Roxanne, p.29
Roxanne., page 29
“OLVG, East side,” she informs me, her tone a mix of weary and anxious. “Well, I’ve got to go, I’ll call you later.”
“Sure, bye.” Once we hang up, I can’t help but ruminate about what just happened.
The odd thing is I know she’s barely spoken to her mom in years. It's her sister who normally takes care of her, not Roxanne. I find it a bit strange that she’s suddenly rushing to the bedside like a dutiful child. Could it simply be a way to break our plans tonight? No, she wouldn’t be the type of woman to lie about something as important as her mother being sick.
Once we finish the call, I feel an urge to head to the hospital and be there for her, instead of staying alone at home, ruminating about it. Maybe going there and showing I care is the right thing to do. Part of me wants to swoop in and take care of Roxanne like no other man ever has.
“Trouble in paradise?” Elise asks with a smirk on her face. She knows the pressure I feel to make sure everything is good with Roxanne almost hangs in the air around me. But given the fact she knows my girlfriend, I decide to tell her the truth.
“Her mother’s in the hospital. I think it’s better I go.”
She grins and pats her horse again.
“Andries to the rescue!” Her peal of laughter annoys me but something else burns the feeling away: the desire to be there for my girlfriend. I know she didn’t invite me, but maybe she didn’t because she thought I wouldn’t care enough about it. I quickly jump in the car as it’s a bit of a hike to get to the hospital. I’ve always hated these places. They’re sterile, smell like death and the sense is always that people are sick everywhere.
I’d much rather take advantage of the private clinics I have access to, but I know Roxanne probably won’t take advantage of one even if I offer. And I’ve never met her mother. It’s a curious thing, but with my family I can understand it.
Arriving at the hospital, I pick up some flowers quickly in the gift shop. Always find an opportunity to make a good first impression. They aren’t the ones I’d usually choose but there’s no time to head to my usual flower shop. And since we are in Amsterdam, tulips are plentiful everywhere.
“I’m looking for Mrs. Feng’s room?” I inquire at the front desk, and I’m directed to the third floor where there are admissions. The place isn’t crowded as I walk around the halls, just the typical bustle of a hospital with workers in scrubs and the room is easy to find.
Roxanne is standing outside, and I immediately draw her into my arms. She seems slightly upset at first but then relieved to see me there. “I came right away. Is your mother okay?” Her affect is slightly different. Gone is the confident woman and it is as if she’s been replaced with somebody else.
“She’s okay. Already in surgery. Her back finally gave out and she was in a lot of pain. They took her nearly two hours ago. No word yet.” Her head rests on my shoulder and I can tell she’s comforted by me being there.
A younger woman who looks similar in facial features to Roxanne walks out of the hospital room. Unlike her sister, Lili has got long black hair flowing down her shoulders and is dressed quite demurely. She looks at me with confusion, as if she isn't recognizing me. Roxanne steps back and glances over. “Lili, you remember Andries from the store?”
Lili’s eyes head to mine and I can see her probing a bit. She’s beautiful like her sister but with high sweeping cheekbones, dark circles under her almond eyes, and a more tired hue. If I didn't know Roxanne was the oldest, I’d have thought Lili was the one in her mid-thirties. I offer my hand and she finally takes it. “It’s great to see you again,” I say, despite our first meeting was fleeting at the bookstore. The two women are such a dichotomy even though I know they are in the same family. Classic and elegant versus practical and urban.
It's awkward standing there with the two sisters. Lili and Roxanne don’t seem to know what to say to each other, and I’m standing in the middle feeling like a third wheel. The sounds of the hospital are all around us, people in scrubs marching to and from and announcements over the speakers constantly.
My timing is perfect. A stretcher appears down the hall and given the way both women’s heads turn I know it’s their mother coming down the narrow lane. Roxanne looks relieved.
The stretcher is wheeled into the room and both women follow with me trailing behind. Now I firmly feel like an interloper and know that I should probably go. The funny part is the two women still haven’t really acknowledged each other with words. They both take up residence on either side of the bed and look down. Their mother is round faced, short salt and pepper gray hair, and pale with her hospital gown covering what looks like a frail body.
Her eyes are open though, which might be a good sign. She turns her head and looks at both girls, but I notice that her hand only reaches out for Lili. Roxanne approaches the bed and instead of being offered, takes her other hand and squeezes it. “Mom, I’m glad you are awake. How are you feeling?”
Her eyes turn to me, and Roxanne lowers her head. “This is my friend Andries. Mom, Andries. Andries, Mom.” I nod my head at her and she turns away immediately back to Lili.
Behind us a doctor with what must be an intern sweeps in and starts talking in a boisterous voice. “Surgery was a success! We managed to clean things up and she should be in a lot less pain now.”
Roxanne looks at the doctor. “What about recovery? And will she be able to move around?”
“In a bit. She’ll need at least a week here for recovery and then lots of physiotherapy, but I think she’s in pretty good shape. In a few months she’ll feel like a new woman.” He glances around the room as if he can sense the tension. Doctors are probably used to that type of thing. Both women nod and Roxanne’s mother closes her eyes. “But she also needs rest. She’s going to be knocked out for a day or so.”
