The adventures of inspec.., p.1
The Adventures of Inspector Lestrade, page 1
The Adventures of Inspector Lestrade
The Inspector Lestrade Series – Book Four
Table of Contents
Title Page
The Adventures of Inspector Lestrade | The Inspector Lestrade Series – Book Four
M. J. TROW
Caveat lectorum – Let the Reader Beware! | From Police Constable to Political Correctness
❖ The Man in the Chine ❖
❖ Ball of Lightning ❖
❖ The Vicar’s Daughter ❖
❖ Three of Spades ❖
❖ The Widow ❖
❖ Ball of Lightning ❖
❖ Duels ❖
❖ Sceance on a Cold Thursday Evening❖
❖ Madmen and Fairies ❖
❖ The White Lady ❖
❖ Finale ❖
❖ The Sawdust Ring ❖ | 1879 | ‘In the circus, nothing is what it seems ...’
❖ The Sign of Nine ❖ | 1886 | ‘Hello, hello, hello ...’ | ‘Hello, hello, hello ...’ | ‘Hello, hello, hello ...’
❖ The Ripper ❖ | 1888 | ‘Oh, have you seen the Devil ...?’
❖ The Adventures of Inspector Lestrade ❖ | 1891 | ‘Such as these shall never look | At this pretty picture book.’
❖ Brigade ❖ | 1893 | ‘And we leave to the streets and the workhouse the charge of the Light Brigade.’
❖ The Dead Man’s Hand ❖ | 1895 | ‘There was no 9.38 from Penge.’
❖ The Guardian Angel ❖ | 1897/8 | ‘And a naughty boy was he ...’
❖ The Hallowed House ❖ | 1901 | ‘Quid omnes tangit, ab omnibus approbetur.’*
❖ The Gift of the Prince ❖ | 1903 | ‘Lang may your lum reek, Lestrade.’
❖ The Mirror of Murder ❖ | 1906 | Beyond the mountains of the moon ...
❖ The Deadly Game ❖ | 1908 | ‘The Games a-foot’
❖ The Leviathan ❖ | 1910 | ‘To our wives and sweethearts – may they never meet!’
❖ The Brother of Death ❖
❖ Lestrade and the Devil’s Own ❖
❖ The Magpie ❖ | 1920 | ‘There was a Front; | But damn’d if we knew where!’
❖ Lestrade and the Kiss of Horus ❖ | 1922 | ‘Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair!’
❖ Lestrade and the Giant Rat of Sumatra ❖ | 1935 | ‘So, Sholto, let me and you be wipers | Of scores out with all men, especially pipers!’
❖ The World of Inspector Lestrade ❖
The Adventures of Inspector Lestrade
The Inspector Lestrade Series – Book Four
M. J. TROW
Copyright © 2021 M. J. Trow.
ISBN 978-1-913762-76-6
First published in 1985.
This edition published in 2020 by BLKDOG Publishing.
A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.
No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without written permission of the publisher.
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events, locales, and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.
Cover art by Andy Johnson.
All rights reserved including the right of reproduction in whole or in part in any form. The moral right of the author has been asserted.
www.blkdogpublishing.com
Caveat lectorum – Let the Reader Beware!
From Police Constable to Political Correctness
In 1891, the year in which The Adventures of Inspector Lestrade is set, Thomas Hardy had his Tess of the d’Urbervilles published in serial form by The Graphic, one of the country’s leading magazines. The editor was not happy with certain scenes which he felt would upset Hardy’s genteel readership. In one instance, when Angel Clare has to carry Tess over a minor flood, Hardy had to write in a handy wheelbarrow so that Tess and Angel had no bodily contact. When it came to Tess’s seduction by the dastardly Alec d’Urberville, the pair go into a wood and a series of dots follows ...
Even with all this whitewash, reviews of the revised version were mixed and it was many years before some of the Grundyisms* were restored to their original glory and Tess of the D’Urbervilles was established as another masterpiece of one of Britain’s greatest writers.
