The latinist, p.11
Jack of All Maids (Hawthorne Hall Book 2), page 11
“Jack,” Chloe said, “can I steal you away for a second before…”
Then it happened. Her hyperflexed lips collided with his. It was quick and uneventful. But for a half second of the second it lasted, he thought he sensed their relaxation, maybe even the delayed graze of contemptible enjoyment. She pulled away, wiped her lips in apparent disgust - indicating the probable error in his assessment, and then the alarms sounded. Jack spun around to find Chloe awkwardly standing there, with Maude the Shunner beelining towards them.
“Tsk-tsk! Tut-tut! Your time tonight is done! Tsk-tsk! Tut-tut! For now you have been shunned!”
“Oh, wow!” Mick exclaimed into the camera after the alarm shut off. “What an insane turn of events. Zuri B has broken the Regency Rules of Decorum and will thus be immediately sent away. Forfeiting her date with Mr. Adamson and the comforts it came with, she will instead spend the night in the Shunning Place.”
“Wait, does that mean…?” Chloe whistled once more.
“Yes, Chloe. It does! By default, you are the second winner of today’s challenge and will thus be going on the romantic two-on-one date to Winchester! Congratulations, my dear!”
Chloe celebrated with the same classless goading she competed with.
“But do hurry, you two. Your helicopter leaves in…thirty minutes.”
With that, Jack watched as Dani and Chloe raced each other up the field and back into the house.
“As for the rest of you,” Mick said, “we’ll see you all at tonight’s elimination ceremony.”
The losers took turns waving goodbye and blowing kisses to Jack. Then, they were excused to return to Hawthorne Hall. After they were gone, Jack looked out over the expanse of the northern lawn for one last glance at Zuri, just as she disappeared into the woods with Maude.
Chapter Eleven
HONESTY AT THE CHESIL RECTORY
The four-mile flight from Shawford to Winchester gave Mick inadequate time to capture all the necessary footage for the sequence. As such, the pilot was instructed to take a more scenic route down to the Solent coast, then over Portsmouth, Petersfield, and New Alresford. But all the lush green fields, charming villages, and white rocky cliffs overlooking clear blue bays couldn’t hold a candle to Dani’s rare beauty. Before the day started, Jack couldn’t even remember what she normally looked like. Now that the post-regency version of her was sitting next to him in modern clothing and a perfectly contoured face, he had no desire to take his eyes off her, not even to blink. But every once in a while - for Chloe’s sake - he divided his attention.
As the helicopter touched down just outside of Winchester, Mick provided the updated itinerary.
“Alright - change of plans. We were going to start with a two-on-one around the city for about an hour, then break off into one-on-ones. But since we were able to find a dentist here who could squeeze Chloe in for a veneer repair, what do you say to scrapping the two-on-one and extending one-on-one time?”
Jack would have preferred one really long date with the woman who had each of her teeth intact, but it could have been worse. Zuri could have come instead. Besides, when Chloe kept her mouth shut, she was actually quite lovely…and mute, which exponentially improved her chances of avoiding elimination. Maybe upon hearing her speak, the dentist would pull a Hermey the Elf and remove all the teeth from the abominable’s mouth, in which case she'd have a real chance of making it all the way to the show’s finale.
As the cab whisked Chloe away to her appointment, Jack felt peaceful relief rush over him. Now, it was just he and Dani. Their arm-in-arm stroll through the city gave them time to dive deeper into her passion for painting. Their brief time at Winchester Cathedral also gave Dani a glimpse into Jack’s passion for Jane Austen - for when he discovered the Wizardess of Words was laid to rest under a single stone slab on the cathedral’s floor, he organized a miniature mob of protestors to petition the powers that be. Their demands: exhume Jane’s body and bury her under something more fitting - an obelisk or a shrine of some sort. And Jack’s favorite part: Dani seemed only slightly embarrassed when the bobbies came to break up the rabble.
Once Mick had everything sorted out and Jack had been banned from Winchester Cathedral for life, they made their way over to the Chesil Rectory for lunch.
