Simulated, p.31
Simulated, page 31
My stomach squeezes into a knot. Every number says he is hiding his true thoughts. He doesn’t want to hurt me. How will I ever get the truth from him? If he won’t tell me what he really wants, I’ll never know if I am the one stopping him from his dreams. Unless…I finger my lips.
There is one piece of PSS tech I have left. One I swore I’d never use. Never thought I’d have to. Until now.
I lean down and kiss him.
Chapter 67
SWAY'S SERUM WORKS instantly. The irises of his eyes sway large and small, and he slurs his words. “Trouble, what’d you do? The room is spinning.”
“Of course, it is,” I joke. “I kissed you.”
He laughs. “That would do it. Your power over me is much stronger than I like to admit.” He groans and grabs his ribs.
I move my hand to gently touch his bandaged chest, my insides squirming at his labored breath, the cuts traversing his ribcage, his swollen face.
Sway is fully operational, and yet he gains his bearing and focus on me much quicker than what I heard was normal. Pens says it’s like a bad headache, or a thick hangover, a haze over your mind. It’s not surprising Kai is fighting it. He’s strong.
“Kai, can I ask you a question?” I ask, sitting down next to him.
“Anything.”
“Why do you want to be an agent?”
“So you can sleep at night.” He takes my messy strands of hair between his fingers. “I made you a promise. I won’t let you live in a world where anything bad can happen to you, where anyone like Madame exists. I want you safe, always.”
I bring his hand to my lips and kiss his fingers. “There’s more to it than that. Please tell me.”
“Why? What’s wrong?” Kai knows me too well, even with Sway in his system.
“I know you were offered a long-term undercover position,” I say, directly.
“I was going to tell you.” His eyes try to focus on mine but fail to stay still. “How did you find out about it?” His head is swaying.
“That doesn’t matter,” I say. “I just need to know what you want, Kai? Not for me, but for yourself.”
He’s fighting Sway, trying to hold back what is inside. “I love you, Jo.”
“I know you do.” This boy is hard to crack. “But what else?”
He finds my hand and squeezes hard. His eyes roll, like he doesn’t want to say what’s next but does anyway.
“Remember when you were in the Pratt, and Red taught you to claim your gift and find the destiny you’d always dreamed of? The purpose you felt? You knew you had to do it. You could never go back to a normal life, even if it hurt?”
I smile sadly. “I remember.”
“That changed my life. You changed my life. I can’t explain it, but that’s how I feel when I’m out there, like there are lives that only I can save. That I’m brave and quick for a reason. It’s like your gift, but invisible. A compass inside me, guiding me.” Kai takes a deep breath, head wavering heavily now. “You gave me the greatest treasure, Jo. You woke me up.”
“Five minutes until Director Kane arrives.” K2 warns, but I don’t need a watch anymore. I knew that before it spoke. It’s comforting, knowing I can beat a machine.
Kai ignores K2. “I’ve always wanted to save the world. And I know I can do this job. But I won’t leave you.” He shrugs. “Not for 1-3 years…”
“You told Director Kane I’m not waiting for you.”
He grips his head. “How did you hear that?” His eyes narrow, full of hurt. It’s not fair, our conversation. He has no way to lie right now, but I don’t want him making the wrong decision because of me. My numbers are back, and I need to know what he wants, what I want.
“You’re not waiting, Jo. I’m the one waiting. For you. You think I can read you so well, but I don’t always know how you really feel even if I act like I do. I know you care. But…” The tone in his voice stings because it’s true. I’ve never told him how I really feel. “Jo, maybe you don’t see it, but you’re the one who needs to make a choice. Even now, I see there’s something bothering you, but you won’t tell me what it is.” He grabs my hands, his big brown eyes looking up at me. “But if you love me and you want me to give up this job. I’ll choose you.” He coughs, and swallows hard. His eyes struggling to focus.
My heart soars like we’re back in the helicopter. He’s telling the truth. He’d give it up. He’s proven that a hundred times, but how could I let him? Since I met him, he’s done nothing but make sacrifices for me.
