THE WORM

  Playing protector to a runaway puppy-faced poodle, Kaiser Wrench trades barbs and lead with crooked politicos, snarling hoods, and sex-hungry females.

  The Worm

  A Poached Parody

  P.C. HATTER

  Also known as Stacy Bender

  Byrnas Books

  This is a work of fiction. All of the characters, places, and events portrayed in this book are either products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously.

  The Worm

  Copyright © 2020 by Stacy Bender

  All rights reserved. This book, or parts thereof, may not be reproduced in any form without permission.

  Cover design by Elizabeth Mackey

  Art by Sara “Caribou” Miles

  CHAPTER 1

  The brownstone mocked me as I approached, a silent façade in the night. Would things be the same? A lot could happen in a very short time. I’d changed, had she?

  A lot of people were trying to find her, most were dead now. I was the last tiger standing. What the female knew would have more bodies sent to the processing plants. But that’s not what had my heart racing or palms sweating.

  I noticed the faint scratches next to the doorbell labeled Case, marking out the letter V in Morse code. The click of the automatic lock on the door sounded loud in the night as I passed into the vestibule of the building and headed toward the apartment door.

  Using the same Morse code, I tapped out the letter Y on the door panel, paused, then tapped out the letter R. I heard the sound of a bolt slide back and the doorknob turned. When it opened, she was there, gun ready for any event. The lynx before me hadn’t changed. Dark eyes, lush fur, and tuffs on the tips of her ears that made you want to reach over and play with them. It was almost as if no time had passed.

  “Hello, Velvet.”

  “Kaiser.”

  She came into my arms in a rush. I crushed her to me, running my hands over her body, and breathing in her scent. She was real, not a dream. I kicked the door closed and took the gun from her hand, dropping it in the chair. Somehow, I managed to switch on the light and still keep hold of the lynx, my lynx.

  Her beauty hadn’t changed, though now there was a subtle leanness to her of someone who spent time in the jungle.

  “Hello, cub,” I said, making her smile.

  “Oh, Kaiser, I—”

  “It’s okay.”

  “Are you all right?”

  “I am now.”

  Velvet ran a hand over the fur of my cheek. “Something’s different.”

  “It’s been awhile. I thought you were dead.”

  Tears welled up in her eyes and threatened to spill over. “I couldn’t get a message through.”

  “It’s okay.”

  “I’m sorry it took so long. Once I learned everything I could from the Ram, getting home was—”

  “But you made it. You’re here now and in one piece.”

  She closed her eyes and hugged me close. “I could have made another choice.”

  “No, you couldn’t. Besides, you made the right one.”

  “But—”

  “You made the right choice.”

  “What happened to you, Kaiser?”

  “I became a drunk until I heard your name. The thought of you still being alive sobered me up faster than anything else.”

  “Oh, Kaiser.”

  I pulled her up into my arms, carried her to the couch, and we settled into the soft cushions. Her lips found mind and tasted of hungry desire.

  “Why did we ever wait?” she asked as she pulled away enough to tug at my tie.

  “Do you mind waiting a little longer?”

  Velvet stopped what she was doing and looked at me with ears forward. “What?”

  “I want to do this right.”

  “Kaiser Wrench, I have half a mind to rip your clothes off and tie you down.”

  “Sounds interesting. We could wake up a judge, or do you think the night courts would be available?”

  “The way I’m feeling, we’d spend our honeymoon in jail for indecent exposure.”

  Before I could say anything, we were rudely interrupted.

  “Isn’t that just sweet.” The lion had the .38 leveled right at us. Velvet and I, limbs wrapped around each other, couldn’t get to my .45 without ending up full of holes.

  I held up a hand and pulled away from Velvet, trying to think of a way out of this situation.

  The lion kept talking. “Should’a figured a looker like you would be getting action, but why pick that old rug?”

  “Would you have preferred his place?”

  The lion sniggered. “Been watching you for four days.”

  If It wasn’t for her hand at my back, I would have gone for my gun. Velvet was thinking while I just wanted to react.

  “And I never knew,” she said.

  “If I get rid of the rug, we could have a fun time.”

  “You pull that trigger, and you’ll have the neighbors calling the cops.”

  “That’s fine, I’m only here for the pup, anyway. Haul her out, and you can stay alive.”

  I had to scoff at that and drew the lion’s attention.

  “Don’t believe me rug? Aren’t you a bright one?”

  Velvet and I moved as one, knowing we needed to try something, anything. If it wasn’t for the two badgers who came through the door skewing the lions aim one of us would have been dead. Instead the door slammed into his back and the shot went into the ceiling. The lion twisted as he fell, but the smaller badger scored two shots into his throat.

  My own raincoat hindered me, and I was slow to pull my .45, but that didn’t make any difference to the larger badger. He took a shot at me but only managed to hit a whisker. My .45 put a nice hole in his skull. The smaller badger pointed his gun at me. Too bad he hadn’t made sure the lion was dead. The big cat aimed his .38 and plugged the male right in the gut.

  The badger stumbled back, called for someone that he’d been hit, and scurried out the door.

