Neither of us knew what to say. So much had happened in the last twenty-four hours, and I knew we needed to talk, but now that we were standing here, it was somehow so hard.
"I'm sorry," he breathed out.
I looked up at him and tried to understand, from the look on his face, why he was apologizing to me. "Why are you apologizing?"
"It wasn't fair the way I was to you and shut you out," he started to say. He didn't break eye contact for a second.
"Charles—"
"No, please listen to me," he said in a calm tone. "I've known since New York that you were afraid I'd shut you out again. Be stubborn and just run away, not letting you be a part of my life. And what did I do? Exactly that."
"You can't compare that. They're two different situations," I whispered, trying to suppress the trembling.
"I want you with me. I want to have you with me every single free second because I can't get enough of you."
There was so much calm and sincerity in his gaze that I couldn't help but wrap my arms around him and press myself against his body.
"I can't do this without you."
I looked up at him, gazing into glassy eyes. "You don't have to. I"m right here. I've been here for you since the beginning."
At that moment, I felt like Charles really understood that I was there for him and finally accepted it. It somehow calmed me down a little when he said those words because I could only help him and really stand by him if he allowed me to get through to him.
"Have you spoken to your father?"
Charles broke away from the hug and looked at me with his dark blue eyes. "Not since he showed up here and accused Carter."
I felt sorry for Carter. I texted him after they all left, and he said he was okay, but I knew he was lying. It was unfair that Theodore Whitfield hated him so incredibly much, just because Carter's parents weren't the people Mr. Whitfield would be friends with. I mean, I could somehow understand him. I didn't like his parents either, after Carter told me what his dad did, but accusing him because his parents do drugs? Not cool.
"What if Paisley talks to him? Maybe she can persuade him that you don't have to go to Norway."
It gave me a stab right through the chest, just thinking about Charles being on a plane to Norway in a few weeks. I didn't want to have to say goodbye again.
"My dad is stubborn. He almost sent Paisley to the university in Norway because of her addiction to some pills."
"And what made your parents decide not to send her after all?"
"She proved to them that she was no longer addicted after a withdrawal," he explained. "My dad must be so disappointed in us."
"Don't say that." I took his face between my hands. "Do you know you're the strongest person I've ever met?" I smiled slightly. "You're not a disappointment, and we're going to prove to your parents that these aren't your drugs."
"How?" he asked, releasing himself from my grip. "Please explain to me how we can prove those weren't my drugs," he said in panic.
The truth was that I was incredibly scared that we won't be able to prove in time that it wasn't his drugs.
"Charles, please."
"What?" He turned to me, and a tear floated down his cheek. "I'm so scared. First Ethan died, and now this? I can't take it anymore. I'm so tired. So incredibly tired." Charles put his arms around my chest and rested his head in the hollow of my neck. Sighs escaped his mouth, and I could feel his body trembling.
Slowly, I slid my fingertips over his back. "I'm here, Charles." It broke my heart to see him like this because there were two options. Either he has to go to Norway and we won't be able to stop it, or we can find a solution and prove that it's not his drugs.
"I've got something for you."
He looked at me, confused, before I broke away from him and ran inside to get a birthday present from me for him. It was still just as full as it had been a few minutes ago, and by now I'd given up on finding a solution to get the guests to leave.
I hated having to find solutions because, when you had to find solutions, there was always a problem. I didn't give up and I was still convinced that we would somehow find a way so that Charles wouldn't have to go to Norway.
I tried to talk myself into it. After all, we were under the same moon, looking up at the same starry sky, and feeling the same warmth of the sun.
"Happy birthday, Captain." I smiled nervously because I didn't know how he would react when he unwrapped the present.
Charles took the small paper bag in his hand and pulled out a small box with his initials engraved on it. He opened the box and took out a silver whistle hanging from a dark blue ribbon.
"Leni," he breathed, looking at the whistle.
"I believe in you, and I know you can do this—"
Before I could even finish the sentence, he wrapped his hand around my waist, pressed me against him, and kissed me. The kiss felt painful, as if it was the last kiss we would ever have.
Charles released his soft lips from mine. "I love you," he breathed against my lips.
"I love you too. More and more every day. No matter if there are continents and an ocean between us one day," I grinned, hopefully.
"I got something for you, too," he grinned, and held a little daisy in front of me. "I saw this single daisy on the side of the road when I was walking home from Sigma Devils. It doesn't look so fresh anymore but—"
"The daisy is perfect," I said, standing on my tip toes to give him a kiss. "Thank you."
Chapter Fifty-Six
Charles
End of March.
The last few weeks were pure horror. There was still nothing new, and even though I tried not to show it towards Leni and my friends, my hope for a miracle diminished more and more every day.
