His touch, p.2
His Touch, page 2
Me: No. Thank you.
D: May I make a suggestion?
Me: Okay?
D: You’re eighteen now, you can open a bank account without a parent being involved. If I could find your hiding spot so can they if they get desperate enough.
Me: Thank you. I’ll do that before work tomorrow.
D: I need you to do something for me. Stop using your social security number. I will provide you with a new one in an encrypted text. This will be explained to you later, but it’s the number that the university has and I will need you to use it everywhere, except at your current job.
Me: Great. That’s not creepy or weird or freaking me out, don’t worry.
D: Going forward, I want your taxes paid through this number. It has the added bonus of your family not being able to track you down. Now, please be careful carrying that money around!
Me: Goodnight, Duncan.
I’m worried about violating his rule about acknowledging his messages, so I hold my phone for a few more minutes. My eyelids grow heavy and I finally tuck my phone away before I drift off to sleep.
*
Waking slowly the next morning, I immediately reach for my phone and the letter – praying it wasn’t a dream. Relief shoots through me as I feel both objects and pull them to my chest.
Stretching out, I think about our exchange from the night before and roll into my pillow, groaning. I can’t believe I agreed to this. I’m going to go through with it, I don’t really have any choice, but I’ve never been naked in front of anyone before…shit! Something from his letter suddenly has me wide awake.
I jerk up and start texting Duncan frantically.
Me: I don’t want pictures or video taken of me when I’m naked. I will never agree to that.
D: Sadie, I was just thinking of you, too.
Me: I want your word that you won’t take videos or pictures.
I reiterate my demand, frustrated that he didn’t acknowledge it.
D: I give you my word, no nudes. Ever. I will always seek to protect you when you are most vulnerable.
Me: Says the stranger who’s been stalking me. Coming into my room. And now wants to stare at my naked body.
D: That’s ENOUGH of that.
My breath catches. I immediately know I went too far and wonder if he’ll decide against this craziness. The next five minutes feel like a lifetime. Will he take away my best chance at going on to college? God, I should call the school and find out if he really did what he said. If I’m in and if the tuition is really paid.
Clicking on the internet icon, I look up the number for the university’s admission’s department. Right before I hit the dial button, another text pops up.
D: You aren’t wrong. I deserve your contempt.
Me: I agreed to your plan. I shouldn’t have written that.
I hit the dial button and after being transferred to several different people, I find that my tuition for the summer program and the next school year has been paid in full. The woman on the phone insists that a package had been mailed out to me and eventually agrees to send me a new one. I ask her to send the information to my email address instead.
It’s not impossible my mother tossed the package when it came. She’s already suggested I can get a waitressing job at the club she ‘performs’ in so I can start making more money.
D: It seems we’ve had our first fight.
Me: I want to be honest with you. I just called the school to verify that I’m registered and the tuition is paid. They’re sending me a login where I can register for classes. I also don’t know what I want to major in yet, but I agree with you – I want a degree that will find me employed as soon as I graduate. I don’t want to ever live like this again.
D: Thank you for your honesty. There will come a day when you will trust me, but I understand that will take a while. I received your welcome package and it will be in your apartment. I registered you for two required classes to get you started, an English composition and a speech class. I hope that is acceptable.
Me: Thank you, yes, it makes sense to get those out of the way. When the woman I spoke to said a package had been mailed out, I figured my mother threw it away.
D: Are you still at home? Aren’t you working today?
Me: Oh shit! Thanks. I think I can still make the bank also. I memorized the number you sent me. I’m trusting you on that.
D: Have a good day, Sadie.
I gather everything I’ll need, including my money and phone, and tip-toe down to the bathroom. Jamming the door closed, I quickly shower and dress. Taking a deep breath, I open the door and head straight for the front door.
“Where you sneaking off to?” My mother’s voice, husky from years of smoking, startles me but I keep walking.
“Work. See you later,” I say, getting away from her before she gets a look at my face. She always knows when I’m keeping something from her and this time it’s a doozy.
“You’re eighteen now, gotta start paying rent around here or get out. You hearing me?” She yells out the front door after me. “I did my part. Ain’t gotta do nothing else for you, you understand?”
I keep my head down as I speed walk towards the bus stop. Making the mistake of looking up when I walk past old Mr. Schultze’s place. He’s standing in his open trailer doorway, listening to my mom scream after me.
“You’re welcome to come live with me, Sadie.” He gives me a toothless grin as he rubs his hand over the front of his pants. I whip my head back around and try to walk faster. “Don’t got to pay me nothing.”
Fucking creep.
Getting on the bus a few minutes later, I sit near the driver. Having this money with me makes me nervous. Luckily, there’s a bank close to the diner, so I won’t have to walk far after I hop off the bus.
The receptionist at the bank is barely able to keep the disdain off of her face when I walk in. I’m pretty sure she graduated from my high school a couple years back. Even if she didn’t, everyone around here knows which side of the tracks I’m from. No hiding it with a mother like mine.
