Fix them up, p.26
Fix Them Up, page 26
I glanced at Liam, standing behind the door, trying to communicate with his eyes. His face went calm with a decision. He swung the door wider, revealing him next to me.
‘Mrs Williams. I’m Liam Hunter.’ He extended a hand. ‘It’s lovely to meet you.’
I could hear a tightness in Liam’s voice. He used it when he spoke to the Joneses. It was his voice reserved for snobby arses.
We were lucky we’d got dressed and changed. But something about Liam’s still-wet hair and bare feet felt… intimate. Like he was used to being casual and half-dressed around me. And I knew Mum had got the gist by how she surveyed us from our toes to the top of our heads, her eyes assessing. Mum wore the same expression when I was sixteen, and my boyfriend was picking me up to see The Hunger Games at the cinema.
‘It’s Ms Evans,’ she replied. ‘And who exactly are you?’
‘Liam – Liam is the builder working on the house.’
Her eyebrows shot up into her hairline.
‘The builder,’ she said with disdain. ‘The builder you’re living with.’
I ignored the last comment. ‘Liam has been great, Mum. He jumped on the job quickly, and it’s almost done now.’ I glanced at Liam, needing backup. ‘Right?’
‘It’s almost finished now, Ms Evans.’ He shifted on his legs.
‘A few more weeks, then it’ll be finished.’
‘Weeks?’ Mum said, alarmed. She shifted her gaze to me. ‘That’s what they always say, Katherine. Double it. It will take twice the amount of time they say it will.’ Her eyes moved to Liam. ‘And double the cost, probably. How much is this costing, Katherine?’
Anger began to simmer in my chest at my mum’s poor form. I’d never seen this snobby side of her before. The way she looked down her nose at Liam. The scathing referral to ‘they’ like Liam’s profession was inferior. I’d always thought Mum pushed me because of my disability. I’d thought she pushed me to overcome and persevere. But had it come from elitism? A disdain for professions that weren’t acceptable to her? She had certainly looked down on artists, but I’d figured that was because it was such an unstable career.
How hadn’t I seen this?
I stood ramrod straight. ‘Liam is a professional, Mum. He’s done this for years. I think he would know how long it will take to finish, especially when we are at the tail end of the renovation now. And I used the money left to me by Dad. I don’t see why you would need to know how much I spent. It’s my money to spend.’
My gaze turned cold, and Mum’s cheeks flushed red hot.
She sputtered. ‘Well. If the house is almost finished, why are you still living here?’ she asked pointedly. ‘Surely you could live out of a room while it’s finished.’
I baulked. I could have moved back this week, probably. But I hadn’t wanted to.
‘Liam offered his annexe.’ I gestured outside. ‘I’ve been staying there.’
I could feel Liam’s eyes shift to me, and guilt burned in my chest. I should have come out and admitted that we were together. I had planned to, eventually. But I hadn’t expected to be ambushed. I needed to prepare my script perfectly and try to predict Mum’s retorts.
Mum’s eyes shifted over our clothes again.
‘I just— I came around this morning to discuss more details about the house. Invoices, etcetera.’
Liam’s shoulders tensed at my words. Mum ignored my defence anyway. I deflated. I’d shown my cowardice for nothing.
Mum crossed her arms. ‘I had to find out from Brian and Sandra. They looked at me like I was a terrible mother for not knowing where you were. Why didn’t you tell me, Katherine? I told you this was a mistake. It’s a money pit. Your father had some grand plans about renovating the place, but it was a misplaced rose-tinted view of his childhood.’ She shook her head. ‘And, of course, he had to drag you into it. Even from beyond the grave.’
‘This wasn’t for him. It’s for me. So I can get some closure.’
Mum scoffed. ‘This wasn’t going to give you any closure. Selling it and being rid of it would have given you closure. Trust me. There was no need to come up here and dig everything back up.’ She sneered at ‘up here’. ‘You need to put the house on the market and come back home. I’ve heard from Willa that she’s struggling at work, and you’ve taken off and left her in the lurch. They might be selling – closing for good. What will you do for work then?’ Mum pressed. ‘You need to think about your future, and trust me, it won’t be up here. Really, Katherine. Use your brain.’
