Without limits ssion and.., p.151
Without Limits: A BWWM Collection of Passion and Desire, page 151
“Actually, I ended up going along with Arnold,” Ryan explained, understanding that, somehow, April might be feeling betrayed.
If April knew what Ryan was thinking, she would have agreed with him. Betrayal was exactly what she felt. Nancy didn’t deserve to be part of her special day, yet she’d weaseled into it, welcomed unbeknownst by Ryan.
“Oh. You never said anything.”
“We started talking about you and me. She was interested, April, and I’m excited about us and wanted to talk about it. She seemed genuine. I’m so sorry.”
The knowledge that she was bordering on irrational wasn’t strong enough to keep her from questioning Ryan, and she felt terrible about it, but was unable to stop. The ring on her finger weighed down her hand, pulled it toward the ground, and it took all of her concentration to stay upright on the couch. Finally, she spoke. “How’d the conversation about the ring come about?”
“I told her my plan was to ask for your hand in marriage on Christmas Eve. I’ve been ring shopping, but the times we’ve looked together, either you didn’t get it or you didn’t think you’d ever get married.”
That made her laugh. “Ryan, I’m so sorry. I’m dense and I have no imagination,” she said, relaxing a little, but not a lot. “So what happened next?”
“We went right to the jeweler. Your mom said that when you were a little girl, you admired a ring that your grandmother wore. It was a square-cut emerald. The first ring we saw, Nancy said she thought you’d like. She was right, wasn’t she?”
April looked at the ring on her finger, lying in her lap. She forced herself to stretch her hand out and look at the ring. It was gorgeous, no matter who picked it out. Ryan was in love with her. He accepted her dysfunctional family, going way beyond her wildest expectations to help them.
She looked up at him, at his eyebrows up in question marks as he was apt to do when concerned, and it melted her heart. Throwing her arms around him again, she hugged him tight.
“I love the ring. You chose perfectly. It’s exactly the right ring for me, one I would have picked out myself if I weren’t so stubborn. That Nancy was able to pinpoint something about me so accurately just floors me. I guess she wasn’t as unaware as I thought.”
“It’s not my job to defend her or minimize what she put you through, April. Remember when I say this. She’s really trying. Sobriety is not coming easy for her, and she’s fighting for it because she knows what she’s missing.”
“She doesn’t deserve it,” April said. “I’m aware how childish that sounds. Poor me, my mommy was a drunk. Now I don’t want her to reap any of the rewards of having me for a daughter.”
Bursting out laughing, she knew she had to pull herself together or ruin what should be one of the most romantic moments of her life. Ryan cradled her in his arms.
“Boy, I really know how to put the kibosh on a joyous event,” April said.
“You’re fine. Let’s just enjoy the moment. All the planning, setting a date, we’ll do later. You’ve been avoiding it, but my folks want to meet you, too.”
April thought of her plebian self having to compete with patrician Kendra and the trail of hurt she’d left behind. She couldn’t deny Ryan this request.
“Okay, when should I meet them?”
“They’ll be in the city for the Radio City Music Hall Christmas Show tomorrow night. Can they come here beforehand? That way they can meet everyone.”
The first thought, which normally would also be the first response, was no way. Trying to envision Ryan’s Greenwich, Connecticut, parents in Nancy Earle’s Hell’s Kitchen brownstone, no matter its recent renovations, was impossible.
Taunts from her mother and brother rang through her memory. April’s in charge, or April’s got to have her way. April’s a control freak. She accepted that there was already some of that in her relationship with Ryan, and it suddenly frightened her. She had to have her own way because giving up control was terrifying. Could she trust Ryan to make the right choices? She supposed letting him pick the day and place to introduce his parents to the Beaulieu-Earle family was a place to start.
“Ryan, if you think they’ll be comfortable here, of course, tomorrow night is fine.”
“You’ve invited everyone and their brother, so the mix should be great.”
