Old loyalty new love, p.15
Old Loyalty, New Love, page 15
“I wanted to make sure you were all right.”
I sighed deeply. “I am. Now.”
“Oh dear God, was that you actually needing me?”
“No.”
He chuckled. “No?”
“Shut up.”
“You sound really good.”
“What?”
“Your voice does this husky, rumbly, growly thing when you talk to me,” he said softly. “And it makes me think about sex whenever I hear it.”
“Ro—”
“It does, Quade. I think about you and what it would be like, and….” He whimpered low. “I want you.”
“You shouldn’t.”
“Yeah, well, I do, and it’s a done deal,” he soothed me. “What time is your challenge tomorrow?”
“At dusk,” I replied, realizing how much good it was doing me to talk to him. Roman had a calming effect on me. “Right as the sun goes down.”
“Okay.”
I could have kept talking to him all night, but I saw Del walk in and knew my ex would be there any second. “Oh.”
“Oh?”
I coughed softly. “Yeah, I gotta go.”
“You’ll call me afterward, of course.”
“Of course.”
“Excellent,” he said, and then he hung up.
I tucked my cell phone into the breast pocket of my suit jacket, drained my beer, and lifted my hand so Del would see me.
It had been amazing to see him earlier in the day, but to see Novan Grace, the man who once upon a time I’d thought would be it for me for the rest of my life, would be, I was certain, like a knife in my heart.
And then he was suddenly there—right there—and amazingly, it wasn’t.
I was staring and waiting, and exactly as I had for Del, I felt nothing but a sense of familiarity and nostalgia and the warmth of shared memory.
I was okay.
I was fine.
And even though I would never forget the man himself, the pain and grief that had once been attached to him, to his face, was gone.
There was no sense of loss; there was no anything.
All those years ago, when I’d walked in on Del and Novan—found them in my bed, flushed, dripping in sweat—seeing them together had broken me. Everything I thought I knew about love and commitment and friendship and loyalty had been a lie. At the time, when I ran, I thought the wound would never heal. I had counted on being fractured forever. But somewhere during the passage of eleven years, in first protecting another, then caring, and finally loving… I had healed.
I had become another person, and the guy I was now, his heart didn’t belong to Novan Grace. It was the property of Roman Howell and had been, honestly, for quite some time.
I thought I knew myself better than that, but I had missed the truth even when it was right under my nose.
It was a relief, a weight lifted from my shoulders, and I felt lighter, stronger, better, but most of all… more than anything… he had to know.
And all of a sudden it hit me that really, unlike fighting a shifter for control of my old pack on our ancestral hunting land, I didn’t actually have to be there. No closure needed.
I bolted around the bar, went out the glass door to the lush patio, pulled my cell phone from the breast pocket of my suit jacket, and called Roman. I reached the railing and grabbed hold.
“That was fast,” he said breathlessly.
“What’s the matter with you?”
“I was waiting to hear.”
“You were waiting to hear what?” I rumbled.
“If—” He panted. “—you were coming home.”
Normally we bantered. Normally there was teasing. But I’d had an epiphany, and I needed to share.
“Quade?”
But what was I going to say? It made more sense to lie and then just leave.
“Tell the truth.”
“What?”
“I know you,” he said bluntly. “You’ve been planning to leave me.”
“I was.”
“Was?” He latched onto the word.
“Yes.”
“And now? Are you coming home?”
“Of course I’m coming home, you idiot,” I growled at him, annoyed that he doubted me. “You’re there.”
I heard the softest whimper.
“You know better than that.” I grouched at him.
“I do?” He sounded so hopeful, so sweet.
“Yes. Don’t be stupid.”
“And if, say, I didn’t want to wait to see you?” he hedged. “If I said being away from you was so unnatural, so alien and plain stupid that I went against your express orders to remain behind… would you be mad?”
And I realized at that moment what exactly I had been hearing in the background on his phone: he was in an airport terminal.
“Would you?”
“Tell me where you are.”
“Quade.” His voice cracked. “Would you?”
“No,” I confessed, exhaling the very last of my resistance.
“No?”
“Where are you?”
“Quade!”
I glanced back toward the restaurant and saw Novan Grace rushing across the deserted part of the patio toward me.
“Is that him calling you?” Roman asked coldly.
“Quade,” Novan cried out.
“Where are you?” I barked at him.
“I’m on my way there, so look out for me.”
“Roman!” I yelled at him. “You’re not supposed to put yourself in any sort of—”
“I had to come, Quade,” he entreated. “I couldn’t do anything else.”
“There—”
“Quade,” Novan gasped, stepping in front of me.
I could not have two simultaneous conversations. “You—”
“Hi,” Novan said, and then he took a shuddering breath.
“Look for me,” Roman ordered and hung up.
“Fuck,” I swore and was about to call him back when Novan took my phone out of my hand and stared up into my eyes.
It was odd to be facing the man who had, once upon a time, gutted my heart. The problem was, my heart had recovered, and the guy who owned it now was giving me palpitations.
