Fallen, p.16
Fallen, page 16
His eyes pulled sedately shut as their lips met, and a flower bloomed in the void. Warmth filled his entire body like a rush of medical-grade opium.
His hands roamed for her under the covers and found the soft curve of her hip. He felt the heat of her body as though it were diffusing through his own skin. He followed the shape of her torso up to her breast, then her neck. Galaxies glowed wherever he moved his hands, as though they’d mixed morphine with ketamine or maybe LSD. He didn’t want to open his eyes in case he lost the feeling forever.
Where his own hands felt warmth, hers were cool against his skin.
She moved down his chest towards his jeans.
‘Take them off,’ she said.
He opened his eyes.
Daisy pulled her top over her head, and he followed suit.
They kissed again and she lowered herself onto him, but the cosmic theatrics were diminishing. No, that wasn’t true. The warmth, the fireworks were still there, but he was drifting away from it all. He felt Daisy moving on him, felt his own body receiving her, but he was not entirely present.
He was dissolving, floating away to the place he visited in his darkest times, when no other dimension of his mind was safe.
All fell dark and silent, and he was only a ghost of a ghost until Daisy rolled away, panting.
He stared up at the clouds of damp on the ceiling. The peak of the high was fleeting now. Even the mix of oxy and methadone couldn’t alleviate the discomfort of re-inhabiting his stiff, heavy body.
MAC
‘So,’ Mac said, stepping into the living room. Charlotte and Luke looked up. ‘I’ve got everyone’s favourite ogre.’ He produced the Shrek DVD from behind his back. ‘Or, I’ve got this other movie, but I don’t think you’ll care about that.’ He paused for dramatic effect, and then held up the Phantom Menace box.
He’d expected Luke to beam with delight, or at least give a small smile of relief, but he only nodded and pointed to the Star Wars DVD.
Luke had been through a lot. Mac supposed it’d take more than his favourite movie to make him forget everything that had happened.
‘Oh, wow,’ Charlotte said, playing along. ‘Isn’t that lucky?’
Luke said nothing.
‘They have all the other episodes too. There’s a really good selection actually,’ Mac said. ‘Books, movies, TV, music, some pretty recent stuff. You just have to write it in the book and you can borrow whatever you want.’
‘You want to watch it now, honey?’ Charlotte asked Luke, who nodded.
Mac knelt before the TV and put the DVD in. As the DVD loaded, he took the folded paper and pen from his back pocket and offered them to Luke.
‘I got these too. If you don’t want to speak, maybe it’s easier to write something.’
Luke shook his head.
‘Alright. Well, I’ll leave them here on the side if you want them.’
He started the movie and fell into the armchair. He met Charlotte’s eye and they exchanged a silent semblance of conversation: how are you doing? … I’m fine. Don’t worry about me… Okay.
The opening crawl was drifting across the screen to the main theme song when a knock came at the door.
‘I’ll get it,’ Charlotte said, slipping out from under Luke. ‘Stay here, honey.’
Mac followed.
It was Kamal, surely. He tried to prepare himself for the news in the meagre steps it took to reach the door. Kamal would either have the drugs Charlotte needed, or he wouldn’t. The wide selection of entertainment was promising. They must have an equally broad spectrum of pharmaceuticals too. Right?
He drew a deep breath as Charlotte opened the door.
Callum stood in the corridor.
‘We’ve got your bags down now, if you want to come and collect them.’
Only when the tension drained out of Mac, did he realise how tense he’d made himself, as though he’d been bracing himself in a plane hurtling towards the sea at a thousand miles an hour. But his relief dissipated as soon as it had appeared; the apocalypse had not been diverted, only delayed momentarily, which was probably worse in the long run.
‘Thank you,’ he told Callum and followed him into the corridor.
‘Back in a second,’ he told Charlotte, but she was as unresponsive as a mannequin, leaning against the doorway.
‘How you keeping?’ Callum asked as they walked. ‘I heard about the incident.’
‘I’m alright,’ he said. ‘We’re just waiting to hear back from the doctors about Charlotte’s treatment.’