Giggling, April had to admit he was correct. David and Jamila were coming, and even Alex and Isabelle Cooper and their children. The Coopers were reconciling, to the secret amusement of Ryan and his partners.
There was no reason for her to be ashamed. Her house was on the mend. Her mother never looked better. The only bad thing that could happen was if Jamila got jealous enough to start a fight. She hadn’t done that in years, but she might be due.
“Ask them to come by tomorrow before their show. It will be nice. I have food coming; we can eat and visit. I’m nervous about meeting them, but that’s normal.”
“It’s very normal. My folks are regular people. You’ll see.”
“Do they know I’m black?” she asked, looking at him sidelong. Imagining that conversation—Mom, Dad, just so you’re not shocked, my girlfriend is black.
“They do, but only because I’ve sent them pictures. Their response is always, ‘She’s so beautiful.’ It’s true. Soon, they’ll find out you’re also smart and kind and have a gorgeous smile. Truthfully, I think they’ll be more shocked to discover that my assistant is a lesbian when they meet Esther and Roberta.”
“They’re so lovely, I bet your parents won’t think anything of it.”
At midnight, April got up, stretching from side to side. She went to the window and moved the new drape aside.
“It’s snowing again,” she said, yawning. “We’re going to have a white Christmas whether we want it or not.”
“I’d better get going before my car gets covered. I don’t think I have a scraper.”
“Use a credit card,” April replied. “I’ve seen that on TV.”
She reached her hand out for him and pulled him to her. “Thank you, fiancé.”
“Are you really going to call me that?” he asked. April was not prone to use endearing terms of any kind, even nouns. The thought made him chuckle.
“What?”
“You didn’t answer me.”
“No, I’ll probably never refer to you as my fiancé. Now, when we get married, you’ll be my husband, and I’ll say that with a vengeance in case your babes have any ideas.”
“No babes, I swear,” he said, holding her.
They yawned together, laughing, and walked to the door.
“I’ll see you at noon tomorrow for the first annual Beaulieu Christmas party.”
“Beaulieu-Lawson, you mean.”
“And you forgot Earle. Nancy won’t stand for it. It is her house.”
Reaching for his coat, she held it for him. Ryan held her again before he opened the door. “April, thank you. I’m so happy. I love you.”
“I love you, too,” she replied, embracing him.
“No, I mean I really love you,” he said, looking at her.
“I know, Ryan. And I really love you, too. I can’t believe how much.”
He reached for the doorknob and opened the door, a blast of freezing, wet snow blowing inside.
A quick additional kiss and he bounded down the steps. His car was parked down the street, and when he was out of her sight, April shut the door. Glancing into the living room, the fire was burning out, but she didn’t want to leave it unattended. An afghan folded over the back of the couch beckoned her to put her feet up and wait. She covered up with the blanket, looking at the fire, and then she remembered her ring and held her hand out to look at it. Feeling guilty, she should have made a bigger deal about it. She was engaged!
“I see he gave you the ring already.”
April turned around to find Nancy standing in the hallway, looking in. She hadn’t been in the living room for a long time, and tonight, with the new drapes and the fire going, the Christmas tree in the corner, it looked like a different room, like it could be the room where a normal family lived.
“He couldn’t wait,” April said, holding her hand for Nancy to see. “He was like a kid at Christmas.”
Nancy hesitantly walked into the room, her hand on her hip. She took her daughter’s slender hand in hers and examined the ring by firelight.
“Mommy, thank you for helping him choose the ring. We really don’t know each other that well to be buying expensive jewelry for each other.” She looked up at her mother. “I’m glad you were with him.”
“Ryan would have done okay alone,” she said, letting go. “Mind if I sit?”
“No, go ahead,” she said, moving her feet. “Why do you think he’d have been okay alone?”
“He saw the ring first,” Nancy said. “He asked me what I thought. The only thing I said on the way over was about Grandma’s ring.” She looked off into the fire again. “She left that ring to you. I sold it. I really had to.”
