Beyond the walls of sani.., p.2
Beyond the Walls of Sanity, page 2
Turk McDurk used to live over in the culvert that ran under the dirt road that led to the highway. You played with him often. You made mud castles and chased dragonflies. He held you when your father killed that little lamb on your thirteen birthday. He stroked your hair. You liked the way he stroked your hair.
Well . . . we’re not entirely convinced.
Go to A-18.
All right, then. Turk McDurk it is. Excellent. Let’s press on.
Go to A-20.
A-17
Oh, good. We’re glad to provide some assistance. Yes, we’re all a bat-shit crazy. We’d have to be, wouldn’t we? Seeing the things we see. Doing the things we do. All that blood.
So much blood, right? It’s hard to get out of clothing. And the ichor. That’s the worst.
No, wait. Space jelly goo. That’s the worst to get out, isn’t it?
It is! So sticky.
Go to A-15.
This feels like another trap.
Go to A-42.
A-18
It would be helpful if there was some sort of record—some manner of external data—that could help us verify the existence of . . . It doesn’t matter, really. In fact, if you are lying to us about this, all the better. That demonstrates an active imagination. That’s all we were really looking for here, anyway.
Let’s get to the assessment, shall we? Your therapist is named Dr. Nebuchenezzar. “Dr. Nebs,” for short. He’s waiting for you in his office. Can you see it in your head? That’s right. Visualize it.
Okay, are you ready?
Go to Section C. When prompted, please select C-3.
A-19
Now why would you think this is a trap? We’re merely trying to judge your state of mind before the full assessment starts. We asked a simple question: do you have imaginary friends? Either you do, or you don’t. Getting defensive suggests you are hiding something from us.
You’re not hiding anything.
Go to A-21.
Fuck off. You’re done talking about Nutso.
Go to A-23.
A-20
We’re not fooled, by the way. “Turk McDurk”? You should work on your made-up names. They’re not very clever. Not a day goes by when we don’t interact with someone who is lying to us. We’re very good at spotting those who are hiding something.
Anyway, let’s not get caught up in that right now. We have an important assessment to complete. Come along. Your therapist, Dr. Nebuchenezzar, is waiting for you. Dr. Nebs is swell. You’ll like him. Probably as much as you like this Turk McDurk fellow.
Go to Section C.
A-21
Well, we think you’re hiding something.
Go to Section C. When prompted, please select C-2.
A-22
Excellent. Imaginary friends are lovely. The next portion of this assessment is going to be like those times you spent with your imaginary friends. Relax and let your mind go blank. We’re going to shift you over to the therapy session that will make up the bulk of this assessment.
Your therapist is named Dr. Nebuchenezzar, though many folks call him “Dr. Nebs.” He’s a gentle soul. Not like the Old Man. Dr. Nebs is very competent, so don’t mistake his complacency and geniality as signs of weakness. This man will stab you if he thinks it is vital for your therapy.
(Where is the knife?)
Not literally. Metaphorically. Or, perhaps, spiritually. But not physically. The Night Office doesn’t engage in such techniques anymore.
Anyway, Dr. Nebs is waiting for you in his office. That’s right. His door is right over there. You can walk right through it. Don’t mind the brief moment of dizziness and disorientation. That is normal.
Everything is normal, in fact. It’s a perfectly lovely day. If there was more time, we’d recommend a walk in the park before you visit your therapist. A little fresh air does wonders for the brain.
Anyway, off you go. Good luck.
Go to Section C.
A-23
Oh, did we hit a nerve? Is Nutso chattering at you right now? Are you feeling agitated? Do you want to check the doors and windows? Go ahead. This assessment can wait. We want you to be calm and centered before you go any farther.
Doors locked? Windows secure? Good. Good. How is Nutso doing? Is he still chattering away? Are his tentacles showing?
What?
Oh, that was a little joke. Don’t mind that. No, no. Nutso is very cute.
For a squirrel.
What? No, we don’t have anything against squirrels.
(Fucking rodents)
They’re adorable. Really, they are.
It’s okay. Calm down.
Maybe you should check the doors and windows again. But only if Nutso says it is okay to do so. That’s right. Make sure it’s all okay with Nutso. Listen to your squirrel friend. He knows what is best for you. He knows what is best for all of us.