‘Right. Well, they’re world-class specialists. She’s in the best hands.’
Yes, that was true, but none of them were specialists in cancer treatment. ‘That’s what I keep telling myself,’ he said, forcing a stoic smile. ‘How’s things in the Ark? Everything calm?’
‘Aye. Relatively. It’ll take time for people to settle in.’
They turned a corner. At the end of the corridor, in front of the oversized submarine door, suitcases, rucksacks, and canvas bags were stacked against the wall. Someone had brought a guitar in a hard case.
‘I had a wee chat with Andrew before. He’s organising a card game tonight. Got a bottle of whisky too. If you fancy it.’
Mac rummaged in the pile for his own bags and slung them over his shoulders. ‘I should be with Charlotte. And Luke.’ He considered telling Callum about Luke’s muteness, but thought better of it. ‘But maybe another time.’
‘Aye. Sounds good - Let me help with that,’ Callum said, taking the holdall for Mac.
‘Thanks.’
‘Listen, if you ever want to talk, I’m in room eight. Just give me a knock.’
‘Thank you. I’ll probably see you in the smoking room sooner or later.’
‘Aye.’ They stopped outside Mac’s apartment and Callum handed him the bag. ‘Take care, mate.’ He slapped Mac on the shoulder and headed back up the corridor.
Mac carried the bags inside and set them on the breakfast bar. ‘There we go,’ he said.
Did he detect the ghost of a smile on Luke’s face? ‘You want your things?’ he asked, offering Luke his bag.
Luke shook his head, looked back to the TV screen.
Charlotte got to her feet and looked through the bags. ‘Any news of Byron?’ she whispered.
‘I don’t know. I didn’t ask.’
‘Right,’ Charlotte said.
Was there a hint of resentment in her tone? He was too tired to tell. The universe had loaded another item onto his horse’s back. One more and it would buck. Maybe two if he was lucky.
‘I’m sorry.’
‘It’s not your fault,’ she said.
She started to unpack food from one of the bags, lining up the tins and packets of food on the counter.
‘You want a biscuit, honey?’ she asked Luke. ‘I’ve got bourbons.’
He stared back, shook his head, and returned his eyes to The Phantom Menace. Mac was gripped by the sudden urge to grab Luke and shake him, to scream at him to say something. Anything.
‘You want a cup of tea?’ she asked Mac, taking out a box of Earl Grey. Even in her panic, she’d thought to pack the teabags that only he liked.
‘Sure. I’ll make it,’ he said, hugging her from behind. ‘You?’
‘Yeah, okay.’ She laid her head against his shoulder.
He closed his eyes, drinking her fragrance, feeling her warmth inside his arms. If only he could hold her together, he would never let go.
But she slipped out of his embrace and reached inside the bag again.
He filled the kettle and took down two mugs from the cupboard over the sink.
Another knock on the door. He looked instinctively to Charlotte instead of the source of the noise.
It couldn’t be a second false alarm. He saw the same knowledge in Charlotte’s eyes.
She made for the door like a soldier walking into gunfire, and a chill covered him like an icy blanket. He liked to think of himself as the backbone of the family, his shoulders weighed down with all of their loads, but in reality, he was terrified of his own inadequacy. One day, she was going to die, and he had no idea if he could suffer it. The idea that his legs would give out and spill him to the ground terrified him. He could barely support Luke as it was. What the fuck was he supposed to do without her?
When he’d been stabbed, he’d spent weeks in bed, neglecting his world of responsibility to wallow in his own suffering. And that was nothing compared to what was coming.
But this was not his burden alone. Not yet. It wasn’t like Charlotte was unaware of the fact. It was not a sweet release at the end of the tunnel for her. It was hell. Yet still she walked into the flames without flinching.
He didn’t deserve her - he’d known that since the beginning - but here she was nonetheless. The question was, what was he going to do now?
He followed her into the hallway, and closed the living room door behind him.
Kamal stood in the doorway.
‘Can I come in?’ he asked.
