Briefly a delicious life, p.1
Briefly, a Delicious Life, page 1
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For Eley
The sky is turquoise, the sea is azure, the mountains are emerald, the air is heaven. Sunny, hot days; everyone in summer clothes. Guitars and singing all through the night…. Briefly, a delicious life.
—Frédéric Chopin
Who amongst us has not, at some time, selfishly dreamed of forsaking his affairs, his habits, his acquaintances, and even his friends, to settle in some enchanted island and live without worries?
—George Sand
Knowing them, I am sure that within a month of being together, they will not be able to stand the sight of one another.
—Marie d’Agoult
TWO MEN KISSING
Of course, it wasn’t the first time I’d seen two men kissing. It was 1838 and I had been at the Charterhouse in Valldemossa for over three centuries by then. I had seen hundreds of monks arrive, kiss each other, and die, but still, the sight of these two stopped me in my tracks.
The men—slight bodies, bony, both very short, standing amongst rotting pomegranates and flies in the overgrown garden of one of the abandoned cells—were gripping each other’s faces, hands like masks. There was a smell of fermentation rising from the ground, and it gave the scene—the lovers, the kiss—a fizzy, too-hot quality. Sweat had worked its way through the shirt and jacket of the smaller one, spreading darkly between his shoulder blades. (It was November but still warm; the weather had yet to turn.)
The taller man trailed his fingers along the other’s neck, and let them drape over his shoulder. The hand was very pale, as though it rarely saw the sun, and surprisingly broad below a narrow, snappable wrist. Fine bones pressed against the skin, splayed like a wing; thick muscle curved around the base of the thumb. The fingers looked heavy, the way they hung, faintly blue, from rounded knuckles.
A bird startled in the tree above them and flew off, dislodging a little flurry of feathers and leaves, and both men looked up as though expecting bad news.
Three hundred years earlier, I’d seen Brother Tomás with Brother Mateo in that very same garden, beard crushing against beard and the clatter of rosary beads hitting the paving stones. A decade or so after that, there was the boy from the village who sold bad oranges with the boy in the kitchens who made bad preserves. Around the turn of the sixteenth century there was a complex triangulation amongst Brothers Augustin, Miguel, and Simón. And so on, over the years: countless combinations, differing ages, differing levels of urgency and tenderness, but always more or less the same, the kissing and gripping and so often the very same skittishness, the entirely justified fear of being found out, the creeping sensation that they were being watched.
The point is: I was used to seeing habits fall from shoulders, formations of body hair on chests, backs, buttocks, et cetera. I enjoyed it. It was comforting. These, after all, were not the sort of men I worried about. It was the others, the ones who had fewer secrets, that kept me on my toes.
What surprised me was the presence of these lovers in the garden at all. There had been no monks at the Charterhouse since the government seized it from the Church three years before and sent them all away. The eviction happened quickly: the news, the tears, the goodbye kisses. There was a scramble for possessions they were not strictly supposed to have, and certainly not supposed to care about. Candlesticks stuffed into sacks. Gold crucifixes protruding from the folds of skirts. And then they clinked and clattered off down the hill, and I was left alone. Even the priest, Father Guillem, found the dead atmosphere oppressive. He moved to a house on the opposite side of the square.
I had thought—so funny with hindsight—that perhaps I wasn’t needed there anymore. I began to think of moving on, started to fantasize about taking some rooms in the center of Palma, nothing too elaborate, just a vantage point from which I could watch the city happen. I hadn’t spent much time away from Valldemossa, the small hillside village where I was born, and the idea of trying my luck in the city was alluring. New smells, new people to worry about and dodge and look out for. But then a sacristan was hired to take care of the Charterhouse in the absence of the monks, and as he swaggered around the place swinging his keys, as he napped in the monks’ deserted cots, snoring and smacking his lips in his sleep, as he sold off all the silverware, and then all the gold, as his hands grabbed more and more things that were not his to grab, it became apparent I would have to stay on a little longer to keep an eye on him. In the quiet of the early mornings, I waited for the sound of his heavy footsteps on the tiles. Over time it came less frequently, as the novelty of the job wore off for the Sacristan. Still, I stayed. I was quiet and watchful, became invested in the comings and goings of lizards. I took up bird-watching. Sometimes I threw things. I waited, just in case.
That morning, I had gone into the garden to try my hand at swatting fruit from the branches of one of the taller trees, and after that to sneak up on the starlings and howl, which would send them into the air together like a single giant bird. I had it all planned out and was not prepared, not prepared at all, to come across unfamiliar, uninvited lovers.
Eventually, they stepped back from one another. The smaller one readjusted his jacket and turned his head to the side. My first view of his face: plump lips, dark eyes, long lashes, and glossy black curls pinned back. Cheeks pink in the heat. Sweat on the temples.
