I shrugged.

  He nodded slowly. “What did you do? Did you even go to school or—”

  “I went to school.”

  “I don’t mean high—”

  “I know what you mean.”

  “Where did you go to college?”

  “What is this? I feel like I’m at a job interview.” I chuckled. “I went to school. I have a job. What else you wanna know?”

  “I want to know how you go from being the invisible man to just one day showing up out of the blue. Where were you?”

  I had been practicing for eleven years, since I was seventeen, since she died, not to ever be taken off guard.

  “She wasn’t in a car accident, was she, Eli? Something happened, and afterwards, you disappeared.”

  I just looked at him because I was too old to be browbeaten.

  “Can you just trust me enough to tell me?”

  I squinted at him. “Nothing to hide, but even if there was… I don’t know you at all.”

  “Bullshit,” he said flatly, scowling. “I’m your brother. No matter how long it’s been, you know me. You know me.”

  We stood there like gunfighters on the street, neither of us moving, each studying the other.

  “Luke! Eli!”

  We both turned, and my father was gesturing for us. I started back over to him, and Lucas caught up with me.

  “I just missed you.”

  “Same here,” I told him, because it was true to some extent.

  “And nobody calls me Lucas anymore,” he said out of the blue.

  I stopped walking and squinted at him. Was he kidding?

  “What?” He was at a loss.

  My grin came, uncontrollable. “Do you remember how you were?”

  He had to think a minute, but suddenly he understood and remembered and his smile was huge. “Oh yeah.”

  “You would only respond to Lucas,” I reminded him. “If any of us called you Luke, you wouldn’t even turn around. You were such an ass about it.”

  “I was.”

  “I’ve been thinking of you as Luke-ass for thirteen years,” I said, enunciating the second syllable.

  “Great,” he chuckled, shaking his head, reaching for me as we walked side by side, fisting a hand in my hair. “You can call me Luke now, alright?”

  “Or keep Lucas as our thing.”

  He nodded. “Or that.”

  “Eli, I want you to eat,” my father said, scrutinizing me as I closed in on him. “You’re much too thin. Go inside, there’s a buffet spread out in the great room.”

  Chase was there to go with me, to show me where everything was.

  The food was good, and being with Chase was easy. He didn’t push, he just talked to me, catching me up on his life, explaining what being an attending was like and how he had chosen neurology as his specialty and about the girl he had just broken up with.

  I didn’t sit. I leaned against the wall. I hardly ever ate sitting down unless I was at a restaurant. He didn’t seem to notice, but Gillian did when she joined us.

  “Oh, Eli, why don’t you sit at the table?”

  “I’m fine. You have a beautiful home,” I offered to soothe her.

  “Thank you. I hope you’ll think of it as yours.”

  It would never be mine, but that was okay. She was trying.

  “So where were you before this?” she asked pleasantly.

  “Chicago.”

  “Well, this must be quite the change in weather.”

  “It’s nice,” I said, and tried to smile that time.

  “You know, you look so much like your mother, not that I ever met her, but I’ve seen lots of pictures.”

  I nodded.

  “Funny, I don’t see any of your father in you at all.”

  “My mother used to say when I scowled at her, she could see it… the evil.”

  “Evil?”

  “It’s what she called it, my father’s grin.” I waggled my eyebrows at her. “Wicked she used to say, and evil.”

  “Oh?”

  I gave her the smile, the one I shared with my father and my brothers.

  Her laugh was instant. “Okay, I take it back. I see him clearly. Your mother was right.”

  I arched an eyebrow for her and saw her eyes warm.

  “What’s funny?” my father asked as he stepped into the kitchen.

  “Just Eli, he’s very charming.”

  “’Course,” he said, smiling, draping an arm around my shoulders and Chase’s. “All my sons are charming.”

  She laughed at him, and I saw the affection between them, my father and my stepmother, before he reached out to touch my hair.

  “I know,” I sighed. “It’s way too long.”

  “I wasn’t thinking that,” he said, his fingers following a piece from my forehead all the way down to where it ended at my shoulders, in curls. “She had lighter blonde hair. Yours has more gold in it.”

  It was hard for him, me being there, and I felt bad about that.

  “You always had her coloring, golden hair, golden skin, and her big green eyes. I’ve never met anyone else with that color green, so light, so clear.”

  “Her eyes were a little darker than mine.”

  “Yes.”

  “Me being here….” I sighed. “It’s making you sad. I—”

  “Eli.” He growled, stopping me, hand on my forearm, squeezing gently. “I just want to talk to you. When you walked in here with Chase… I was so proud of myself for staying on my feet.” He took a breath. “I just want to talk to you. If you could just give me a little time, stay for as long as you can, I would be so very grateful.”

  “Sure.”

  “It was going to be an empty house after the party, but it looks like everyone is staying.”

  I studied his face before I put the plate down gently. “I have to be honest. I can talk to you and Lucas and Chase, but… nobody else.”

  He was processing.

  “Oh,” Gillian said softly, understanding, and I turned my head to her. She looked hurt, but I couldn’t help that.

