The boy in black, p.22
The Boy in Black, page 22
‘Tell me!’ yelled the interrogator.
The British soldier moved his head back. The interrogator grabbed his cheeks and stretched them, until finally the soldier yelled in pain. The interrogator grabbed a knife that was on the metal tray and began to slice the soldier’s fingers, until he reached the bone. The screams echoed throughout the warehouse, and I shut my eyes.
‘I can’t watch this,’ said one of the soldiers.
‘Neither can I,’ said another. ‘I have to get out of here.’
‘Why are they doing this?’ asked the first. ‘That man, he’s in agony.’
‘Because they’re animals,’ I said quietly. ‘All of them.’
Once the interrogator sliced into the British soldier’s thumb, I turned and ran for the exit, barely making it before I vomited on the dirt. Coughing and choking, I stood hunched over, then straightened up and tilted my head back. I breathed deeply.
The other soldiers followed soon after. One of the soldiers also vomited, and the other sat against the wall of the warehouse, breathing heavily. The third walked out, no emotion on his face. He watched us, sat on the ground, and burst into tears.
•
I looked down at where the Russians were crouched. I watched as one attempted to go over the hilly ground and move to where our soldiers were positioned, but I knew if they could, they would take him prisoner. Whether they interrogated him here or in Berlin, no mercy would be given either way. My gun was perched on a rock, ready to fire. I wrapped my finger around the trigger, and when the sights moved over and rested on the soldier’s head, I pulled it.
Forgive me.
Dear Alina
Alina,
How funny it is, the world. From a strange scenario, it can create the perfect opportunity. But that opportunity is missed, now. Each night, I lay and look up at the stars before sleeping. The cold wind would blast on my face, but I would never notice it as I gazed up at the starry sky, each time thinking about what you were doing.
When I first glanced at you, standing there with that beautiful smile, I almost fell to my knees. I felt them shaking as I wondered what such a beautiful person wanted with someone like me. You trusted me, even though I was from the other side. You still smiled as we spoke, and when we walked, it was like it could last forever. But that was the trouble – it didn’t last forever. Each night I think about it; I ache for that time.
I told you things I would never tell anyone close to me. I told you about my true identity, and in return, you told me about you. That’s all I could ask for. In this life, people want temporary pleasures and thrills, but all I wanted was someone to be honest with – and I found you. It wasn’t long before I felt comfortable around you. Almost immediately, in fact, I felt comfortable around you. No judgement was reserved, nor any malcontent toward me. You were just beautiful, inside and out. You proved to me that people are still beautiful, amongst all this chaos.
I felt like a young child again. Instantly I wanted to marry you; we would go away from all of this and settle down with a family. That’s always how I’ve imagined it to be. When we fall in love, we don’t usually know it until after. But I knew. I knew the moment I saw you in that little store, and I knew all along as we laughed, cried, and talked together.
The thing about love is that it never dies. I can look to the stars and know that you look at the same sky, and that for me is enough for now.
We breathe the same air, we witness the same rising sun, and we touch the same earth. Somehow, we are connected, and I know you will always have a place in my heart. Always.
Until we meet again. One day.
Love always,
Johan
Chapter 22
November 26, 1941
We had fought our way through the defences of the outer lands of Moscow and were slowly making our way towards the city. We were twenty miles away, and I could almost smell it from where we stood.
The tanks were slowing down due to the weather, and a heavy blizzard of pure white snow swept in, almost burying us. The wind howled and blasted against us as our feet sank low in the snow. We were still fighting. No amount of snow could deter us from what we set out to do – although it sounded more appealing to me to feel the warmth of a fire, with a drink to warm my stomach, rather than guns firing as we ran through the snow for dear life.
Nevertheless, I was stuck in a white world with nothing more than rolling hills covered in snow, and the odd tree that stood protruding to the sky. The Russian soldiers were used to this and they were trained for this. They knew this land and they knew how dangerous it was. Stay in the same spot and you would be engulfed in feet of snow.
