Spatterjay omnibus, p.35
Suburban Warlock 5: A Slice of Life Fantasy, page 35
Suburban Warlock 5
A Slice of Life Fantasy
Noah Layton
Copyright 2025 Noah Layton
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other non-commercial uses permitted by copyright law. All characters in this book are aged 21 or over.
Contents
Chapter 1 – Full House
Chapter 2 – Busy Morning
Chapter 3 – Coffee Shop Blues
Chapter 4 – Manners
Chapter 5 – Lawn Care Distractions
Chapter 6 – The New Neighbor
Chapter 7 – Crash Landing
Chapter 8 – Having Trouble There?
Chapter 9 – Yoga Session
Chapter 10 – Maid Service
Chapter 11 – Suburban Jungle
Chapter 12 – The Wrath of the Locals
Chapter 13 – Everybody Just Calm Down
Chapter 14 – Homegrown Wilderness
Chapter 15 – Yardwork Magic
Chapter 16 – Maid Around the House
Chapter 17 – Keepers of the Dark Heart
Chapter 18 – Something in the Yards
Chapter 19 – Victoria and Jessica
Chapter 20 – House to House
Chapter 21 – Poker Night Rumors
Chapter 22 – Hidden Legends
Chapter 23 – Door in the Dark
Chapter 24 – Sadie’s Place
Chapter 25 – Airship Delivery
Chapter 26 – We Both Know
Chapter 27 – Legendary Recipes
Chapter 28 – Midnight on Main Street
Chapter 29 – Perfectly Normal Reaction
Chapter 30 – City Date
Chapter 31 – Sophie’s Love
Chapter 32 – Spare Bedroom Improvements
Chapter 33 – Workouts and Sunshine
Chapter 34 – The Fall of the Grassy Empire
Chapter 35 – Rearranging
Chapter 36 – Open Gardens
Chapter 37 – One Last Problem
Chapter 38 – Bakery Bound
Chapter 1
Full House
Orange rays of sunlight filtered through the gaps in the tree’s canopy overhead. I drew a deep breath of morning air.
By Surani’s suggestion it wasn’t wise that I spend too many nights in her tree domain because of the concentration of her mana back here. It was the nexus of her power, and despite how powerful I was, I was still magical by profession, not by heritage.
Turned out there really could be too much of a good thing – except when it came to my women.
Surani and Eva slept peacefully either side of me, their hands pressed gently to my chest, their breath gently brushing my neck with each gentle exhale. The wood-nymph and the dryad looked ethereal, their tight figures accentuated by their green skin against the vines below and the brown bark of the branches beyond.
The women of nature had gotten on like a house on fire not long after meeting, even if the way they approached magic had its differences. Eva was a much more modern cultivator of her natural magic, while a couple of centuries relaxing in the land that was now my backyard had made Surani favor a much more natural approach to her magic.
But whenever I didn’t spend a night there with her, she was eager to join me and the rest of my beautiful girlfriends back in my master bedroom.
I pulled myself away from their pleasant touch, got to my feet and stretched away the sleep. Instead of dropping down among the branches to the overgrown yard below, I moved straight ahead past the den of the trunk’s center and onto the high branches.
Pushing through the foliage, I emerged onto the end of an ambitious branch that stuck out from among the dense thrall of leaves and vines. The back of my house awaited before me, lit up with the early morning sunshine.
Vines among the tree had recently begun to snake towards me even after I was done sleeping. Nature took on a strange, sentient life of its own under Surani’s mana, growing in abundance, especially with the great weather that the town of Emberfall was bestowed with.
I raised my foot and propped it out beyond the branch. The vines below snaked beneath much more aggressively, as if concerned that I was going to take that one-way trip to the ground below.
‘Huh… I wonder if this will work…’
It was a sharp drop straight to the yard below if the vines decided to bail on me, but the grass was overgrown enough that I could manage a soft landing.
I had fallen from worse heights. I wasn’t in the business of doing things that were too stupid, but occasionally I made exceptions.
I stepped forwards with a march like a soldier and leaned into it. No going back. A brief jolt of panic clutched at my chest before the vines hanging from the branch scurried out and stopped beneath my foot, cushioning my weight.
I continued forwards with careful steps as the vines yearned forwards beneath my feet, forming a pathway for me until I reached the sloping patch of roof just above the back porch.
‘Thanks.’
I could have sworn that the mass of vines moved up and down in a nodding motion before withdrawing back to the branches and folds of the tree.
Even in the safety of suburbia I was occasionally paranoid about leaving my house windows open, and not just because of the chance of yelling birds landing on my window ledge with designs on screaming the whole house awake.
Standing on the sloping porch rooftop, I took a brief look around at my once-again overgrown backyard. I smiled and headed through the unlocked window and into the house.
Downstairs had been well-decorated since day one: it comprised a decent-sized reception hall giving onto a wide staircase, a sprawling living room off to the right, a dining room just beyond and a huge, adjoining kitchen.