I didn't want to leave the apartment anymore and preferred packing the boxes more than walking around campus. I was stared at from every direction as if I was the most wanted criminal in New Jersey.
The rumors surrounding me were absolutely no longer related to the rumor that drugs were found in my gym bag, but, to be honest, I didn't care about them. They bothered Leni all the more because absurd things were being said about her as well.
I spent most of my time on the ice rink, just like now. It was empty and very quiet. The way I liked it most.
Not a soul was in the arena. Just me, not even with alcohol because I haven't touched a bottle since my birthday. Even though it was quiet, my thoughts and the little voices in my head were even louder.
"Here you are. Paisley told me about this place," I heard Leni say.
I turned to her, and by the look of her, the biggest wave of guilt shot through my body.
I immediately stood up in a panic. "Leni, listen to me. I'm so sorry. I wanted to come; I really did, but… God, this is all such fucked up shit."
I knew that I had been withdrawing more and more since my birthday, and I know that was wrong, but it gave me hope that saying goodbye to my people in three days would only make it half as bad.
Leni sat down next to me and put her bag down between her legs. "It doesn't matter; I lost anyway." The corners of her mouth were downturned, but she forced herself to smile slightly.
Sometimes I wished I could push a button. A button that would take us both back to the night we met.
"Still. I should have sat in the audience and supported you." I sat back down and ran my hands through my hair. Nothing was in my control anymore, and by now I thought that anything that came too close or was important to me, I would break it.
And not even on purpose.
Leni leaned her head against my shoulder and put her hand in mine. "It doesn't matter."
"Don't say that. I'm sorry, Leni. I'm so incredibly sorry," I sniffled, feeling so disappointed at myself. Why was I pushing the people I loved the most away from me?
"Stop it now. We can't undo it. I wasn't really into dancing anyway, and there are more important things than this shitty contest right now, and that's you."
"But I should've been there for you like you are for me… u-and... fuck! I don't know, either. I can't even explain what's going on inside me; it would take me hours to explain it."
"And I'm here for hours to listen to you, Charles. And you know that. I'm here."
My grandma always said that love is the biggest challenge but also the most beautiful. Love is so powerful. And God, how right she was.
There was no bigger compliment than love.
Love describes the feeling you have for a person you are simply amazed by. Not what they've done or said to you. But simply because they are themselves.
Suddenly, an idea came to me. "Wait here."
I stood up and ran down the stairs to the locker room. If I was about to leave college and the ice arena, then let me skate for one last time because the university in Norway had no ice hockey team.
Once in the changing room, I looked for my skates, as well as some in Leni's size, which I was lucky enough to know after I bought her pointe shoes. I'd be lying if I said that it didn't hurt a little to be in the changing room and see that my locker, where my name and back number eighty-six were, was gone.
It really was officially over. In three days, I was on a plane on my way to Norway. When I came out of the changing room, I waved Leni down to me.
"What are you doing, Charles?" She looked at me with a puzzled expression until she understood what I was up to. "You're not serious."
"I'm absolutely serious," I grinned.
She sat down on the bench behind the barricade and slipped her feet into her skates before I pulled the laces tight and tied a bow. I already had my skates on.
"When was the last time you were on ice?"
Leni looked at me with wide eyes. There was a hint of panic in her expression. "Never?"
I always wanted to go ice skating with her when I was in New York, but we never did it.
"Ice skating looks harder than it really is, trust me."
She looked at me and rolled her eyes, playfully. "That's easy to say when you're a hockey player." I stepped onto the ice and held my arms out to Leni. "I'll hold you."
"What if I fall anyway?"
"That won't happen, but if you do, I'll be here to catch you."
Leni carefully stepped onto the ice and squeezed my hands tightly. I slowly slid backwards across the ice and pulled her with me. "You see."
"Have you ever broken anything?"
I hesitated because my answer wouldn't exactly reassure her while she was already standing on the ice. "Maybe once or twice. But that won't happen to you. It's not like you're going to slam into the barricade at full speed or get a hockey stick smashed against your nose."
She snapped her mouth open. "W-what?"
"Was only half as bad." That was a lie. Getting hit in the nose with a hockey stick was hell, and slamming into the barricade at full speed during a game wasn't either.
"See, you slide forward with your left foot first, then your right, okay?"
She nodded and looked down at her skates. I carefully let go of her hands and slid backwards in front of her at the same speed.
"Charles, look!" She said proudly as she glided slowly, but surely across the ice without holding my hands. I stopped in the middle of the ice and watched her skate towards me.
There was something about that moment that did something with my heart. Something that made me realize what a lucky guy I was to have her by my side. I don't know if it was the atmosphere. It was just me and her, in this big ice arena, with only a single light to keep the rink from going completely dark.
