The british knight, p.23
The British Knight, page 23
I was running away and although I knew it was cowardly I didn’t know what else to do—I had to protect myself.
For a few blissful weeks I’d allowed myself to imagine being in London forever. With Alexander and an MBA from a London college—a glittering career and a handsome, charming man by my side. What had I been thinking? As I’d said to Scarlett—my life wasn’t a fucking fairytale.
“Any questions, just email me,” I said to Jimmy as I passed his desk for what would be the last time.
He bounced up from his seat and held out his arms. “I’m going to miss you.” He pulled me into a hug. “Come and visit us next time you’re in London.”
I couldn’t imagine there would be a next time. It would be too painful to come back and imagine what my life would have been like if things had gone differently, if Alexander had been a different man.
Jimmy released me and I said my goodbyes and headed into the corridor. There was just one final farewell to say. Court had finished for the day and Knightley would be back in his office. My pulse raced. I just had to hold it together for a few more moments. I wasn’t such a coward that I was going to leave without saying goodbye, but I had timed it so I knew Sebastian would be in the office. This was the best time to let Alexander know I was leaving. He couldn’t create a scene if there was an audience. Not that he ever would.
I fisted my hands, my fingernails digging into my palms, trying to distract myself from the emotions threatening to overwhelm me. I could do this. I was just saying goodbye to a man I refused to love.
I knocked on the door and couldn’t help but smile forlornly at Alexander’s familiar bark. “Come in.”
He didn’t look up. Both he and Sebastian had their heads bowed toward their laptops. It wasn’t resentment I felt—it was pity. I was heading home to my beautiful family for the holidays and no doubt Knightley and Sebastian would spend most, if not all, of the festive season in this room surrounded by paper.
“I just wanted to call in and say goodbye before I left.” I used my best singsong voice.
Alexander’s head sprang up as I spoke, and when he saw me he stood.
“Bye, Violet,” Sebastian said. “Have a good Christmas.”
I forced an empty smile. “I see you’re busy, so I won’t keep you. Thanks for everything.” I waved and turned to leave.
“Violet,” Alexander snapped, and I froze.
“Sebastian, will you excuse us for a second?”
I hadn’t expected Alexander to ask Sebastian to leave. The last thing I wanted was to be alone with him.
Sebastian didn’t say a word. He just picked up his laptop, and I moved aside as he passed me.
I couldn’t look at Knightley.
“Violet, please close the door.”
I shook my head. “I don’t think that’s a good idea. You’re very busy and I have—”
“Violet, what is the matter with you? Close the door.”
I swallowed but did as he asked as he came around from behind his desk.
“I want to kiss my girlfriend before she leaves for a few days. I thought I might get to see you last night—”
I placed my finger over his lips to silence him. I didn’t want to hear about how busy he was. I knew.
His hands slipped over my hips and I tensed. I didn’t want to feel him again. I didn’t want to be reminded of the good stuff.
“Good luck,” I said, and my heart ached as if it were being ripped from my chest. “I hope you win.”
He released me and ran his fingers through his hair. “We should, but I fear we won’t.”
He thought I meant the trial. I meant at life.
“I should have more time when you’re back. What day are you home?”
I would be home, back with my family, tomorrow. I smiled and shrugged, cupping his jaw with my hand. He looked so tired and stressed. I should tell him I wasn’t coming back to London, but I didn’t want to add to his anxiety. Not today. He might not care about me the way I cared about him, but I knew that I had eased his burden a little, and he didn’t have to find out today that I was leaving for good. The last thing I wanted to do was to leave on an argument. I didn’t want him to convince me that what he’d done was okay when it just wasn’t. I didn’t want to weaken against his gravelly accent and strong hands. If he wasn’t the man I needed him to be then I had to walk away now while I still had the strength.
“What did your letters say?” He ran his hand through his hair. “I’m so sorry about Saturday. I tried to call you yesterday but—shall I pop round tonight?”
I shook my head. “Darcy’s here and we have to be up really early.”
“Everything will calm down when this trial is over.”
He was lying. There would be another trial after this one and another after that. I couldn’t live my life wondering when he was next going to let me down.
One lie deserved another. “I haven’t opened them yet.”
He frowned but didn’t question me further. “I’ll call you later, okay?” he asked.
I nodded, but I wouldn’t answer. Not until tomorrow, when he was out of court, and I was back where I belonged.
Thirty-Two
Alexander
London was emptying. Most people had left the city at the weekend, so the stragglers who remained were few and far between.
“Thank God that’s over,” Sebastian said, his barrister bag slung over his shoulder. Those things looked ridiculous. He should put his wig and robe in his case.
“Only until the third of January,” I reminded him.
“In the meantime I’m going to remind my girlfriend and family what I look like. What are you doing for Christmas?” he asked.
I hadn’t even thought about it. I usually drove up to see my mother, but she was visiting relatives in Switzerland. “Oh, you know, the usual family thing,” I lied. Who didn’t make plans for Christmas? Perhaps I could convince Violet to have me on speakerphone for the day?
