Multiverse mashup omnibu.., p.36
Multiverse Mashup Omnibus, page 36
“It’s the kitchen,” he said. “This kitchen.” He leaned further out, so he could see around the portal to the far wall. “Girl, this is freaking me right the hell out. I’m not afraid to say it and I am afraid of almost everything.”
“It’s the same room,” I said. “The same room in the other universe, I mean. But it’s different. The walls are a different color, for one thing. And that cabinet is a completely different design. I wish I could see more of the room.”
“Could someone go through it? Not that I’m volunteering.”
“I could, but it’ll vanish without much warning and I don’t want to get stuck.”
He let go of my waist and came to stand beside me. “So what does it mean? Why is the kitchen different?”
“Could just be that the universes aren’t completely identical. That’s pretty common. Or, I don’t know. Does anything look familiar to you?”
“Hmm.” He bit his lip. “Maybe.” He took out his phone, turned on a flashlight app, and aimed the light into the portal. He flashed it over the cabinets. The doors were hanging open and the shelves were empty. He focused the light on one of the cabinet’s handles. “Yes. I’d recognize that tacky brass anywhere.” He shined the light up the wall. “And that horrible color. Who paints a kitchen red?”
“So?”
“This is what the kitchen looked like when I started working here, a little over two years ago. I convinced Jane to remodel. Girl frosts like an angel but has no eye for decor.”
The toilet flushed. “Are you talking about me again?”
“Okay,” I said. “That tells us something. Thanks.”
“What? Are these…” He gasped. “Are these portals through time? Will I be two years younger if I step through?”
I laughed. “No. I think it means that the zombie apocalypse probably happened at least two years ago.”
“Is that useful?”
“Anything’s useful.” I stepped to the far side of the portal, trying to see more of the room. A tiny red light up in the corner, near the ceiling, caught my eye. “What’s that? Smoke detector?”
He joined me. “No. Smoke detector was in the same place it is now, across the room. I don’t know what that is. I don’t remember anything being there.”
“Give me your phone.”
“Just because it’s the apocalypse we forget our manners?”
“May I please see your phone?”
He dropped it into my palm. “You may.”
I shined it up into the corner.
Alex gasped. “Oh. I’m sure that wasn’t there.”
It was a camera. A video camera, mounted to the wall on a small hydraulic arm. It was pointed directly at us.
I put my arm around Alex, and sidestepped with him, slowly, across the face of the portal.
With a quiet whir, the camera turned to follow us. Once we had moved far enough that we couldn’t see it, the sound stopped.
“What does that mean?” Alex whispered.
“It means someone on the other side is watching.”
Eight
I was sitting alone at a table in a cozy little French restaurant in the East Village. Jane and her date, Darren, were seated next to me. I played with my main course, an incredibly delicious cheesy seafood quiche thing, trying to eat slowly so I wouldn’t finish before they did. I tried to think through the implications of the camera in Jane’s alternate-universe bakery, but Jane and Darren’s banal conversation kept distracting me.
“So you went to college with Alex?” Jane asked. “He said you were part of the same circle of friends?”
Darren nodded. “That’s right. He was our gay friend.”
This seemed to me like an outrageously offensive thing to say, but Jane didn’t even blink. “Sure. He’s mine, too.”
I flagged down the passing server. “Can I get another glass of wine?”
“Everyone should have one,” Darren said. “He taught me how to accessorize.”
I called after the server, “Quickly, please.”
Jane heard and shot me a nasty look. I stuck my tongue out at her.
She cleared her throat. “And he said you work on Wall Street?”
“Sure do,” Darren replied. “I made a killing this year, shorting on some pharmaceutical companies. Shorting is when you…”
“Oh, I know,” Jane interrupted. “It’s like betting against them, right? You do well if their stock goes down?”
“That’s right. Good for you!”
“Why did you bet against them?”
“It’s complicated. I don’t want to bore you with topics that’ll just go over your head.”
She grinned, but her teeth looked somewhat gritted. “Try me.”
He shrugged. “All right. In simple terms, they adopted new policies that were against their own interests. A stockholders’ resolution steered them towards lowering their prices on some rare medications.”
“Like what kind?”
“Like AIDS medications, cancer medications. Treatments for terminal complications that only affect a small percentage of sufferers. It’s not cost-effective to charge so low for them.”
Jane put her fork down. “Sounds like they were trying to help people.”
“They’re pharmaceutical companies. They’re not supposed to help people. They’re supposed to make money for their stockholders.”
My server brought me my wine. “Please keep these coming,” I said.
“So you bet against them?” Jane said. “You bet that what they did would make their stock go down?”
“I bet on human nature, is what I did.” He raised his glass. “And I was right! It’s been a hell of a year. Here’s to me!”
Jane took a sip of her wine, but didn’t clink her glass against his. He held it out for a moment longer, then took a swig.
“Okay,” he said. “I feel like things got awkward there. Why don’t we talk about something more to your liking. Alex says you’re a baker?”
“I make desserts,” she said. “Mostly cakes.”
“Do you work in a restaurant?”
“I own my own bakery. Didn’t Alex tell you he works for me?”