“Have you had a chance to decide?” The waiter asked.
“Yes, we have.”
“Great. What can I get you two?”
“The lady will be having the oven-baked salmon with spiced cauliflower, the riz…rizzoli and isles potatoes, and…the other things it comes with that I’m not quite sure how to pronounce.”
Dani laughed. The waiter did not.
“Alright,” he said as he finished scribbling Dani’s order. “And for you, sir?”
“I’ll be having the duck breast with crispy confit leg, bou…boul…boula…”
“Boulangère potatoes?”
“Is that how it’s pronounced? That’s loony. I mean, I think I would have gotten potatoes all by myself, but...”
“That’s wonderful, sir.”
Jack sensed the waiter’s distaste for his flavor of humor, so he continued ordering.
“And also the fine beans and…does the boozy cherry jus have all the booze cooked out of it before serving?”
“Yes, sir.”
“Great. Then I’ll have that, too.”
“Perfect. I’ll get your orders in and have it all out to you in a jiffy.”
“Thank you, my good man.”
“Am I noticing a trend?” Dani asked.
“A trend?” Jack replied.
“No wine…checking to make sure the jus was non-alcoholic…”
“Mmm…very astute. Just slowing down a little.”
“But you don’t mind if I indulge?”
“That depends. Mick, am I paying for this meal, or is the production company footing the bill?”
“Oh, I think we can manage. Now, would you please stop talking to those of us off-camera and start pretending like we’re not here?”
“Yes. Sorry. Well, you heard him. Drink up, pretty lady.”
“Cheers.”
Jack clinked his plastic water cup against Dani’s elaborate wine glass and took the smallest sip possible. He couldn’t waste his stomach space on tasteless, odorless, non-caloric liquid. For somewhere in that kitchen, a duck was basting; a duck that had given its life to fill said stomach space. Jack owed it to the duck.
“So…Jack…”
“Yes…Dani..?”
“I’m gonna ask you a forward question, and I expect a forward answer.”
“Forward? I can be forward.”
“Alright…which of us is the best snogger?”
“Me, obviously.”
“Haha! No! I mean, out of the women you’ve snogged so far on the show.”
“Well, since you hold the honor of being the only suitress to have kissed these lips, the answer has to b—
“But what about Zuri?”
Jack hadn’t forgotten Zuri’s hennish peck. But he had forgotten that most of the cast and crew thought of Zuri as an actual contestant.
“Oh! Zuri? Well, apparently…” Jack said, trying to buy some time to think by speaking slowly and pausing in between words. “It was forgettable.”
“I’m sure!” she said with a laugh. “It looked pretty passionate to me.”
“It was fine at best. Yours was indescribable,” Jack said as he reached across the table and took Dani by the hand.
“Well, in a few more days, when that ridiculous rule expires, you and I will be more free to recreate those indescribable moments. But…so will the others,” she said with extra-pouty lips.
“Don’t worry about them. Just focus on us.”
“Excuse me, sir,” she said playfully. “It’s much easier said than done. Imagine you were sharing a house with eight men who were all gunning for the same woman. You’d have a hard time focusing, too.”
“I’d have a hard time not hiring someone bigger than me to assault them.”
“Hahaha!”
Dani must have thought he was joking. He’d forgotten she had no clue about his wealth.
“Hahaha! Only kidding,” he said. “I definitely can see how difficult it could be. How do you manage?”
“Well, the no snogging until day five rule helps in that regard. And I’m sure having an entire night away from them made it easier.”
“Aww! The Shunning Place. So it wasn’t as bad as Mick hoped it’d be?”
“Oh, no. It was terrible! It just made it easier not to focus on the other ladies. Other than that, it was entirely awful. There were bugs; it was dark and creepy, and after the cameraman got his shots and left, it was terribly lonely. And I was only sent there just before going to sleep. I can’t even imagine how abysmal the experience would have been had I wound up there earlier in the day.”
