Forget me not, p.11
Forget Me Not, page 11
she didn’t care for, either.
“I know what you’re doing, Jess,” Kim said in a matter-of-fact manner.
“If you think she’ll come back to you, you’re mistaken.”
“Why would I think that?” Jess asked. “Amber made her decision when
she left here years ago. I’m fine with that.”
“Then why are you here?”
“Because I’m doing my bit for the community.” Jess held the bags up.
“So if you could take your head out of your arse and see that this isn’t all
about you, I can hand over the stuff I have and leave you to enjoy the rest of
your night.”
“She doesn’t need your charity. She has me.” Kim shook her head.
“Don’t come here with leftovers, insulting me.”
“You really think I give a shit about you?” Jess’ eyebrow rose. “I know
you think you have it all, Kim, but you have one shitty personality. I don’t
know what the hell she sees in you.”
“Everything she never saw in you.” Kim backed up to the door. “I’ll get
her this time, but don’t do this again. I’m watching you carefully.”
Jess chose to ignore Kim’s comment, just about done with the woman
standing in front of her.
“And if you think your sob story about your grandad will work with her,
bring you closer together, you’re wrong.” Kim smiled fully. “Good one, but
desperate.”
Jess’ mouth fell open as Kim turned around and walked inside Amber’s
home. How could anyone be so cruel? How could another woman suggest
something like that? Jess was dumbfounded, she truly was.
“Jess, hi.” Amber appeared, alone. “What’s wrong?”
“What?” Jess snapped out of her shock.
“What’s wrong?”
“N-Nothing.” She controlled the tears she could feel forming in her eyes.
“This is from Mavis. Sorry if it’s not what you want, but I was just asked to
drop it off to you.”
“What is it?” Amber peered into one of the bags as Jess handed them
over.
“Three roast dinners. For you, your mum, and Jenny. Pudding, too.”
“She’s still as sweet as ever.” Amber’s smile grew wider, an appreciation
for Mavis’ thoughtfulness apparent.
“Yeah, bye.” Jess turned around.
“Wait!” Amber called out. “What’s the rush?”
“I have to get home.” Jess didn’t look back. If she did, Amber would see
the tears. There was more chance of hell freezing over before she would
break down on someone’s driveway. She simply wouldn’t allow it.
***
Jess curled up on the couch, her home in complete darkness. Since she’d
arrived home an hour ago, her phone had continued to ring. She didn’t
know who it was and she didn’t care. She’d checked in with Mavis to tell
her she was home safe, so she didn’t have to worry about that. For now, the
darkness was what she needed. Unable to comprehend what happened back
at Amber’s, Jess was struggling to remain composed. One of two things
could happen: she would break down uncontrollably, or she would lash out.
As she laid here, she wasn’t sure which way her night would go. As she
contemplated, her stomach churned as Kim’s words played over in her
mind.
Jess closed her eyes, tears slipping down her face.
“Jess?” Her grandad’s end-of-life nurse stepped into the kitchen. “Are
you okay?”
“Just making a cuppa.” Jess glanced over her shoulder. “Can I get you
one?”
“No, thank you.” Ronnie smiled, dressed in her navy-blue pants and
tunic. “I can finish that for you.”
“Oh, it’s okay.” Jess waved off the offer. “It’s almost done.”
“Jess, love.” Ronnie’s voice was soft, comforting. “I think you should
be with your grandad.”
Her grandad had been unconscious for two days and Jess understood
that he wouldn’t wake again. She’d prepared herself two weeks ago when
he’d deteriorated but she’d only just left him. What was the big deal? She
would be thirty seconds.
“Does anyone else want one?” Jess queried. “If I’m making one, I can
make more.”
“Jess.” Ronnie’s hand settled on Jess’ shoulder. “Leave the coffee,
love.”
“Ronnie…”
“Go on, I’ll finish in here.”
Jess furrowed her brow, dropping the teaspoon in her hand into her
cup. She nodded and walked away, entering the back living room where
her grandad lay in a hospital bed. She’d promised him a long time ago
that he could come home when his time came to leave this earth and
she’d stood by that. He didn’t want to take his last breath in a hospital
and neither did Jess. She wanted him to be comfortable in familiar
surroundings. Jess glanced around the room to find her grandad’s other
nurse standing in the corner of the room with a solemn look on her face,
and her heart sank. Mavis was nowhere in sight and something felt off.
Something… was changing.
“Ronnie…” Jess turned back to the nurse.
“It won’t be long now, love.”
Jess cleared her throat, squared her shoulders and moved further into
the room. Once she’d sat down in her usual chair next to his bed, the
nurse who had been standing in the corner slipped out, leaving her alone
with him. He knew how much she loved him, that had never been a secret,
but over the last few days, Jess felt like she couldn’t tell him enough.