‘Actually, can we do this somewhere else?’ she said. ‘Our son, he doesn’t know.’
Kamal met Mac’s eye, suppressing a frown. ‘Of course. We can go to my office?’
‘Sure,’ Charlotte said. She turned back to Mac. ‘Stay here with Luke, will you?’
A bolt went through his chest. Was he supposed to let her go alone, now when she needed him more than ever?
Yes. That was exactly what he was supposed to do.
‘Okay,’ he said.
She took his hand and squeezed it. ‘I’ll be back soon.’
She turned away and followed Kamal into the corridor. The door swung closed, leaving Mac in the darkness of the tight hallway.
He returned to Luke, sat beside him on the sofa.
On screen, Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan, and Jar Jar navigated an underwater cavern in a futuristic sub, but Luke’s gaze lingered on the doorway.
‘She’ll be back soon,’ Mac said. ‘She’s just gone to-’ Fuck. What did he tell Luke? The truth, if it were up to him, but it wasn’t. ‘-Talk to the other mums for a second.’ It was a lame excuse, but Luke was fixated on the screen again.
A giant mouth - some kind of alien shark - opened to swallow the sub, but Obi-Wan steered away at the last second.
They watched in uncomfortable silence, although Mac realised the discomfort was more on his part. Luke seemed sedately calm just watching the movie. Perhaps he should just let Luke process things in his own way. If he didn’t want to speak, that was okay. If he wanted to lose himself in the same movie again and again, that was okay too.
He tried to watch with Luke, but his mind raced through the corridors to the hospital where, right now, Charlotte was receiving the news about her treatment. If the Ark had the necessary drugs, they would have to start treatment soon. It had been a struggle to keep her most recent treatments from Luke, but at least then they’d been able to time hospital trips around school hours. How the fuck were they going to keep the secret in here? Luke would start to ask questions when Charlotte disappeared for hours and spent days in bed. She wouldn’t be happy about it, of course, but he didn’t see any conceivable way around it. They would simply have to break the news to him.
And if they didn’t have the right drugs down here... well, he didn’t even want to think about that. He’d find out soon enough.
He checked his watch, but only minutes had passed. He drummed his fingers on the arm of the sofa. They itched to hold a cigarette, but he could not leave Luke or Charlotte for at least the next hour or two. They needed him more than he needed a cheap nicotine fix.
He laced his fingers in his lap, but they quivered there. Was his whole body shaking?
He crossed the room to the sink and took a glass from the cupboard.
‘You want a drink?’ he asked Luke, who shook his head. He poured a glass of water, drank it in two swallows, and took a series of deep breaths to calm his nerves.
It was the not knowing. The treading water. That was always the worst fucking part. At least there was some degree of comfort in finality, no matter how dire the future. At least you could attempt to prepare yourself.
The apartment door opened and closed. Mac watched the living room door, waiting.
Slowly, it opened. Charlotte forced a smile but it did not reach her eyes.
He searched for an answer in her face, but she shook her head and moved past him to sit with Luke.
What did she mean? No, they don’t have the drugs to treat her, or no, she wouldn’t tell him now with Luke around? She had a better poker face than most of his superiors in the Met. Or perhaps she was just too tired.
He returned to the armchair, glanced between the TV and Charlotte, trying to read further into her face until she turned on him with a piercing stare. Just drop it, the look said, but beneath the rage he read the despair written in her face.
There were no drugs in the Ark, not the ones she needed at least.
His heart melted like hot wax, dripping down to scald his stomach and intestines, leaking out of his re-opening stab wounds.
He stared at the TV, but he could not focus his gaze. The screen was the only window out of the Ark, out of all of the suffering yet to come, but it was an illusion. There were no windows in the Ark. There was no escape.
He filled his lungs with air, but he still felt like he was suffocating. His veins burned as adrenaline shot through his blood. His fight or flight response was in overdrive, but he had nowhere to run. The greatest threat was the very walls closing him in, and outside of those were only more walls.