“I know, Mommy, it’s okay. It was just a ring.”
“My parents didn’t have a lot of common sense. They enabled me. I know it sounds like I’m blaming them, but I’m truly not. They didn’t want to admit I had a mental illness. It was just easier to allow me to do whatever I wanted, and they’d be around to pick up the pieces. When my mother died, I was lost. When those other two came, I would have murdered them if it wasn’t for you and Jake.”
“Mom, don’t,” April said, the admission too painful to hear.
“I won’t say much more, but I want you to understand how I got to be so dependent on you. You were strong. When Grandma died, you were only eight. You took over right away. We didn’t have a washer back in those days. My mother used the laundromat. It was attached to that dry cleaner’s, O’Doul’s.”
April pressed her lips together to keep from laughing. Neighborhood gossips said that the Irish guy at the cleaners was the father of one of the girls. She wouldn’t bring up that topic during a heartfelt conversation.
“You washed clothes by hand until I got it through my head that I needed to haul it to the laundromat. David was no help. But he was trying to keep his job when a lot of men were getting laid off that year. The nineties were not that great.”
“Mommy, I get it,” April said. “You don’t need to explain.”
“I’m sorry. It’s not fair to you, is it? I’m unloading. I want to tell you how sorry I am. I’m so proud of you.”
“Thank you,” April said. “That means a lot to me.”
“Does it? I wonder why. We must all be gluttons for punishment. Jake only now will even make eye contact. You never held anything against me.”
“I didn’t have the energy,” April admitted. “I set goals for myself, and I needed to take care of my sisters. That didn’t leave room for fighting with my mother.”
“Wow, I guess Dave is correct when he says you kids take after him, because I never set a goal in my life.”
“Mom, that’s not true. You set the most difficult goal and that was to go through with rehab. Don’t underestimate the effort.”
“What’s next for us?” Nancy asked, changing the subject.
“What’s next? Christmas. Then making sure my sisters have what they need to finish the school year. I guess I’m getting married. And I’m applying to law school next month. What about for you?”
“I’m going back to Florida. I want to come back here when I’m done, but it might be too difficult.”
Chills swept through April. Nancy had just said she was ostensibly going to leave her two teenaged children with her. Just when life was going to get more difficult for April, she once again wouldn’t be able to rely on her mother.
“Can I ask for something?”
“Of course. You’ve never asked me for anything for yourself.”
“Please come back. I really need you, Mom. I can’t go to law school and work full-time and have two young girls alone in this house.”
Nancy looked over at the Christmas tree, how its straight lines and beautiful decorations were a dichotomy in that house. April wasn’t asking for anything for herself. She was asking Nancy to do what she should be doing: caring for her own children. In a perfect world, she’d agree and admit she had a lapse of judgment, but she couldn’t do that. She was truly afraid that if she stayed in that house, in Hell’s Kitchen, she wouldn’t be able to stay sober. What she was doing was not taking one day at a time, and that was why she was scared. But she had to respect herself enough to be honest.
“I’ll do my best,” she said. “But remember, you have Jake and Michele here now, and when you get married, you’ll have Ryan.”
“We aren’t going to live here when we get married,” she said. It wasn’t true—they’d never discussed anything beyond what had happened tonight. He’d given her a ring. Now she was going to further enable Nancy by agreeing to start married life out caring for her two children who had a mother.
“And Jake and Michele shouldn’t, either.”
“I don’t know what to say to you,” Nancy replied. “I’m not sure I’d be a good parent sober, either. I don’t love my own kids.”
What kind of woman admitted such a thing? They both thought this. As much as the comment hurt her, only April was able to address it without rancor.
“Mom, it’s because you don’t know them. Both girls are supersmart. With guidance, they’re doing great in school. They worked their tails off to get this place ready for Christmas.”
She leaned forward, deciding the only way they’d survive the night was by changing the subject. “Ew, that’s another thing. Are you up to meeting the Lawsons tomorrow? I forgot Ryan asked if they could stop by. They won’t be here long. They have tickets to the Christmas Show in the evening.”