  “I don’t know you.” I lowered my voice. “And I would love to tell you that I can just talk about my mother with you, but I don’t talk about her at all, to anyone, so… there’s just no way.”

  My father was quiet.

  “And maybe it’s not a big deal to—”

  “It’s a big deal.” He cut me off. “I want to hear every detail from when you drove away from me.” His voice was a rasp, halting, pained.

  “But I don’t want to cause a problem,” I told him. “Maybe talking about the past isn’t worth this.”

  “Excuse us a minute,” my father said, taking hold of Gillian’s hand and leading her away.

  I put my plate on the bar where the stack was and took a breath, understanding in that second that I wasn’t ready. I was nowhere near ready. Coming back had been a huge mistake.

  Me being there was causing Gillian pain. If I spoke to my father and my brothers, the truth about things would bring them grief and regret. What was the point? Everything was fine; everybody’s life was fine. Why open up old wounds? I could carry it—I’d been carrying it; no need to share the load.

  I sprinted through the house, reaching the bottom of the stairs fast, at the door to the bedroom seconds later. I was grabbing my duffle when I turned and Chase was there.

  “Hey,” he said calmly, leaning on the doorframe, bracing an arm across it, the whiteness of his knuckles giving him away. He was holding on tight. “Where are you going?”

  My heart was in my throat. I couldn’t have answered him if I wanted to.

  “Are you okay?”

  I shook my head, feeling stupid. I was twenty-eight years old, for Christ’s sake; I wasn’t a scared little kid anymore.

  “You know it’s okay, right? I mean, we wanna know what happened to her, to Mom, but mostly we all just want to see you and talk to you.” His smile was sudden and caught me off guard so that I couldn’t help but return it. “I mean, just seeing you is amazing.”

  My eyes searched his dark blue ones.

  “Don’t you feel the same?”

  I felt different because I was on guard, but still, it was good to see him.

  “Just take a breath, put that down”—he tipped his head at the duffle—“and breathe. We’ll sit outside where it’s quiet… Mom liked the quiet, and maybe so do you. Remember everyone was so big and loud all the time? You remember.”

  My father’s family was full of talkers, extroverts, people who you loved and hated at the same time, people with big voices and bigger personalities, all competing for the spotlight at gatherings, trying to outdo one another with the better, bigger, and funnier story. My mother preferred her solitude, and quiet, gentle communion to bells and whistles. She couldn’t compete at their decibel level, so she retreated. And my brother got that I was the same and was offering me a sanctuary in the middle of the storm.

  “C’mon.”

  I had agreed to be there, and running was out of the question, but still…. “I think I’m just gonna go for a drive or—”

  “No, don’t do that, stay here.”

  “I think I’ll be better if you just let me go for a little while.”

  “Please, Eli.”

  “I’ll come back,” I assured him, tipping my head so he would step away from the door. “I promise. I’m not running yet.”

  “Yet?”

  I flashed him a quick smile.

  “Could I come?”

  My brother had, in the space of time that I was gone, become the kind of man I could see myself being friends with. He was not combative like I remembered, instead he was thoughtful and grounded. “Okay.”

  “Okay.” He took a breath, and his smile was huge. “Good.”

  We slipped downstairs and into the pickup. My brother was looking at it like it was covered in gold or something.

  “It’s just an old Ford.”

  “It’s beautiful,” he said sincerely.

  I pointed at the glove compartment. “In there.”

  He reached in and pulled out my registration and proof of insurance, and then he froze as he found what I had sent him in there for. It was a picture of my mother, hair wild, laughing hard as she leaned on the pickup, which had been a horrible metallic brown at the time.

  “Nobody gets why I keep the truck.”

  “I get it. Luke does too.”

  And I knew they did.

  Chapter Four

  I felt better when we got back, and when we walked into the living room, Chase led me to the great room, now empty of all but a few people, and over to where my father and Gillian were gathered with a small group of their friends. When I was close enough, my father reached out and took hold of my shoulder, drawing me close to him.

  “Where did you go?”

  “Just for a drive.”

  He nodded. “I was worried.”

  “Don’t be.”

  He drew his cell phone from the breast pocket of his sports coat. “Give me your number, Eli.”

  I smiled, gave it to him, and was then introduced to his friends. It was nice that none of them had known my mother.

  After walking around, I went and sat outside by the pool. The huge space seemed even bigger now that it was devoid of people.

  It was Chase again who joined me, and when he realized I was being quiet, he kindly did all the talking, continuing our earlier conversation from where he had left off. He told me about doing his residency at the county hospital, about some of the craziness he saw on a daily basis, about the women in his life, and how much he used to hate Gillian. She was so different from our mother, so serious and unremarkable. When Lucas joined us, sitting close to me so our knees touched, I could tell he had something to ask.

  “What?”

  He looked at me. “Did she miss us, me and Chase?”

  There was a long silence as I thought of what to say. “Every day… both of you.” Lying was best under the circumstances, easier than telling him that my mother had loved her addiction more than anything, even her boys.

  He looked away, and we were both quiet. When his hand was suddenly on my arm, I turned to look at him.

  “What?”

  “Can we visit you?”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “I mean it’ll be Christmas in a week, can we come see you?”