I can tell that’s a hint for me to leave. I take Roxanne’s hand and squeeze it, noticing that Lili’s eyes stray over to me touching her sister affectionately. “We'll talk tomorrow,” I say in a low voice before pressing my lips on her forehead.
“Thank you for coming,” she answers, matching my low voice. “I really appreciate it.”
Despite being there for just half an hour, I’m glad it made a difference for her.
On my way home my phone pings with a text. All okay with Roxanne?
At least my sister seems to be keeping her nose into things. If she didn’t, no one in my family would ever know anything about me, so I allow her to keep everyone informed. All good. Out of surgery and recovering. I’ll be heading back there tomorrow.
28
Amsterdam, October 28, 2021
Andries
I hadn’t spoken to Roxanne the following day, so after class I decide to head back to the hospital and surprise her. Assuming she will be there, of course. But even if she’s not, at least maybe I can ingratiate myself to her mother. I want to get to know her family as best I can, even her sister.
Walking in I can see an older woman lying in the bed and when I knock on the door she turns to see me. “Mrs. Feng?”
She nods slowly, looking suspicious. “I’m a friend of Roxanne’s. She told me you were here, and I thought she would be as well.” Her expression suddenly turns stern but then relaxes when I offer her the flowers. It’s the least I can offer to the mother of the woman I’m so in love with.
“They are beautiful. Thank you.” She pauses, observing them attentively. “When in April the sweet showers fall and pierce the drought of March to the root, and all the veins are bathed in liquor of such power as brings about the engendering of the flower.”
I’m taken aback. “You’re a fan of Chaucer?” I know she used to work at a bookstore, but I didn’t expect the mother of my girlfriend to be so fluent in poetry.
She smiles. “I’ve worked at that bookstore for twenty-five years, myself. I’m Yao Feng, by the way.” It’s a genuine smile, and quickly I can tell that the fact I nailed the author of her quote has disarmed her.
“The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, then. My name is Andries, and I met your daughter at the bookstore.” Well, not really, but we met there twice.
Her eyes narrow. “At the bookstore?”
I nod and she turns her head. It is strange that as soon as I mention her daughter and the store she clams up immediately.
“I’m a big fan of poetry. In fact, I’m an amateur poet. Even wrote something for your daughter.”
She sighs and then turns back to me, nodding. “I appreciate a man who knows what good literature is.” She is silent for a few moments and then offers more, “I used to teach literature, actually.”
My eyes widen in surprise at her revelation. It’s obvious that the whole family is into literature.
“Your daughter is incredibly knowledgeable. I can see where she gets it.”
Her eyes turn to me, and she frowns. “You mean Lili, right? She’s a wonderful girl, you two will get along quite well, I think.”
I am taken aback slightly. “No, um, I mean Roxanne.”
“Ah.” She pauses, disappointment settling on her face. “Yes, I can see that you like her. But you should get to know Lili as well. Do you think she’s attractive?”
Now it feels quite awkward. Like the mother knows I’m dating her oldest daughter but wants to set me up with the other one. What am I supposed to say? “She’s very nice.”
Trying to distract her I mention a couple of my favorite poets and she opens up quite a bit once I get her going.
After a few more minutes I can tell she’s starting to grimace from being turned toward me. Suddenly a voice arrives that is familiar and almost scares me. “Mother, you should be resting.”
I turn to see Roxanne with a stern expression on her face. I can’t tell if it’s anger at me or her mother. Or both. As she approaches the bed her mother turns her head, and her mouth closes firmly.
There is something odd about the dynamic between the two of them. I just can’t quite put my finger on it, but I also want her to know how I feel. It’s time to just open up and reveal it. After all, the situation with her mother can’t be easy for her to be dealing with especially when there is strain between the two of them.
When I was alone with her, Yao was open and friendly and actually a joy to talk to, but as soon as Roxanne entered, she clammed up. Why?
I share a glance to the door with Roxanne, and she gets the cue. We both walk out of the room and go further down the hallway to speak more privately.
“Has your mother spoken to you since yesterday?” I decide to ask when we are finally left alone.
Her eyes fall. “No. It seems like no matter what I do she just doesn’t want to deal with me. She hates me. I’m a disappointment.”
This incredible cultured woman who’s so educated is a disappointment? It just can’t be possible. Something else had to be behind it, but that wasn’t for me to probe into. I just want Roxanne to know that she has my support. “You are an amazing daughter, no matter what your mom says.”
Her eyes meet mine and I can see she’s grateful but still guarded. “I wish she could think the same.”
I know I have to go and meet Dan for our scheduled outing, but part of me doesn’t want to leave her right now. Not when she needs me. “I’m here for you, okay? If you need anything just call me. I’m just going to meet with Dan and can come back later if you want.” I reach for her hand, and she allows me to take hers. In her eyes there is gratitude and when I pull her close and hug her, she doesn’t resist. It feels good to know I can comfort her when she needs it.