That’s right. The Squirrel God knows best.
Go to A-25.
This is totally a trap.
Go to A-27.
A-24
Don’t think we don’t see the air quotes you’re putting around that word.
It’s okay. Don’t fret about anything. We were merely attempting to get a baseline reading on your mental state before we started this psychological assessment. We’ve finished that initial investigation. You can go right ahead and start the therapy session with Dr. Nebuchenezzar now.
No, no. This won’t count against you. It’s quite all right. Remain calm.
Go to Section C. When prompted, please select C-2.
A-25
“Squirrel God,” eh? Do you offer sacrifices to Squirrel God—we mean, “Nutso.”
Oh, you wouldn’t call them sacrifices. Okay, okay. What do you call them?
“Offerings.”
Go to A-24.
“Nuts.”
Go to A-26.
A-26
Wow. I don’t think we’ve ever heard human sacrifices referred to as “nuts” before. We’ll have to add that to the official lexicon.
So, is there any concrete correlation? Like, are you referring to a specific part of the human body when you talk about “nuts,” or is it a general term that encompasses a whole range of body parts?
“Nuts” are testicles.
Go to A-43.
This is all a joke. You were kidding about the whole Squirrel God thing.
Go to A-45.
A-27
You are absolutely correct that this is a trap. What are you going to do about it? You have admitted to being under the influence of a trans-dimensional entity that manifests in your brain as a talking squirrel. Can you see how this might concern Asset Resource Management?
During Orientation & Inoculation, the Old Man told you that the Night Office was both Mother and Father. You swore to serve no gods other than the ones vetted by LOBE. You pledged that you would forswear all family, all friends, and all lovers. You took a blood oath to protect humanity from its own darkest nightmares. In return, the Night Office would take care of you—body and soul, mind and spirit.
And yet, you’re still talking to an imaginary squirrel.
He’s talking to you right now, isn’t he? What’s he saying?
Oh, the knife?
We haven’t said anything about knives.
Have you looked ahead? You shouldn’t do that. Peeking imperils the integrity of assessments like this. It’s almost . . . cheating.
You’re not a cheater, are you?
Whatever it takes to finish the mission.
Go to A-29.
Cheating isn’t fair.
Go to A-31.
A-28
No imaginary friends? Is that what you are claiming now? But a minute ago, you said you had several, and that you used to light them on fire for fun. Which is it?
You were talking about plastic dolls.
Go to A-6.
You misunderstood the question, and would like to get on with the main part of the assessment now.
Go to A-30.
A-29
That’s true. A Night Office field operative is expected to do whatever it takes to complete their mission. That is why Asset Resource Management gives field operatives a great deal of autonomy when they are in the field. You don’t always have time to call in and get permission from Management.
But using the Way—looking ahead through time and space—is expressly forbidden unless you are a Guide. According to our records, you were the Closer on this last field operation.
In fact, there’s a citation in your LIES that says LOBE has expressly forbidden you to undertake any Guide training. You aren’t allowed to look into the Way.
No, we can’t tell you why. LOBE’s citation is sealed.
Don’t be curious. We lose too many good field operatives every year to curiosity.
In fact, we should get on with the psychological assessment.
Go to Section C. When prompted, please select C-3.
A-30
What’s the rush? Do you have another appointment? Do these questions make you nervous? Are you afraid of failing?
Yes. No. All of the Above.
Go to A-37.
Oh, this is bullshit? Okay, fine. You want to get started on the assessment. You’re done talking about imaginary friends. Fine. Fine. We’ll do that.
Go to A-39.
A-31
Were you paying attention that day during Orientation & Inoculation when the Old Man said that life wasn’t fair? You must not have been. Were you daydreaming? Having a chat with your imaginary squirrel friend?
What was his name again?
“Nutso.”
Go to A-32.
He doesn’t have a name. You were lying about that earlier.
Go to A-34.
A-32
“Nutso”? That’s a fine name for an imaginary squirrel.
What does he eat?
“Nuts”
Go to A-43.
“Human flesh.”
Go to A-44.
A-33
How did that feel? To drift apart from an imaginary friend? Did they not grow with you? Did someone tell you that it was time to put aside the things of childhood? Or did chatting with a talking squirrel fall out of vogue?
