The Inventions of Professor

  McTavish

  Nick Gillard

  AuthorHouse™ UK

  1663 Liberty Drive

  Bloomington, IN 47403 USA

  www.authorhouse.co.uk

  Phone: 0800.197.4150

  © 2017 Nick Gillard. All rights reserved.

  No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

  Published by AuthorHouse 05/11/2017

  ISBN: 978-1-5246-8076-3 (sc)

  ISBN: 978-1-5246-8075-6 (e)

  Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models,

  and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

  Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

  Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

  Contents

  Dedication

  Acknowledgements.

  Look To The Worm

  Rhubarb A-Plenty

  From The Udder To The Thudder

  The Giraffe And The Glove

  DEDICATION

  I want to dedicate this book to the Simon trust. This is a new and exciting provision for people with severe autism, aged 25 years old and onwards. In the County of Surrey, England. We have a daughter called Rosanna, who will be living there once it has been completed in 2018. We are part of a group of parents with young people who have severe autism who are working with Surrey County Council to provide a lifelong home for them and others.

  www.thesimontrust.org

  ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS.

  I want to thank my wife Gill, and my two daughters, Aprille and Caitlin for helping with these stories. Especially with the computer!

  LOOK TO THE WORM

  Upon the hill that rose above Plumpton town lived a professor, Michael McTavish. An inventor of magnificent imagination and creativity. Eager to unleash his manifold inventions and curious contraptions for the betterment of the Plumptonians below. One early Spring day while rummaging through his father’s library looking for ideas for his next invention he came across this poem:

  Worms And Angels

  Lumbricus labours without any praise,

  beneath the grass where cows do graze.

  You wriggle and roam through chocolate-cake loam,

  rejoicing you move thro’ your soft-soily home.

  And as you feast then you feed,

  root of crop, appletree and seed.

  Blessed! Little worm I bestow praise,

  as you wriggle through your maze.

  For like angelic-labour unseen,

  vital is your striving-keen!

  “I wonder…” thought the Professor, “how does the worm stay clean as it wriggles and roams through the loam? Fired with this inspiring thought he set about inventing a self-cleaning suit. After ten years of fervent experimentation. Of strange noises, fierce flashes of light. Huge booms that shook the air like canon-blasts; and of much comings and goings (which were the talk of the town). His fierce industry reached it’s crescendo of completion!

  And so the day arrived when he descended the hill. And standing on a table in the town square, pon’ market day He boomed his beckoning with bubbling beneficence bold. With surprise and intrigue everyone gathered bustling around him. And a hush fell upon all.

  “For you I have toiled for ten toiling years of toil. I’ve toiled the toil of ten toiling toilers!

  To endow to you the fabulous fruits of my boiling toiling. Your lives will be sweet as honey from the bees. And Plumpton will be put on the map, when you have my inventions upon your lap.

  I will reveal them one by one, and you’ll be plump with a mighty fun!”

  He then proceeded to explain with exuberance his one- piece Lumbricus terestris suit.

  “Adorned in this special suit you will be able to stay as clean as the wondrous worm.

  You’ll work all day in the garden, rolling in mud and muck. And to you not a grain of dirt will be stuck!

  Be dragged through a festering bog, but clean and happy, you’ll leap up like a frog!

  Be pelted in earnest with swill for the pig; but clean as a whistle you’ll rise with a jig.

  And all will be well in Plumpton town; When you are clothed in this worm- like gown.

  If you do not grasp this boon. You’ll surely be called a mighty buffoon!”

  The people were amazed and snapped up the special suits. His whole supply of 300 were sold in a twinkling! Over the next two days you could see everyone in the worm suits, working the land. And everything looked very grand. But on the next day disaster struck of the most hideous proportions.

  A fine day it was. All were beavering at their tasks, when all of a sudden a huge dark cloud covered Plumpton. The black shape swiftly swooped as a screeching Nazgul. The wormy workers were suddenly plunged into a battle fierce. Bashing birds, diving, pummeling and pecking with frantic ferocity.

  Fleet of foot they fled; diving for cover in pond, ditch and shed. Bruised and battered they hid. Their screams were heard in all the out- lying villages.

  The army were called in to disperse the ravenous birds, which they did with canons. That done they set up a field hospital to treat the wormy- workers. By sun down all was quiet, and the injured were in a stable condition.

  The professor came to see them in the morning, and with these words he brought them great cheer.

  “Men and women of Plumpton. I praise you for your valor and courage. Those feathery fiends saw you as a mere and mighty morsel. They thought you were a spineless worm! Easy pickings! But you showed them that you had a backbone.

  You rose valiant to the attack. Courage you did not lack.

  Bravely you fought, and retreated to safety. And now you are safe and sound.