The only thing that stopped him from jumping up and withdrawing to the smoking room was the knowledge that Charlotte would perceive his weakness. Somehow, she managed to sit there beside Luke with the knowledge of their impending doom bubbling away within.
Luke extricated himself from Charlotte’s arms and made for the door.
‘You going to the toilet?’ she asked.
Luke nodded and left the room.
Charlotte met Mac’s eye, then looked immediately down.
He reached for her hand, but she pulled away.
‘I’m sorry, I just-’ He laced his fingers behind his head and grimaced. ‘I don’t know what you need.’
She let out a desperate laugh, which threatened to devolve into a sob. ‘Me neither.’
‘So, no dice then?’
She looked to the door and shook her head. ‘They can give me the same chemo as before. Kamal recommends surgery but…’ she shrugged. ‘I don’t know.’
‘We need to tell him,’ he said.
‘Not now.’
‘Then when?’
‘Soon,’ she hissed.
Mac ran his sweaty hands over his face. ‘This isn’t helping him.’
Charlotte glared at him with more rage than he’d seen her display in the fifteen years they’d been together, as though he were the malign architect of all of their suffering. And then her rage blurred seamlessly into despair. Her face screwed into an infantile bawl.
They’d been close to the edge for so long but here it finally was. The sharp drop-off.
He leaned forwards, and she let him take her hands in his. He squeezed them with force, pressing his forehead against hers.
Their tears dripped down onto the wooden floor.
She gave a deep, shaky exhalation, like he’d only heard from her during Luke’s birth. A feeble attempt to gather composure in the face of unprecedented torment.
‘Okay,’ she said quietly. ‘Tell him then.’
He wiped away his tears and looked into her eyes. ‘You sure?’
She swallowed and nodded. ‘Yeah.’
The toilet flushed and a moment later, Luke walked in. Charlotte clamped down on Mac’s hand, and he squeezed back.
Luke stopped in the doorway, clearly perturbed by their intent stares, their tears. He frowned, returned to the sofa.
‘Honey, we need to talk to you,’ Charlotte said, running a hand through his hair. She looked to Mac, and he took over.
‘We know this is going to be hard for you, but we’re all in this together, and we think you deserve to know the truth.’ He took a deep breath. ‘A few months ago, your mother went for a check-up at the hospital and we told you that everything was still fine, but we lied to you. It was the hardest decision we’ve ever made, but we did what we thought was best for you. After everything you’d been through, and then all of the progress you’d made, we couldn’t bear the thought of you being depressed again. So we lied. We told you everything was fine, but your mum’s cancer came back. That’s why she’s been so tired lately. She was due for a new type of chemotherapy next week that had some promising results in America. But now she’s going to have to be treated in here, and we don’t have access to those new drugs.’
There were tears in Luke’s eyes, but his lips curled into a smile. Why was he smiling?
‘I know,’ Luke said, and wiped his eyes.
‘What?’ Charlotte asked. ‘What do you mean, you know?’
‘I heard you on the phone.’
‘When?’
Luke shrugged. ‘About three weeks ago.’
‘Oh, honey.’ Charlotte gave a restrained wail and folded him into her chest. ‘Why didn’t you say something?’
He shrugged as he withdrew from her embrace. ‘You seemed happier that way.’
‘Jesus Christ,’ Mac said in a heavy breath.
Luke met his eye: see, Dad, I can carry a burden too.
He reached over and pulled them both into a hug. ‘God, I love you both so much. We’re going to make it through this, I promise.’
‘The important thing is we’ve got each other,’ Charlotte said.
They held each other for what seemed an eternity as The Phantom Menace soundtrack played in the background.
His relief was like a cool breeze, and he imagined he stood on a hill, looking down over a tranquil landscape. And then he opened his eyes to the same four walls. The same prison.
For a second, he’d almost forgotten the underlying fact.
Charlotte was going to die, and there was nothing he could do to stop it.
KAREN
Karen jumped at a knock on the apartment door. She’d been staring at the country road painting, but she couldn’t recall a single thought or emotion. Perhaps she had drifted off into some space between waking and dreaming.