Well, it doesn’t really matter. Imaginary friends can be like real friends, in this regard. Sometimes you do drift apart. There’s no real reason. The two of you merely wake up one day and realize you haven’t spoken in some time. It isn’t anyone’s fault. Not specifically. It’s just . . . time. It happens.
It’s a little sad, however, because this friend was perfect for you. Who do you have now?
Don’t you feel a little regret about this? Late at night, when you are alone in bed, waiting for sleep to come. Knowing that it won’t. Not tonight. The night would be less empty if you had a friend. Someone to pass the time with. Someone to make you feel . . . something.
Oh well. Perhaps we should start the assessment now.
Go to Section C.
A-34
Wow. Dig this hole a little deeper, why don’t you?
Look, there’s no reason to be defensive about this. Well, okay, there are a couple of reasons to be worried, but it’s okay to be paranoid. That’s part of what keeps you alive during field operations, isn’t it? This healthy distrust of everything around you, especially those who say they mean to help.
When you are out in the field, no one is going to help you. Any entity that offers assistance has an ulterior motive, and that is not always to your benefit.
Which is why we are here, after all. We want to be sure that you didn’t accept “assistance” from a third party while you were out.
You didn’t, did you?
Okay, okay. We’re just asking. It’s easier for everyone if you are honest with us earlier than later. Right now, everything can be considered as an innocent mistake. The sort of gaffe a rookie makes—
No, we know this isn’t your first mission. We weren’t overlooking your service to the Night Office. No, no. We wouldn’t do that. We know quite well how many times you’ve saved the universe. Three times, right?
That’s right.
Go to A-36.
Actually, it’s more like . . .
Go to A-38.
A-35
Is it painful to talk about the death of your imaginary squirrel friend?
It’s okay. We understand. We don’t need to know any details.
We are sorry for your loss.
Perhaps we should start the assessment now.
Your therapist’s name is Dr. Nebuchenezzar. You can call him Dr. Nebs. He’s going to ask you some questions about your recent field operation. He might ask you some questions about other people in your life as well, in an effort to formulate a complete psychic profile of you. It is best if you are honest with him—in fact, you will be completely honest with him, because he only exists in your head. You can’t lie to yourself.
Yes, we know that’s a lie. It’s okay. It’ll be our little secret. Shhh.
Go to Section C.
A-36
You are a valuable asset to this organization. We’re not trying to trap you. This is a very straight-forward assessment. All you have to do is talk to your therapist for awhile. His name is Dr. Nebuchenezzar, though many folks call him “Dr. Nebs. He’s waiting for you right now, in fact. While we’ve been talking about imaginary friends, your brain has been constructing the virtual therapy session. There were subliminal markers several pages back that started that process. It’s okay. We didn’t ask your subconscious to do anything it wasn’t already primed to do so.
Remember that session about neuro-linguistic programming and auto-suggestion during Orientation & Inoculation? Oh, you don’t remember that session. Perfect. Then everything worked like it was supposed to.
And yes, here we are. Are you ready to begin your session with Dr. Nebs?
Go to Section C.
A-37
It’s hard to know who to trust, isn’t it? When you are in the field, there are only three of you: the Opener, the Guide, and the Closer. You trust your team. Everyone else can fuck right off, especially once the Guide starts touching the Way. They are all trusting you to Close. The doors must be sealed. The portals must be shut down. The channels between here and there must be blocked. It’s all on you.
Closing is not for the weak, is it? Your Opener can get eaten by one of the Black Goats of the Wood. Your Guide can get lost in the Way. But the Closer? The Closer has to hold their shit together and stand firm.
In the end, the only one you can really—truly—trust is yourself, right?
Makes it hard when you’re not sure about yourself, doesn’t it?
This is why we do this assessment after a field operation. We want to be sure that your personality is still intact. If you’ve been co-opted by space jellies, or if Txuexuan the Blender of Brains has dipped a talon in your gray matter and scrambled a lobe, we need to know.
It’s okay to have doubts. We all do. But keep these moments of indecisiveness to when you’re trying to decide between menu items at a fast food restaurant. Don’t be like this in the field.
