The wisdom of the willow, p.1
The Wisdom of the Willow, page 1
Copyright © 2024 Nancy Chadwick
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For those who seek conversation while meandering through the woods under the canopies of any forest, or when sitting in stillness beneath the limbs of any single tree
TABLE OF CONTENTS
Prologue, 1998
PART I
October
PART II
May
June
July
August
September
PART III
Labor Day
PART IV
October
“The green reed which bends in the wind is stronger than the mighty oak which breaks in a storm”
—THE OAK AND THE REED, AESOP’S FABLES
1998
Prologue
For the past thirty-five years, I’ve sat mornings here at this old wooden kitchen table. I run my hands over its dings and stains while gazing through the glass doors to the back porch where the life of each Dowling has opened. The yard’s depth pulls me to it, whether during a sobering rain or a joyful sun, unconfined with no property line. If I sit quietly in my favorite chair, a yard-sale find from over thirty years ago that rounds one end of the rectangular porch, I can hear conversations blossoming as I recall the stories we’ve shared over the years. On the other end of the porch, facing me, is the squeaky glider with well-worn indented cushions that fills quickly with the squiggly young bodies of four girls. Not one could ever have it to herself. Each fought for space, but in the end, they snuggled in there tight while swinging into a comfortable rhythm together. Dowling history unfolded there, where we breathed air into our family’s lungs and learned a thing or two about ourselves along the way.
This is my story of family and home, of sharing memories as a mother to Debra, Rose, Linney, and Charlotte, and as a wife to Joe. If it weren’t for them, I wouldn’t be sitting here looking out at a backyard defined by a wooden fence, yet undefined by where life would take us. Every spring, Joe and I would pack each corner and curved space with lilacs and hydrangea, dogwoods and boxwoods. We worked the earth on hands and knees in the flower beds, then filled empty dirt spaces with lavender and roses and anything else fragrant I could think of to adorn our surroundings with colorful finery. We created open invitations to butterflies and bees and finches and hummingbirds to feast on the blooms, and I listened to the girls’ unceasing laughter as they chased chipmunks and squirrels and butterflies. Throughout the summer days, Joe wrapped me in smiles while he tinkered in the garage with a saw and hammer. He sifted through an old Folgers coffee can of nails and a wheelbarrow full of scrap wood to create a clever reinforcement for the sagging fence or to strengthen a weakened picnic table leg while listening to Lou Boudreau call the Chicago Cubs games on WGN radio. Joe had his space and so did I, and I think the girls did, too. Though separate in worlds that made us content, we shared a home that made us content together.
I remember when Joe and I first moved into this house, and I was pregnant with Debra. Joe didn’t waste any time planting a tree, as if he felt it an obligation, soon after we settled, and the last piece of furniture was in place. He explained his thinking while we were seated on the glider one spring morning, looking out onto our sparsely landscaped yard: “Ya know, Margaret, we need to plant a tree,” he said, slapping a hand on my knee as if he had the answer in final Jeopardy.
“Just a tree?” I sighed. I hoped my expectations of decorating a yard in colorful flowers and plump shrubs weren’t dashed.
“Margaret, they’re not ‘just’ trees.” Joe’s caterpillar brows sprung as he turned to me, adjusting his Cubs baseball cap on a bushy head of chocolate brown hair. “Did you know that they’re connected? Nutrients flow up from the roots and back down, communicating from one tree to another through their systems in the ground. And the one we will plant will not be an exception. It will be strong and stable and stand firm, and its branches will be flexible and bend without breaking.” Joe gave our nearly empty back lot a hard stare, as if envisioning our new tree in its fullness. “Think of it as a safe place to be; a place to feel belonging, to learn from; a place to nurture us as it grows, like we will do with our family.” His eyes grew tight in concentration. “And I think I have just the right tree in mind.”
The next morning, when I went to grab the morning newspaper from the front stoop, Joe was easing the station wagon out from the garage. “See ya in a bit. I won’t be long,” he yelled, waving an extended arm through an open window. I couldn’t be certain where he was headed, but I had a pretty good idea after yesterday’s chat. And sure enough, while I was at the kitchen sink rinsing breakfast dishes, I looked out the window to see Joe dragging a burlap-wrapped root ball, young branches bouncing all over and hitting him in the head. I scurried to the other side of the counter with the dish towel still in hand, past the kitchen table and through the sliding doors to the backyard, to Joe and to our new tree. He ambled in circles, making soft imprints with his work boots in the grass, then looked up to find the sun hazy in the southwest sky. He wanted to pick the most open spot in the yard, where the rains collect in a bowl. “It’ll have room here to grow, and we’ll be comfortable sitting under it. Like home,” he said.