He smacked his hand against his forehead. “Right. Sorry. He squeals so much I tune him out half the time.”
I spun in my seat and lifted my knife up. Darren’s back was to me, but Jane saw me and her eyes widened. I mimed stabbing Darren in the back, then mouthed, “Please, please let me,” to Jane.
Jane laughed into her glass. Darren turned around and I turned my stabbing into a wave to the server.
“Can I see a dessert menu?” I called. I nodded and smiled at Darren. “I don’t want to wait until the last minute to choose. I hear they have great cake here and I just love cake. Don’t you love cake?”
Darren gave me a baffled smile then turned back to Jane, who was covering her laughter with her napkin.
Darren jumped in his chair. “What was that?”
“What was what?” Jane asked.
“There was a flash of light. Right above your shoulder.”
“Oh, that. It keeps happening. Just ignore it.”
He chuckled. “Are you attracting fireflies or something?”
“No, I’m attracting portals to another universe or something.”
“What’s that, now?”
With another flash of light, a portal opened in the air, just between Darren and me. It was a few feet wide and the bottom of it was about waist-high off the ground. Through it I could see the ruins of the very same French restaurant in the other world. A handful of zombies wandered about. They spotted the light shining through from our side and slowly turned to look.
“Oh, crap.” I jumped out of my seat, still gripping my steak knife.
Jane stood up with a gasp, and under the portal I saw Darren’s chair move.
“What the hell?” he yelled.
The other patrons and the wait staff were all staring at the portal. The host ran over to me.
“Excuse me, sir,” he said, “but we don’t allow magic tricks in the restaurant. Not after the sword-swallowing debacle last year.”
“I am dying to hear that story,” I answered, “but this is no magic trick and you need to please…back up!”
I shouted the last two words as I pushed the host out of the way of the first zombie to reach the portal. It shot its arms through, grasping madly for my throat.
Jane ran over to join me. “What do we do?”
“Wait for it to close,” I said. “It can’t come all the way through, the portal is too high. We need to keep everyone away until it’s gone.”
Jane got to work clearing back some patrons who had come over to investigate. My attention turned to my server, who was approaching with the dessert menu. While I was distracted, Darren ducked around to my side of the portal.
“Is this one of those theme restaurants, like Jekyll and…urgh!”
The zombie grabbed Darren around the throat and pulled him towards its gaping maw. I wrenched the financier free and pushed him down into my vacated seat.
“Hey! Watch the suit!”
Darren jumped back up and gave me an angry shove. I toppled backwards into the waiting arms of the undead creature. I felt more arms grab me, from other zombies crowding against the portal. I pulled myself forward, trying to steer clear of their teeth, and commanded my clothes to toughen and spread up over my neck, hoping it would offer some protection.
I pulled my right arm free of the clutching appendages, but in doing so I dropped the steak knife.
I heard the gurgling moan of the first zombie in my right ear. The stench of the fetid air moving through its ruined throat and out its mouth was nauseating.
Jane ran to me, the knife in her hand. She lifted it, her arm shaking.
“Do it!” I choked out.
She held the blade up for a moment, her arm tense and shaking, but then gave out a choked sob and lowered it. She pressed the knife into my hand and turned away.
I brought the knife up into the first zombie’s head. The blade sunk into its eye socket, all the way up to the handle. It released me and I was able to pull away from the other creatures’ weaker grips. I spun around and pulled the knife free. The zombie fell to the floor of the other restaurant and disappeared from view. Another moved to fill the space, but I dispatched that one the same way. As it fell back, the portal closed, neatly severing a third zombie’s hand. It dropped to the carpet with a soft thud.
The restaurant was quiet. Everyone stared.
I stepped around Darren and retook my seat. I looked down at my quiche.
“Excuse me?” I said to the server. “I’m going to need a new knife.”
“What the hell was that about?” Darren yelled. “Was this some kind of practical joke?”
“I’m sorry, Darren,” Jane said. “We can just go…”
He stepped away from her. “I’m not going anywhere with you. Damn. Alex told me you were desperate, now I see why.”
He stormed out of the restaurant, almost bowling over a waiter on the way. The frazzled host returned to our tables, though he stayed at arm’s length from me.
“Sorry I shoved you,” I said. “I didn’t want you to get eaten.”
“Quite all right, sir,” he replied. “Er…that won’t happen again, will it? We can’t have…”
I nodded after Darren. “He did it. Evil special effects technician. We’re just innocent diners, caught up in his madness and cruelty.”
“Yes…quite. Well, then.” He looked down at the severed hand on the carpet. “I’ll have this…cleaned up…”
I picked it up. “I’ll take it with me when we go. Souvenir. It’s so lifelike.”
I used my spanner to make my pants pocket larger and tucked the hand inside. Kind of bulgy but I’d manage. It didn’t feel right to let the busboy clean up medical waste.
The host forced a smile and nodded. “Very good.”
The restaurant returned to normal, the show over and already almost forgotten. Jane sighed and sank into her chair, propping her chin on her hand.
“I ruined my night out.”
I grabbed my quiche and my wine from my table and took Darren’s seat. “No, he ruined your night out by being an ass. What was Alex thinking setting you up with that jerk?”