Which was when I realized that it was not a man after all. It was a woman dressed as a man.
Which was the second great surprise of my morning.
I FALL IN LOVE
My name is Blanca. I died in 1473, when I was fourteen years old, and had been at the Charterhouse ever since. Over the centuries, I suppose, I came to think of it as solely my domain. I knew more about it than anyone else, that was for sure. I knew the generations of monks, and after they left, the great silence of the place. I knew about all sorts: buried treasure, dead-end tunnels, which doors swelled shut in summer with the heat and which in winter with the damp. I knew where the roof leaked, where the rats nested. And still, for all my expertise, there was no sign whatsoever of where these two people had sprung from: the same old corridors, same echoes, same spiders crawling from beam to beam across the ceiling. I was wrong-footed.
The man-who-was-in-fact-a-woman reached out to brush away a leaf that had caught in the hair of the man-who-was-a-man.
He was pallid, red-eyed, looked exhausted. She was shorter than him but seemed, now I had a sense of her, the larger of the two. They clambered over the low wall at the end of the garden and sat on it with their backs to me, looking out at the tiered fields of almond trees descending the mountain. She dug in her pocket, fumbled with something I couldn’t see. When she shifted her head a little I realized she was smoking, which was a tiny thing, the smallest thing, but you have to understand that in all my centuries on earth I had never seen anything like it: this woman—I had taken in the shape of her, collarbones, breasts, hips that swelled below her waist—who dressed like a man, kissed like a man, smoked like a man. She swung a leg back over the wall, straddling it as though it were a horse.
That was it. The bracket of her bent leg against the stones. The way her mouth angled around the cigar in a grimace that was almost a smile. The sight of a woman in a well-tailored jacket and trousers. Unexpected, unimagined. A prickling sensation. A stomach-dropping, blood-fizzing, breath-stopping, knotted lurch-and-swoop that I recognized, by then, as the first faltering step towards falling in love.
And then, behind me, everything started happening. Faint rumbling noises growing louder: grunting, heavy objects being dragged across cobbles, the wheezing and occasional shrieks of a donkey. A child laughed. A man shouted. I darted back to see the Charterhouse doors jerk open, a slab of sunlight fall across the tiles, and chaos tumble over the threshold.
A young woman, very red-faced and sweaty from the climb, attempted to control a girl of around ten years old, who was spinning on the worn-down steps so that her skirts blew out. A young man, or perhaps he was still a boy, was attempting to direct the porter leading a donkey laden with cases.
“It’s Cell Three,” the boy was saying. “We’re to stay in Cell Three.”
On the threshold of Cell Three, the strangers stood and surveyed it, panting: its expanse of dust, dust sheets, dust twisting like snow through the columns of light slanting in from the windows. It was a small apartment of three conjoined rooms with high ceilings and thick walls, a smell of damp and firewood. The floor stayed cool in hot weather, its cracked tiles plugged with the dead skin of all the monks who had paced them. There was a small fissure in the plaster above the main doorway where, in 1712, Brother Federico had drunkenly hurled a plate. Each of the three rooms had a doorway that opened out onto the overgrown, half-rotten garden where the lovers were. Tendrils reached inside through the windows and doors as though the plants, like these strangers, were trying to move in.
Cell Three had, in recent years, been the busiest part of the Charterhouse, a place that was, admittedly, not known to be busy at all. The Sacristan, having moved into town and sold what few treasures the mo
I knew the daughter was pregnant before she did. I snuck inside her body and felt the doubleness, the second heart beating at the bottom of her belly. It was fresh and alarming, the cramping and clenching, the nausea. She started throwing up. I found a bucket in the attic and dragged it to the corner of her room. When she was done, I’d haul it off and dump it out. It took enormous effort for me to make such impact on the world, to move an object from place to place—I am weak, my ability to exert pressure is erratic—but the girl never seemed to wonder what happened to the bucket, how it was that it came back clean every morning; she simply gripped the sides in her shaky, thin fingers and replenished it.
She was almost spherical, mountainous, by the time her parents realized what had happened. They, with their daughter, confronted the Sacristan. (He had barely looked at the girl since she started to show and had not bothered to explain to her that what was happening to her was his fault entirely.) He feigned confusion at first, and then, under pressure from the parents and from me, too—I pummeled his head; he called it a migraine—he shrugged and said, well, yes, it was him, but what of it?
He pointed at the portraits of the Madonna that lined the walls of the Charterhouse corridors: canvas after canvas of broad, white foreheads, beatific smiles, occasional exposed breasts proffered to babies with the faces of old men. Those virgins, he said, were the only ones he was duty bound to protect.
I howled and howled, and the daughter looked up, eyes wide, suddenly afraid. She seemed at last to sense the danger she was in, to understand that the thing she was growing beneath her skin might one day burst out of her so violently and bloodily that she or it or something might die.