“It figures. Where did you say they came from again?” Nancy asked, but April ignored her, secretly agreeing but not wanting to bash the Lawsons.
“I’m up for it. Ryan’s a great guy. His parents can’t be all bad, right?” Nancy snickered, the implication being that she couldn’t be all bad either, because April and Jake had turned out so well.
“I’m looking forward to meeting them,” April said. “I think.”
“Ha! You’ll be fine. Pretend you’re in front of a jury.”
“I haven’t done that yet, Mom.”
“Well, I guess I’ll say goodnight. Thank you for listening to me. And congratulations on your engagement.”
“Goodnight, Mommy,” April said. She turned back to the fire, and suddenly Nancy was in her face, looming over her to kiss.
“Mom, you scared me to death!” April cried, rubbing her cheek.
“I’m sorry. I couldn’t remember the last time I kissed you, and I just couldn’t walk out of this room without doing it.”
April looked up at her mother, and some obtuse emotion, probably pride, wouldn’t allow her to give her mother a break. Then, mortified, tears welled up, threatening to spill over onto her face. She needed to speak, to address the kiss, but doing so would remove the fragile barrier she’d erected to protect herself from needing Nancy Earle.
“That’s okay,” she finally said, pinching her hand as hard as she could. Nancy wouldn’t know what was okay. Was it okay that she kissed her daughter? Or okay that she’d scared her to death? “Goodnight, Mom.”
Nancy finally left, to April’s relief. The moment she walked out of the room, the light from the fire died down.
The party at Nancy’s house started early, with just the inhabitants of the Tenth Avenue brownstone assembling in the kitchen for breakfast. Everyone but Nancy.
“I can’t get used to Jake doing the cooking,” Michele said. “My girlfriends tell me how lucky I am, but I keep thinking this will be the last meal he prepares, and then I’ll have to start doing it all like I did before this kitchen got finished.”
“Right! Don’t get used to it,” Courtney said, and everyone laughed.
“Did everyone hear April’s news?”
The family looked up to see Nancy walking in, a rare sight, even more so because once again she looked so good, with her hair combed and lipstick on and nice clothes.
April turned away, not wanting to make the morning about her. She was still getting used to the feel of the ring on her finger, and because they hadn’t set a date yet, the unpleasant sense that she was letting things unfold without being in control washed over her.
“What news?” Natalie asked, looking over her sister carefully. Then she saw it and screamed. “Oh my God! You’re engaged?”
The family went a little crazy about the beautiful ring, Jake rolling his eyeballs. “Oh great, now I have to outdo that rock?”
Michele giggled, kissing his cheek.
“I helped him pick it out!” Nancy said proudly, no one believing her.
Courtney snapped up her hand while the family circled around her. “You hussy! Why didn’t you tell me right away?”
April sputtered, laughing, finally relaxing. “He gave it to me late. I knew you’d see it today.”
“I’m a bridesmaid, right?” Natalie asked.
“Me too,” Courtney said.
“If I have a wedding, you’ll both be bridesmaids. Michele, too.”
“What do you mean if you have a wedding? Of course you’ll have one. When are you getting married?” Jake asked, pouring pancake batter into a frying pan.
“I have no idea,” she said, reaching for plates and placing them on the counter. “We haven’t talked about anything. His parents will be here this afternoon, and we’ll probably have to make a decision then when everyone’s here.”
“I didn’t sleep a wink after hearing that. Aren’t his parents from Connecticut? What will Nancy Earle from Hell’s Kitchen have to say to them?” Nancy said.
“Mom, you’ll figure it out. Please, just relax and everyone have fun today. Alex Cooper will be here, so there will be plenty of sports talk.”
“Our parties will be famous,” Courtney said, walking around with her pinkie finger crooked in the air, the others laughing hysterically.
“The food will be here at one, so hopefully everyone I told to come at noon will be late,” April said.