“Just one more time,” she would tell herself. “Tell him just one more
time.”
Jess lifted her grandad’s hand, pressing a kiss to his soft skin. “Hey,
Grandad.” She smiled as she pressed it against the side of her face. “The
nurse says you’re comfortable and that you’re really sleepy now.” Her
eyes closed as she listened to his shallow, laboured breathing. “We’ve had
fun, haven’t we?” Jess smiled, remembering the life she’d shared with the
man who was about to leave her alone for the rest of it. “Great times over
the years.”
Silence.
Complete silence.
His pulse continued to slow, each breath now few and far between.
“You know, if you want to go, it’s okay… you can.” She squeezed his
hand tight. “I’ll be okay. I’ll look after the shop and the house. You
just look after yourself wherever you’re going.”
She memorised her grandad’s features as he lay in front of her. His lips
slightly parted. His comb-over perfectly in place like it always was. His
check pyjamas wrapped around his body, keeping him warm. While she
never wanted to see him take his last breath, Jess didn’t want him to
continue like this. She wanted him to go… peacefully.
“If you’re hanging ‘round for the score, I can tell you that you’ll
probably get beat.” Jess chuckled to herself, still holding her grandad’s
hand against her cheek. “Hey, I love you.” Jess rested her head on the
rail of his bed, sighing and closing her eyes, their hands still entwined. “I
love you so much, but it’s time to go now.”
She could feel him slipping away with each breath he took. Ten seconds
between a breath, then twenty, followed by thirty, before too long. Jess
remained still, not wanting this moment to end. She knew that when she
lifted her head, this would all be over. She knew that her grandad had
gone. She couldn’t hear him breathing anymore. The silence they’d
shared moments ago was now more definite. The silence… unmistakable.
His death… just death.
Jess endured the stillness. Her head next to his, his hand in her own.
Nothing would ever be the same again. Nothing would ever feel so good.
Jess sobbed into the cushion she was holding, knowing exactly how real
and genuine her story was. Kim didn’t know her, she would never have the
chance to, but still, Jess felt a pang of hurt hit her straight in the heart when
she thought about their conversation. Why did this woman affect her so
much? Why was Kim so intent on cruelty through her words? Could Amber
truly love this woman for who she was, given her attitude and
maliciousness towards anyone she saw as beneath her? Jess rolled onto her
back, staring into the darkness. Life had been harder for her over the last six
weeks or so, but this, tonight… was a lot worse.
A banging on the door shot Jess’ body upright on the couch. Whoever
had been calling her was likely to be the one knocking on her door at nine-
thirty in the evening, but she couldn’t answer looking how she knew she
did. A mess. Broken. Hurt.
The knocking persisted, so Jess climbed to her feet and wiped the tears
from her face.
She crossed the short distance to the hallway and opened the door.
“Amber?”
“What the hell am I doing?” Amber’s deep green eyes never lost Jess’
gaze.
“I don’t understand…”
“I love you, Jess,” she said, the words holding a finality in them. “I love
you and I always have.”
Eleven
Jess stared, her face still wet with tears from moments ago. Amber was
here, saying everything she needed to hear, so why was she frozen where
she stood? Why couldn’t she reach out and touch Amber, taking her in her
arms? She felt stuck. Every fibre in her being was screaming at her to make
a move, except she couldn’t. Her hearing felt off, impaired. Her mouth was
dry and unwilling to cooperate with her brain. Jess stared, shocked to find
Amber standing on her doorstep.
“You shouldn’t be here,” Jess’ mouth moved, uttering words she didn’t
wish to say.
“I should,” Amber countered. “I should have always been here.”
“We’re not doing this.” Jess’ emotions crept back into play, tears slipping
from her eyes and sliding down her face. Free-falling.
“I know I’ve hurt you and I know you probably think I’m out of my
mind, but I’m serious, Jess. I’m so serious.”
“Y-You.” Jess held her face in her hands. “I-I, you…”
“Can I come inside?” Amber stepped closer, her hands wrapping around
Jess’ wrists, exposing her face. “Please?”
“She’s going to hit the roof.”
“Kim?” Amber asked. “Kim is none of our concern.”
“Your fiancée is very much your concern, Amber.” Jess stumbled, almost
losing her footing and falling back against the stairs.
“I’ve just stood her up.” Amber stepped inside the hallway and closed the
door, peering down at Jess as she took a seat on the stairs. “But that doesn’t
matter right now…”
“Stood her up?” Jess scoffed. “I think you’ve forgotten that I was there a
couple of hours ago.”
“I can explain, but I need you to get up and come inside with me.”
“Why are you here?” Jess finally realised what was happening. That
Amber was actually inside her home and holding her hand out, waiting for
Jess to take it. She gazed up to see Amber staring down at her, a soft, warm
smile on her face, her freckles seemingly more distinct this evening. “Why
are you looking at me like that?”
