I reached the door to the study, which had been left slightly ajar and put my hand on it to push it open when the sound of voices within reached me—Mr. Cairnie’s in particular.

  “ . . . said Miss Cochrane shall receive her aunt’s entire inheritance. Was he mistaken?”

  I paused.

  “He was not,” Sandy replied. “She told me as much yesterday. Of course, when exactly she receives it will depend upon the efficiency of the estate’s executor.”

  “It seems a terrible shame, my lord, that things should happen this way—a matter of weeks all that stood between the two of you being able to marry. From the sounds of it, her inheritance would have been sufficient to allow for that.”

  “I gather so,” Sandy replied. “But what’s done is done.”

  The steward sighed. “I suppose so.”

  There was a long silence. “Shall we look at the improvements we were discussing yesterday?” Sandy asked.

  “Yes, my lord.”

  I stepped back from the door, my heart squeezing. I tried to swallow and found my throat thick as I tried to understand what I had just heard. Miss Cochrane had received a sudden inheritance. She and Sandy might have married after all if not for . . . me.

  What’s done is done, he had said.

  I thought on Miss Cochrane’s visit, about the misty look in Sandy’s eye as he had watched her walk away from him. Now I knew why.

  And what had he said last night when he had pulled back to look at me? Forgive me. I had thought you were . . .

  In his partially conscious state, had he believed himself to be kissing Miss Cochrane?

  I turned and hurried down the stairs and through the castle doors, gulping in the fresh air. How had I allowed myself to believe he might have begun sharing my feelings, wishing for more than a marriage of convenience? I grasped my hand at my chest as though I could massage away the hurt in my heart.

  I should have listened to Augusta. I should not have allowed myself to draw close to Sandy, to the Duncans. I was not of their world, and in my naivety, in my desire to be accepted by them, I had allowed myself to hope for too much. My money had been the only factor in Sandy’s decision to marry me, and now, he would live forever regretting his haste in that decision when he could have had Miss Cochrane instead.

  “Juliana?” I dashed at the tear on my cheek, took in a large breath, and turned to face Augusta.

  “I thought you still abed, my dear,” she said, coming toward me swiftly. “Are your hives bet—” She stopped, her eyes searching my face. “What is amiss?”

  I shook my head and tried for a smile. “Nothing, cousin.” My voice trembled on the words, betraying me.

  “Oh, Juliana,” she said, scooping up my hands and pulling me toward the bench that overlooked the loch. “Come tell me all about it.”

  I fought back the tears that tried to escape as we settled onto the bench. “It is nothing. Only my own silliness, as usual.”

  She squeezed my hand between hers. “You are not silly, Juliana, and no one knows that better than I.”

  I took in slow, deep breaths, trying to decide how much to tell her. I couldn’t bear to admit I had fallen in love with my husband, against all her advice, all her teaching and preparation. But I could tell her one truth that made my heart ache. “I miss home.”

  She nodded. “I do as well.”

  We stared out at the loch for a moment, our minds both on home, on the time before things had become so complicated. Somehow, I had truly believed myself sensible enough to marry for a title and nothing more. Life had been so much simpler when I had inhabited a world I understood and knew how to navigate. Here, I felt as though I was on that rickety, unstable boat Sandy and I had rowed. I was constantly trying to regain my balance, only for my heart to be plunged into the frigid water. I was not nearly as reasonable or steady as I had believed myself. I had merely never met Sandy Duncan before.

  It was not Newcastle I missed. I missed the time before I had despaired of him coming to love me as I loved him.

  “My dear,” Augusta finally said. “Why not come with your father and me to Edinburgh? I think you would find life more familiar and to your taste there. You are a countess, but I imagine it hardly feels that way when you have not tasted of the privileges and benefits it brings. Such things are best experienced in town.”

  I looked down at my hands, thinking what it would be like to go to Edinburgh. Would Sandy come, as well?

  I clenched my eyes shut. Why must I always be so concerned with what Sandy was doing? It was becoming an obsession. Time and space might benefit both of us. I would have the opportunity to meet new people and focus less on Sandy’s every move and every touch, while he . . . well, he could spend time with Miss Cochrane if he wished.

  The very thought gripped my heart, evidence of just how attached I had become.

  “What say you?” Augusta asked.

  I hesitated. Could I leave Lochlarren, could I leave my husband after such a short time married? I didn’t want to, but that was precisely why I should. I needed time to clear my head and my heart—better now than in weeks when it would be irrevocably his.

  “I will think on it,” I replied.

  She smiled sadly at me and pulled me into her arms. “Shall we go inside for some tea?” she asked.

  “Thank you, cousin,” I replied. “I think I will stay out here a little longer. I shall join you presently.”

  CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX

  SANDY

  I could not find Juliana when the time came for me to leave with Cairnie. I could have left without speaking with her, but I knew how interminable the day would seem if I did that. I hadn’t seen her since last night’s incident, and I burned with curiosity to see what, if anything would be different today as a result.

  The laborers in the great hall had spoken with her betimes but had not seen her since. Dolly could not tell me where she was, either, and neither could any of my brothers. Only an enquiry with Miss Lowe yielded fruit, though reluctantly given. I had not been mistaken: Miss Lowe was not fond of me, though I did not know the reason.