I stepped aside to give Joe space to work as he stuck the young, wispy willow into the big hole in the ground and filled it with dirt. He patted the root ball in place, first with his hands, like a squirrel tapping the earth to bury an acorn, then with his foot, flattening the loose ground with a stomp or two. He then rubbed his hands together as if to free himself of the task, to let go, to say, My job here is done— now grow and be free. I think Joe felt that he had given us a place to belong because he got us a house and filled it with nice things inside and out. Joe is a lot like that tree, providing us a place to grow.
We threaded our arms through each other while staring at our new willow and grinning in satisfaction. I think it was happy, too, with its skinny leaves jiggling in the breeze as if in laughter. Joe gave my baby bump a tender pat. “Don’t worry, Margaret,” he said, pulling me closer. “There’s still plenty of space to plant all those flowers you love so much.”
My wish is that I have given the girls the wisdom of the willow to guide them in finding their places.
“Life is but a day,
A fragile dew-drop on its perilous way
From a tree’s summit.”
—JOHN KEATS
OCTOBER
Charlotte
Ma stayed in the red brick Colonial because home was everything to her. Her place was in that house—and she felt it—deep in the marrow of her bones, where connections threaded through her body like veins to the heart. And one Sunday, she was ready to lie in a pillow of peace and walk with Jesus.
I was on my way, on a fifteen-minute drive to the only home I ever knew. I lived the nearest and was the youngest, so by default I was Ma’s primary caregiver, my sisters reasoned. There was no arguing with that. To do so would be a confrontation, and that would make me nervous. And my sister Linney, the organic titanic, would plop a handful of crystals into the palm of my hand to bring forth calmness and deep breathing from within me, as if calling attention to a deficit she felt I had.
It was my favorite time of year, when Mother Nature can fool us, offering late summer heat and sun despite the early fall calendar noting otherwise. My Beetle windows were open to the last vestiges of late October, a montage of maple and oak leaves in burnt orange, crimson, and green apple, with autumn’s spicy scent hitching a ride. I’ve never lived far from here, and I’ve never wanted to. My home gave me what I needed—an open landscape, beaches, access to city life, and seasons that are as pronounced as temperatures during a Chicago winter. My familiar surroundings gave me security.
As I neared the house, it appeared dwarfed now among the newer, larger homes around it, but it had loomed large to me as a child. My parents gave us a foundation here to take root and to connect, nestling into the curve of a cul-de-sac, one of many in the middle class of the tree-lined streets of Wilmette, a North Shore suburb of Chicago.
I turned on Birchwood Court, as I had done cou ntless times before, more frequently during this past summer. Pulling into the driveway, my tires dropped into gaps in the cement, then rolled over chunks of uneven concrete before I came to a stop. Life had shifted here, for all of us. The once white siding on the top floor was now dull and gray, and the black paint on the shutters was chipped. Landscaped beds, once packed with pink and blue hydrangeas, red roses, and deep lavender, were now faded and folded into the earth from which they grew. But the house’s redbrick foundation appeared to be holding on, maybe because of Dad’s great care of its bones over the years in obligation to its integrity. When I would return for a visit, I’d automatically soften into its folds, becoming a piece of the Dowling fabric once again.
The outside had become a worn blanket with holes and frayed edges, as if with the passing of years; an essence of what home truly meant had been weakened where it was no longer how I remembered it. I couldn’t see home clearly.
I opened the creaky front door and stood still in the foyer, blending into the silence, my body cutting the weight of thick air. The grandfather clock’s ticking echoed, and the oak floors still popped, especially in one spot when heading upstairs, setting off an alarm when my sisters tried to sneak in and up to their rooms after coming home later than they were supposed to. I would hear Rose first. “I heard you last night,” I’d whisper to her the next morning from across the kitchen table. She would flip her straight kohlblack hair away from her high-cheek-boned face to show a slight upward curve of her mouth, her hazel eyes peeking from underneath a curtain of bangs. I would never say anything to Deb because, as the oldest, she knew best, better than I, anyway. Oftentimes she was Ma’s spokesperson, an instant messenger when we needed direction. “Go wash up for dinner and make yourselves presentable. Dinner is ready,” she’d tell us with a cutting wave of her hand. Otherwise, I’d head to the dinner table as is, unkempt with dirty hands from working the Schafers’ jungle gym next door, a sure disappointment to Ma and Dad.
Threading down the hallway, I skimmed past our lives hanging framed in photos, to the rear of the house where Dad was sitting slumped at the kitchen table, though not in his usual seat. He was where I used to sit, staring out through the glass doors to the backyard as if in defeat. Jingle, our golden retriever, newest Dowling, and angel, lay under the table undisturbed at his feet, offering comfort. My parents rescued him when they needed rescuing from their empty nests, after my sisters and I had left home to pursue our best selves. I stood in the doorway to see Dad’s longing eyes move to his wife’s gilded-framed picture on the sideboard, taken well before I came along. I wondered what Dad was thinking. Was he trying to recall all his memories with her so he wouldn’t miss her more than he already was?