‘Come on, you bastard,’ mumbled Earnst as he looked down the sights of his gun and fired into the distance. ‘I’ve got you now.’
I glanced over from the sights of my gun to Earnst, who was smiling wryly.
‘Have you got him?’ I asked.
‘Almost,’ he replied, staggering out the words for a time before finishing it. ‘He’s just about to… almost there… come on, move out.’
Earnst, Felix and I were reunited after days apart. Felix had moved south-east with another group of soldiers, cutting off the Russian soldiers’ advances from the south and trying to sneak past to attack from behind. Earnst was on the frontline, holding off any Russian advances and defending our position. Our army had seemed to stagger over the days, and our supplies dwindled to a non-existent hope that all of us held in our minds.
Our tanks were breaking down, struggling through the snow and blizzards that blasted us, their tracks taking a lifetime to indent the snow and move on. Time was against us, and more importantly, so was the weather. Everything in this place was against us, and they had every right to be. Willing to stop us at anything, it wouldn’t be long before we would be trapped, struggling and praying for a way out, when our obliteration would come.
I didn’t know how much longer it would take for our impending doom to finally kick in, and I wasn’t entirely sure we would reach Moscow at this point, which made me even more wary of everything that was going on. If something was going to happen, now would be the time, and I was ready for anything.
Earnst, Felix and I made our way to the higher ground. We had advanced just four miles in four days, and it was only getting slower. Houses that were once homes to families on small farms provided good shelter from the oncoming bombardments. Scrambling across the abandoned farmlands, small contingents of our soldiers ran across the fields. We were accompanied by Waldron and Heinrich. The two had resolved any issues before accompanying us, knowing well that if they started a fight in the middle of the battle, one of us would be sure to end it. Surprisingly, they got along enough to work together and keep the group solid.
The gunfire had not ceased for one moment since the battle started. The other groups that moved forward on the fields were providing enough covering fire for us to run across to where a small farmhouse was situated.
When we got there, Earnst kicked down the door and we all entered. Dust had settled on everything. Not one spot in the house was clean. The spiders had made it their home, cobwebs hanging in the furthest corners of the rooms, attaching itself on the chairs and tables, and along the fireplace.
‘This has been abandoned for a while,’ said Waldron. ‘Do you think they knew all along that we were coming?’
Earnst shook his head.
‘No. They can’t have. They might have abandoned it for the bad weather. Look at this place.’
‘We can’t stay here for long,’ I interjected. ‘We have to keep moving.’
‘Surely we can stay here for a small while,’ said Felix. ‘Just to get out of the blizzard and rest.’
‘I agree with Felix,’ said Heinrich. ‘We need to get as much rest as we can. I haven’t slept for four days, and I don’t think anyone else has either.’
‘Not for too long,’ said Earnst. ‘But I do agree, just a small time. We need it, Hans.’
I grew increasingly frustrated with all of them. Once you stop, you want to stay there. This war wasn’t going to be easy – no one said that as a reassurance, ever. In fact, most soldiers knew what they were in for. It was the few naïve soldiers that thought it was going to be a walk in the park, so to speak.
‘We can’t stay here,’ I said desperately. ‘We have to keep moving.’
‘Relax, Hans,’ said Earnst. ‘It won’t be for long. Just sit down and relax for a bit.’
‘If you tell me to relax one more time,’ I began, ‘I swear I will…’
‘You will what?’ asked Heinrich. ‘If you want to leave, then leave. But don’t drag the rest of us out with you when we’re exhausted and need just a little bit of time to rest. That’s all we’re asking for, just a little bit of time. Jesus, Hans.’
I sighed and tilted my chin up, keeping an eye on Heinrich.
‘Fine,’ I said. ‘But only for a small time.’
‘Yes,’ said Heinrich indignantly. ‘We did all agree on a small time, didn’t we?’