“I need that,” I said, holding out my hand for my phone.
“Could you maybe talk to me?”
“In a second,” I promised.
He handed me my cell back, and I punched the number and waited. The call went straight to voice mail. I could only assume that Roman was, in fact, on his way.
After putting the phone back into the breast pocket of my suit jacket, I finally gave Novan Grace my attention and took a moment to appreciate what eleven years looked like on the man.
Novan had always been beautiful. Tall, with long, lean muscles, he was built like the contemporary dancer he’d been in college and for a few years after. We had met when he was on his second career, that of social worker, after he’d blown out his knee. I had been as drawn to his passion to help as I was to his gorgeous brown eyes, his delicate features, his small, short upturned nose, and deep dimples. His thick chestnut-brown hair, which used to fall past his shoulders, was short now, framing his face, and his beautiful, full, dark lips were open in a mute gasp.
“You look good.”
My words seemed to break some sort of trance in him, and he reached up and put a hand on my cheek.
“It’s nice to see you,” I said, covering his hand with mine and squeezing tight for a second before I lifted it away and took a step away from him.
He followed me quickly, barring my retreat as if I was trying to run. Again. “Jesus, Quade, where have you been?”
“In Maine,” I replied, because it was the truth.
He couldn’t seem to stop staring.
I SAT across from Novan and Del. We’d said nothing since each of us had responded to the waiter. Del was having a Jack and Coke, Novan a glass of Chardonnay, and I was having another Corona with the lime shoved down into the neck. It was odd, and it felt strange, and while thanking them both for giving me closure and bolting was what I wanted to do, it seemed tremendously selfish.
“So, I—”
Novan cut me off, his gaze locked on mine. “Where did you go?”
“I took a position in private security after I left the army,” I replied.
“In Maine,” Del said, his green eyes locked on my face.
“Yes.”
Novan took a sharp breath. “You disappeared. You left everything.”
I had taken my clothes and my laptop, but everything else—books, photographs, an impressive DVD collection, art, dishes; all the things that made a house a home—I had walked away from.
“There were water bottles you took running, the Fiestaware we collected, and your favorite omelet pan,” Novan said, like it was important.
But that was all insignificant at this point.
“You walked right out of your life.”
“Yes, I did,” I agreed.
“That wasn’t what I wanted,” he said, and I heard the pain clearly in his voice.
“It was,” I countered. “You sleeping with Del let me know that.”
Silence.
“No,” Del chimed in, and when I checked I saw the hurt there. “Novan needed both of us.”
Or, more correctly, had wanted us both.
“And you never let him explain.”
“That’s very true.”
“It was never supposed to be only him and me,” Del said softly.
It took me a minute, because what I thought first, I was certain, could not be right. The it implied planning, and even though I could no longer be hurt by any new discovery, I could definitely be surprised.
“Quade,” Novan began, his voice shaky. “How could you have missed that we both wanted you?”
“I walked into our home,” I said softly. “And you guys were in bed. There was no me in that.”
“You’re wrong,” my ex assured me. “You’ve always been right there between us.”
I looked to Del for clarity.
“We never thought it would be just the two of us,” he confessed, searching my face. “We never wanted it to be.”
And that much had been screamed at me the day I ran out of their lives.
We want you to stay!
We want it to be the three of us!
We want you!
I had heard all the words, first inside the house and then out. But I’d never known there had been a planned component.
I was quiet as the drinks came, as Novan ordered appetizers and a salad, and remained silent when the waiter left.
Del resumed talking. “Novan needed me in his life. You were always so secretive, Quade, and he had to have someone there were no secrets with. There were pieces of your life that neither of us knew, but it didn’t matter because we had each other to turn to.”
They’d had each other… but for how long?
And only then did the whole picture come into focus. “So the night I came home and found you guys—that wasn’t the first time.”
“No,” Del came clean. “It wasn’t.”
I had been living a lie and never known. Thinking back on my life with Novan, even if I had smelled Del in my home, on my sheets, I never would have questioned it. One of us was with him every day. The man’s scent was on my clothes, on Novan’s; he ran with me every morning and went to the gym with Novan in the afternoon. We suffered through blind dates with him, offered support; he was in my kitchen, on my couch—everywhere. Having Novan reek of him would never have given me even a moment of concern.
“So the nights I came home and you were there….” My stomach clenched suddenly from the complete and utter betrayal of it all. I had been so duped, so out of touch with the animal in me, relying so much on my humanity that I never once doubted or questioned or wondered. The jackal in me would have sensed another in his lair. The man had blindly trusted.
“Quade?” Novan sounded scared.
“How—” I coughed. “How long were you two together?”
“It doesn’t matter,” Novan said, leaning forward.
But it mattered deeply to me.
“Practically the whole time, Quade,” Del answered, sounding miserable and worried.
How could I have missed that? I missed nothing.