The sim in my old bedroom with my mom returns. “People who love each other also make sacrifices for each other.”
Time freezes as I look at him. His dark eyes sink into mine, and my heart crushes inside me. He’s one of the most loyal men I know, willing to give it all up for the woman he loves. But Kai was born to be a hero. Born to save lives. He needs to do this for himself. I won’t make him give up his destiny for me.
As much as it hurts, it’s my turn to make a sacrifice for him.
Three months without my gift altered me drastically. One week with Noble showed me a world I didn’t even know existed. What will happen in a year or two without Kai?
Ninety-six seconds left.
“You’re silent. Even if you don’t love me now,” Kai says, his shields fully down. Then as if to stick the knife deeper into my heart, he says, “I’ll wait. You’re what keeps me alive out there. You’re my center.”
I grip his hands tighter. His eyes battle the chemicals that lurk in his conscience. He’s so strong. The world needs him. I need him. And yet, for the first time, I grasp the weight of his love in my heart. Like gold. It’s so pure, so real, it finally pushes me over the threshold I never thought I could cross.
“Kai,” I say, a hot tear trailing down my cheek. “Truth is, I love you. So much…” Once the words are out of my mouth, a freedom I’ve never known is unlocked in me. “I love you, Kai.” I lean over him, our lips brushing.
He grabs my face and kisses me over and over again. “That’s all I’ve ever wanted to hear.” Our kiss intensifies like floodgates, once held back, are now broken down. I count his heartbeats between our breaths. The number of months, and days, and hours, we have been together. Memories and dates where he chose me are logged and filed away. All his smiles and touches and habits are numerically defined and written.
Two people who love each other is a beautiful mystery. There may not be a formula to follow, but there is evidence of what makes it grow. Eventually, our kiss turns tender, and he nestles his head into my hair and breathes deep. It’s even clearer now, what I have to do.
K2’s warning beeps again. My time is up.
“Goodbye, Kai,” I say, wiping a tear off my face and already missing our slow walks on the beach. “I love you.”
With those three words, I’ve made him the happiest man alive. Unfortunately, by tomorrow he won’t remember I ever said them.
Chapter 68
THERE IS NO red button in real life. We can’t opt out of difficult phases. Instead, we have to face them, head on, with our eyes open, looking for that small trace of infinity and order in the chaos.
I step out of the room where the medic rushes me to the back door. I exit the safe house and step into the chilly desert air. Noble is waiting for me, like a beacon, like a balm…like a perfect storm.
“Hey.” His frame, perfectly numbered and his voice a low whisper. Our frequency collides now with my gift fully turned on and alive. He’s watching me and I’m watching him.
I wipe my eyes. “Did the sims work for the confessions?”
“All of them. It’s done.” He says, moving closer to me, leading me toward his Jeep parked down the way. “And Harrison was right. Ms. T sent a squad of detectives out to find me. I have 30 minutes to get out of town.”
I shake my head. “I’m sorry.”
“How’s Kai?”
I can’t answer. All the words are caught in my throat. I’m tightening my lips and locking my jaw.
He frowns, seeing my face. He knew this was going to happen. Only he thought it would be Kai leaving me…
He wraps his arms around me. “It’s going to be ok.” His words slay me. I shove my face into his chest, and breathe him in. He’s lying. Nothing is going to be ok. He’s leaving too…but hearing the words makes me feel better.
Noble opens the car door and I hop in. I don’t even ask where we’re going. I know it’s not his family’s camp—that place is compromised now since Ms. T knows who he is.
Noble’s quiet as he drives, calculating the right moment to speak. And we have a lot to talk about.
I never believed in coincidence—and without a doubt, Mandel, or Noble, prepared me for this exact moment in time. And if he’s anything like me, his numbers are spinning with possibilities and sliding puzzle pieces together to make sense of the week. But numbers only go so far. They don’t open a person’s soul and share its secrets.