I smiled as I imagined her face. I’d tried to call her a couple of times last night but she’d not picked up. She’d said she and Darcy were going to have an early night but I thought I’d have caught her.
“Right,” I said as we entered chambers. “I’m just going to dump this”—I lifted my chin at my case—“and then head off. I suggest you do the same. I’ll see you back here on the second to prepare.”
Sebastian nodded.
I put down my case, took my laptop, and left. As I got back out into the cold December air, I realized that now I finally had some free time, I had nowhere to be. No one to see, no home to return to. My house hunting had been abandoned after I’d missed one too many calls from the real estate agent, so I was still in the hotel. Violet had gone back to America and my mother wasn’t in town. I didn’t speak to my brother from one year’s end to the next.
Across the green lawn of New Square, I waved at Craig. “Finally leaving?” he asked, racing toward me.
I nodded. “Yes. I’ll be back all too soon.”
“You’ve had an excellent year. Not least because of all the billing Violet did for you.”
“Yes, she’s been great.”
He nodded. “We’ll miss her. Even a few more weeks and I’m sure she’d have worked miracles, but she’s better off at Columbia. It’s a great opportunity for her.”
“It certainly is.” She must have been accepted there. She can’t have told him that she was also applying in London. “And you’ll have a few more weeks of her when she comes back in January.”
He frowned. “You haven’t heard? She’s not coming back—something to do with the date her course starts. Bloody shame for us, obviously.”
His words began to merge together as if they were getting sucked into a bog and I couldn’t hear what he was saying. Violet wasn’t coming back? Surely he must have it wrong. I shoved my hands in my pockets, feeling the cold metal of my phone as I twisted it, desperate to pull it out and call her to ask her what Craig was talking about.
“You okay, Mr. Knightley?” Craig asked.
I nodded. “Yeah, I just remembered something about . . . something. Forgive me, I have to go.” I sped off toward the exit of Lincoln’s Inn to find a cab. When the taxi pulled up, I gave him the address of my hotel. Where else could I go?
After pulling my phone from my pocket, I sat down and dialed Violet’s number. I’d thought she’d call before she took off or after she landed, but I hadn’t heard anything. I’d assumed it was because she knew I was busy and probably wouldn’t be able to talk for long. But maybe she’d never had any intention of calling.
The call went straight to voicemail. Where was she? She must have landed by now.
I’d never experienced loneliness before. It was almost the opposite to how I expected it to feel—time with nothing to do and no one to see had always been some holy grail, but now that I was here, it felt like a huge chasm that might swallow me up.
I stumbled out of the cab, my brain somehow disconnected from my limbs.
Had she not been accepted by the London universities where she’d applied? Or perhaps she had and was starting with one of those in January and Craig had just assumed it was Columbia. That must be it. There was no way Violet would just leave London without any intention of coming back and not tell me, even if I had missed our dinner on Saturday. Surely.
I’d been calling Violet every fifteen minutes since I’d returned to the hotel three hours ago. I had nothing else to do. I just wanted to hear her voice. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d held her. It must have been Saturday morning before we were meant to find out that she’d been accepted everywhere she applied for the MBA. Fuck, I should have set an alarm or something on my phone.
I went to the small bar in the corner of the room and poured myself a whisky. If I was going to be alone with no one to speak to and no work tomorrow, I could at least be drunk. Perhaps it would slow down my brain, fill up the emptiness that grew bigger inside me with every passing moment. Preparation for the trial had increasingly overtaken my life in the past few weeks. Apart from Saturday nights I’d been completely consumed, and this Saturday night the volume had spilled over.
As I drained my first glass of whiskey, my phone vibrated from where I’d left it on the bed. Violet’s name flashed on the screen, and I was so desperate to answer, so eager that she not give up before I accepted the call that I almost dropped the phone twice before managing to swipe the screen.
“Violet, are you okay?” I asked. An entirely ridiculous question, but I was just so pleased she’d called. For a few hours, I’d been worried she’d disappeared forever.
“Yeah, just got back to Scarlett and Ryder’s place. Darcy and I are staying here tonight before going up to Connecticut tomorrow.”
I held my breath as she spoke, wanting to hear every word, every nuance. “I’m glad you’re okay. I don’t feel like I’ve seen you.”
The sounds of movement and closing doors echoed down the line. “You’ve been busy,” she replied. “And I need to tell you something. I’m not coming back to chambers in the New Year. There didn’t seem to be any point.”
Craig had been right. She’d left. Left me for good.
“Any point?” I asked. Why hadn’t she said something before she left? “I thought you were doing your MBA in London. I thought . . .” I’d thought we were going to be together.
“I’m planning to move my start date on the MBA at Columbia to the beginning of the spring semester, so that means I’ll start school in just a few weeks. There didn’t seem to be any reason to delay things.”
The pressure bearing down on my chest threated to crack my ribs. “So you’re not coming back to London at all?” Surely I was misunderstanding. She couldn’t have just left.
“Like I said, I was able to move the start date.”
“You didn’t get into the London universities?” Was she upset at being rejected and had just fled?
“It doesn’t matter. I picked Columbia.”