Thankfully, the older woman in New Accounts is a bit kinder. Especially when she sees how hard I’ve been saving my money. I recite the social security number that Duncan asked that I use and am relieved when she doesn’t ask for any proof. As my money speeds through the automatic counter, she assures me that no one else will have access to my account. Although it’s pushed pretty hard, I refuse to get a charge card linked to my account. I’m terrified of my mother finding and using it.
I can’t keep the surprised look off of my face when she’s able to issue me an ATM card immediately and shows me how to set up the pin number for it. It never occurred to me that was possible and I’m happy that I’ll be able to deposit my tips, after my double shift today.
Walking around to the back of the diner, I smile when I see Ann outside on her smoke break.
“What’s got you so happy today, Sadie?”
“Can you keep a secret?” I ask, giving her a half-hug.
“Now you know better than that! But tell me anyway and I’ll give it a shot,” she laughs along with me. Ann does tend to exchange information with all our regular customers.
“It turns out I’ll get to go to college!” I nearly explode with the news, so happy to have one person to tell; even if it’s a half-truth.
“I knew something had to give! That’s great, how’d that happen?”
“Some grant came through at one of the schools. I was on the phone with admissions this morning and I’ll start in June,” well, that’s not entirely a lie, I tell myself.
“What your mama say about that?” Ann raises an overly done eyebrow at me.
“I didn’t exactly tell her,” I hedge. “And, I might need a place to stay. She sounds serious about kicking me out this time.”
“Hmmm, I’m sorry, I know I said my couch was always available for you and all, but with Scotty moving back in last week. I just don’t want him feeling uncomfortable,” she can’t make eye contact with me as she answers.
Scotty is her on-again-off-again-on-again, revolving door, douchebag of a husband. He runs around on her but she always seems to take him back and I’ll never understand that.
“That’s okay,” I say quietly. “Mr. Schultze said I could move in with him.”
“That beast! How dare he talk to you!” She smiles again when she sees me fighting my own smile. “Look, my cousin is shipping out with the Army. Why don’t I talk to my aunt and see if she can rent you a room until you graduate?”
“Sure, thank you!” I say, before heading inside to clock in. My shifts go by in a blur and the idea of depositing my money is too great to ignore, so I run across the street to do that before chasing down the bus to get home.
Unfortunately, being in the unknown realm of cloud nine means that I forget to check for signs of mom and Dick being around and I walk in to find him fucking her on the kitchen counter. His brother is sitting on our old couch, enjoying the show.
“Hey, baby girl. Come join the party,” he drawls out while my mom screams at me and Dick just keeps giving it to her.
I dart to my room and get the chair under the door knob, praying that it’ll hold if they try anything. Looking around, I see that mom found the money I hid under the corner of my mattress last night. Guess it wasn’t what she hoped for because she really tore the rest of the room up while she was at it.
Pushing my old dresser across the floor, I move the chair and put that in front of the door instead. I lay down, hoping that I can get some sleep; which is nearly impossible with the noises coming from the other room. It sounds like she’s practicing her dances on Dick and his brother out there.
I can’t hold back the tears that stream down my face. I’ll never understand why she couldn’t love me and I don’t care anymore – there’s not one thing loveable about her. But I know that other mothers don’t pull shit like this. Before I was old enough to work, I used to take the bus to the mall. Not to look at things we couldn’t ever afford, but to watch families together.
Parents holding their kids’ hands and laughing at things together. Mothers trying to get their children to pick something healthy from the food court. I would get so mad every time I’d see one of those kids throw a fit over something tiny. They had no idea how good they had it.
I can barely remember what my father looked like – my brother took the last picture of him when he went to jail the first time - and I will spend the rest of my life trying to forget my mother. It’s been a couple years since my brother has even been by. Sam stopped in the last time he got out of jail. He and mom got into it right away and he peeled out on his bike a few minutes later.
I know I’m all kinds of fucked up, but I can’t believe my life has come down to being some rich guy’s – shit, what is what he says he wants even called? A model? Prey? Sugar baby? Whore?
Gripping my new phone tightly, I nearly shriek when it unexpectedly vibrates.
D: Any more regrets you want to rant at me about, Sadie?
Me: No.
D: I’ll give you one more chance to back out…
Me: I’ve made up my mind. You’re the only way I have out of this hellhole and you know it. I’m not angry AT you. I’m angry that you seem like the only person who may actually care about me in this whole world.
D: I wish that wasn’t so, Sadie.
I laugh to myself. Even he knows it’s true.
D: I’ll let you get some sleep. Reach out to me if you need anything or feel like you’re in danger. I protect what’s mine, Sadie.
Me: Goodnight, Duncan.
D: Sweet dreams, Sadie.
The next day after I work the breakfast shift, I come home to find all my clothes in grocery bags outside the front door. Letting out a big sigh, I go under the trailer to climb in through the trap door that leads to my room. I only gather the things I actually care about. Turning quickly when I try to pick up my knickknacks, my elbow collides with my childish jewelry box that my father brought the one, and only, time he visited me. Hearing something rattle inside of it, I frown – knowing its empty, I guess the ballerina got knocked loose but I hurriedly put it in my backpack with my other things.