  I kicked the gun out of the lion’s hand and tried following, but the badger had a car waiting and was gone by the time I got to the street. Back inside, I checked the dead badger and recognized him as a thug I knew. The lion took a while.

  “Kaiser, do you know them?”

  “Yeah, this one’s Milo Bennett. Ex-private detective with a bad habit of doing more than breaking the rules. The badger’s Ziggy Freeman, a gun for hire. Both of them have done time.”

  Velvet’s eyes were filled with fear.

  “They’re from a different case, Velvet. They’re not spooks. Who’s this pup they’re after?”

  Some of the tension left her body, and she glanced up at the floor above us. “She’s just a young thing.”

  “Only you would take in a stray being chased down by thugs while you were in danger.”

  “I’ve been in similar positions, Kaiser.”

  “Noted. Are you going to tell me about her?”

  “I found her outside crying, so I took her in. She won’t tell me her name, but she’s scared.”

  “Then let’s get her out of here before the cops show up.”

  Velvet nodded and took me up the steps to the top floor toward the rhythmic sound of tap dancing. The tapping didn’t stop when Velvet knocked on the door, so she opened it and we stepped inside.

  The poodle jumped and stopped dancing, but when she spotted me, she froze in fear.

  Velvet said, “He’s here to help, it’s okay.”

  “The name’s Kaiser Wrench.”

  The fearful look slipped away to be replaced by a vapid stare. “You’re going to help?”

  “Sure,” to Velvet I asked, “Any ideas as to where to take her?”

  “Is Leslie Bean still around?”

  “Yeah, she still owns the Italian restaurant on Forty-First.”

  “Let’s hope she still has the top three floors all to herself.”

  “She should,” I said. “Why don’t you two scram and let me deal with the cops.”

  She squeezed my hand and gave me a smile.

  The poodle walked up, and I got a good look at her. Petite with one of those goofy haircuts poodles go for, her big dark eyes distracted you from the budding female standing before you.

  “How old are you, pup?” I asked.

  “Twenty-one.”

  I smiled at Velvet. “Some pup.”

  With my full attention on the poodle, I got all serious. “Listen up and listen good. There’s a couple of dead bodies downstairs, so do as you’re told. I’ll help you as long as you follow my instructions, but I’m too tired and too old to go chasing after a stray. So, if you don’t want to play by my rules, you’re on your own. Got it?”

  “Yes, Mr. Wrench.”

  “Call me Kaiser, everyone does.” I kissed Velvet on the forehead, and said, “Now, get moving.”

  The wail of sirens drew closer as they left, and I waited downstairs with the doors open for the police. When the dogs came in, I held up my hands as they inspected my gun and license.

  The older dog gave a whistle at the special license I now carried and handed me back my wallet. “I remember you from back in the day. I’m surprised you’re still around.”

  “So am I.”

  The dog pointed at the bodies. “Would you like to explain this mess?”

  “Would you mind calling Captain Barrow? I hate repeating myself.”

  “Sure thing, but the new inspector might want in on this too.”

  “Whatever floats

your boat.”

  The dog made the call, and Duke showed up on the heels of the M.E., but not before the bespectacled Great Horned Owl. Everyone waited for the medical examiner to do his work and for his buzzards to cart off the bodies in wicker baskets.

  When Duke looked at me, I noticed a lot of the animosity had gone away. The German shepherd nodded. “Same old Kaiser.”

  “What happened here?” Lucius Weathersby cleaned his glasses and waited for a response.

  “Velvet was here. The lion came in first, followed by the badger, but they weren’t playing for the same team.”

  “So which team gets this one?” Duke nodded at Weathersby. “Federal or City?”

  “I hope there will not be a problem.” Weathersby put on his glasses and stuffed the handkerchief he used to clean them back in his pocket. “We’ve resurrected something society is no longer used to, Captain Barrow. We’re stuck with Kaiser.”

  “Thanks a lot,” I said.

  Duke chuckled. “Do you mind telling me what’s going on? I mean the owl, not you Kaiser. I don’t feel like playing on the merry-go-round today.”

  Weathersby checked his watch and said, “Velvet Black has information that concerns the security of our nation. At present, the assassination team which was sent to kill her has been nullified. I suggest you cooperate with Mr. Wrench and resolve your differences as best you can.”

  “She’s alive, Duke, and she’s still mine. If you want her, you’ll have to fight me for her.”

  “I could just shoot you.”

  “You hate cleaning up messes.”

  “Just yours.” Duke shook his head. “You always were a pain in the ass.”

  He surprised me by sticking his hand out, and I took it. It might not have been like old times, but at least we had a truce. And as long as Velvet was alive, we could patch things up.

  “I’ll leave you two to talk. Enjoy your fancy federal license, Kaiser. Just to let you know, we got a new D.A. and a new inspector, both of which are going to love hating you.”

  “Sounds like old times. Give me an hour, and I’ll have Velvet meet us all down in your office.”

  “She needs to come in immediately,” said the owl.

  “Keep your shorts on. One hour, Duke’s office.”

  Weathersby’s feathers puffed out. “There were two dead bodies here.”