The next day the family packed up and left, and I never got to find out what happened.
Over time, the Sacristan became less interested in sex and more interested in food. He moved an old lady called María Antonia into Cell Two. She paid no rent in return for cooking him meals. He told her not to give him bread, and I noticed that whenever he had any, he was overcome with pains and gas. I took to sneaking crumbs into his soup. The bucket the Spanish girl had used was still in Cell Three, and whenever I saw it I liked to imagine her and her baby, wherever they were, together and alive and unmolested.
Now, the newly arrived little girl skidded to the corner, sending up a plume of dust behind her, and peered inside the bucket as though looking for her fortune at the bottom. She tipped it upside down, dislodging a beetle.
“What took you all so long?” The lovers, drawn by the commotion, were standing at the window, the woman leaning into the room with her forearms draped on the sill. Her voice: clear, low.
There was a long silence and then the young man said, somewhat pointedly, “We were carrying things, Mama.”
“Amélie,” the woman said. “Go and make up Chopin’s bed at once. He is exhausted from the climb.” The older girl patted sweat from her face and stared blankly as though she were going to refuse. “Now,” said the woman, and Amélie hauled herself to her feet.
I ordered the family in my mind: Mama, Chopin, son, daughter, and reluctant domestic, Amélie. The children and servant looked astonished to find themselves there—kept looking around at the walls and ceiling, at their feet on the floor—as though this was as unexpected by them as it was by me. The adults seemed oblivious. They wandered inside.
Mama crouched down beside a suitcase, unfastened and opened it. Inside was a rubble of oddities that smelled damp and foreign. As she removed a handkerchief, a single moth fluttered up from the case so it looked, for a second, as though the cloth itself was taking off. A magnifying glass, which she held to her face, turning a giant, augmented eye upon the room, owlish and black. When she blinked, her lashes brushed the lens. She placed the glass on the floor beside her left foot, as though that was where she intended to keep it, but as soon as she did so the little girl leapt forwards and carried it off to examine dust in a crevice by the window. Mama withdrew a pair of compasses, walking them idly along her forearm. The points dug into her skin, leaving white spots that shrank and turned pink.
“What are you doing?” said the boy.
Mama dug the point of the compass under her thumbnail, scraping out a crescent of dirt. She looked up. “Unpacking, Maurice.”
And so the foreign family filled the familiar rooms with their unfamiliar things. Mama produced trinket after trinket, clue after clue, from her case, setting them beside her on the floor. Sheet music, scrawled hastily as though it were a lovers’ note. Tobacco. Neckties. A sheaf of papers clasped in a worn-out leather folder, embossed with faded letters that read: From the pen of George Sand.
“We’re really going to stay here?” Maurice, hovering in the doorway from the garden, looked uncertain.
She turned her attention back to her hands and said, wearily I thought, “We really are.”
My heart—the place where my heart had been when I was alive—soared.
BEAUTIFUL WOMEN
I should explain: When I was alive, I lived in a time of beautiful men. They were everywhere: big and broad and manly, managing everything mannishly, manifesting whatever they wanted and manhandling what they didn’t. I ogled them, it’s true. Everyone did. It was normal. They were so beautiful. As my mother used to say: we had two religions; there was the Church, and then there were the men.
After I died, I found myself in a time of beautiful women.
It was a shock, of course, when I noticed this. It was not something I’d considered in my life. Women had represented only safety to me, comforting boredom. My mother, for instance, single-handedly managing the family pig business. My sister. Girls in the village who understood me completely and had their own worries and secrets and fears that were just like mine. I had never seen anything remotely alluring in them. The idea! Like being attracted to a glass of milk.
But then there I was, transported. In the early days of my death, the women of the village struck me as godlike. They moved through the world as though they were distinct from it—crisp-edged, wrapped in their skins—while the men seemed to fade into the earth, revealing themselves to be muddy, boggish, unreliable. I’d had enough of men by then to last a lifetime and longer. I learned too late to be wary, suspicious, to comb through their thoughts for nefarious intent, but I took it up after death for the sake of the women that survived me.
The women that survived me! They stepped out of their houses into the daylight and if I’d had any breath I would have been breathless at the sight of them. The hands of women. The ankles of women. The voices of women as they called to each other across the square. I could have kicked myself for not realizing it before.
I wanted to know everything, wanted to know what a woman smelled like, not just from a distance, but right up close—nose to armpit, nose to foot, nose to crotch. What a woman tasted like. What a woman’s mouth felt like when it kissed you. I could only imagine approximations, insufficient and overly poetic. It would be like the wing of a pigeon brushing against your lips. It would be like someone crushing the head of a rose against your tongue. In those early dead days, I was still a teenager after all. I thought like a teenager, concocted similes like a teenager.
What a waste of a body, I thought, not to have found out all these things when I had time to feel them.