  With a bit of coaxing, she informed me that Juliana could be found outside. I decided against asking her precise location and determined to find her myself. There were only so many places she could be, after all. Lochlarren as a castle was tall and imposing, but its grounds were not extensive.

  The sky was gray and the ground wet from the night’s rain, and I followed the path around the castle until I caught sight of Juliana, standing at the edge of the loch, not far from where we had emerged the day we had fallen in.

  She had removed her bonnet, holding it in her hand as the ribbons fluttered in the breeze. She seemed in a pensive mood, and I wondered if that was why Miss Lowe had been reluctant to tell me her whereabouts.

  I was too curious to leave her to her thoughts, though, particularly because part of me hoped those thoughts might be centered on me. I could only hope they were happy ones.

  I walked up beside her without speaking, and she glanced over at me. The guarded look in her eyes made my heart pinch.

  “You are leaving with Cairnie?” she asked.

  I nodded. “After tomorrow, the surveying should be done. You are welcome to accompany us if you wish. I shan’t let you venture into any nettle today.”

  Her laugh seemed void of true amusement. “Thank you, but I think I shall stay behind today. There is a great deal to arrange for now that work is progressing on the great hall.”

  I ignored the flash of disappointment within me. “Certainly. You seem to be managing it admirably.”

  “I hope that is true,” she replied, her gaze still focused somewhere out on the loch. A moment of silence passed, then she turned to me. “I have been pondering, my lord, and I think I shall accompany Augusta and Papa to Edinburgh.”

  My heart plummeted into my boots. “Oh?” It was all I could manage.

  She nodded and gave a smiling grimace. “I wish to ensure Augusta’s health improves, and there is a great deal of work I can assist Papa with there.”

  I swallowed, then cleared my throat. “How long shall you be away?” Did I sound like the disconsolate puppy I was?

  She lifted her shoulders and smiled slightly. “Augusta is insistent I shall be the recipient of a stack of invitations the moment I arrive. I am less optimistic, but assuming she is in good enough health, I imagine we will attend a few parties, perhaps go to the opera. She very much enjoys such entertainments, and now that she does not have to concern herself with my chaperonage, I wish for her to enjoy herself as she otherwise would. She has been so miserable here.”

  I kicked at a rock on the ground, wondering if Juliana too had been miserable. “That is very kind of you.” I felt her eyes on me.

  “Of course, if you dislike it, I shan’t go,” she hurried to say, “I only thought, you have been so occupied with estate matters, you would hardly notice my absence—you might well accomplish more without having to rescue me from drowning or venturing into noxious weeds.”

  I laughed quietly and shook my head. “The first instance was no one’s fault but my own.”

  “I agree,” she said.

  I glanced at her and found that playful glint in her eyes I had come to love. I would miss it, however long she was gone.

  I took in a large breath and let it out in a gush. “Very well, then. Perhaps I shall join you in Edinburgh at some point.”

  “I would like that,” she said.

  I held her gaze for a moment, trying to understand this incomprehensible woman who had become my wife. If she wished for me to join her in town, why was she leaving? Did she miss the hustle and bustle so very much? Had last night’s kiss given her a distaste for my company? Perhaps she hoped a bit of time away would cool my feelings for her.

  “I should be going,” I said.

  “And I should go inside.”

  We walked toward the castle in silence, where the stable hand stood at my horse’s head. Juliana stopped and turned toward me once we reached him. There was a pause as our gazes held and I debated whether to kiss her goodbye again. Three days in a row would certainly solidify it into a habit, but I was afraid I had already gone too far after last night. What would she think, though, if I didn’t? Would it seem pointed, or that—

  Suddenly, she rose on her tiptoes and pressed her lips to mine.

  It was over as soon as it had begun.

  “Until this afternoon?” she asked.

  “Until then,” I said dazedly.

  She smiled and turned toward the castle, soon disappearing through the door.

  Mr. Godfrey arrived the next day, grinning and gregarious as he had been the last time he had come to Lochlarren. This time, however, he did not arrive to find Juliana and me stumbling into one another’s arms over swords. I wished he had.

  Despite her continuing ill health, Miss Lowe’s spirits were higher than ever at the prospect of leaving Lochlarren. For her part, Juliana kept busy arranging things for the improvements she had planned. The great hall would be well on its way, but the others would wait until her return.

  Whenever that was.

  I tried not to dwell on it, and when Mr. Godfrey’s comment at dinner informed my brothers that Juliana would be leaving, I avoided their eyes, directing a business remark to him instead.

  “Half the country is in town right now,” Iain said, derailing my attempts to redirect the conversation. “Orton left to go there just the other day.” He set his gaze on me, his cocked brow full of meaning.

  I clenched my jaw. I hated the thought of Juliana being courted by other men, for she certainly would be, but Orton . . . that was a bitter cup indeed.

  I slipped into bed that night with a heavy heart, knowing it was my last night with her beside me for heaven only knew how long. I lay on my side, facing her, and she turned to face me as well, our faces only inches apart.