But they do tell me this. There’s more I need to know about Noble. He’s uncharted territory, like my new gift. I need time to map him out and understand him. But time was never in our favor. You have five days. And that’s over.
He drives, his hands on the wheel, looking straight ahead.
“Where will you go?” I ask.
“Another haven I have out in the wild.” He’s ambiguous on purpose. It’s smart. It’s better I don’t know. I don’t want to know, just in case PSS grills me.
He pulls over where another van is parked by the entrance of a highway. Someone is slumped over the driver’s wheel.
“Who’s that?” I ask.
“Qadar. Ms. T called. They’ve handed everything over to the security council. She ordered him to drive you back tonight.” He sighs.
“How can he?” I ask, shocked he even made it this far. “He can barely move.”
“He’s stronger than you think.” We hop out. Noble walks over to the van and opens the door. Qadar gets out, staggering like he’s still drunk. Noble says something in Arabic, hugs him, then returns to me.
He swings open the back of the Jeep and grabs a full bag. “Farah packed your stuff. And here are your sim glasses back.” He takes out a small chip and puts it in my hand. “Give this to PSS.”
“What is it?”
“Ms. T may have been right. I’ve hacked into everything. I also broke into the PSS main server and other secure files. PSS has fun toys.”
“Harrison told me.” I look at the chip before putting it in my pocket.
“On the chip are solutions to many of the problems the team has been working on. I just wanted to help.” He shrugs. “I’m working on being normal, remember? For what it’s worth, tell Ms. Taylor I’m sorry, and tell Harrison I admire his work.”
Every number around us is squeezing me to pieces.
“Noble,” I say. “I’m the one who’s sorry. I’m the reason you have to leave. The smartdust from my earring on the rooftop of the Bardo, you knew what I was doing. Why did you let me do it?”
He skims my ears where both earrings are gone now. “I took a risk on my numbers—and you. I had to believe in this moment right here, where you’d see me for who I am and trust me…and that you’d let me go.”
Noble’s frequency skips like mad raindrops on puddles. My gift tries to predict his numbers, like building blocks, and yet nothing is more unquantifiable than the emotions rocking between us. It scares me.
We walk to his Jeep. “You know I have to go, if I don’t want to get caught.” His jaw locks.
“Mandel. I ruined everything…” My mind is clouded over. Everything is jumbled, because I love Kai, but what is it I feel for this boy?
My numbers tell me plainly that confusion makes the worst mistakes, and hasty decisions are usually wrong. But the smell of his skin, fire smoke and cardamom, seem to balm my pain of saying goodbye to Kai. Even with my gift I can’t think clearly. This is Mandel. Everything in me bounces from past to present, spiraling with a dangerous question, what if? I don’t know what I’m doing because every sensation is teetering on the edge of my skin. What if I never see him again?
I step up to him. My hands slide over his waist. I lift my eyes to him. Our eyes are locked in one of our intense battles but now they sing with numbers, clashing with my hurt of losing Kai and the joy of finding Mandel. That bewilderment and hurt becomes reckless, a part of me I don’t recognize. All I notice now are his jaw, his lips, soon my fingers curl around his neck all while pictures of Kai war in my head. I don’t know what I’m doing.
Noble exhales hard, then removes my hands. “Jo.” An equation shows the redirection of his strength to change his motion. He’s restraining himself. “You’re making it really difficult for me.”
“Questions have burned in me all night…” I whisper.
“Me too, but…”
“But what? What is this?” I motion between us, our obvious connection. “Our past. We just found each other and…”
“Jo,” he says, gently, brushing my hair behind my ears. “I’ve wanted to kiss you since I was thirteen. I’ve loved you since the first time we spoke…but I’ve wanted it for the right reasons. Right now, your head is too full and I’m not the only one in it. Without honor, things are spoiled. This is one thing I don’t want to risk ruining. I’ve waited too long, but I’m willing to wait some more for the right moment.”
I run my hand through my hair, my face on fire. My eyes shoot to the ground, focusing on the sixteen pebbles in the sand by our feet. What was I thinking?