“How come you care so much about me?” She looks into my eyes when we step back, and I know that I need to tell her. After all, why would I keep it hidden from her? She’s the most remarkable woman I’ve ever met, and getting to know her mother just reinforces the fact that there’s nobody else I want to be with. But the words I say next surprise even me, as natural as they sound being said to this incredible woman.
“Because I love you.” At that her eyes go wide and her face floods with emotion. I’ve shown her many times how I feel but now just saying the words it feels like a massive weight is lifting from my shoulders. She knows it, and that’s important to me. It isn’t something I say lightly.
Instead of a response I see tears welling up and then she leans in and kisses me. It’s a kiss with almost desperate overtones and I do my best to return it, trying to show her with my lips and my arms around her how much she means to me. Her body seems to melt into mine as her lips seek and search to seal the gap between us. It’s not sexual at all, even though her frame against mine makes my libido stir. It’s telling both of us that what is happening between us is more than just a fleeting encounter. I want more, and now she knows it. I want her. All of her. Flaws and everything she has to give.
Once the kiss breaks, I know she’s conflicted, and I need to make sure she knows I don’t expect anything in return. “Don’t feel pressured to say it too. I just wanted you to know what I truly feel for you.”
I see her eyes drop. The gesture would normally be seen as meekness, but I know with her it is simple gratitude. “Thank you so much for understanding.”
“Of course, just say it whenever you are ready.” I try to let her know with every fiber of my voice that I truly mean what I’m saying. Taking her hands, I bring them up to my lips and kiss them. My phone starts vibrating and I know it's Dan wondering where I am. I have to leave even though we are having a perfect moment.
“You are the most amazing man I've ever met, you know that, right?” Her voice is almost breaking, but she sounds honest and genuine.
I feel my heart warming at the compliment, and I know that continuing to explore her deeper being is a process I crave. I kiss her on the forehead gently and finally step away. Her hands linger on mine before they break apart.
Walking down the hospital hall, I see her walk back into her mother’s room and feel confident that she knows where I stand. The fact that she keeps her family a priority even though her mom treats her so badly, is quite admirable to me. I'm not sure if I'd do the same if my parents treated me that way. This woman is one of the most remarkable people I’ve ever known.
29
Roxanne
I take a deep breath before walking back into the room with Mama. Part of me is praying that my sister shows up soon. I don’t want to deal with the discussion that we are bound to have… Or the lack thereof. She’s excellent at making me feel guilt even without saying anything at all. And after what Andries just revealed my emotions are all over the place.
But Andries is gone and I’m alone again with a woman who won’t even talk to me. Granted, it’s the first time we are alone in a room without Lili being around. And I just had the man I’m dating tell me he loves me. Jeez! A man who has no idea who I really am and thinks I’m somebody else.
My mind is still racing as I get into the room, plus there’s nobody else here and I know Mama isn’t going to talk to me. She’s been ashamed of me since I can remember. It’s impossible for her to understand why I did what I had to do. Especially with my sister as the good dutiful daughter who works at a more dignifying job.
To my surprise, she looks over with her mouth tightly pressed and actually speaks. “That man deserves so much better.”
The words bring a flash of anger. It’s the first words she’s spoken to me in over a decade. “You talk to me now?”
“Does he know who you are?” she spits out the last words like they are something evil. Insinuation flows from her tongue. I’m a whore in her mind. Like a common girl standing on a street corner back home where men pay ten dollars for whatever they want, and I just open my legs like a flower for anything. She has no idea how much money I’ve made and the type of men I’ve been with. All she can see is that Andries is from a good family and somehow I don’t deserve that.
“I can't believe it, after ignoring me like I'm dead for over a decade, the first thing you say to me is that my boyfriend deserves better?”
“You’re gonna end up breaking his heart, and that’s hurting me. He’s a good man. So yes, I have no choice but to speak to you because what you are doing is wrong.” Her judgement comes from a place I know well. After all, she’s been judgmental her whole life. Part of that is due to the way she was abandoned with me and my sister and had to make it on her own with two children in a foreign country. The irony is she doesn’t realize that the very thing she’s condemning me for is exactly what’s kept me financially well off and prevented me from descending into something worse.
“Wrong? What’s that supposed to mean?” I ask her.
“You’re leading that poor boy on. How old is he? Twenty-two, twenty-three? Does he even know how old you are? If he expects having a family with you, the poor boy will be deeply disappointed.”
“He doesn’t care,” I retort, my eyes flashing. “Yes, Andries is young but he’s an old soul and we get along just fine.”
“Does he know you have sex with men for money, though? I’m pretty sure he will care about it.”
I take a deep breath, and trying to tame my anger, I say, “I’m no longer an escort, Mama. I have stopped doing it.”
Her eyes go wide but I can still see the suspicion in her gaze as she looks at my face. She’s suspicious of everyone and everything, probably even the nurses coming into her room to administer medication for her back.
“Pah. You need to tell him about your past to have any hope of a future, but you can’t even bring yourself to be honest with the boy. And your brothel? Does he know about it?” The tinges of venom in her voice are tangible in the air, almost as if she’s spitting in my face.
“It's an agency,” I point out.
“Call it whatever you want. To me, a place where you sell sex is a brothel.”