She shook her head. “He’s gay. He probably didn’t look past Darren’s square jaw and tight butt.”
“That’s a horrible thing to say.”
She lifted her head. “What?”
I picked up Darren’s fork and pointed it at her. “And what was that before, about Alex being your gay friend?”
“He is my gay friend.”
“I know but it was the way you said it. Like he’s filling a quota. Do you have a black friend, too?”
“Of course I do! Her name is Charlene. I only ever see her when we have a girls’ night out. She doesn’t talk much. Mostly she sits on the side and laughs.”
I dropped the fork and buried my face in my hands. “I hate this world.”
She sniffed. “Well, sorry it’s not perfect, like whatever post-racial utopia you come from.”
I laughed. “My world’s pretty prejudiced, too, actually. We’re just a little more aware of it.” I frowned. “Or maybe we’re not. I don’t know.”
She lifted her wine glass. “Here’s to imperfect worlds, and those of us stuck living in them.”
I toasted with mine. “Here, here.”
We both took large swigs. I took a bite of my quiche, but Jane just looked down at her meal and sighed.
“You can’t be this upset about the Wuss of Wall Street?” I asked.
“No, not him. My friends are right. I’m hopeless. I haven’t had a long-term relationship since I opened the bakery, and that’s over three years now.”
“You’ve been building a business. That probably takes a lot of your time.”
“There’s always time for romance.”
“So I keep hearing. It’s really that important to you?” I took another sip of wine.
She nodded. “Of course. Everyone needs someone.”
“Says who?”
“Says everyone. What’s life without someone to share it with?”
“But you have people to share it with. You have Darla and Paul. And Alex. And Charlene and the other girls’ night out ladies. Do you have family?”
She rolled her eyes. “Don’t bring up my mother if you’re trying to convince me that it’s okay to be single. She would not agree.”
“Sounds like our mothers would get along.” I stabbed a piece of quiche with my fork, then pointed it at her. “My point is, romance isn’t the be-all, end-all, no matter what the rest of the world is telling you.” The quiche fell off my fork, sliding off the tablecloth and landing on the floor with a cheesy splat. “Crap.” I used my knife to scrape it back onto the fork. “Five second rule.”
She made a disgusted face. “You wouldn’t.”
I shrugged, smiled, and ate it.
She laughed. “That’s gross.”
“I have a severed hand in my pocket. My tolerance for gross stuff is pretty high.”
“So, are you seeing anyone? With table manners like that somebody must have snatched you right up.”
“No, I’m unattached. Although…”
“I knew there’d be an ‘although.’”
“There is…Ooh! Don’t move!”
Jane froze. A small portal, about the size of a plate, had appeared just above her head. I took the hand out of my pocket and tossed it. It arced through the air and fell neatly through the hole without touching the sides.
I threw my arms up. “Yes! Nothing but net!”
Jane looked up just in time to see the portal vanish. She laughed and shook her head, then leaned forward. “So?”
“So?”
“You’re unattached, although…”
“Oh. I do have a…friend. My best friend. And we fool around sometimes. We’re not dating. We made it clear that we were just friends with benefits.”
She grabbed a roll and started buttering it, nodding. “I’ve been there. With a college buddy. Feelings got in the way, though. They always do.”
I fiddled with my wine glass, swishing the dark liquid around the rim. “I thought they wouldn’t, but lately it seems like he wants more, and I don’t know if I can give it to him. I mean, I really, really care for him, and if it were going to be anyone, I guess it would be him…but I don’t know if I want it to be anyone, you know?”
She didn’t respond. I looked up to see that she had punctured the roll with her knife.
“Did you say ‘him?’” she asked quietly.
“Is that a problem?”
“No!” she said a little too quickly. She resumed buttering her roll frantically. “Of course not! I mean, Alex is gay and I love Alex. I can have two gay friends, that’s not unusual. I think. It’s great, good for you. I’m happy for you.” She stopped, put the roll down, and took a breath. “I’m so sorry.”
“It’s fine.”
“That was embarrassing. I don’t why that surprised me so much.”
“I enjoyed it.”
She smiled. “I’m glad me acting like an idiot makes you happy.” She sat back in her chair, giving me a rather intense stare.
“What?”
“I guess I can tell you this now…”
“Tell me what?”
She blushed. “I was starting to have some inappropriate thoughts about you.”
I folded my arms. “Really.”
She laughed and took a big bite of her roll. “Oh, yeah,” she said through a mouthful of bread. “Girlfriend, you have got abs for days. Plus, you saved my life. It’s hard not to fall for the knight in shining armor just a little.” She swallowed. “Whoo! I’m glad that’s out. I guess the sexual tension here was entirely on my side, but it’s nice to have it done with anyway.” She looked in the bread basket. “Oh, yay, I can safely try this garlic butter now.”
I stretched my arms behind my head. “Abs for days, huh?”
She took out the small white dish filled with garlic butter and started spreading the topping on the rest of her roll. “Oh, like you don’t know. It makes sense, gay guys always have great bodies.” She sighed, then took another bite. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but you don’t seem gay to me. I mean, Alex is so…”