I cleared my throat. I was finding it difficult to read her mood—her voice was light and carefree, but what she was saying seemed so catastrophic. If she were here in front of me, I’d be able to see what was going on beyond the words. “Okay.”
“I knew you’d understand.”
I wasn’t sure that I did. “So you’re ending things between us?”
“It’s a relief, right?” Her voice was breezy and light, as if she were giving me good news rather than saying we’d never see each other again. “You don’t have to worry about having to find time for me. Not that . . .”
Shit.
“Violet, I’m sorry about Saturday. I—”
“Don’t apologize. I know how work is for you. I get it comes first.”
I exhaled as she said it. It sounded so shallow and feeble, but it was true. It had always come first.
“Anyway, I didn’t want to throw you off your game. I know how important this trial is for you—hence the phone call.”
“Wait, what? That’s it?” I sat down on the chair by the desk.
“What do you want me to say?”
I wasn’t sure, but the situation we found ourselves in seemed so ludicrous. If she was angry with me then I wanted her to shout and scream. I wanted to work through this, past this. Hadn’t we shared something? Hadn’t we enjoyed the time we spent together? I cared about this woman and she was just calling to say goodbye as if we’d merely been coworkers? This couldn’t be the way things ended between us.
“It all seems so sudden. You’ve caught me a little off guard. I was hoping I’d see you before you left. I wanted to tell you how sorry I am about Saturday. You can’t just end things between us and run away.” I hadn’t told her that I’d never felt for any woman the way I felt about her. I’d thought we had time for all this.
She didn’t respond.
“So, that’s it?” I asked.
“I don’t see how it can be any other way,” she replied. “You have your work and—”
“I’ve said I’m sorry and you know I had the trial coming up—”
“It’s not about Saturday,” she said. “It’s about every Saturday. It’s about not wanting to be the girl who waits around for scraps of time that you’re prepared to toss me.”
I winced. She made it sound terrible. “I am really sorry. I never pretended to be perfect, and I’m so used to only having to worry about myself that it’s going to take me some time to adjust. That’s all.”
“I can’t let myself care for you, Alexander. I’m just about to get my life on track. I don’t want to be derailed again. I don’t want to allow myself to believe in someone only to find they are another person entirely. I’ve done that before.”
The bottom fell out from my stomach.
“At first we were just fucking and then we were dancing in Berkley Square and somewhere in the middle of that, my feelings changed and I started to want more. I changed. The more time I spent with you, the more you could hurt me, and I can’t let that happen. I won’t be let down again.”
I’d let Gabby down. And although I regretted what I had done, it hadn’t caused me actual pain. But now the agony coursed through my body. “I’m so sorry. You deserve better.” It was true. She was precious.
“You are a very special man. Someone who’s taught me what I want in my life. You’ve shown me what I deserve—a man who’s capable of putting me first.”
“It was a mistake, and I wish I could take it back. Can’t we at least try?”
“I can’t, Alexander. I’m in too deep; it hurts too much already.”
I had no response. I didn’t want to hurt her—it was the last thing I wanted.
“I’m sorry,” I said.
“Don’t be. This way, we can remember the last few months and look back fondly at our time together. I feel like you breathed new life into me, and I will always be so thankful to you.”
Breathed new life into her? That’s what she’d done to me.
“Can we stay in touch? Be friends?” I was grasping at straws, but I wanted her in my world in whatever way I could have her.
She sighed and the loneliness inside me grew. I knew her answer before she said it. “Maybe one day. Right now, I need a . . . clean—”
“I understand.” I tried to keep my voice steady when what I wanted to do was break down and beg for another chance.
“Thank you. I mean it; I think you’re a wonderful man.”
I just hadn’t been good enough for her. I’d been less than she deserved, and rightfully, she’d left me.
I’d spent Christmas day alone in a hotel room. I’d ordered a club sandwich and a bottle of whiskey and didn’t speak to anyone who wasn’t working at the hotel in some capacity. Some years that might have been the perfect way to spend the festive season, but this year it just seemed like the life of a lonely, washed-up bachelor with an empty life.
I’d never been much of a drinker. I didn’t like the way it clouded my mind and dulled my senses. But in the last week, since Violet had left, a clear head was the last thing I wanted. I longed to be drunk. Each morning, I woke sober and watched the clock until it struck noon, and I got out of bed to fix a whisky.
The news rattled on in the background as I poured my second glass. A rap at the door caught my attention. For a split second I thought Violet had changed her mind and flown back to rescue me. I checked the peephole and found a member of the housekeeping team standing outside.
I pulled the door open and the girl began to talk to me in what sounded like Romanian although it could have been Polish. She pushed her way past me and began clearing up my room. I ripped the Do Not Disturb sign from the outside of the door where it had hung since before Christmas and held it up. “Excuse me.” I waved the sign. She turned, saw the sign, shrugged, and pulled the sheets from the bed.
Fuck me. I didn’t have the energy to argue. No doubt the hotel staff were wondering what the hell I was doing in here. I pulled on some clothes and grabbed my wallet. Perhaps I could go and buy a bottle of my favorite whisky instead of ordering the stuff from downstairs.