All of it was decorated lavishly, or at least what I would call lavish by my own standards. Victoria’s place was a cut above, sure, but she had lived in the neighborhood for much longer than me.
This place was my home, and I had settled in much better than I expected considering the constant chaos of my past life.
But I had done enough fighting to last me several lifetimes, and I had earned this peace.
The first floor looked great - it was the second floor that could do with a little more work. My master bedroom was well-furnished, but even that needed a few improvements. The other bedrooms were half-finished. One was a study that Sophie used for her work, another was a guest bedroom, while the other two laid empty, just begging to be used.
And if I didn’t make use of them soon, I knew what would happen.
‘I’m no pack rat,’ I spoke to myself as I passed the large, empty rooms and looked into them, ‘but these places are begging to be filled with storage. Can’t let that happen.’
There was the attic, too, but I had never bothered to venture up there yet. It was on the to-do list.
I headed to my master bedroom and looked about the place. A large TV was situated across from the bed, often playing while I fell asleep with my women. Turned out suburbia had a library of TV shows and movies on offer; I had never been a TV guy, but in my semi-retired life I had found it to be a whole lot more interesting, especially when enjoying it with my girlfriends in bed.
‘Morning, honey.’
I glanced over my shoulder to see Jessica standing in the doorway. The staggeringly beautiful redhead wore her smooth, luscious hair in a messy ponytail. The incredible curves upon her fit body were covered by a set of black underwear upon her waist, the hint of it showing beneath an oversized t-shirt that draped over her busty chest.
‘Morning,’ I smiled as she crossed to me. ‘Sleep well?’
‘Very,’ she smiled draping her arms over my shoulders and smiling at me warmly as she looked into my eyes, ‘Who would have thought it would be so much fun living in a house with so many people?’
‘Just wait till Surani ends up making vines crawl through the windows, or Victoria is telling you to get your feet off of a table,’ I laughed, ‘Then it won’t seem so much fun.’
‘I look forward to all of it.’ Jessica leaned into me more, pressing her curves up to me and sending jolts of pleasure through my body as we kissed. I ran my hands down her back to her round, firm behind.
‘A shower is a must for me in the morning,’ she said, drawing away smoothly and sliding her hands over my body. ‘That’s one thing you should know about me. Feel free to hop in after me… But I’m content to share, too.’
Jessica turned away from me with a smile and crossed to the bathroom door, pulling off the oversized t-shirt and tossing it aside as she went. Just as I suspected, there was no bra beneath it; all she wore upon her incredible figure was that set of black underwear, its middle riding up between her round behind.
My house had plenty of bathrooms besides the en-suite connected to my master bedroom, but with Victoria’s place so close, as well as Eva’s across the street, my women prepped for the day wherever they wanted.< br />
Running across the street for a shower might have turned heads, but thankfully on Willow Lane, nobody cared. Folks lived the way they wanted to live, and a guy living with many beautiful women was nothing to care much about.
People were plenty neighborly, but nobody was nosy; it was the dream for a suburban neighborhood… Minus the occasional magical mishaps, of course.
But a man always needed trouble to keep himself busy, and the folks around here were never in short supply when it came to that.
After showering and getting dressed into a pair of boots, fitted jeans and a rough-worn canvas shirt, I fixed my hair in the mirror and looked myself up and down.
After so long dungeon clearing my body was covered in a formidable layer of lean muscle, but a few months in suburbia could easily do away with that. Couches with cushions soft and deep enough to swallow a man like the jaws of a beast, every kind of takeout and food available from the grocery store and far too many opportunities to put my feet up, and it was no wonder that getting out of shape could happen without me even realizing.
I had made a point to stay active with plenty of jogging through the maze-like suburban streets and the woodland trails beyond in the surrounding hills, as well as keeping myself busy with projects working on the house, my vehicles and various physically demanding handyman magic jobs that my neighbors needed help with.
Still, I could feel my body getting a little stiffer. I was a master of dodging back during my dungeon clearing, and the art of it had repaid me with very few scars to show for my work.
‘Next project is a bench and a squat rack,’ I remarked, checking my stubble for any gray hairs in the mirror downstairs, ‘but that’s only going to keep me strong, not help with the stiffening up… Maybe I need to go try some yoga or something…’
Sophie would never let me live it down, but I didn’t want to be a walking plank of wood.
Chapter 2
Busy Morning
I headed downstairs and onto my front porch. We practically had a fleet of vehicles now: Eva and Jessica both had an SUV each, and Victoria possessed a pristine red coupe that I barely felt comfortable cleaning, never mind going anywhere near considering how gorgeous it was.
I wasn’t exactly as showy: my old motorcycle and the Yugerman 350 were both in working condition after plenty of fixing – and help from Eva – but not exactly the kind of thing that most would be content to show off out front of their large suburban house.
Then again, I was surprised that I hadn’t had half the guys in the neighborhood over yet to tell me all about their glory days of motorcycle riding and evading the lawkeepers before they settled down.
Just because the vehicles were old, didn’t mean they were valuable, but I loved them anyway.
I drew another deep breath of fresh air and smiled as I looked about at the street. Life was good.
