He sits back down on the bench with Charlotte in the crook of his arm, his ink on his arm stark against the pale pink of her blanket.

  “You got to be the cool uncle, and now it’s my turn.” He grins down at her, taking her small fist in his finger.

  “Hey dickhead, you’re not the favorite uncle, I am,” Hudson interjects, looking offended.

  The entire scene is fucking hilarious, and a year ago…that was me. Fighting between the two of them over my Olive Juice. Now she’s too cool for her uncles and is chasing Evan around the playground, and I’ve got my own baby girls.

  It feels full circle. All of it.

  “Good thing there’s two then.”

  Carrying Quinn over to Hudson, I gently set her in his arms, where she snuggles into him, causing him to smile.

  Fuck, I’m going to miss these guys. They’re not just my best friends… they’re my brothers. The closest people in the world to me, besides Em, and my mom and sister. My entire life is about to change. These moments will be gone, and I’m going to be thrust onto a new team with guys I don’t know. I can’t imagine trusting anyone else with my daughters the way that I do them. I can’t imagine forming a bond with anyone else like I have with my brothers.

  This is the girls’ first outing without Emery, and they’re here for it. They were her for their birth, and Emery’s pregnancy. All of the firsts, we’ve done together.

  I was with my Olive you for all of her firsts, and now they’ll miss so many firsts.

  It fucking hurts to think about leaving them.

  I mean, how many firsts will I miss if I’m halfway across the country in another state? One too many.

  “I don’t want to go to Washington,” I say, gazing back out at the playground. “It doesn’t feel right. None of this feels right. This is my home, and everything I love is here.”

  “What are you going to do?” Briggs asks. “Hockey is your dream, man, it’s the same dream you’ve had since you were a kid.”

  I don’t know.

  I don’t know what the hell to do anymore. I know what I’m not going to do…. I’m not leaving Emery and my girls behind.

  That I know for certain.

  When I walk through the door with the girls in tow, both of them sleeping soundly in their car seats, Emery’s in the kitchen cooking dinner. It smells fucking delicious, and my stomach growls as a result. I’ve been thinking about food for the last hour, so I hope like fuck it’s not something healthy because I’m starving and I need the sustenance.

  I think the girls' first outing to the park wore them out because I haven’t heard a peep out of them the entire ride home, and even when I walked through the door, they didn’t make a sound.

  I’m getting this dad shit down pat. Easy peasy. Or my girls are just the best kids on the planet, probably the latter.

  “Hey Em,” I say as I hang up their diaper bag on the coat and bag rack after setting their car seats down gently on the kitchen table. I’m glad that even though we’re barely speaking, I’m still living here with her and the girls. Not because I didn’t have my room with Asher and Hudson, but because I couldn’t stand the fact of not being near the girls.

  So, the couch and I have become close.

  “Hey, did uh- did everything go okay? How were the girls?” she asks, not looking me in the eye. God, I fucking hate this. I hate this… divide between us, when all I want to do is pull her into my arms and hold her. Kiss her. Remind her of when things were good between us.

  “Yeah, the girls did great, even though they slept most of the time. They had a bottle, and I burped Charlotte while Asher burped Quinn, then they went right back to sleep.”

  “That’s good, thank you for taking them today.”

  “It was nothing, Em. They’re my daughters, you don’t have to thank me for being a dad.”

  She busies herself stirring what looks like spaghetti on the stove, nodding, and still doing her best to avoid my eyes. All I want is to see those baby blues staring back at me.

  Stepping closer, I gently take the spoon from her, and take over the stirring. She finally fucking looks at me, and we’re closer than we have been for what feels like weeks.

  "I think you’ve got some sauce…” I trail off, reaching out and swiping along her cheek that’s got a fleck of bright red tomato sauce. Underneath my touch, I can feel her shudder.

  It’s nice to know she’s still affected by me, just as much as I am her. Still. Even after everything, I have a part of her. A part that I never plan on giving up, no matter how far she pulls away from me.