Liam stepped forward, the warmth of his body behind me. He leaned his arms above me on the door frame. ‘Do not speak to her like that. Not in my house, not ever. If you’d let her get one word in edgeways, maybe she’d explain why she is here. And exactly why she felt she needed to keep it from you. Amongst other revelations.’ Liam levelled my mum with a knowing look, and alarm filled her expression.
‘Liam,’ I said, warning him, and I could see regret flood his features. His chest was heaving. I could tell he was ready to throw more words at my mother.
This was my battle, not his.
Mum turned to me. ‘What is he talking about, Katherine?’ She asked Liam, ‘Would you give us some space, please?’
‘Mum,’ I warned. ‘This is his house.’
‘I’ll go,’ he said, his touch lingering on my shoulder. ‘I’ll make us some breakfast.’
‘Well, he’s a delight,’ Mum announced after Liam was out of earshot. ‘You know how to pick them, Kat. I mean, a builder, really? And one that is quick to anger, at that.’
I closed my eyes. ‘Why do you have to do that?’
‘What? Question your romantic choices. I’m your mother.’
I clasped the door. Out of anger or for support, I wasn’t sure. ‘You put me down, Mum. It makes me question myself. I’m an adult. I’m twenty-seven years old, for god’s sake. Don’t you think I can make my own decisions?’
My mother’s cheeks coloured, flustered. She wasn’t used to me using my voice. She wasn’t used to me pushing back. I’d heard so many sharp remarks and put-downs from her mouth. Had Graham not played the peacekeeper, I think I would have pushed back a lot sooner. There were only so many sharp words and looks that someone could take.
And Graham wasn’t here now.
Mum scoffed. ‘I don’t put you down. I want to make sure you make the right choices. When you were little, you were so lost –’
‘Yes, I know I was. But I’m not little anymore. You can’t use my disability to defend how you treat me, Mum.’ I got straight to the point. ‘Did you ask Dad not to see me anymore? When I was younger?’
Mum’s eyes widened. Her mouth was a perfect ‘O’.
And that’s all I needed. I knew then it was true. I closed my eyes again, a deep-rooted disappointment anchored in my chest. It hurt.
Mum jumped into defensive mode. ‘Is all of this about your father? Really, Katherine. He was unstable. Flighty. Unpredictable. He’d never come to your parents’ evenings or ballet recitals, even when I reminded him. He took off, and you needed a dad who could be there. Not let you down.’
My nose and eyes burned. She was right. But she was also wrong to have pushed him away. And I was stuck in the middle, living the realities of their failures. My dad hadn’t owned up to his. He hadn’t had time. But my mum could.
I sighed. ‘Dad was unpredictable, yes. But you pushed him away, Mum. You made it worse. Can’t you see that? How and when I wanted to have a relationship with Dad – that was my choice to make.’
‘It’s not that simple when you’re a mother, Katherine –’
‘My name is Kat,’ I barked. ‘Everyone calls me Kat. I’ve been Kat since I was a kid, and I know you know that.’ My breath was heaving now. I’d never raised my voice like that. I squeezed my eyes shut. ‘I know I struggled at school and all that uncertainty when you were already a single mum juggling a lot. I don’t know what I would have done in your shoes. But the choice has been taken from me twice now. Because he’s gone.’
The last word choked out of me.
I thought about my dad at his lowest. He was not able to reach out for help, even from his brother. I thought of Brian’s strained, worried face when he told me how low he’d been, and my heartbroken dad wasn’t able to pull himself out of it. But I was heartbroken for myself because I was the one who lost out. I lost Dad and was left picking up the shards of our relationship. The broken memories and promises cut my hands and made me bleed.
And now it was all coming out, flowing strong.
Mum’s face flickered with pain; then she schooled it. She took a step forward. ‘I know you’ve taken his death hard. I understand, I do. But I don’t regret my choices, Kat. You don’t understand what it was like. How overwhelmed you become –’
I smiled sadly. ‘I get overwhelmed, Mum. Sometimes life is a bit much. But that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t live it. It doesn’t mean I’m not capable.’ I thought about Liam’s words. ‘I can’t be mollycoddled anymore. I have to push myself. And if I get overwhelmed, fine. I’ll get over it. If you wanted, you could support me through that. Help me instead of making me hide from everything.’ I lifted my eyes to hers. ‘You’ve made me risk-averse. You let me believe he didn’t love me.’ My voice broke.