  Soon you will be right as rain. Gone will be the pecking pain. And when you, my next invention see; the whole of Plumpton will sing with glee.”

  RHUBARB A-PLENTY

  In the library of the McTavish manor I have discovered a vast horde of documents showing the Magnificent inventions flowing down thro’ the centuries as a bubbling, babbling brook bestowing much excitement upon the people of Plumpton-town. As an example I set forth for you below the Wonder wrought by Bartholemew McTavish.

  T’was in the spring of 1867 AD when after ten toiling years he-with not a little help from Gregor

  Mendal managed to ingeniously blend together three unusual and rare plants. Which through daring and danger he had gathered from his many adventures in distant and exotic lands.

  This triune plant was named :–—

  BIN.BAM.BARB!

  COMMON

  NAME LATIN

  ABR.

  BINdweed

  Convolvulus Alacritus Fantasticus

  BIN

  BAMboo

  Bambusa Pulverisima Ferousia

  BAM

  RhuBARB

  Rheum Giganticum Maximus

  BARB

  A great and grand gathering gathered gladly into the town square and listened in awe to the good news of their Imminent blessing. He was sorely interrupted by the bellowing Patrick O’Flannagen who had suddenly leapt onto the stage!

  The king of kafufels will come your way,

  If this nincompoop over you has sway!

  The whole of Plumpton shall surely pay!

  Lavish will be the goonerourous……baboonerous….. loonerous bafoonery that shall visit you I say!

  Patrick nimbly leapt down and swift of foot sped away shouting ‘Mark my words’ as he went. The Professor raised his hand and calmed the startled people. “Citizens of Plumpton, my Bin-Bam-Barb has opened up to you a doorway leading into the bright and golden uplands, where you shall rise like the eagle into the richness of a ceaseless and constant supply of rhubarb crumble! Embrace the progress. Do not shrink back into the dark dank shadows like a slimy slithering slug before the morning sun ascending!”

  Convinced the crowds came forward and snapped up the potted plants; rushed home, and all were planted by sun-down.

  In the first week all were a merry lot

  Rhubarb a-plenty bubbled in every pot.

  Song and dance filled every home,

  Every child wrote a rhubarb poem.

  Eight times a day they munched a mountainous crumble,

  And suddenly their swollen bellies did rumble.

  Bulging barrel-big they took to their bed,

  Groaning and moaning, they felt like lead.

  And now their garden they did not tend,

  Bin-bam-barb underground shoots did send.

  Terrifying tendrils filled the air,

  And into the walls they did tear.

  Rhubarb came piercing t hro’ the floor,

  While the people did nought but snore!

  Road and path were clothed with leaves,

  Everywhere it speedily weaves.

  Foliage thick blocked the light,

  Bamboo shoots packed together tight.

  No one could escape it’s mighty grasp,

  The weaving web wrapped them fast!

  But with military skill Burt got out,

  And at the barracks he gave the shout!

  The army were mobilised, and the rescue mission began. After many days of cutting out the captives all were at last free. A field hospital was set up and the battered and bruised were nursed back to vim and vigour. Plumpton town was burnt to the ground

  All that was left was a desolate mound. The Bin-Bam -Barb was vanquished. Plumpton had to be rebuilt which took many a-year,

  And the fear of rhubarb was always near.

  Laws were past that forbade it grow,

  Or into prison you would go. After ten years Bartholemew McTavish was allowed to return. Humbled, he vowed to restore in their eyes the great name of McTavish by the making of wondrously clever contraptions upon Plumpton to lavish!

  FROM THE UDDER TO THE THUDDER

  The stewed rhubarb bubbled merrily in the pot. As the three great inventors thrashed out their vimming-visions. Through many calculations, drawings, and making of models they toiled. Brimming bowls of rhubarb bolstered their bones. And by and by they completed their goals. And in the deep of night, by fire light they toasted with ruddy rhubarb wine. Exhausted and excited they retired to their beds and all was soon hushed and quiet in the McTavish manor

  A few days later the whole of Plumpton was buzzing to have such inventors as these speaking in the town hall. And what marvels were to be revealed. The crowds nattered excitedly as Professor Brenden McTavish entered and stood at the front. Everyone shuffled and got comfortable; you could have heard a pin drop! He apologized for the absence of Werner Von Braun and Barnes Wallis as they were unable to cope with the bountiful bowls bestowed to fortify them. He then commenced bellowing out……

  “Look to the ant thou sluggard,

  And learn from his ways. Proverbs 6 verse 6.

  King Solomon’s advice we have taken to heart

  And the wonders of science we now impart!