I nodded in agreement, and we all found a place to sit. Earnst and Waldron cleaned the cobwebs from the chairs that were placed in front of the fireplace, while Felix, Heinrich and I sat at opposite ends of the room on the floor.
We all rested our guns on our laps, in case of an emergency that required them. I sat rigidly against the thick stone walls; my hands clasped tightly around my gun. I tapped my foot incessantly on the ground, hoping the time would pass quickly and we wouldn’t be caught in any oncoming fire. The wind howled, battering the windows of the cottage.
We were all silent, until Waldron spoke.
‘It would be nice if we could light that fireplace.’
‘Don’t even think about it,’ snapped Heinrich. ‘They would see the smoke from a mile away, and before you know it, they would bombard this place in a second.’
‘I wasn’t going to, you moron,’ whined Waldron. ‘I just said it would be nice.’
‘Both of you, don’t start,’ said Earnst. ‘Please.’
The more I knew about Earnst, and the more I was in his presence, the more I admired him for his wisdom and kindness. When I first met him, I compared both he and Felix to the same character – stupid and callous. But the more I knew him, and the more he knew me, the more he showed that he was intelligent, a leader, and had a kindness that not many people I knew possessed.
As for Felix, although not the brightest spark, he still had the kindest heart of them all. Before they knew me, and I them, it was important for soldiers to display a certain domineering charisma, to prove a point. But as we grew to know one another, so too did our friendship. The soldiers I knew weren’t bad people – they were just lost young men fighting for a cause they were told was right; at least, that’s how I saw it. I couldn’t forgive for what was done to my people, that was something which I knew deep down, but I could forgive the soldiers that I fought with, for what we did. Perhaps I kidded myself, thinking I was somehow ethically better than those who threw my people in the ghettos; that I could somehow come out of this feeling more righteous than them. But maybe I was right, too. And that’s what confused me. We were young men, thrown into a war we didn’t understand, only to be told that those who opposed us were evil – were we evil for believing it?
I started to hum quietly, until it grew into a louder melody. When I stopped, Heinrich turned to me and asked, ‘Why did you stop? Don’t stop.’
‘This isn’t a time for joyful songs. This isn’t a time for joyful anything.’ I replied.
‘It doesn’t have to be joyful,’ said Felix. ‘Just keep humming. Please. It was soothing.’
I hummed for a few minutes, then stopped and sat in silence. My knees were tucked up to my chest and my head tilted onto my left shoulder, as I stared at the ground. We listened to the distant gunfire and shouting from the soldiers who made their way through the fields.
The Russian army had pulled back a few miles to refuel and resupply, which was foolishly taken as an advantage to us by our superiors. It wasn’t, however. Once we went forward, it would be far more difficult to go back, and with our deteriorating state of supplies, fuel and most of all, morale, it would mean too close for comfort.
‘What’s that in the distance?’ asked Earnst. He perked up and peered out of the window.
Heinrich stood up and walked over to where Earnst was standing and looked out. Both of their faces dropped as Heinrich hissed, ‘Shit. Russian tanks are moving.’
‘What?’ screeched Waldron. ‘I thought they were refuelling!’
‘That’s what we all thought!’ snapped Heinrich. ‘It was a trick to lure us in. Fuck!’
Heinrich began to panic, and his breathing became far more abrupt.
‘We have to move, now!’ said Earnst. ‘Get your guns and whatever else you brought. We’re leaving, right now. No excuses.’
‘I knew this would happen,’ I said.
‘Oh, shut up, Hans!’ yelled Waldron. ‘No one knew this was going to happen.’
‘I told you not to stay here. I told you all to keep moving!’
‘If we kept moving, we would have met up with those tanks far sooner, you idiot!’
‘Sooner? We would have crossed the river and walked straight past them without even knowing it, and Heinrich over there wouldn’t be having a panic attack!’
‘Both of you, shut it!’ demanded Earnst. ‘This is no time to argue. Let’s just admit we all made a mistake and move on. We have to get out of here.’