“Because I’ve made a huge mistake and I love you.”
“You don’t love me.” Jess dropped her gaze, focusing on her hands in her
lap. “You’re marrying another woman, so please don’t come here and tell
me you love me.”
“It’s over,” Amber said, her tone leaving no option to think twice.
“How can it be over?” Jess slowly lifted her head, terrified of the
possibility that this was all a dream. “S-She asked you to marry her; it can’t
be over.”
“It can and it is.”
Amber leaned down, taking Jess’ hand in her own and pulled her up to
her feet. Jess watched on, her life playing over in front of her as Amber
brought her other hand up to her face and caressed her cheek. Those soft
hands that once held her own. Silky and so beautiful.
“I can’t do this with her, but I can’t do it without you.”
“Do what?” Jess frowned.
“This. Life.” Amber’s hand remained, sitting perfectly against Jess’ skin.
“If you knew how many times I wanted to come back…how many times I
wanted to call you.”
“But you didn’t.”
“And I’ll be forever sorry about that.”
“Why?” Jess questioned the woman standing painfully close to her. “Why
didn’t you come back?”
“Fear.” Amber sighed. “The thought of seeing you happy with someone
else…”
“I needed you…”
“And I’ve always needed you, Jess.” Amber smiled faintly. “Come on.”
She tugged Jess’ hand, pulling her into the living room.
“Where is she?” Jess asked as she took a seat on the edge of the couch.
“What happened?”
“Well, I’m hoping she’s on her way back to London.” Amber shrugged,
her lack of care evident. “When you left, she accused me. Said I’d been
with you whenever she was away.”
“Usually the accuser is the one doing the dirty…”
“I don’t care what she’s doing.” Amber sat in front of Jess on the edge of
the oak coffee table. “I really couldn’t care any less.”
“You said you’d stood her up.”
“After she’d finished ranting at me, she said she was finding a hotel for
the night in the city. She did that last night, too,” Amber said, an element of
hurt in her voice. “Mum has been waking in the night. Wandering. She kept
Kim awake a few nights ago which she wasn’t happy about.”
“She’s no good for you, Amber.” Jess shook her head. While she
understood that Amber was here and willing to make a go of things, she
wasn’t sure it was true. How could it be? “You deserve better.”
“I had better.” Amber squeezed Jess’ hand. “Before I left for London, I
had so much better than her.”
“You made the decision to leave.”
“I did,” Amber agreed. “And in some way, I’m glad I did.”
“I never hated you for leaving.” Deep brown eyes landed on Amber,
honesty shining from them. “I never once hated you for your decision. I
understood. You couldn’t be happy here.”
“I wish I’d called you.” Amber’s voice broke. “I know it wouldn’t have
made much difference, but I wish we’d kept in touch.”
“Me too.” Jess smiled. “I could have lived with your friendship. I still
can.”
“I don’t want your friendship, Jess,” Amber stated, leaning forward and
placing her elbows on her knees. She brought Jess’ hand up to her mouth,
pressing her lips hard against her skin. “I want you.”
“Why?” Jess’ voice broke, her bottom lip quivering. “Why do you want
me when you’ve had her?”
“You’re so much more than her.” Amber gripped Jess’ jaw gently. “God,
I don’t even have any words to describe how I feel about you.”
What the hell is going on?
Jess fell into silence, her eyes red and puffy. She knew she looked a mess,
but this was how Amber was supposed to see her. Hurting and close to
breaking down. This was the only woman Jess would ever allow to see her
this way. That’s how she knew Amber was meant to be with her. Amber
saw past the tears and the pain. She saw through the strong exterior Jess
often had. Those walls, they evaporated when Amber looked at her the way
she was right now.
Oh, God…
Tears fell hard and fast from Jess’ eyes, causing her to question whether
they would ever stop. Amber moved closer, her warm breath washing over
Jess’ face as her skin tingled, desperate to taste the woman she’d missed for
so long. Neither woman pulled away, neither ever wanting to. Amber
cocked her head ever so slightly, her lips parting as they found Jess’. It was
in that moment that Jess gripped Amber’s coat, pulling her impossibly close
and deepening their kiss. Every emotion inside her exploded, the taste of
salty tears noticeable on her lips.
As she pulled back, her lungs begging for air, she noticed that they
weren’t her tears. They were Amber’s. “I’ve missed you so much,” Jess
whispered, her forehead resting against Amber’s.
“I never want to be without you again.”
***
Silence.
Darkness.
Soft arms wrapped around her body.
Jess woke to find Amber behind her, holding her as though she would
disappear at any given moment. She remained still, taking in the sound of
the soft breathing behind her, that slight snore present that she’d fallen in