Despite his aversion to Zuri, Jack couldn’t help but feel guilty. Kissing was his idea, and there he was in the comforts of a Michelin-star restaurant with the finest of company while Zuri was stuck all alone in squalor. Technically, this should have been her date, and even if she would have hated the company, she would have at least enjoyed the food…and watching him nearly get arrested at Winchester Cathedral.
“Waiter,” Jack called out and waved him over. “Sorry to bother you, but I was just curious; what is that woman eating?”
The waiter followed Jack’s line of sight to the couple two tables over.
“That is our famous twelve-hour braised feather blade of beef. It comes with potato puree, confit carrots, baby onions, and port jus.”
“It looks incredible. I think I might…yes, I will. I’m gonna order that and have it packed up to go. I’ll save it for dinner.”
“Jack,” Mick said, “we won’t be back for at least another few hours. It’ll go bad by then.”
“Good point. What is it, a ten-minute drive?”
“Yes. Something like that.”
“Great. Call Thomas. Have him come pick it up and bring it back.”
“But there are no refrigerators, remember? The power’s off back at Hawthor—”
“Oh stop, Mick. You think Dani’s daft? I’m sure she and the others know you didn’t cut the breakers on our half of the house.”
“I’m sorry, sir,” the waiter said. “So…would you still like the order of beef?”
“Yes,” he said, but Jack thought of something just as the waiter finished writing and turned to leave. “Wait!”
“...Sigh…yes, sir?”
“Is the port jus made with worchestire…worshesheer…wor—
“Yes, sir. It is made with worcestershire sauce.”
“I see. Do you have a replacement you could use? Soy sauce, perhaps?”
“Yes. That shouldn’t be a problem.”
“Thank you, good sir.”
As the couple carried on in conversation, Mick texted Thomas, and fifteen minutes later, Thomas arrived. With Talia in one arm and Tae by his side, he approached Jack’s table with a clearly clenched jaw.
“Cut,” Thomas said.
“Oh, not you, too! Both of you need to stop doing that,” Mick implored.
“Sorry, Mick. And…Action,” Thomas said as Mick stared him down. “You know…so you can say, ‘cut.’”
“Oh. Thank you,” Mick said. “And cut.”
“Jack, I need to have a word with you. Now.”
Jack stood up and, for the first time all day, realized he hadn’t told Thomas why Zuri was in the Shunning Place. His mate must have heard it from someone else with no context and now had come to kill him. Thomas left Tae at the booth and led Jack away from the table. After they were out of earshot, Thomas unloaded.
“Alright, mate. You have thirty seconds to explain to me what’s going on with my sister before…”
“Thomas, listen to me. I know what you’ve probably heard, and I know what this looks like…”
“Yeah. It looks like…”
“Thirty seconds!” Jack whisper-shouted, demanding his allotted time more out of fear than frustration. “I’m sorry. It’s just the last thing I’d ever want is for you to think I’d gone behind your back and betrayed your trust. I love you, mate. I’d never do that.”
“Are you stalling to buy time so you can think up an explanation?”
“No. Just listen. Zuri can’t stand me just as much as I can’t stand her. You’ve known both of us forever. Can you honestly picture either of us having any desire to kiss of our own free will and choice?”
“Well…no. When I heard about it from one of the sound guys this morning, I thought he meant someone else.”
“Unbelievable, right?”
“So you promise you two didn’t kiss?”
“Well….” Jack said as he felt his own eyes wandering from Thomas’s, “...okay, hear me out…”
“Ahhhhhh!!!” Thomas shouted, lunging at Jack before apparently remembering he had a baby in his arms.
Just then, Mick came over, shushing. But before he could get there, Thomas snuck in a few shoulder shots with his one babyless hand. Jack returned fire with some defensive slaps at Thomas’s fist.
“Stop, you two. Stop! Listen, I know what this is about, and I can verify Jack’s side of the story.”
“His side of the story is that he kissed my sister!”
“Jack, you didn’t tell him why?” Mick asked.
“I tried!”
“Thomas, Zuri won the challenge this morning. Weren’t you there?”
“No. Talia was up all night. We ended up sleeping in.”