Mum’s face softened. But then, her mask was back on.
‘Does this look risk-averse to you?’ Mum gestured around Liam’s hallway. ‘Living in some random man’s house, you’ve only known a few weeks? Does leaving your job and a stable income behind sound risk-averse? If that was my plan, I did a poor job of it.’
I closed my eyes, taking a deep breath. I wanted a new job, a new life. I wanted to stay with Liam. I was in love with Liam.
‘I want to stay.’
Blood rushed to my head. That was it. I’d said it. And once it was out, I couldn’t stop.
‘Liam and I are together. I know I’ve only been here a little while, but I found a home here. I like it here. And it likes me back. I’m moving up here, and you can’t convince me otherwise.’
‘I don’t know what to say. This is so incredibly selfish, Katherine. What about Graham and me? We’re not getting any younger, and you want to move two hundred miles away. What if something happens and we need help?’
‘You said you were going travelling next year. So what difference would it make?’
Mum scoffed. ‘Travelling. Who on earth told you that?’
‘You did. You and Graham have all those travel books. You said after retirement –’
‘That’s a dream, Katherine. It would be nice to travel the world, but we have a life to consider. Responsibilities. Normal people don’t just drop everything. And at our age…’ She laughed. ‘We could never do anything like that.’
I thought about all the times Mum limited herself. All the examples flickered through my head. She loved to bitch about her boss but never went for a promotion when he resigned. She always complained about the house but never put any work into repairing the creaky floorboards or touching up paint. She could travel and see the Pyramids and the mountains in Peru, but she wouldn’t leap.
She liked her life to be small and manageable.
Nothing I ever dreamt about was small and manageable.
She was never going to understand me or Liam or Everly Heath. She’d never understand why I wanted to move here and how it wasn’t daunting to me in the slightest. I wanted to share all of this with her, but I imagined her repeating it back to me, all the words sounding ridiculous out of her mouth.
The whole idea sounded silly – a pipe dream.
Mum shook her head. ‘I knew this would happen. This is why I’m so hard on you, Katherine. This is just like your dad – unreliable. I mean, if you don’t think of Graham and me, then think of Willa. She’s been left in the lurch. She put faith in you when she hired you after all those dead-end jobs after university. She trusted you, and now, when she needs you most, you abandon her to renovate some hovel.’
Tears burned under my eyes, but I didn’t open them.
Mum placed her hand on my shoulder. ‘There’s no need to cry, darling. I’ll send the estate agent details, and we’ll get it sorted.’
I took in a shaking breath and gave a sharp nod. I felt like I was twelve again.
‘Good. I’ve got an open return on the train, so I’ll head back.’ Judgement laced her voice. ‘I doubt I’m welcome here. I’ll book you on a train for this week, and we can sort everything remotely, okay?’ Mum patted my shoulder again. ‘We’ll sort it all out, darling. Get you back to normal.’
Mum left in a blur. I remember shutting the door behind me. I slid down the back of the door and burst into tears. I smelt Liam’s cedar scent first, and then I felt his strong arms come around me and hold me.
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Mum sent me the train ticket on the Monday after her visit. She emailed it to me with no message. I’d opened my phone to look at it several times.
Liam had given me space after Mum’s visit.
After she left, he led me to his sofa, pulled a blanket over me, and brought me bowls of food and cups of tea with reruns of Gilmore Girls on in the background. Liam’s eyes searched mine like he was looking for signs of life. I fell asleep on his sofa, but he pulled the blanket higher and kissed my forehead.
On the second day, I went back to the annexe. I didn’t want to burden Liam with my pathetic wallowing. I needed to pull myself together and get over it. Either stand up to my mum or go back to London. I screamed at myself to make a decision, but I couldn’t.
So I just lay in bed, paralysed by indecision.
Mum had chipped away at any confidence Liam or Everly Heath had instilled into me. Any faith in myself or my abilities was gone.