We clear?
Right. Let’s get on with the rest of this assessment.
Go to Section C.
A-38
Five times? You’ve saved the universe five times already? Wow. Are you sure? Let’s double-check this list. No, no. We’re sure you’re right. Our records must be wrong.
Let’s see . . . there was the job in Pennsylvania. That was your first, right? And then there was the job in Albuquerque. Yes. That job. Oh, we all remember that job. So much clean-up. And then there was the job in Tennessee. The truck stop. Ah, yes. The truck stop. And then, that house in Boston, that one where—well, it’s all in the report. We don’t need to go over that again.
Shame what happened there.
What? Oh, that’s only four. What’s was the fifth job?
That was the job which the Old Man swore you to secrecy.
Go to A-47.
That was the job where . . . actually, you’re not sure you’re allowed to talk about it.
Go to A-48.
A-39
The assessment will start in a moment. We’re just about ready. Please sit on that chair over there. Yes, the blue one. By the fish tank. Watch the fish swim for a few minutes while we finish texturing your therapist’s office.
His name? Oh, it’s Dr. Nebuchenezzar. Dr. Nebs, for short. You’ll like him. He smokes a pipe. We’re sure the scent of his tobacco will be soothing. Perhaps it will remind you of that ole auto-da-fé aroma . . .
Oh, did that trigger some kind of involuntary response? We apologize for that. Please sit down. There’s no need to panic. Nothing’s on fire . . .
Please. Sit down. Take some deep breaths. We want you to succeed in this assessment. We want to you be back out in the field as soon as possible. Yes, there are many monsters that need killing. Many incursions that need closing. You are a valuable asset to the Night Office. We do want you back in rotation as soon as possible.
Ah, there we go. Your session is ready.
Go to Section C. When prompted, please select C-2.
A-40
It’s important that an Operation Assessment & Review (LIMB—OAR—12/r) is filed with Library Information Management Bureau after every field operation. We need to be able to catalog the team’s field experience so that we keep up to date with the tactics and apprehensions of the vast variety of extra-terrestrial intelligences (and non-intelligences) that want to invade this planet. Your field operation may have been boring, but there could be some minor detail in your experience that LIMB and LOBE could use. They are always on the lookout for new defensive opportunities that could save all of humanity.
Well . . . we’re not entirely convinced.
Go to A-18.
All right, then. Turk McDurk it is. Excellent. Let’s press on.
Go to A-20.
A-17
Oh, good. We’re glad to provide some assistance. Yes, we’re all a bat-shit crazy. We’d have to be, wouldn’t we? Seeing the things we see. Doing the things we do. All that blood.
So much blood, right? It’s hard to get out of clothing. And the ichor. That’s the worst.
No, wait. Space jelly goo. That’s the worst to get out, isn’t it?
It is! So sticky.
Go to A-15.
This feels like another trap.
Go to A-42.
A-18
It would be helpful if there was some sort of record—some manner of external data—that could help us verify the existence of . . . It doesn’t matter, really. In fact, if you are lying to us about this, all the better. That demonstrates an active imagination. That’s all we were really looking for here, anyway.
Let’s get to the assessment, shall we? Your therapist is named Dr. Nebuchenezzar. “Dr. Nebs,” for short. He’s waiting for you in his office. Can you see it in your head? That’s right. Visualize it.
Okay, are you ready?
Go to Section C. When prompted, please select C-3.
A-19
Now why would you think this is a trap? We’re merely trying to judge your state of mind before the full assessment starts. We asked a simple question: do you have imaginary friends? Either you do, or you don’t. Getting defensive suggests you are hiding something from us.
You’re not hiding anything.
Go to A-21.
Fuck off. You’re done talking about Nutso.
Go to A-23.
A-20
We’re not fooled, by the way. “Turk McDurk”? You should work on your made-up names. They’re not very clever. Not a day goes by when we don’t interact with someone who is lying to us. We’re very good at spotting those who are hiding something.
Anyway, let’s not get caught up in that right now. We have an important assessment to complete. Come along. Your therapist, Dr. Nebuchenezzar, is waiting for you. Dr. Nebs is swell. You’ll like him. Probably as much as you like this Turk McDurk fellow.