  “Graham…” She breathes, her eyes fixed on mine, something heavy passing between us.

  I step closer until I’m a centimeter away, her breath fanning out on my lips. Her eyes are wide, her pupils dilated while her chest rises and falls with each breath. I can feel the chord of tension between us, ready to snap at any moment. Just as I lift my hands to cradle her face, a piercing cry breaks through the air. Emery jumps back like she’s been burned, and the moment is over.

  “I’m… I’m s-s-orry, I can’t.”

  Just like that, she’s gone. One step forward, two steps back.

  Fuck.

  Four

  Emery

  When I found out I was pregnant, claws of panic worked their way up my throat at the thought of my career taking a back seat. I could see it all, vividly passing by in front of me. It was the number one thing I struggled with when I found out I was going to be a mother.

  Being an attorney, becoming a partner, establishing a name for myself in an industry dominated by men…. it’s what I’ve spent the last ten years of my life working for.

  I’ve put every ounce of myself into my career. Blood, sweat, tears. There was never another option, not when the goals I set for myself were so high and hard to obtain.

  And now everything I worked for is in front of me, at my fingertips. I’m well on my way to becoming a partner, and having my name on the wall next to the men whose fathers paved the way for them.

  It’s everything I could’ve hoped for and more.

  Yet, sitting at my desk, surrounded by files and paperwork, and all the things that used to excite me, I feel… different.

  Unfulfilled.

  The dream I once had feels completely different now that I’m a mom. I miss my girls, and being back at work, as badly as I thought I wanted it, pales in comparison to being with my babies.

  It’s Friday, and my first official day back in the office and away from Quinn and Charlotte.

  They're at home with my mom, and while I completely trust her to take care of them… I just miss them.

  I’ve spent the last few weeks with just the two of them. Learning from each other, and now I feel dependent on them. Like if I wasn’t their mother, i don’t know what I would be anymore. I’m no longer the Emery who existed before Charlotte and Quinn. I wake up in the morning, and the first thing I think about is holding them in my arms, nursing them, spending time memorizing all of their features and praying that time somehow slows down, so I can savor each and every second together.

  “You good, Emery?” Lucy asks, poking her head into my cubicle. “You look a little lost.” Sympathy shines in her eyes, and being a mother, I’m sure she understands completely what it’s like to leave your babies.

  “Yeah, I just… it’s my first day back, and I didn’t expect to be this sad,” I say, a frown tugging at my lips.

  She nods. “Being a working mom is hard, but you will find that balance, Emery. I did, it just took a little while to find my groove. Something I really loved to do was wake up early with my little ones. Eat breakfast together and talk about our day. It was our special time together. I have no doubt that you'll find that balance.”

  Her words pierce my heart, and I feel the hot sting of tears in my eyes. God, I miss my girls. I can’t wait to be home with them.

  “Oh sweetie, I’m sorry I didn’t mean to upset you. I only meant to say I understand, and it’s okay to feel sad. And that I know it is hard, but I truly know how hard working and ambitious you are and I know how much this job means to you. You’ll figure it out, dear.” She walks over and pulls me in for a hug, squeezing tighter when she hears my sniffle. After a moment, she pulls back and gives me a sad smile, then leaves me alone in my cubicle.

  I pull my phone out for the hundredth time today and FaceTime my mom, who answers on the first ring. Her bright smile comes in to view, and I can see that she’s sitting on the couch with her reading glasses on.

  “Hey mama, I just wanted to check on the girls… again.”

  Mom’s delicate laugh floats through the speaker, instantly making my tears well again. Heck, my emotions are all over the place today. I just feel so overwhelmingly sad.

  “Charlotte and Quinn are both fine, sweetheart. They’ve just had their lunchtime bottle, and now they’re getting some tummy time in on their playmats.”

  She flips the camera around and shows me the girls on their bellies, staring into the mirror on their playmats and playing with the toys attached.

  A sigh of relief tumbles from my lips. “Thanks, Mama. I’m just feeling anxious today. My chest feels heavy, and I can’t focus on anything.”