  “Listen, as far as anyone is concerned, those two are the last of the Chimera business. In reality they have nothing to do with it, but if you don’t mind covering for me for a bit—”

  “Mr. Wrench—”

  “Didn’t I give you the Chimera?”

  The air let out of the owl, and he deflated like a balloon. “Fine. I suppose if I don’t go along with it, you’ll prevent Mrs. Black from coming in and reporting what she knows.”

  “Now that’s a thought.”

  Velvet did show up at Duke’s office, and she did spill everything she knew. Arrests were made here, more in other countries. Moscow cleaned its own house with a few fatalities and disappearances. Once it was over, there was nothing left to do but deal with one dead lion, one dead badger, and a new case. The other badger with a hole in his gut was still running around the city, but the young poodle needed to give up her secrets.

  Time had passed, but things hadn’t changed.

  CHAPTER 2

  The tail I picked up when I left the D.A.’s was easy to spot. Even though Weathersby stood up for me, someone didn’t like me and felt their toes were getting stepped on. I’d put my money on the new D.A. The Philippine eagle was too young and ambitious to understand that private investigators were professionals.

  I strung my tail along for about an hour before deciding to lose him at a restaurant. While he was trying to find me inside at a table, I walked out the door and made my way over to Leslie Bean’s place.

  Leslie was an older Sable, her dark fur shot with gray. She bustled around her restaurant, making sure customers felt welcome. When she saw me, it took her a moment for recognition to hit, but when she did, she tried feeding me. I told her I was there to see Velvet, and she showed me to the stairs leading to the upper floors.

  Using the same Morse code when knocking, Velvet opened the door, only this time there was no gun in her hand. Though I suspected it was in reach. The lynx pulled me inside, shut the door, and gave me a smile I couldn’t resist kissing. Though I made sure it was brief. I knew what would happen if I let instinct take over.

  “Hello, gorgeous.”

  “Hello, yourself.” Velvet tipped her head toward the living room. “The pup’s watching.”

  I looked over to see the Poodle staring at us from the doorway to one of the bedrooms. “Hello there.”

  The pup smiled and stepped closer, keeping Velvet between us.

  “So, let’s get down to business.” I took out my wallet and showed my license to the Poodle. The thing impressed her enough to start talking.

  “My name is Lacie Davis.”

  “The way you said that, I get the feeling the name should ring a bell, but it doesn’t.”

  The poodle looked away. “You’ve probably heard of my stepfather, Samson Barns. But I don’t use his name.”

  I glanced at Velvet, and she explained. “Years ago, Samson Barns was a District Attorney. Now he’s in the primaries for governor.”

  “The Great Dane?”

  “That’s him,” said Lacie. “I ran away because he killed my mother, and now he wants to kill me.”

  “Politicians usually don’t kill their wives without having it all over the news. When was this?”

  “Years ago. I was just a small pup.”

  “And you know this how?”

  “I just do.”

  Before she could start barking, I held up a hand and said, “I can’t go accusing anybody of murder without a certain amount of evidence. Now, do you have any other reason to think what you do?”

  Velvet put her arm around the female. “Please, Lacie. Anything you can give us, even the small things can help.”

  “Like the way he looks at me?” When I didn’t say anything, she added. “Someone followed me home from the theater, and then there was the car that almost hit me.”

  “Did you report either incident?”

  “No.” Lacie looked down at her hands and studied her nails.

  “Listen, pup. You’re an exceptionally pretty female and males are going to follow you. As for the car, this is New York City. So far everything you’ve told me is supposition.”

  “What about the badger and lion you killed?”

  At the question, I wondered if the Poodle might not be as dumb as she acted. “Those two might be part of another case unrelated to you. That case has been closed since Velvet’s said her piece and no longer has anyone after her.”

  The poodle stamped her foot. “I’m not going back.”

  “And no one is making you. Tell you what. I’ll go talk to your stepfather and see if I can dig up anything. Would that work?”

  Her nod didn’t have a lot of commitment to it, but it was about as good as I was going to get. Velvet shooed the female into the bedroom so we could talk in private.

  “Do you think you can come up with something?” asked Velvet.

  “Who knows, but I’ll try.”

  Velvet put her arms around me so that she could whisper in my ear. “Do you really think they were after me?”

  “No. Milo Bennet said he was looking for the pup.” I nuzzled her neck and left.

  The background information on Samson Barns was easy to get ahold of. The dog had been making headlines since the 30s. All the articles I had to sift through made him a sure-fire win for the governor with the prospect of president. But I wanted the dirty side to his life.

  I called Leo Granger and asked him to meet me with anything he had on Samson Barns. The beaver not only showed up but brought a gopher who worked for a political columnist by the name of Harold Johnson. The three of us ate lunch at the bar and poured over everything known about Samson Barns.

  I asked, “Isn’t there anything wrong with this dog?”

  “Nope,” said Harold. “But if you do find something, it’ll be worth millions.”

  “No one is that squeaky clean.”

  Leo pointed one of his pine sticks at me. “So, do you have anything on Barns? Can we publish it?”

 

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