In the Lestrade series, I hope I have not offended anyone, but the job of an historical novelist – and of an historian – is to try to portray an accurate impression of the time, not some politically correct Utopian idyll which is not only fake news, but which bores the pants off the reader. Politicians routinely apologize for the past – historical novelists don’t. we have different views from the Victorians, who in turn had different views from the Jacobeans, who in turn ... you get the point. When the eighteenth century playwright/actor Colley Cibber rewrote Shakespeare – for example, giving King Lear a happy ending! – no doubt he thought he was doing the right thing. He wasn’t.
That said, I don’t think that a reader today will find much that is offensive in the Lestrade series. So, read on and enjoy.
*From Mrs Grundy, a priggish character in Thomas Morton’s play Speed the Plough, 1798.
Reviews for the Lestrade Series
‘THIS IS LESTRADE THE intelligent, the intuitive bright light of law and order in a wicked Victorian world.’
Punch
‘A wickedly funny treat.’
Stephen Walsh, Oxford Times
‘... M.J. Trow proves emphatically that crime and comedy can mix.’
Val McDermid Manchester Evening News
‘Good enough to make a grown man weep.’
Yorkshire Post
‘Splendidly shaken cocktail of Victorian fact and fiction ... Witty, literate and great fun.’
Marcel Berlins, The Times
‘One of the funniest in a very funny series ... lovely lunacy.’
Mike Ripley, Daily Telegraph
‘High-spirited period rag with the Yard’s despised flatfoot wiping the great Sherlock’s eye ...’
Christopher Wordsworth, Observer
‘Barrowloads of nineteenth century history ... If you like your humour chirpy, you’ll find this sings.’
H.R.F Keating, Daily Telegraph
‘Richly humorous, Lestrade has quickly become one of fiction’s favourite detectives.’
Yorkshire Evening Post
‘No one, no one at all, writes like Trow.’
Yorkshire Post
❖ The Man in the Chine ❖
❖ Ball of Lightning ❖
❖ The Vicar’s Daughter ❖
❖ Three of Spades ❖
❖ The Widow ❖
❖ Ball of Lightning ❖
❖ Duels ❖
❖ Sceance on a Cold Thursday Evening❖
❖ Madmen and Fairies ❖
❖ The White Lady ❖
❖ Finale ❖
❖ The Man in the Chine ❖
M
elville McNaghten pushed the ledger away from him. He buried his knuckles in his eyes and drew his fingers down his cheeks, taking less care than usual not to disarrange his faintly waxed moustaches. Three years’ work, he mused to himself. A lot of good men, a lot of panic and in the end – nothing. What was it Her Majesty had said? ‘We must improve our detective force.’ Five women had died – or was it more? Over two hundred men arrested, hundreds more questioned. He shuddered as he thought of the fiasco of Barnaby and Burgho, the bloodhounds who had not only not caught the murderer, but had lost their handlers in the fog. And that idiot Charles Warren who had wiped the anti-Jewish slogans off the wall. He’d gone back to the army now – best place for him. And who was the buffoon who thought of photographing the dead eyes of Catherine Eddowes in a hope that a likeness of the murderer would appear on the plate?
He was glad at least, he reflected, that he hadn’t been involved in that lunacy. He was the first policeman on the case – the first real policeman anyway. Again, the four names caught his eye – his suspects, his deductions. Nothing provable, of course, nothing absolutely tangible. But enough for him. Enough so that if he whispered just one of these names in the street, the vigilantes of Whitechapel would swarm from their hell-holes with noose and zeal. He could practically hear Mr Lusk, their chairman, wringing his hands in anticipation.
A knock at the door brought him back to the present. He snapped shut the ledger.
‘Come.’
Under the lamp’s flare he saw the trousers of a constable enter the room.
‘Inspector Lestrade, sir.’
McNaghten straightened his cravat. ‘Show him in.’
The constable’s trousers were replaced under the light by those of the inspector. McNaghten swept the ledger quickly into a side drawer of his capacious desk. Lestrade stood with his back against the door, watching every move with a wry smile.
‘The Ripper files, sir?’
‘What?’ The suddenness and volume of McNaghten’s reply indicated that he had heard perfectly well.