  The lights were turned off and all was as black as ink. The projector was turned on, and the beam blasted out it’s brightness and upon the screen stood Professor McTavish in a white coat surrounded by many glass tubes and containers of various sizes. Gurgling liquids of manifold colours smoked and bubbled. A trumpet blast startled the crowd, and he began to speak.

  “Invention one is Dento-ball,

  A wonderous thing that will enthrall.

  A bristling brisk ballistic ball a-brushing,

  Supersonic spinning swift, nashers a-sparkling!

  In all of Plumpton no toothbrush or dentist will you need,

  Your nashers will sparkle, the radiant moon exceed.

  It will clean your mouth with copious froth,

  That tastes of delicious rhubarb broth.

  Then it lets out custard polish,

  And every stain it will demolish!

  Invention two, a supersonic washing machine,

  Will leave your rags clean, pristine.

  In a twinkling……in a wink,

  No more scrubbing in the sink.

  Giving the excitement of a jet fighter,

  And make your clothes mighty brighter.

  My third invention will bring you milk, still warm from the udder;

  A bouncing ball of brimming bounty bulging will hit the thudder!

  Fleeter than a cheetah, the milk-float will come;

  Mc Ginty the best rear gunner of squadron 631.

  And swift the milk-ball he will deliver,

  Like arrows skilful from the quiver.

  With military precision there’ll stick to your door,

  You’ll always have milk in your store.

  Can anything good come out of Plumpton, will no longer be heard,

  These three marvels will make your life sweet as lemon curd.”

  Professor McTavish brought his speech to a crescendo by quoting from Wollamaga, the king of the Amazonian Karonga tribe, “You can lead a Sloth to banana broth, but you cannot make the handsome sloth to scoff!

  The people stood in awe at the advancement of science, and eagerly wanted the appliance of science. They asked the professor when they could start. Friday 8th of April was set for Plumpton to rise into the bliss of progress. Over the next weeks the town was buzzing as all the machinery came and was fitted. Many lectures were given, and all was merry!

  The great day arrived and Plumpton was ready. Colourful Bunting bedecked the streets, and brass bands filled the air with music and jollity. The count- down began ; ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, ONE! And this is where disaster struck. Dentoballs and whizzing washers were activated. Sonic booms were going off every- where, [many teeth were lost!] It sounded like the start of the battle of Alamein! The shocked people ran screaming down the streets, hither and thither. Suddenly McGinty appeared over the brow of the hill; swiftly decending he sped through the street, zealously delivering the milk-balls. Despite his military training he could not cope with the constant swerving as they went around the unpredictable people, [who should have been indoors, McGinty said afterwards]. People were going down like skittles as the milk-balls were bouncing. It was altogether, an alarming time! All the out-lying villages heard the howling and booming, and raised the alarm. The army were rapidly deployed, and arriving at Plumpton swiftly set up a field hospital, turned off the power, and gathered the battered and bruised on stretchers. By sun-down all were being treated in the tent hospital.

  The next morning the Professor came to comfort the plumptonians with these words,

  I warned Von Braun and Wallace to give more time,

  To give more attention to the design.

  I’ll ring on the dog n’ bone this morn,

  And pour on them Plumpton’s scorn.

  The lash of my tongue shall not be in vain,

  They’ll not set foot in Plumpton again.

  Now remember dear people that things could be far worse. As you meditate upon your beds, fear not for the days ahead. Rest assured every woman and man, for in the words of the great Inspector Cleauso’

  I HAVE A CUNNING PLAN!!!

  THE END.

  THE GIRAFFE AND THE GLOVE

  There was a large old manor house nestled in the edge of an ancient oak wood-land. A beautiful valley stretched out before it, farms were dotted here and there. In a patchwork of colourful crops. It had many windows and interesting chimneys. There were many secret passages and cool cellars full of old books and boxes. Around this house was a most delightful and unusual garden. Many amazing tree-camps were concealed in the sturdy trees. And swings hung from the oaks, and when swung upon a lovely tune would chime out from high up in the tree. There were large trimmed lawns and flower borders, bright and buzzing with bees. Shrubberies, and one or two, perhaps three secret gardens were hidden away, quietly waiting.

  All the children from the villages would come and play there; and would have a most happy time. What was unusual about the garden were the animals. Those that I saw included a huge shire-horse on whose head sat a black and white kitten. They would purr and neigh contentedly to each other as they ambled about. A number of tortoises and mice would play together on the lawn.

  There was a Hippopotami called Harry, who would often sit amongst the daffodils, munching them at leisure! No amount of shouting and shoving could move this obstinate beast – for many children had tried! Rooks, rabbits and robins sat upon donkey’s backs. Dogs, cats, squirrels, moles, voles and hedgehogs played or slept in earnest. There was even a giraffe as tall as a house, and an elephant who would go about a-trumpeting.

 

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