Checking my watch while I enjoyed my cup of coffee, I headed to the end of the yard just off the sidewalk as the clock ticked to 9am. My house was close to the end of the street; only the currently unoccupied number 49 resided off to my left before mirrored stretches of grass and trees for 40 or 50 yards either side of the road, leading into a couple more neighborhoods before town.
I was at number 47, across from Eva’s place at number 48, and I was the first stop of the local delivery man.
Quentin and his traveling bodega appeared instantly on the landing pad upon the sidewalk, right on the hour.
‘Good morning, Trent,’ the suited wood-elf nodded formally, checking my morning order of milk, rib-eye steak, sourdough bread and a copy of the Bright Tribune.
‘Morning, Quentin,’ I replied, ‘What’s the word?’
‘The word is exceptionally ordinary, just how I like things,’ he nodded, a smile rising at the edge of his mouth.
‘Do you stop here at precisely 9am just because you value our friendship that much?’ I asked, taking another sip of coffee from my mug.
‘About as much as I value your business.’
‘Is… Is that a lot?’
‘I feel perfectly neutral about it, Trent.’
‘I guess that’s something,’ I smiled. ‘Still, it was a nice stroke of luck that I got the 9am slot.’
‘It wasn’t luck. You’re the first on the street, moving in descending numbers. That puts you first.’
‘What about the old deliveries you used to drop off next door?’
‘Those were done outside of regular delivery hours. An element of discreetness because of the strangeness of the job. You, on the other hand, weren’t strange.’
‘So the entire schedule gets thrown into the air because of one change?’
‘We go by house, not by who gets here first,’ he replied. ‘The locals are fine with it. They enjoy the order of things.’
‘But when somebody moves in permanently next door, surely that will mess the whole schedule up again. They’ll be at the start of the street, probably in a lot more normal circumstances than the previous occupant, and they’ll have the 9am slot.’
‘Mmhmm.’
‘I can’t believe I’m discussing the minutiae of a delivery schedule,’ I smiled, taking another sip of coffee.
‘Hey, what do you mean?’ Quentin laughed. ‘You saying it’s boring or something? I have great passion for my schedule.’
We were cut off from the rest of the conversation by the sound of footsteps on the path behind me.
I turned to see Victoria leaving the house, her tanned, beautiful face on show to the morning light with her dark hair pulled back in a neat ponytail. She dressed in one of her more formal outfits: heels which she commanded expertly, a tight black pencil skirt that hugged her thighs, generous hips and her large, round ass, and a silk white blouse pulled tight over the perfect posture of her upper body, shoulders pushed back with her chest pushed out even further than usual.
With curves like hers, formal was even more stretched than the silk fabric of the blouse tugging at the buttons over her enormous breasts.
‘Whatever he’s saying, Quentin, he’s full of it,’ Victoria smiled with a wink, ‘Don’t listen to a word he says.’
‘When exactly am I full of it?’ I replied with a laugh. ‘Anyway, coming from a lawyer I consider that going easy.’
‘You should.’
‘Where are you headed?’
‘To work.’
‘An actual case?’
‘Yes, an actual case,’ she spoke, biting her tongue between her teeth as she smiled, ‘Why is that so strange?’
‘I thought you only took the cases you wanted to take.’
‘I do, and I have found one that I want to take.’
‘What’s it about?’
‘Attorney-client privilege,’ she replied, pressing a finger to her full lips, ‘You won’t be hearing a word from me about anything. I’ve got a reputation to uphold.’
‘Don’t we all?’ Quentin smiled.
Victoria blew me a kiss, slipped her wand from her bra and slowly pushed it towards the cover wrapped around her coupe until her arm was outstretched completely. With a sharp pull she jabbed her elbow back, pulling the cover with it. It spun itself away and tucked itself beneath the driver’s seat.
Victoria dropped her bag into the passenger seat as she dropped into the driver’s seat and pulled on her shades. That woman, that outfit, that car…
It was like she had appeared in my dreams only to drive straight out of them again.
‘Have a nice day, gentlemen,’ she smiled from behind her shades, reversing smoothly off the drive and setting off. ‘I’ll be back to work from home after lunch.’
Before either I or Quentin could say anything else, another round of footsteps sounded behind me. Eva, my dryad girlfriend, came hurrying along the path in a variation of her usual outfit: white vest and black hotpants wrapping up her tall, slender figure.
‘Got to go,’ she said, sweeping by me smoothly and kissing me on the cheek, ‘Got a couple of legacy plants acting up in a spot we manage.’
‘Legacy plants?’ I repeated, ‘Do I want to know?’
‘Just things that my people keep an eye on,’ she said, ‘Not the kind of thing that Surani can monitor. I’ll tell you all about it later. Don’t worry, it’s nothing to do with the tunnels.’ Eva glanced over at Quentin. ‘Damn, I really shouldn’t have mentioned that.’
‘You have the advantage of customer-courier confidentiality,’ Quentin nodded assuredly. ‘Just as Victoria does with her clients, apparently.’