Go to Section C.
A-21
Well, we think you’re hiding something.
Go to Section C. When prompted, please select C-2.
A-22
Excellent. Imaginary friends are lovely. The next portion of this assessment is going to be like those times you spent with your imaginary friends. Relax and let your mind go blank. We’re going to shift you over to the therapy session that will make up the bulk of this assessment.
Your therapist is named Dr. Nebuchenezzar, though many folks call him “Dr. Nebs.” He’s a gentle soul. Not like the Old Man. Dr. Nebs is very competent, so don’t mistake his complacency and geniality as signs of weakness. This man will stab you if he thinks it is vital for your therapy.
(Where is the knife?)
Not literally. Metaphorically. Or, perhaps, spiritually. But not physically. The Night Office doesn’t engage in such techniques anymore.
Anyway, Dr. Nebs is waiting for you in his office. That’s right. His door is right over there. You can walk right through it. Don’t mind the brief moment of dizziness and disorientation. That is normal.
Everything is normal, in fact. It’s a perfectly lovely day. If there was more time, we’d recommend a walk in the park before you visit your therapist. A little fresh air does wonders for the brain.
Anyway, off you go. Good luck.
Go to Section C.
A-23
Oh, did we hit a nerve? Is Nutso chattering at you right now? Are you feeling agitated? Do you want to check the doors and windows? Go ahead. This assessment can wait. We want you to be calm and centered before you go any farther.
Doors locked? Windows secure? Good. Good. How is Nutso doing? Is he still chattering away? Are his tentacles showing?
What?
Oh, that was a little joke. Don’t mind that. No, no. Nutso is very cute.
For a squirrel.
What? No, we don’t have anything against squirrels.
(Fucking rodents)
They’re adorable. Really, they are.
It’s okay. Calm down.
Maybe you should check the doors and windows again. But only if Nutso says it is okay to do so. That’s right. Make sure it’s all okay with Nutso. Listen to your squirrel friend. He knows what is best for you. He knows what is best for all of us.
That’s right. The Squirrel God knows best.
Go to A-25.
This is totally a trap.
Go to A-27.
A-24
Don’t think we don’t see the air quotes you’re putting around that word.
It’s okay. Don’t fret about anything. We were merely attempting to get a baseline reading on your mental state before we started this psychological assessment. We’ve finished that initial investigation. You can go right ahead and start the therapy session with Dr. Nebuchenezzar now.
No, no. This won’t count against you. It’s quite all right. Remain calm.
Go to Section C. When prompted, please select C-2.
A-25
“Squirrel God,” eh? Do you offer sacrifices to Squirrel God—we mean, “Nutso.”
Oh, you wouldn’t call them sacrifices. Okay, okay. What do you call them?
“Offerings.”
Go to A-24.
“Nuts.”
Go to A-26.
A-26
Wow. I don’t think we’ve ever heard human sacrifices referred to as “nuts” before. We’ll have to add that to the official lexicon.
So, is there any concrete correlation? Like, are you referring to a specific part of the human body when you talk about “nuts,” or is it a general term that encompasses a whole range of body parts?
“Nuts” are testicles.
Go to A-43.
This is all a joke. You were kidding about the whole Squirrel God thing.
Go to A-45.
A-27
You are absolutely correct that this is a trap. What are you going to do about it? You have admitted to being under the influence of a trans-dimensional entity that manifests in your brain as a talking squirrel. Can you see how this might concern Asset Resource Management?
During Orientation & Inoculation, the Old Man told you that the Night Office was both Mother and Father. You swore to serve no gods other than the ones vetted by LOBE. You pledged that you would forswear all family, all friends, and all lovers. You took a blood oath to protect humanity from its own darkest nightmares. In return, the Night Office would take care of you—body and soul, mind and spirit.
And yet, you’re still talking to an imaginary squirrel.
He’s talking to you right now, isn’t he? What’s he saying?
Oh, the knife?
We haven’t said anything about knives.
Have you looked ahead? You shouldn’t do that. Peeking imperils the integrity of assessments like this. It’s almost . . . cheating.
You’re not a cheater, are you?
Whatever it takes to finish the mission.
Go to A-29.
Cheating isn’t fair.