  She smiles sadly. “It’s hard leaving your babies, Emery. But, on the positive side of things, it’s Friday, and your day is halfway through, meaning you’ll be home with them before you know it. Graham just walked in with some groceries, so I’m going to help put them away and then rock both of the girls to sleep. I’ll send you some photos of them later, okay?"

  “Okay, Mama. Thank you.” I sniffle.

  '“Love you, baby girl.”

  “Love you, mama.”

  Once we hang up, I begin sifting through the contracts on my desk. Somehow in the past few weeks, I’ve forgotten how monotonous reviewing contract verbiage can be.

  My phone vibrates with a message, and to my surprise, it’s not from my mom, it’s from Graham.

  I open it and it’s a photo of Graham gazing down at both girls with a look of adoration in his eyes, and a wide smile on his lips makes my heart squeeze.

  God, I miss him. I hate that we’re practically strangers now. It feels wrong, but my heart also hurts. I hate that I miss him this much.

  But I do. I miss him so much that it hurts. I don’t just miss his touch, or his lips, or the intimacy of us.

  I miss laughing with him, and watching our favorite shows while eating a pint of ice cream. I miss holding his hand, and him spinning me around the kitchen.

  Graham has become my best friend. And I never expected it, or planned for this to happen, but it did, and now my heart aches, and my head is more confused than ever. I miss my best friend. I miss being able to just talk to him. Coming back today was hard, harder than I ever imagined it would be and all I want is to confide in him, and lose myself in his strong embrace.

  I “heart” the photo he sent, but don’t respond. Not trusting my emotionally-driven, hormonal heart to say anything to him. I spend the rest of the day lost in my work, and am already packed and ready to go when the clock hits five.

  On the way out of the office, I pass by Robert’s office, and I see him gesture for me to step in, slowing down my hustle to get home to my girls. But I step into his office and plant a pleasant smile on my face.

  “Emery, hello. I’m sorry I didn’t come and welcome you back, I feel like I haven’t had a chance to take a breath.” He smiles warmly, gesturing his hand to the seats in front of his massive oak desk.

  As much as I don’t want to, because I want to leave to get home, I take a seat opposite of him, keeping the smile on my face.

  “Oh, don’t worry about it. It’s no big deal. I’ve been pretty busy most of the day myself.”

  He nods. “How are your girls? Is everyone adjusting well?"

  The truth sits on the tip of my tongue, but I bite it back before speaking. “Yes, we’re all navigating it together. The girls are angels, and Graham… well, he’s Graham. He’s a great father. I couldn’t do it without him.”

  Even though we’ve barely spoken in the last couple of months, he’s done nothing but show up, day in and day out, for the girls. My heart may hurt, but he’s never once not been there for our babies, and that’s all that I could ever ask for.

  “Good. I’m glad. I know you and Nate are set to have a meeting soon with Zack?”

  I nod. “Yes, next week. Nate and I are meeting tomorrow to go over the notes and contracts that he’s been working on while I was on maternity leave.”

  “Great. You know I’m really glad to have you back, Emery. You’re a great asset to Johnson & Sklelter, and that’s a fact. We saw in your absence how thorough and dedicated you are. I’ve said this before, but I mean it even more now, I can’t wait to see you flourish as an attorney.”

  His words, at one point, would’ve made my entire day. Probably even my week, but now they feel… empty.. Unfulfilling, in a way that I would’ve never expected. It causes tears to fill my eyes.

  “Thank you, Rob. That means a lot, especially coming from you.”

  He waves his hand as if to say it’s nothing. “Get home to your girls. I just wanted to touch base with you and let you know that we’re excited to have you back.”

  Rising, I nod. “Have a good weekend. I’ll see you on Monday.”

  Leaving his office with fresh tears in my eyes, I walk to the elevator and step inside, finally letting the tears that I’ve held back all day, flow freely.