“Well, the winner of the challenge won a date with Jack. Rather than spend hours with him, your sister bit the bullet, gave him the most painful-to-watch kiss anyone’s ever seen, and ended up in the Shunning Place.”
“But what about him giving her a puzzle piece last night?”
“I told you. I was messing with her. The worst thing in the world to her is another day with me, and I gave that to her. It’s not like I was trying to do her any favors.”
“It’s true, Thomas. Jack only has feelings for the young woman sitting in that booth over there, wondering why you two are causing a scene.”
“So, you promise you don’t have any feelings for my baby sister?”
“I pinky promise and cross my heart infinity times!”
Thomas seemed to calm. He looked around, thought for a moment, and said, “Alright…but if I find out y—”
“You won’t.”
“You two good?” Mick asked as both of them nodded their heads. “Good because if Dani starts to suspect something’s amiss with Zuri…if word gets out that Zuri’s been planted…just don’t ruin this for me, guys.”
“Sorry, Mick.”
“Yeah. Sorry.”
Mick nodded, then headed back to his table to smooth things over with Dani. Jack and Thomas, on the other hand, waited nervously for the other to speak first.
“I’m uh…you know…”
“Yeah. Me too.”
“Alright. Ace. Ace.”
“I shouldn’t have…”
“Yeah. Same.”
“We good?”
“Of course. Of course. Just do me a favor, will ya?” Thomas asked.
“Anything.”
“Tonight at the elimination, will you please just eliminate her? Put her out of her misery, you out of yours, and me out of mine.”
“Your misery?”
“Jack, I came up here to help you. I brought Zuri along to help me. But with every second she’s on the show, I’m left all alone taking care of the kids. I’m not used to this, Jack. I’ve always had Jada to take half the load. I didn’t expect that from Zuri, but she hasn’t been able to do anything.”
“I’m sorry, mate. Keeping her on was daft and childish. I promise: she’s gone at tonight’s elimination ceremony.”
“Good. ‘Cause I just wanna be able to help you figure this whole process out.”
Just then, Jack spotted the waiter heading to his table with Dani’s lunch, his lunch, and a boxed-up blade of beef ready to go.
“You really want to start helping out?”
“More than anything.”
“Get your son to stop flirting with my date, and get my dinner back to a fridge before it goes bad.”
Thomas smiled and said, “I’m on it.”
Jack’s Thomas was back.
The date with Chloe went…fine.
“Ladies,” Mick said, “welcome to the second elimination ceremony. Having already survived the first, you are all now seasoned veterans - fully aware of what’s about to unfold. But that doesn’t make it any easier, does it? Lily…”
“Yes, Mick?”
“I couldn’t help but notice: you look rather nervous.”
“I am, Mick.”
“What’s going through your head right now?”
“I think, first and foremost, I’m worried I just haven’t had enough time to make an impression on Mr. Adamson. We’ve all had fifteen minutes, but the sheilas who earned dates got seven times that. Zuri and Dani got kisses. It’s hard to compete with that.”
“Naia, are you feeling the same way?”
“Absolutely. I’m normally a pretty confident person. I think we all are. But the elimination ceremony has a way of knocking you down a few pegs.”
“Connie, you heard what Lily just said about the kisses…how much time do you spend debating whether or not it’d be worth it to go to the Shunning Place?”
“I don’t know. I guess for me personally, I haven’t really given it much thought.”
“No?”
“Haha, not really. I mean, obviously, there’s not a girl here who wouldn’t want to be kissed by Mr. Adamson, but I’m just not the type of girl who makes the first move.”
“Not even for him?” Mick said, gesturing towards Jack.
Jack was so caught up in the unfolding drama he’d momentarily forgotten they were all talking about him.
“Haha. He makes it very difficult not to have those thoughts, but I don’t think he’d have chosen to come on a Regency-themed dating show if he was the type of guy who prioritized a quick physical connection. If that were the case, he’d probably try to get on the Bachelorette for a shot at Bachelor in Paradise.”