Getting outside, I’m about to call Ann and ask about staying at her aunt’s house when I look up to see her driving towards me. She’s spitting mad as she jumps out of her car, slamming the door behind her.
“Where is that useless excuse for a mother?” she shouts.
“What are you doing here?” I ask quietly as I gather the bags of my clothes and my backpack of things I care about.
“Mrs. Alverez called my ma and told her what your mother had done. Ma called me and I came right over.” She stomps her foot in anger. I’ve only known Ann since I started working at the diner, and have never been so grateful for her friendship.
“I guess having nosy neighbors isn’t the worst thing…” I throw a wave in the direction of the Alverez trailer.
“Now, my cousin hasn’t left my aunt’s yet but ma said you can stay with her. I hope you don’t mind the cats but it’s the only thing I can come up with.” She says, lighting up a cigarette. I think about bumming one from her but the last thing I need is a habit I can’t afford. “You got everything?”
“Yep, this is it. You and your mom are lifesavers. Thank you, Ann. I’m so sorry I don’t have…” I really try to hold my tears back.
“None of that now, honey. No one deserves this, Sadie,” she says as she helps me into her car. “You least of all.”
Ann’s mom fusses over me something fierce and shows me to a couch in her craft room. She keeps quoting bible passages to assure me that I’m just being tested. I slip her my tips from my morning shift and she nods before putting them in her bra.
“I’m on a fixed income, myself,” Mrs. Reedy says. “Never you mind moving to my sister’s place. I could use a little extra cash and Ann says you’re leaving after graduation?”
“Yes, ma’am. The middle of May.”
“Good then. Let’s say a hundred and fifty a month with you buying your own groceries and doing your own laundry. I’ll still be using this room but it’s a safe place for you to sleep,” she smiles before turning and muttering, “God knows, it’s better than what you’re used to.”
“Thank you,” I call out as she closes the door behind her. Beggars can’t be choosers after all.
My phone buzzes.
D: Where are you?
Me: My mom threw me out. I’m staying with a friend’s mom. Just until graduation.
D: I told you to reach out if you needed anything. You getting thrown out is serious. I will find a place for you near your school.
Me: You’re being bossy.
Okay, take a deep breath, Sadie.
Me: It all happened very fast. I’m in a safe place. I can walk to school and to work. Please trust me?
D: I wish I could touch you.
Me: I’m not going to lie. A hug would be really awesome right now.
D: I’m FaceTiming you. I want to see that you’re alright, then I want you to pan the camera around the room you’re in. I need to see that it’s a decent place to live.
I don’t get a chance to respond before the call comes through. I’m sad but not surprised when my view is blocked. I’m too tired to try to smile; I just let him see my face before showing him the room I’m standing in.
“I’m scared, Duncan,” I sigh quietly. “I’m scared because I want to trust you so badly and that makes no sense. Is it too much to want one person that I can depend on?”
The connection is broken.
D: Even if I’m your creepy stalker?
Me: Today my answer to that is: Yes.
D: Promise me you’ll reach out if ANYTHING else happens?
Me: I promise.
Me: How did you know something had happened?
D: I’m your creepy stalker, Sadie.
Well, ask a dumb question, I guess…
Chapter 3
Sadie
Days pass with the occasional text from Duncan, it’s the following Saturday when I get home from work that I get the tingles. He’s been in the house. I can smell him. Stopping to check in with Mrs. Reedy, I find out that she spent the day at her church, playing bingo.
His smell is strongest in the room that I’m staying in, the one that I showed him over FaceTime. Reaching for the quilt that I’ve been using, a piece of paper falls out. It’s a sketch of, well, it’s me but it isn’t me. My bob falls neatly around my face, my full bottom lip is caught between my teeth, and my eyes are alive as I look at something in the distance. I’m sitting on the branch of my favorite tree in a dress I never could have afforded.
I stare at the picture and try to figure out what the differences are between me and the girl in this drawing.
I sit down hard when I realize it. The girl in this picture is happy. She doesn’t have a care in the world. The dress is one I’ve never owned but in a perfect life, I’d love to have it. In a world, where I’ve never worried some guy would try to rape me.
I wear jeans, every day. Sports bras under a tank top under a T-shirt. Layers to give me time to fight. Up until now, I’ve been groped but nothing else. I like to think that’s because I take so many precautions but really, I think it just comes down to luck and how jealous a creature my mother is. At least some part of her understood not to trust her men alone with me.
Me: This is beautiful. But I’ve never been as carefree as this girl is.
D: Maybe, one day you will be.
*
The next two months fly by and all has been quiet. I saw my mom around town once and Dick and his brother occasionally come around the diner. They let me know Dick had dumped my mom for cheating on him with her new manager. I turned away in disgust and refused to wait on them.
Luckily, Ann was working with me that night and chased them out of there as soon as she could. It’s when I’m finally close to graduation that Ann – and her mother – turn against me.
“Did you know about what she was doing, you little bitch?!” Ann comes stomping into the diner and everyone freezes, looking up at her with their mouths hanging open. “And after everything we did for your worthless ass? Ma’s at home burning your shit right now! You mess with me and I will fucking destroy everything you have!”