‘The ledger.’ Lestrade walked more fully into the light, gesturing to the drawer as McNaghten locked it.
‘Er . . . yes.’ McNaghten was more reasonable as he sat squarely again in the chair. He swept his hand across his whiskers and straightened his cravat again. Lestrade remained motionless, hands in the pockets o f his voluminous Donegal. McNaghten sighed and resigned himself to the unspoken question.
‘Lestrade . . .’ Too formal, he needed familiarity. ‘Sholto . . .’ Lestrade felt the avuncular arm metaphorically creeping across his shoulder. ‘You know I cannot divulge a word of these contents . . .’
It wasn’t enough. Lestrade had not moved. McNaghten read his mind. ‘Yes, I know you were on it, but it was Abberline’s case.’ It still wasn’t enough. McNaghten stood up abruptly and the two men faced each other across the darkening room, their faces lit from below, like the inhabitants of Madame Tussauds’. ‘Damn it, Lestrade. It is classified.’ McNaghten hated dealing with subordinates, especially those as discerning as Lestrade. He was a thorn in his side, an itch he couldn’t scratch. The Head of the Criminal Investigation Department turned to the window. Outside, the rain was driving listlessly over the river and the arc lamps below. ‘One day,’ he said to the heavy London sky, ‘one day they will write about it. One day they will open my files and they will know.’
‘I shall be a hundred and thirty eight,’ said Lestrade.
‘Damn it, Lestrade,’ McNaghten whipped round. He’d already said that and it weakened his argument to repeat himself.
Lestrade smiled. He raised his hands in a gesture of defeat. ‘I understand, sir,’ he said. He turned up his collar and made for the night. At the door he stopped. ‘Goodnight, sir.’ The smile was chill.
The door closed and McNaghten slammed a paperweight on his desk. How typical of Lestrade to want to know. But he could not know. Nobody could. In a hundred years, when they officially opened the file he was about to consign to the archives, it wouldn’t matter. He, Lestrade, all of them would be dead.
Lestrade’s trousers under the light were replaced by the swish of an electric-blue skirt. ‘Father?’ McNaghten’s daughter swept into the room.
‘Ah, my dear.’ McNaghten’s professional face vanished. He was a family man again, in the bosom of his daughter. Miss McNaghten was dreadfully large. She was also dreadfully capable.
‘Come along, Father. Time for home.’
McNaghten had a brief glimpse of his pocket watch before his daughter threw his Donegal over his shoulders. Three minutes past the half hour. ‘Call the cab, Father.’ McNaghten dumbly obeyed. He had long since ceased to think it odd that he who gave orders so unthinkingly in the line of duty should take them so unthinkingly in the line of domesticity. The constable wasn’t in the corridor. Damn. He set off in search of him in the outer office.
In his absence, Miss McNaghten bustled round the desk, deftly produced a key identical to her father’s and unlocked the desk drawer. A further deft movement and the ledger was under her pelisse and the drawer relocked.
McNaghten returned. ‘Downstairs,’ he said. ‘Constable Dew will drive us home. Oh . . .’ he remembered the ledger. It must go in the safe. Miss McNaghten read his mind and blocked his way. Her tone and her logic belied the panic in her heart, thumping beneath pelisse, ledger and matronly bosom. ‘The Commissioner, Father.’
‘God,’ mumbled McNaghten, as though they had axed his pension. ‘It’s tonight, isn’t it?’
‘Yes, and Cook has bouillabaisse.’
‘Ah, I wondered why she walked like that.’
His daughter’s gentle push nearly sent him reeling through the door. They clattered down the darkened corridor, lamps flickering on the institution green and cream. The ornate lift jarred and whirred its way to the ground floor. They stepped into the wet, chilly night. Constable Dew, never the same since he saw the corpse of Mary Kelly, held the door open for the McNaghtens. The police cab rocked as the Assistant Chief Constable’s daughter entered. The hack recoiled several paces, bracing its back. While McNaghten Senior fastened the door, his daughter flicked the ledger out of the opposite window. A gloved hand caught it and the cab clashed its way out of the cobbled courtyard and along the Embankment, now green with the river’s mist.