Go to A-31.
A-28
No imaginary friends? Is that what you are claiming now? But a minute ago, you said you had several, and that you used to light them on fire for fun. Which is it?
You were talking about plastic dolls.
Go to A-6.
You misunderstood the question, and would like to get on with the main part of the assessment now.
Go to A-30.
A-29
That’s true. A Night Office field operative is expected to do whatever it takes to complete their mission. That is why Asset Resource Management gives field operatives a great deal of autonomy when they are in the field. You don’t always have time to call in and get permission from Management.
But using the Way—looking ahead through time and space—is expressly forbidden unless you are a Guide. According to our records, you were the Closer on this last field operation.
In fact, there’s a citation in your LIES that says LOBE has expressly forbidden you to undertake any Guide training. You aren’t allowed to look into the Way.
No, we can’t tell you why. LOBE’s citation is sealed.
Don’t be curious. We lose too many good field operatives every year to curiosity.
In fact, we should get on with the psychological assessment.
Go to Section C. When prompted, please select C-3.
A-30
What’s the rush? Do you have another appointment? Do these questions make you nervous? Are you afraid of failing?
Yes. No. All of the Above.
Go to A-37.
Oh, this is bullshit? Okay, fine. You want to get started on the assessment. You’re done talking about imaginary friends. Fine. Fine. We’ll do that.
Go to A-39.
A-31
Were you paying attention that day during Orientation & Inoculation when the Old Man said that life wasn’t fair? You must not have been. Were you daydreaming? Having a chat with your imaginary squirrel friend?
What was his name again?
“Nutso.”
Go to A-32.
He doesn’t have a name. You were lying about that earlier.
Go to A-34.
A-32
“Nutso”? That’s a fine name for an imaginary squirrel.
What does he eat?
“Nuts”
Go to A-43.
“Human flesh.”
Go to A-44.
A-33
How did that feel? To drift apart from an imaginary friend? Did they not grow with you? Did someone tell you that it was time to put aside the things of childhood? Or did chatting with a talking squirrel fall out of vogue?
Well, it doesn’t really matter. Imaginary friends can be like real friends, in this regard. Sometimes you do drift apart. There’s no real reason. The two of you merely wake up one day and realize you haven’t spoken in some time. It isn’t anyone’s fault. Not specifically. It’s just . . . time. It happens.
It’s a little sad, however, because this friend was perfect for you. Who do you have now?
Don’t you feel a little regret about this? Late at night, when you are alone in bed, waiting for sleep to come. Knowing that it won’t. Not tonight. The night would be less empty if you had a friend. Someone to pass the time with. Someone to make you feel . . . something.
Oh well. Perhaps we should start the assessment now.
Go to Section C.
A-34
Wow. Dig this hole a little deeper, why don’t you?
Look, there’s no reason to be defensive about this. Well, okay, there are a couple of reasons to be worried, but it’s okay to be paranoid. That’s part of what keeps you alive during field operations, isn’t it? This healthy distrust of everything around you, especially those who say they mean to help.
When you are out in the field, no one is going to help you. Any entity that offers assistance has an ulterior motive, and that is not always to your benefit.
Which is why we are here, after all. We want to be sure that you didn’t accept “assistance” from a third party while you were out.
You didn’t, did you?
Okay, okay. We’re just asking. It’s easier for everyone if you are honest with us earlier than later. Right now, everything can be considered as an innocent mistake. The sort of gaffe a rookie makes—
No, we know this isn’t your first mission. We weren’t overlooking your service to the Night Office. No, no. We wouldn’t do that. We know quite well how many times you’ve saved the universe. Three times, right?
That’s right.
Go to A-36.
Actually, it’s more like . . .
Go to A-38.
A-35
Is it painful to talk about the death of your imaginary squirrel friend?
It’s okay. We understand. We don’t need to know any details.
We are sorry for your loss.
Perhaps we should start the assessment now.
Your therapist’s name is Dr. Nebuchenezzar. You can call him Dr. Nebs. He’s going to ask you some questions about your recent field operation. He might ask you some questions about other people in your life as well, in an effort to formulate a complete psychic profile of you. It is best if you are honest with him—in fact, you will be completely honest with him, because he only exists in your head. You can’t lie to yourself.