  When I walk into the house, and set my briefcase down on the foyer table, the first thing I hear is Graham talking to the girls. It’s my favorite thing to witness, the special, soft, voice he reserves just for them, and it always does something funny to my stomach.

  “You two girls and your mama are my world, do you know that? Your aunt Allie says that you look just like me, but every time I look at you, all I can see is your mama. She’s the most beautiful girl in the world.”

  God, tears threaten to spill for the millionth time today. I can hardly bite back the emotion clogging my throat, constricting around my heart.

  Hearing my heels on the hardwood, he looks up at me and smiles. “Hey Em. How was your first day back?”

  The sight of him snuggling our baby girls, and being kind to me even after I’ve spent the last two months pushing him away, causes the tidal wave of emotions I’ve been holding to spill over.

  My face crumples, and I cry. I cry the entire walk over to the couch, and I cry even harder when Graham sets the girls down and pulls me into his arms. They’re strong, and steady as they hold me. I inhale his scent, realizing just how badly I’ve missed this.

  How much I needed this. Needed him.

  His arms envelop my frame, holding me tightly to him and nothing has felt right, in so, so long. That seems to only make me cry harder.

  I should pull away, push him even further away, but I don’t. I hold on, because for the first time in two months, I don’t feel so alone and overcome by hurt.

  “Em, baby, what’s wrong? What happened?” Graham mumbles, his lips pressed against my hair as he holds me.

  “N-nothi-ng, I just missed the girls and it was a l-o-on-g day,” I stutter, tears wetting my cheeks. God, I must look like a mess. I’m sure I have mascara running down my cheeks.

  His arms tighten around me, distracting me from the fact. Then, he stands and untangles us, grabs both Charlotte and Quinn and places them in my arms, along with the blanket Holland got them when they were born. They’re both asleep, but they snuggle against the mink blanket in my arms. For the first time today, I truly feel like I can breathe. Holding my girls, I feel the absence of the ache I’ve felt all day.

  This is exactly where I’m meant to be.

  “Your entire face changed the moment I placed Charlotte and Quinn in your arms,” Graham says quietly, taking his spot next to me on the couch.

  “I just missed them, so much. It was a hard day, and all I could do all day was think about getting home to them, to hold them and run my fingers over their cheeks.”

  Graham nods. “Em, what can I do? How can I help you? I know your career is important to you, and I know it’s hard to leave them. Tell me what I can do to make this better. You know if you don’t want to work, you can stay home with them.”

  “No, absolutely not. I would never expect you to do that and you’re right, my career is important to me. It’s only my first day back, I’m hoping that it gets… easier. I just, today was a lot. And I missed the girls, so, so much.”

  “I just want you to know that it’s an option. I’ll support you doing whatever you want. I’ll help in any way that I can, Em.”

  Shaking my head, I rock the girls to my chest. “Graham, we’re not in any place to make decisions like that, and I’m sure you can agree. I’m sorry to fall apart like this, I just had a really hard day. I… I’m struggling, with all of this. It hurts, and I feel like I’m not strong enough to hold it.”

  My words cause him pain, I can see it in the way his brow furrows, and the clench of his jaw. I have no doubt that he’s feeling the same pain I’ve been feeling.

  A reminder of what happened between us, and the trust that’s been broken.

  “I’m just offering, Em. I want you to be happy, and I want to do whatever I can do to make you happy. To make our girls happy. I know I fucked up, Em, and I’m so fucking sorry. I’m so sorry that I broke your trust and I’ll say it over and over until you believe me. I’ll do whatever it takes to prove that to you, until my last fucking breath. I’ll never stop fighting for you, baby, for us. For our family. Tell me what I can do.”

  I squeeze my eyes shut, holding back another round of tears, biting my lip until I taste the copper tinge of blood.

  When I open my eyes, the look on Graham’s face is enough to make those tears spill. I hate that we’re both hurting, that we’re both in a place that feels stuck. I hate all of it. I wish things could be different.

  “I don’t know how to fix this, Graham. I don’t know what we can do to make anything better, to make things the way that they were before.”

 

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