Philip k dick, p.3
Dragon Her Heels: A Magical Romantic Comedy (With a Body Count), page 3
The tall, dark, and handsome nodded. “Excellent. I’m Lucifer, this is my daughter, Kanika, and this is Malcolm, my son-in-law. As I noticed this estate is no longer owned by those who built it, I thought I’d come and have a talk with you.”
Well, the horns made a great deal of sense with the names he tossed around; I didn’t deal with a demon or a devil.
The Devil had come calling, and he’d brought his family along for the ride. “Am I going to hell for getting this place at a bargain?”
Snickering, Lucifer shook his head. “The previous owner was getting desperate because unlike you, he knows the history of this property. You don’t. I have decided you should be somewhat prepared for the days to come.”
How wonderful. “Is it a curse? Because I haven’t found any evidence of this place being actually cursed.”
“While my daughter is learning how to control her ability to curse anyone foolish enough to cross her, neither you nor the property are cursed. You just have nice neighbors who are hoping you stay despite the trouble coming.”
I gestured to the pasture with my three precious horses. “I bought it for three hundred thousand. Where else am I going to get a property like this for that little?”
“Hell,” Lucifer stated.
When a good bargain came my way, I acted, especially when I had the money available for it. Even having paid for the house in cash, if I could get a mansion in hell for three hundred thousand, I’d jump on it without any questions asked. I got out my phone and waved it at him. “Sold. Where do I send the money?”
Kanika tossed her head back and laughed while Malcolm bowed his head and pinched the bridge of his nose.
The Devil stared at me, and he raised a brow. “You didn’t even ask me any questions. Everyone asks me questions when I say something like that.”
I giggled at his expression. “I guess I should ask about the property taxes, maintenance bills, and so on. But come on, three hundred thousand for a property like this is a steal.”
“There aren’t any property taxes in my many hells, and I make the fucking assholes do the maintenance work in exchange for not torturing them in my dungeons,” he admitted. “But perhaps you should hear me out about the lake before deciding if you want to spend that money.”
“The commute would probably be a bit much,” I replied with a shrug, and I pointed along the track towards the lakefront. “There’s a gate we can use to reach the back as long as you don’t mind going near my cattle pasture. I warn you, the bull is the sweetest damned thing on four hooves and will try to love you to death. All the cows are nice except the red one. She’s got a heifer calf right now, and she don’t like nobody going near her calf. If you stay away from her, she’ll stay away from you.”
In good news for me, I’d learned to tame the beasts, and choice treats would get every cow I had doing what I wanted with minimal fuss, even Dandelion. Once Dandelion weaned off her calf, I expected life would be easier.
Well, until Ranger did his job and bred all my cows. Most of the bull calves would become steers, which would eventually become dinner on my table or dinner for my neighbors and those in need. The heifers would be moved to my second pasture, where I’d bring in a second sweet bull, allowing me to continue adding to my numbers until I was forced to sell off some of my stock to make space.
“You run a full farm here?” Kanika asked.
“I have some cattle, my three horses, a bunch of chickens, my garden, and the orchard. I used to be a secretary, but I’d gotten a good deal for the work. Ten years of drudgery later, I got this place, and I won’t be working again unless I want to.”
All three of them stared at me, and the Devil’s brows rose even higher. “I’ll admit, I learned very little about you before coming over. Isaac reached out because he likes you, knows you don’t know anything about this place, and felt that’d be a raw deal for you. You, according to him, are the nicest person on this street.”
I turned and pointed at Alligator Bait, who continued to run and buck like the wild thing she tended to be when she didn’t get to race as often as she wanted. “I pulled them off the slaughter market. I share my fruit, too. Why let it go to rot? I mean, I don’t cause any trouble on the street. Really, I prefer to be left alone.”
Kanika stared at David. “Please tell me that horse isn’t dead.”
I laughed. “It’s carcass time. Horses need deep sleep, which they can’t do standing up. Now that they know they’re safe, they indulge early and often. After Alligator Bait works out the rest of her energy, she’ll join them for carcass time. When it’s snack time, they’ll whinny at me from the gate until I come take them to the barn for their dinner. After dinner, they have the choice of going to their stalls or being turned out. Their stall doors are kept unlocked unless there’s a bad storm or there are construction workers out and about.”
“Our horses don’t do carcass time,” Kanika grumbled.
“Our horses are demonic entities that can—and do—sleep on all four hooves with no problems. Ours also don’t have nearly as many health problems as these. The conservatory horses engage in carcass time, though, and I’ll take you down when there is a mass carcass incident.”
While skeptical, Kanika nodded her acceptance of the Devil’s reply. “I don’t know why he’s tiptoeing around what’s going on with you, but here’s the deal, Crystal: there is a dragon and he will be coming here, and as the owner of this property, the dragon is your problem.”
I stopped and stared. “How is this dragon my problem?”
Lucifer sighed and raised his hand, a gesture Kanika respected. After a moment, he said, “This property is the caretaker house, and whomever owns the property deals with the dragon. The first thing to happen is the rising of the castle.”