Yes, we know that’s a lie. It’s okay. It’ll be our little secret. Shhh.
Go to Section C.
A-36
You are a valuable asset to this organization. We’re not trying to trap you. This is a very straight-forward assessment. All you have to do is talk to your therapist for awhile. His name is Dr. Nebuchenezzar, though many folks call him “Dr. Nebs. He’s waiting for you right now, in fact. While we’ve been talking about imaginary friends, your brain has been constructing the virtual therapy session. There were subliminal markers several pages back that started that process. It’s okay. We didn’t ask your subconscious to do anything it wasn’t already primed to do so.
Remember that session about neuro-linguistic programming and auto-suggestion during Orientation & Inoculation? Oh, you don’t remember that session. Perfect. Then everything worked like it was supposed to.
And yes, here we are. Are you ready to begin your session with Dr. Nebs?
Go to Section C.
A-37
It’s hard to know who to trust, isn’t it? When you are in the field, there are only three of you: the Opener, the Guide, and the Closer. You trust your team. Everyone else can fuck right off, especially once the Guide starts touching the Way. They are all trusting you to Close. The doors must be sealed. The portals must be shut down. The channels between here and there must be blocked. It’s all on you.
Closing is not for the weak, is it? Your Opener can get eaten by one of the Black Goats of the Wood. Your Guide can get lost in the Way. But the Closer? The Closer has to hold their shit together and stand firm.
In the end, the only one you can really—truly—trust is yourself, right?
Makes it hard when you’re not sure about yourself, doesn’t it?
This is why we do this assessment after a field operation. We want to be sure that your personality is still intact. If you’ve been co-opted by space jellies, or if Txuexuan the Blender of Brains has dipped a talon in your gray matter and scrambled a lobe, we need to know.
It’s okay to have doubts. We all do. But keep these moments of indecisiveness to when you’re trying to decide between menu items at a fast food restaurant. Don’t be like this in the field.
We clear?
Right. Let’s get on with the rest of this assessment.
Go to Section C.
A-38
Five times? You’ve saved the universe five times already? Wow. Are you sure? Let’s double-check this list. No, no. We’re sure you’re right. Our records must be wrong.
Let’s see . . . there was the job in Pennsylvania. That was your first, right? And then there was the job in Albuquerque. Yes. That job. Oh, we all remember that job. So much clean-up. And then there was the job in Tennessee. The truck stop. Ah, yes. The truck stop. And then, that house in Boston, that one where—well, it’s all in the report. We don’t need to go over that again.
Shame what happened there.
What? Oh, that’s only four. What’s was the fifth job?
That was the job which the Old Man swore you to secrecy.
Go to A-47.
That was the job where . . . actually, you’re not sure you’re allowed to talk about it.
Go to A-48.
A-39
The assessment will start in a moment. We’re just about ready. Please sit on that chair over there. Yes, the blue one. By the fish tank. Watch the fish swim for a few minutes while we finish texturing your therapist’s office.
His name? Oh, it’s Dr. Nebuchenezzar. Dr. Nebs, for short. You’ll like him. He smokes a pipe. We’re sure the scent of his tobacco will be soothing. Perhaps it will remind you of that ole auto-da-fé aroma . . .
Oh, did that trigger some kind of involuntary response? We apologize for that. Please sit down. There’s no need to panic. Nothing’s on fire . . .
Please. Sit down. Take some deep breaths. We want you to succeed in this assessment. We want to you be back out in the field as soon as possible. Yes, there are many monsters that need killing. Many incursions that need closing. You are a valuable asset to the Night Office. We do want you back in rotation as soon as possible.
Ah, there we go. Your session is ready.
Go to Section C. When prompted, please select C-2.
A-40
It’s important that an Operation Assessment & Review (LIMB—OAR—12/r) is filed with Library Information Management Bureau after every field operation. We need to be able to catalog the team’s field experience so that we keep up to date with the tactics and apprehensions of the vast variety of extra-terrestrial intelligences (and non-intelligences) that want to invade this planet. Your field operation may have been boring, but there could be some minor detail in your experience that LIMB and LOBE could use. They are always on the lookout for new defensive opportunities that could save all of humanity.