“I wanted you,” Novan rushed out under his breath. “My God, Quade—I have never wanted anyone like… it was crazy. It was—”
“But he had to have me too,” Del said, cutting him off. “Because you were so mysterious, Quade, and I was his rock.”
I had not been strong enough to build on. I remembered when I first met Novan and then later when I had introduced him to the most important person in my life: my best friend. Novan and Del had hit it off right away, and I had been so happy. And later, when we fought, Del was always there, playing peacemaker
“You were so secretive,” Novan reiterated. “I never knew what you were thinking or if it was permanent or if you were going to stay.”
He hadn’t trusted me to be his home and so had put his faith in Del instead, because Del was the sure thing, the guaranteed foundation.
I was not.
I was the wild card.
I was the guy who disappeared.
“But I wanted you too.” Novan sounded urgent, almost begging me to understand. “Both of us—Quade—we needed you like—”
“More than you can imagine,” Del said, his voice ragged and low. “And when you left instead of fighting, instead of talking, instead of doing anything at all—it tore us both apart.”
“I was so wrong,” Novan said, his voice stilted in pain. “I thought—I planned for you to find us. Del said it would be bad, that we should talk to you, but I had this idea in my head….”
He’d had a fantasy.
“You thought I’d come in, find you, and join you.”
“Yes,” he gasped.
And I’d been annihilated because I’d loved them both more than anyone. Together they were all I needed—my great love and my best friend. They had been my whole life. They had been my home. They had been everything.
“I thought I knew you,” Novan said.
But he never had.
“I’m so sorry we didn’t tell you.” Novan sucked in his breath, reached across the table, and grabbed my hand tight. “And I’m sorry you found out like you did, but for fuck’s sake, Quade, haven’t we been punished enough?”
“What?” I was lost. “Punished?”
“People get second chances all the time.”
“I don’t understand.”
Del leaned forward. “You’re back, aren’t you? You’re home.”
“Oh,” I said, relieved that I’d caught up. “No. Only for a few days.”
“What?” Novan sounded breathless.
“I’m not staying—or I think I’m not, but even if I do, or am… this, us, all we’re going to do here is say good-bye.”
“Oh no.” My ex’s eyes filled with tears. “I’ve been waiting so long. We both have, for some word or… it’s not right. You need to give us another chance.”
“You’ve made a whole life, Novan. You and Del—it’s been close to twelve years; I know marriages that don’t last that long. You have each other. You don’t need anything else.”
“It was never supposed to be just us,” Novan insisted, repeating what he’d said earlier. “I would never—you were always supposed to be there too.”
“But I haven’t been, and I won’t be, so let’s eat and talk and then say good-bye the right way. It’s all water under the bridge.”
“You’re not getting it.” Del coughed. “We’ve been sort of living in limbo for eleven years, waiting to hear from you. You’re talking about walking away again; we’re talking about finally starting our lives with you in it. You can step right back into your life, Quade. We miss the hell out of you.”
“Everything is here to build on,” Novan stressed. “You need to give us another chance. Please, Quade… I know you love us both.”
“Quade––”
“I’d like to know something, if I can,” I said, leaning forward, having cut Del off. “I mean, I get Novan. I can see where he would have wanted us both now that I know he didn’t ever trust me to stick around.”
Novan caught his breath. “That’s not what I––”
“But you, Del, we were just friends. We were never any more. When did that change? When did you decide you wanted me like that?”
His gaze locked with mine. “When did I decide I wanted to be in bed with you?”
I nodded.
He chuckled. “I thought you knew. I thought you knew and didn’t say anything because you just wanted to be my friend, but you really had no clue, did you?”
I sat there and waited for him to go on.
“From the moment we met in boot camp, Quade, I wanted you. But you always treated me like a buddy, and I was afraid if I pushed it and made my feelings known that we wouldn’t have been anything. And then when you took the assignment out at Luke and moved here to Phoenix, I thought you were moving to be close to me.”
“I was.”
“Yeah, but not how I thought. I mean, I left town for my brother’s wedding and came back and you had hooked up with Novan.”
“Yeah, I remember.” I had been so happy to have a new man in my life and my old friend.
“I worked so hard to like Novan and not be jealous, but he saw it, he knew. When you were gone on that mission to Tel Aviv––you remember that?”
I did. Novan and I had been together six months at that point.
“I was so surprised when Novan called me for us to hang out, and even more so at how much I enjoyed his company.”
“So you seduced him or he seduced you?”
“It was mutual,” Novan chimed in. “I needed someone strong who could take care of me and be my base, and he––”
“Novan was as close to you as it seemed like I was ever going to get, and, of course, gorgeous, and he needed me,” Del husked, looking uncomfortable. “I thought––we both thought it was just a mistake but…but we fit, Quade.” He said the last at first looking at his drink before his eyes flicked up and met mine.
“I understand,” I said, because there was nothing else to say.
“When Novan said he knew that you loved me and he was certain your feelings would have been there for me if I’d just had the balls to tell you… I had to see if there was a chance. And Novan, he needed more than just you and––”