  We looked at one another for a few moments, and I wished I had the courage to ask her what was in her mind. “You leave first thing in the morning?”

  She nodded against the hands she was using as a pillow. “After breakfast. Papa believes in a hearty meal before traveling.”

  I smiled. “A wise man.” I let out a sigh, wishing I could capture this image in my memory forever. “You will enjoy Edinburgh, I think.”

  Her forehead pulled together slightly as she looked at me intently. “Will I?”

  I could have sworn there was more to the question than it seemed, as though she truly doubted it.

  “It is more of what you are accustomed to than Lochlarren,” I replied. “And Miss Lowe is right. You will have invitations of all kinds the moment your presence in town is known.”

  “And you will come visit,” she said. “When you are able.”

  I swallowed, wondering how soon would be too soon. “I shall.”

  She gazed at me a moment longer, then let her eyelids fall closed, and soon, she was asleep.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN

  JULIANA

  The carriage was loaded with Papa’s, Augusta’s, and my trunks, and the horses pawed impatiently at the ground, eager to be off, to take us away from Lochlarren.

  I looked up at the castle, letting my gaze travel over its stony exterior, at the vines that crept along the east tower, and out to the vividly blue loch. My heart ached at the thought of leaving it. It had become home to me, each room full of memories with Sandy—from our initial meeting in the drawing room and enjoying soup in Mrs. Boyle’s quarters to the time his button had caught on my dress in the stairwell.

  I didn’t know when I would see it next. Only time would tell. My heart dithered between two hopes: the first, that I would manage to put my feelings for Sandy behind me, the second, that my absence might stir something in him, something that might lead him to think of me as more than the wife he was obliged to marry—the wife who had deprived him of the marriage he had truly wished for.

  Papa led Augusta outside on his arm, and behind them followed Iain, Blair, and Magnus. I looked in vain for Sandy. The brothers came up to me one by one to say their farewells.

  “I am quite angry with you for leaving us, you know,” Iain said after a quick embrace. “Sandy will be unbearable.”

  “He’s right,” Blair said. “Don’t stay away too long, or we shall be obliged to come after you.”

  “You are being nonsensical,” I said, wishing I had the courage to ask them what they meant. Why would Sandy be anything but happier with me gone? He could spend the money from our marriage in peace—and take as many walks around the castle as he liked with Miss Cochrane.

  Magnus took his turn to embrace me. I expected a quick, formal one, but he held onto me longer than usual. “We shall miss you, Juliana. Sandy especially. Come back soon.”

  I swallowed hurriedly as we broke apart, hoping my emotions were well-masked.

  Sandy emerged from the castle doors, wearing the tailcoat I most loved him in. I would not be assisting him out of it tonight. I would sleep alone and explain to everyone who asked why Lord Lismore was not in town with me. Why had I agreed to do this? Did I truly think I could return here at some point, as I would be obliged to do, and be unaffected by him?

  I was far from certain of it.

  “Juliana?” Sandy called to me. He hadn’t come over but rather waited near the doors.

  I picked up my skirts and walked over to him there, wondering if something was amiss—almost hoping it was, if only it meant I could stay.

  Sandy held a small box in his hands, and he extended it toward me. “A very belated wedding gift.”

  Keeping my gaze on him, I took the box. Our gazes held for a moment, then I wiggled the box until the top gave way and came off. Within was a simple gold chain with an amethyst pendant. I touched a finger to it gently as it sparkled in the sun.

  “I hope you will be able to use it in Edinburgh.”

  I looked up at him. His face was more somber than usual, his eyes subdued.

  “It is beautiful, Sandy,” I said. “But I fear I have nothing for you.”

  “It is no matter,” he said, a small smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. “You have been gift enough.”

  I searched his face, trying to discern his meaning. Was he referring to the money I had brought to the marriage? Or did he mean what I hoped he meant?

  “The horses are restless, Juliana,” Papa said. “We should go.”

  I nodded, and he shook hands with Sandy, who then bowed to Augusta. Papa guided her toward the carriage and saw to helping her in.

  I faced my husband. I had kissed him yesterday upon our parting. What of today?

  He took my hands in his and stared down into my eyes intently. “Be safe, Juliana.”

  “I shall.” I smiled slightly. “There is no nettle nor any lochs in town.”

  He gave a soft laugh, but the smile faded quickly as he gazed at me. He brought a hand and set it upon my cheek, sending a thrill through me. His thumb grazed my skin as our eyes locked. He shut his, then brought his lips to mine, securing us together with the gentle pressure of his hand on my cheek.

  I moved my hand to his chest, taking the opportunity to express to him, however briefly and inadequately, that I cared for him in the way I had promised myself I would not. I kissed him as though it would be my only opportunity ever again.

  We pulled apart, and his hand dropped to mine as I stepped back.

  “I shall write when we arrive,” I said.

  He squeezed my hand. “Only tell me when you wish for me to join you.”

  Now. I wish for you to join me now.

  I nodded and turned, going to where Papa waited to hand me into the carriage.

  Minutes later, the view of Sandy and Lochlarren grew smaller and was swallowed up by the trees.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT

  SANDY

 

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