I picked up my gun and walked over to the door, while mumbling,
‘I didn’t make the mistake.’
Waldron heard me and grabbed me by the collar.
‘If I hear you say that you knew, or that you didn’t make the mistake, I will throw you to those tanks. Everyone makes mistakes.’
‘And you were just the product of your parents’ mistake, then?’ I sneered.
Waldron’s face reddened, and his grip tightened before throwing me across the room. Crashing into the table that held a small lamp, it smashed as my weight crashed down on top of it. I stood up and wiped my face, but before I could react, Waldron had launched himself at me. I fell straight to the ground, where Waldron climbed on top of me and began to mercilessly beat my face until it was raw and bleeding. My wounded leg had smashed to the ground, and I grunted in agony as the burning sensation returned.
Earnst jumped on top of Waldron and dragged him off, throwing him across the room. I was left lying on the ground in agony, as I placed my hands inches from my face and shook in fear. Though I didn’t feel any fear of Waldron in particular, I feared my face was dismembered, and the fear of the possibility that it could have been a lot worse if it was just the two of us also frightened me.
Earnst came over to where I was and knelt down beside me. He grabbed my hands and gently placed them down on my lap, and then further examined my face.
‘How much does it hurt?’ he asked.
I shook my head and averted any eye contact. ‘It doesn’t hurt.’
‘Don’t try and be a hero, Hans. He gave you a large beating; we all saw it. Where does it hurt?’
‘My cheeks and part of my nose.’
He put his fingers on my nose and wriggled it slightly. ‘Does that hurt?’
‘No, not really.’
He touched my left cheek. ‘What about that?’
I winced in pain. ‘Jesus! Yes, that hurts.’
‘And the other cheek?’ He tapped my right cheek.
I squinted and bit my lip, nodding fast.
‘I don’t think he broke anything, but it will become swollen and cause you a bit of pain for a while.’ He leaned in closer. ‘Hans, why did you have to do that?’
‘What? Do what?’
‘Provoke him. You could have kept your mouth shut, at least while we were stuck in this house. Now look what happened.’
‘Why are you blaming me?’ I asked, short of breath. ‘I wasn’t the one who decided to throw someone across the room and start beating them to death.’
‘He wasn’t beating you to death, Hans. Besides–’
‘If he was given the chance, and you weren’t here to intervene, Earnst, he would have easily beaten me to death. I can’t fight him off, so who would have?’
‘That’s not the point. You provoked him, and you knew it. You try to say these things that may seem witty, but they just get you into trouble.’
‘I don’t need a lecture from you, Earnst. That’s how I survive. I don’t have a large-built physique, I can’t fight; I can’t do anything. We had this discussion before, and you know all of it.’
‘And you still didn’t listen!’ Earnst yelled, his face close to mine and his eyes staring directly at me, while Felix, Waldron and Heinrich were now at the opposite end of the room, crouching down and watching the events unfold between us.
‘Christ, Hans! That’s your problem. You don’t listen! You never have. You think you have it figured out – that everything can bend to your will – but you don’t!’
‘I have never thought that!’ I began to yell, with tears streaming down my eyes. ‘If I did, I wouldn’t be in the mess I am now! My father would still be alive, and my mother and sister. And I wouldn’t have to get by on nothing but what I say. Trust me, if I could bend everything to my will, I would, because I hate who I am! I hate it! I hate this place. I hate this whole fucking war! Everything!’
I began to cry, fighting for too long to hold back the tears. They came naturally, and it was a time to unleash it. Earnst still knelt beside me, but had moved back away from my face, and stared with a stunned look on his face. He covered his mouth with part of his arm, then dropped it to his side.
‘I don’t particularly like this place either, Hans, but it doesn’t mean I don’t have to do my duty.’ Earnst’s voice had softened, but still had a stony edge to it. ‘We have a job to do. Everyone has experienced heartache and sadness, but we put it behind us until this is finished, and then we can revisit it to properly mourn.’