“Castle? What castle?”
After pointing in the direction of Lake Hancock, he said, “There is a castle underneath the lake. Once the dragon comes into the area to stay, it will rise from the depths, drain out, and there will be a surge of magic in the area. It’s going to be an issue. You and your property will be fine, but everyone in the area is going to have a rough day once it happens.”
“So that nonsense about being sacrificed to a dragon is real?” I blurted.
“You will not be eaten by a dragon,” Lucifer said in an exasperated tone. “Well, unless you want to be.”
Kanika shrieked curses, grabbed her shoe, yanked it off, and beat her father with it. “Can’t you ever take anything seriously?”
“A woman wanting to—”
While Kanika beat the Devil, Malcolm reached over and placed his hand over Lucifer’s mouth. “Please stop talking. If you keep talking, we won’t get this done today, you will have to call and explain why we’re late to Darlene, and the only one she’ll leave unscathed is Kanika because she at least tried.”
Lucifer huffed before he shrugged. “Fine. You will be in no actual danger, but the owner of this estate will need to provide certain services.”
“Damn it, Lucy!”
Before Kanika could beat the sin out of him, the Devil raised his hands in surrender. “Non-sexual services. There, are you happy? He will need a secretary to help him adjust to modern society.”
I blinked. “A dragon needs a secretary?”
“He’s better than the other ancients; he already had someone teach him the fundamentals of technology. So yes, he needs a secretary to help him get settled. As you own this estate, you get the job. In good news, you don’t have to interview for the position. You hate interviewing.”
Truer words had never been spoken. “I might have thought about finding a new job already if not for the interviewing process. All right. I’m going to assume you are telling the truth. How many hours a day will this dragon need?”
“Three to six hours three days a week.”
Interesting. “That’s not bad. Do you know how much the pay will be?”
“I do. You will have several options for compensation. You can accept hourly wages or a salary. Both come with performance bonuses, health insurance, and other things humans tend to like.”
“Paid time off,” I prompted.
“Yes, you will receive four paid weeks off a year in your first year, you will be bumped up to five paid weeks off at the start of your third year, and you will get six paid weeks off a year at the start of your fifth year of service.” Lucifer snapped his fingers and a briefcase appeared in his hand, which he offered to me. “The details of the various offers are in there for you to peruse at your leisure. You will have room to negotiate. In fact, I expect you to negotiate. It would take you numerous years to sell this property and foist the job on someone else.”
“If I want to race my horse, could I work around the racing schedule?”
“Absolutely. You would be in charge of his schedule so you can adjust his work around your hobbies. As long as everything gets done, he won’t care.” Lucifer chuckled, and he paused to look over the grounds of my estate with an approving expression. “You bought potential and turned it into a refuge and a paradise. Most who buy this place end up with regrets. You aren’t about to let a dragon disrupt your happily ever after, are you?”
“Not a chance in hell,” I informed him, careful to keep my tone neutral. “But if the offer is good enough and it doesn’t get in the way, I’ll tolerate a dragon in my space.”
“It usually works the other way around, Crystal. The dragon usually tolerates those who live in the caretaker house.”
“Well, if he wanted to be the one doing the tolerating, he should have beaten me here. This is my slice of heaven on Earth, and I’m not about to let some scaly so-and-so get in the way. But if he needs a secretary, I can help him with that. I might not look like much, but once upon a time, I was good at my job, and it hasn’t been that long since I got out of that saddle.”
“Good. With that attitude, you’ll go far.”
I eyed the Devil, uncertain if he meant the statement to sound rather threatening. “What do you know that I don’t?”
“I know a great deal that you don’t. Now, come along. I will show you where the castle will rise so when it does show up, you’re resigned to the situation rather than terrified.”
I regretted having opened my gate for my unexpected guests. “Well, I wasn’t concerned before, but I am now.”
“That’s because you’re wise, my dear. Try not to worry. A new era of humanity dawns, and you will enjoy front row seats to the show.”
As Malcolm seemed the most sensible of the trio, I glanced his way. “How do I politely refuse an invitation to this party?”
He sighed. “I learned this the hard way, but you don’t. My advice? Make the most out of the situation and keep your eye on the prize. Good things tend to happen to those who have the guts to stand up to Lucifer. Just be careful: if he likes you, he will never leave you alone.”
I narrowed my eyes. “That sounds rather ominous and threatening.”
“It could be worse,” Malcolm replied with a grin.
“How?”
“Lucifer’s brothers could show up. Where angels go, trouble surely follows.”
TWO
Lucifer clearly lived in a different world than I did.
Lucifer showed me where the castle would rise from the heart of Lake Hancock before herding his daughter and son-in-law to the limo and leaving. I remained on the lakefront while baby alligators swarmed my feet and attempted to cuddle me into submission. In time, they’d grow to be monsters, assuming they survived, but for the moment, I petted each one before returning it to the water and sending them off to do what gators did on a sunny summer day.