On the third day, I was asleep when I felt the covers move, the weight on the mattress and the smell of cedar. It was a moment before he spoke.
‘Red,’ Liam said, his voice hoarse. ‘Talk to me.’
‘I can’t.’
‘Why?’
I shifted, facing him. His brows were wrinkled, but his eyes were open and loving. Like he wanted to make it better. He lifted his hand and rubbed his thumb across my cheek.
‘Ren gets like this. I know the signs. He can’t move for a few days. I used to bring him meals to see some sign of life. It’s probably why I love cooking so much.’ Liam leaned forward and kissed my forehead. ‘Take as long as you need, Red. But come back to me, will you? When the fog is gone.’
My throat made a choking noise. I squeezed my eyes to keep the tears from overflowing.
‘You deserve better than this, Liam. Abi, too,’ I whispered, my voice raw. ‘Someone reliable. Not some headcase who can’t even stand up to her own mum.’
‘Hey, hey.’ He pulled me into his chest. ‘Why don’t I be the steady one for you, huh? You keep things interesting for us. Drag me into your chaos. I can take it, Kat. Talk to me. I’m going mad here. I feel like I had you for a moment, and one visit from your mum and you’re gone.’
‘She was so mean.’ My voice broke. ‘And I know it’s ridiculous. Willa would tell me to forget it. Ignore her. But Mum has ingrained so much of her opinions into me. I don’t know what is my idea or hers. I doubt myself. It’s like I’m paralysed.’ I stifled a sob. ‘I’m such a fuck up, Liam. I’m sorry.’
‘You are not a fuck up,’ Liam said, pulling me tighter into his chest. ‘You’ve never been a fuck up, Kat. She doesn’t understand you. It sounds like she’s never tried to.’
My tears stained his dark blue T-shirt. ‘I don’t know what to do. I want to stay, I do. But it’s like I’ve had the wind knocked out of my sails.’
Liam’s fingers drew back and forth on my back, soothing me again. Always soothing.
‘Let’s take some time then,’ Liam said, and I pulled back.
My heart raced. ‘Are you ending it?’ I wasn’t sure what I would do if it ended like this. Under the covers at midnight. Like the whole relationship was something I’d dreamt up.
‘No, you muppet.’ Liam gave me a sad smile. ‘Let’s take a beat for a bit. I’m opening the restaurant. You need to prove to yourself that this move is something you want. We’ve got a lot on our plates.’
‘You – you want me to go?’
Liam took my head in his hands. ‘I don’t want you to go, ever. But if letting you go now will let me keep you forever, then I’ll do it, Red. Two months to tie up any loose ends, then you come back. I’ll have opened the restaurant, so I’ll have some of my life sorted, too.’
‘You already have your life sorted.’
‘It might look like that, Red, but it’s not true. I’m terrified that it could fail. Terrified of losing you.’
‘I don’t want to go.’
‘Then are you going to stay? Even when you aren’t speaking to your mum. Even when you think Willa needs you? You aren’t that kind of person, Kat. You might be chaotic sometimes, but I know you like your relationships neat and tidy. Go and come back. Make me work for it. Ruin my life, Red,’ Liam teased.
I huffed a laugh at his joke. Even when it felt like my world was caving in, Liam could still make me laugh.
In Liam’s arms, I thought about Willa. Mum made it sound like things were a lot worse than Willa had made out – which was so Willa. She would undersell how bad it was if it meant I could be spared from the stress. I could work for her while she found a replacement. I’d have to move in with Mum and Graham, which made me mentally recoil, but at least I could convince them that this wasn’t a fluke. I was serious about this move. I was serious about becoming an interior designer. And I was serious about Liam.
I could use the time to enrol on the design course. I could pack my scattered belongings between Willa’s flat and Mum and Graham’s house.
‘I hate that you know me so well.’
‘You love that I know you so well.’
I muttered ‘piss off’ under my breath, making Liam laugh. He drew me closer, against his chest, and I listened to his heartbeat, steady. Always steady. I didn’t have to say it, but I knew we both knew the decision was made. We sat in each other’s arms for a few moments.