From the shadows a figure emerged: Inspector Lestrade, in his damp Donegal, rain dripping from his Derby hat. He smiled down at the ledger and the little silver key. Moving to the nearest light, away from the drips, he opened the book. He flicked rapidly through the pages and pages of evidence, statements, depositions, theories. The letters met his gaze – I am down on whores and I shant quit ripping them till I do get buckled. He knew all that. Nothing new, nothing different. It was the last page he wanted. There it was, the list of four names, stark in McNaghten’s copperplate.
Lestrade smiled and his smile broke into a chuckle and his chuckle to a roar. He slammed the ledger shut. So Abberline took my advice, he thought to himself. And McNaghten. They listed all four of them. He was pleased. He knew his name appeared nowhere in the ledger. He knew he would not be remembered when they opened this file a century hence. But it didn’t matter. It was enough for Lestrade to know that he had been right. It was that which time and again made his existence seem worthwhile. He did like being right.
‘Sergeant,’ Lestrade was inside the building again, the ledger under the flap of his Donegal.
The sergeant, who had been dozing, stood up at his desk.
‘I’m going to Sir Melville’s office – papers he wants me to check.’ He made for the lift. ‘Oh, at your relief go to Sir Melville’s. Give a message to Miss McNaghten – tradesmen’s entrance. Tell her . . . tell her thanks and apologise to her. I shall be unable to join her this evening as planned. Pressure of duty.’
Lestrade felt the sergeant’s eyebrows lower again behind his back and the smirk develop. ‘Oh, and sergeant,’ Lestrade was still with his back to the man. He paused, turned round and smiled. ‘Don’t let me catch you asleep again.’ The sergeant stiffened and tensed his shoulders. One good discretion, thought Lestrade, deserves another.
‘Very good, sir,’ mumbled the sergeant. ‘Mind how you go.’
Lestrade was in the lift, raising his eyes heavenward at the inevitable cliché of that phrase. ‘Goodnight, Dixon.’
WHEN THE GOOD DOCTOR alighted from the Southern Railway Company’s train he was not in the best of moods. To begin with, his morning eggs had not been to his liking and his mail had been late – three bills. Then the journey had been draughty and damp; the Telegraph full of misprints. But what had really irked him, as he took his hansom in the station forecourt, was the reason for his visit to the metropolis – to see his publisher. There had been no reply to his letters – it did not bode well.
He didn’t notice the wet streets or the whipping wind. The jolting annoyed him from time to time, but they were soon there, outside Blackett’s the publishers.
He was ready for the revolving doors, having caught his Gladstone in them last time. ‘Do you know your bag is going round in the doors?’ the doorman had asked him. ‘He’s a big bag now,’ the doctor had answered through clenched teeth. ‘He must go his own way.’ It was a different doorman this time, for which the doctor was exceedingly grateful.
‘Dr Conan Doyle . . . how nice . . . how nice.’
‘Mr Blackett, you have not replied to my last four letters.’
‘Dr Conan Doyle . . . it’s . . .’ Blackett was uncomfortable, shifting from leg to leg, wringing his handkerchief from hand to hand.
‘You like The White Company?’ Conan Doyle was relaxed, sure.
‘Indeed, sir, indeed. A fine book, rich in historical detail. But . . .’
‘But you don’t like The Refugees?’
‘It’s not that I don’t like it, Doctor . . .’
Conan Doyle sat motionless, cold eyes fixing his publisher.
‘It’s not . . . finished,’ continued Blackett.
‘It will be.’
‘Of course. Of course. But the public likes new things. Crime, suspense.’
‘Like The Sign of Four.’
‘Yes.’ Blackett leaped at the memory, then was less sure. ‘But . . . er . . . Mr Holmes of Baker Street?’
‘What of him?’
‘Well . . .’ Mr Blackett was at his most obsequious. ‘Did he mind? I mean, we do have the laws of libel.’
‘Oh, come, Mr Blackett. My stories of detection bear no relation whatever to the actual work of Mr Holmes. It would be more than my writing career of my medical practice is worth.’