“Hey, Dad. I’m here,” I said, sidling up to him at the table. “How are you doing?” I squeezed his rounded shoulders. “You okay?” His shirt and khaki pants looked as worn out as he did. His face was void of the bright eyes and lively engagement he had before Ma died.
“Fine, fine, dear,” he said with a quivery smile.
We sat together, our elbows touching, staring out at the yard, under the spell of the willow branches pushed by easterly winds. Our eyes followed shriveled dead leaves, rambling along a thinned lawn and leftover from a fall landscape cleanup. I didn’t know what to say. Maybe just being together was enough?
I thought of how we would no longer “carry on,” as Dad used to say at a filled Dowling table at the end of meals, yet my sisters continued to deliberate about the dilemmas they faced in school. From Linney thinking about joining the pep squad in junior high, or Deb debating whether to go out for the debate team, or Rose considering trying for the part of Maria in West Side Story, Dad would hear us out, his head turning back and forth as he weighed the pros and cons of each side, and end it by folding his hands on the table and telling us, “Do what you have to do.” Well, I could have argued I had to quit speech class as it turned my insides upside down, knowing I had to stand in front of the class to talk about something as boring as the value of pocket protectors.
The wind rushed quicker through the yard and the skies dimmed. I told Dad I needed to go into the attic. “You go do what you need to do, Char. I’m headed for a stroll out back.” I watched him get up from the table, step over Jingle to reach the glass doors and pull them open. Jingle sprang out the door first, and Dad followed. I waited to leave until he settled into his favorite chair on the porch, next to Ma’s, to visit her in the memories of their lives.
Cobwebs clung across the corners of the attic’s door at an unlit narrow landing, as if to block any trespasser of the past. When I was little, I believed Santa Claus hid our presents in the reclusive place, something no one else knew. My parents entrusted me to keep that knowledge private, saying it was a secret only I could keep. And as a grown adult now, I can say I had been a good secret-keeper because of what Ma had asked of me that day last May.
The door resisted my pull, perhaps a sign I wasn’t supposed to be there, but I knew it was because of rust-coated hinges and infrequent use. A final tug, and it gave way. I waited for stirred dust to clear and warm air to settle to see where I was going. The midmorning sun offered light through a tiny square window to guide my footing, marking life in the dormancy of dust and dirt. I thought that was Ma’s old dresser straight ahead. I remembered when she told me about it, the first piece of furniture she ever owned, front drawers inlaid with cherry and pine. When Ma and Dad moved into this house, he told her she didn’t have to take her old bedroom furniture; she could get a whole new set. But there was something about hanging on to the familiar; Ma couldn’t part with it. A tarnished wrought iron headboard leaned against a near wall. Children’s dolls in various states of undress sat propped askew in an opened, broken suitcase under the window, trains were derailed from their dismantled tracks, and shoeboxes of disintegrating cardboard held their shape as if undisturbed. Though I had no understanding of what I was seeing and thought it all to be insignificant, I understood they must have been important to someone at one time. And who was I to label any object as having no meaning?
And I saw what Ma must have been whispering about to me. The steamer trunk. It sat alone in a far corner, tucked under the rafters. As I neared the remote spot, the dank and musty odor signaled a travel back in time. As old as it appeared, it was a part of this house’s foundation and its origin. It was large enough to keep best secrets and long memories and strong enough to hold tall tales. My hand skimmed across the ruts and scrapes that were evidence of a welltraveled wooden box, darkened with age, and held by tarnished metal straps that ran along each side. When I opened the cover, a mixed odor of lacquered wood, mildew, and mothballs struck my nose and itched my eyes. Wrinkled, stained silk that covered the lid’s interior showed tears at the edges from small, rusted nails holding its place. Nestled atop the tidy stack of dated men’s white shirts and work trousers, women’s black pumps, and a collection of scarves in every color of the rainbow was a large cardboard box, newer by the looks of its stiff, square shape. I opened a time capsule that brought the past into the present. When I released the box’s flaps, a cotton rug, a silk tapestry, and a linen tablecloth freed themselves of darkness. I pulled the treasures from their tomb and held the fabrics of our lives.
“The wonder is that we can see these trees and not wonder more.”
—RALPH WALDO EMERSON
MAY
Debra
Seeing old college friends on this Memorial Day weekend will be a celebration, a coming together, as we have tried and often failed to do because of our busy schedules. The day will reawaken a time when those relationships meant everything to me. The bonds among us, like anchors, have defied forces of nature such as a breakup, a failed class, or a new roommate who threatened our stability. Sure, we had our clashes, but nothing a night out at O’Donohue’s couldn’t smooth out. We’ve come a long way, from serving ourselves beer from a pitcher into plastic cups, to pouring wine into glass goblets from corked bottles wearing classy labels. It’s all about the packaging, the presence, not that I equate myself with an attractive wine bottle.