  I turned to look at Chase and found him smiling at me before I returned my eyes to Lucas. “I don’t even know where I’ll be.”

  “Then why don’t you stay with me?”

  “Can I? Just mooch off you for a while?” I teased him.

  “Yeah, I don’t care.”

  “I care.”

  “You can stay with me too,” Chase chimed in.

  “I’m not stay—”

  “Okay, so then wherever you are, can we visit?”

  “Why?”

  “That’s a ridiculous question,” Chase scoffed.

  “It’s a really good question, actually.”

  “It’s stupid!” Lucas snapped at me. “Why would we want to see you? Oh, I don’t know. Maybe because we missed you.” He scowled at me. “And we don’t want you to disappear again.”

  I smiled at him and took a breath, ready to dive into the deep water. “I need to tell you—”

  “That you’re gay,” he finished for me.

  “You’re gay?” Chase, at least, was surprised.

  Lucas had me good and stunned. “Yeah. How did you know?”

  There was a deep chuckle from him. “You were fifteen when you left, Eli, and Tony Kramer was your best friend.”

  I cracked a grin.

  “Tony was my classmate,” Lucas smiled knowingly, “but he was your friend, not mine.”

  “Yep.”

  “I saw the way he looked at you,” he sighed, “and I always wondered, and then one day I watched when you shoved him up against the wall in the kitchen and—I didn’t know guys kissed like that.”

  “Well, he sure ran away fast,” I teased him.

  “After he hit you,” Lucas reminded me.

  I laughed, remembering the first and last time I had ever kissed the guy I had a crush on in high school. It had been the reason I had run away with my mother—I didn’t want to see Tony ever again, and I knew that after the summer, he was leaving for college. If I played my cards right, I would be gone for three months, and by the time I came back, he would be. No one would ever have to know I had been rebuffed.

  “You never told me you saw.”

  “I had no idea what to even say to you.” Lucas sighed.

  “Nobody told me anything,” Chase complained.

  I laughed at him and then looked back at my oldest brother. “So what, you figured that I grew up to be gay just because I laid one on Tony Kramer?”

  “You knew who you were when you were a sophomore in high school, E, so yeah, I figured that wasn’t gonna change.”

  “I did know.”

  He shrugged. “And for the record, Tony was here like the week after you left just sick that he couldn’t see you.”

  “He went off to college. I’m sure he got over it.”

  “I remember he was hurt when you weren’t here when he came home for Christmas break. He really wanted to see you.”

  “Yeah, well, I’m sure he’s happy now wherever he is.”

  “He’s married with kids. I think he lives in San Diego or something. He comes home for Christmas. How weird would that be if you saw him again?”

  “I won’t be here for Christmas.”

  “Why not?”

  I leveled my gaze at my brother. “I just won’t be.”

  He nodded.

  “Okay, so.” I exhaled. “You don’t give a shit that I’m gay.”

  “Nope.”

  I smiled at him.

  “Me either.” Chase grinned at me. “For the record.”

  “So can we visit or what?” Lucas pressed.

  “You still want to?”

  “I asked to, didn’t I?”

  “Yeah, but are you gonna be comfortable visiting me if I’m sleeping with some guy?”

  “Are you gonna make me watch?”

  “What? No—fuck no.”

  “Well then, why would we give a shit what you’re doing in your bed?”

  It was nice that he couldn’t have cared less.

  He took a breath. “So whatever. Can I visit? Can Chase?”

  “Wherever I am, you can both visit.”

  We were quiet, all of us lost in our thoughts.

  “So.” Chase cleared his throat after several minutes of silence. “Do you have a boyfriend?”

  “What?” Already he was prying?

  “What?” He was confused by my question.

  “Is that any of your business?”

  “Yeah,” he answered flatly, smiling at me. “I think so.”

  I made a noise, a disgusted one.

  “Shouldn’t you have a boyfriend? I mean, Luke doesn’t have a girlfriend; he just screws everything in sight. Is that how you are too?”

  “Oh fuck you! Compared to you, Chase, I’m a damn choir boy!” Lucas barked at him.

  I had not been that guy in almost two years. “No, not lately.”

  “Then there’s somebody special?”

  “Kind of,” I waffled, getting irritated.

  “So you do have a boyfriend.”

  “I… it’s complicated.”

  “It’s not complicated, you either do or you don’t.”

  “Fine,” I snapped at him. “I think you missed your calling. You’d make a really good lawyer too.”

  “What’s your boyfriend’s name?” he persisted.

  “Craig,” I answered before I even thought about it.

  “What does he do?”

  “Seriously?”

  “Yeah, what?”

  “He owns his own company,” I growled at him.

  “What kind of company?”

  “Just—”

  “What’s the name of it?”

  “Rover.”

  There was a long silence before he turned slowly to me, visibly stunned.

  “Christ,” I muttered under my breath.

  “Are you shitting me?”

  I rolled my eyes.

  “Rover Software?” Lucas was back in it now as well. “Seriously?”

  “Never mind.”

  “Your boyfriend owns Rover Software?” Chase was clarifying.

  What was I supposed to say?

 

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