“You need time to understand this new gift,” he says. “Things might change now. And whether I want to admit it or not, you need time to understand what you want.”
He’s talking about Kai…
He digs his feet into the sand. “Jo. I claimed Kai only loved you because of the trouble and danger.” His gaze is steel. “It’s not true. I watched him write your name in the sand twenty-two times. Whisper your name in his sleep eight times. You were never just trouble to him. Wherever he was, you were on his mind.”
My heart crushes inside me. “Why are you telling me this now?”
“I want you to choose me for the right reasons. It’s a risk I’m willing to take.”
He draws me into his arms and pulls me close. My face buries in his chest. It’s new and familiar at the same time. I don’t know what to make of it, and time won’t give me a penny.
“How can I find you?” I ask.
His lips warm my forehead with a kiss, and his hand slips down my arm, then away from my hand. “It’s all written in the stars, Jo.”
He climbs in the Jeep and closes the door. I watch him drive away until the frequency fades and the dust settles. After ten minutes, an engine rumbles. Qadar is signaling me. It reminds me when I get back to Tunis I’ll have to face Ms. T.
I head over to the van.
Qadar stumbles out. “It’s time to go back.” His voice is slurred.
I shake my head at his half-closed eyes and crooked stature. “You can’t drive. You need to rest for at least a few more hours.”
“You’re my responsibility. My charge. I’m taking you back.” He attempts to stand straighter, but fails, catching himself on the car door. Noble was right. Qadar is strong and won’t admit defeat.
“You can take me back, but I’m driving.” I slip past him, into the driver’s seat, and buckle up. “Get in.”
“You don’t know the way.”
I look up at the night sky, a laugh on my lips. A highway of coordinates, speeds and distances have already calculated in my mind. “The map is in my head and you can’t stop me.”
Qadar gives me a funny glance like he’s heard that from someone before. Without arguing further, he climbs into the back seat, and collapses with a thunk. I glance into the rearview mirror but can’t meet his eyes because they’re already closed. A smirk plays on his face. “Your goals are my goals.”
Chapter 69
THE DRIVE BACK to Tunis is a desert of fractals, questions, and dreams. My view is different, like I’m a year older and an inch taller, and can finally see above the counter.
The equations around me have changed, pointing to things I don’t yet understand. Which is why I know I still have a lot to learn. I’m a child on a journey, learning how to read life backwards, so I can see.
Red was right. Each year, we shed a layer and grow, whether we want to or not. The truth is we’re better for it. We’re made to grow. Sometimes that process means we lose our perspectives like the leaves of last year. So that when they grow back, they’re fresh and new in the right season. Maybe that’s why treasure is often buried in the ground. You have to dig for it. You have to go low and believe it’s there even when you can’t see it. And sometimes you get dirty. It’s humbling, but Red always used to say true humility would always win you the best seat at the table.
Seven hours and nine minutes later, the inky blue-black gives way to pinks and purples as dawn breaks over the capital up ahead. Qadar, who slept most of the way, is awake and stable now. He climbs into the front passenger seat.
“Any water?” he asks. “My mouth is as dry as Douz.” He finds a bottle Noble must have packed. After several long gulps and a pause, he finally speaks again. “I’m not flying back with you. Ms. Taylor doesn’t think it’s necessary.”
I glance over at the giant, a pang in my heart at the thought of saying goodbye to him. Qadar’s the only person, apart from Noble, who knows what really happened on this trip. Who knows what Noble feels for me. A part of me longs to be back at Farah’s tents with hot mint tea, oranges and olives but I’m going home to Seattle. Alone.
“Where do you think he’ll go?” I ask.
Qadar looks out his window. “He never says. He’ll let me know he’s ok when he gets settled.”
“Do you think he’ll try to find me?” I keep my hands on the wheel, and eyes focused on the road.
“He’s tried to find you for as long as he’s lived with me.” He smirks. “What do those odds tell you?”