Storms would roll in by the afternoon, and I’d go up to the fourth floor to enjoy nature’s show over the lake. The horses would retreat to the pasture shelter I’d installed near the barn gate at the first rumble of thunder. Otherwise, they’d enjoy the rain, find some mud, roll around, and enjoy being groomed back to perfection.
My curiosity over the contents of the briefcase drove me into my home and to the fourth floor, where I made use of my favorite office overlooking the lake. Once upon a time, I suspected the spacious chamber had been a library with a massive window. As the thought of sunlight hurting my books bothered me, I’d moved the libraries into interior rooms where harmful UV light wouldn’t damage fragile covers and pages.
My previous apartment hadn’t had space for books, and I made a point of buying a new one every time I went out, which was usually once a week.
I placed the briefcase on my desk, unlatched it, and opened the lid to discover a new laptop still in its sealed box, the kind CEOs tended to get for themselves due to power and brand prestige. Raising a brow, I picked it up and set it to the side. Four manila envelopes waited for me along with three white letters. To my amusement, I discovered each had been labeled with a number to indicate which order to open them.
Being a secretary meant balancing what my boss wanted, efficiency, and accuracy. After the first year, my boss had learned my job wasn’t to be perfectly obedient.
My job involved making certain he could do his job without facing consequences of unseen mistakes. I fixed as much as I could without his awareness, even if it meant I did the work in a way he hadn’t anticipated. Several of my bonuses had reflected when I’d bailed my boss—and the whole company—out, sparing them millions of dollars. I’d run the risk of being fired one time in particular, but upon discovering what my work had accomplished, I’d been given five hundred thousand in stocks, stocks that had vested six months after being issued.
They liked vesting stocks quarterly over a four year period of time for the most part.
Those specific stocks had paid for my home.
I picked up the white envelope marked with number one, grabbed my letter opener, and sliced it open. Inside, I found a sheet of paper and a folded check. According to the amount box, Lucifer intended to pay me a hundred thousand. The memo flagged it as an inconvenience bonus.
I supposed being forced into a job counted as an inconvenience.
I set the check aside and read the letter, which informed me the bonus was intended to give me an opportunity to acquire anything an executive secretary might need as he had no idea if I owned the appropriate apparel and did not wish for me to suffer unnecessarily.
My previous job had required a professional wardrobe, which I’d kept and washed once a month to keep it in good condition. If looks mattered, I could pull it off with a small sliver of the check.
Lucifer clearly lived in a different world than I did.
I set the note aside and picked up the second envelope, another of the white ones. Inside, I found a list of responsibilities for caring for the dragon, whom Lucifer described as headstrong, possibly useless, and in dire need of training on consideration. I laughed at the wording, which indicated the dragon had somehow vexed the Devil.
Some viewed living in interesting times to be a curse.
I would have considered paying for the joy of witnessing someone driving the Devil absolutely wild.
If the dragon, who hadn’t even made his appearance yet, could trip Lucifer’s trigger, I couldn’t wait to see what would happen when he showed up.
I reviewed the list, which boiled down to standard executive secretary responsibilities, scheduling, trip planning, recording of the minutes, and reviewing contracts before sending them over to legal. The note that I would be expected to join the dragon on his adventures around the world would cause some issues, but I would negotiate for caretakers for my estate while I was gone.
Setting the list to the side, I moved to the next envelope, one of the manila monsters. Inside, I found a thick stack of papers. Someone had scribbled a phone number at the top for any questions. The next line included my salary, and the number stopped me in my tracks.
Before bonuses, I would be paid half a million a year to handle the dragon’s affairs.
I did the math: if I worked three days a week for an average of five hours, I would be earning over six hundred dollars an hour to rule over a dragon and make him dance to my tune.
I reached across my desk, picked up my landline, dialed the number on the top of the page, and listened to the ringtone.
“You have a cell phone, yet you’re choosing to call me from your desk phone?” the Devil asked.
“Yes. My cell is in my pocket, the desk phone is right here. I wish to open negotiations.”
“Already? You haven’t opened everything yet.”
I smiled at the confirmation the Devil knew more than I anticipated. “The responsibilities list includes travel. I will require someone who will care for my estate and all animals, wild and domesticated, on my property. My garden and orchards will also need to be tended. As the travel is mandatory, you—or this dragon, whoever is paying the bill for my employment—should handle that.”
“Excellent. I see you are no novice to the art of negotiation. Your request is reasonable and I accept the addition to all the offers I’ve already given you. How do you like the base salary offer?”
“It’s solid. I haven’t seen the performance bonus section yet, but I’m the kind who works hard for the money, and performance bonuses make my world go round. If there is a structured performance bonus with quantifiable numbers, preferably in a mix of stocks, bonds, and cash, then I will work above and beyond to earn those bonuses. My previous company did a mix of quantifiable and subjective benchmarks for bonuses.”
“Which is how you earned your current lifestyle. I can send over an updated proposal for the performance bonuses with both quantifiable and subjective listings.”
As my first request had gone over well, I decided to angle for the next problem on my list: the unknown nature of travel and my pay for losing days or weeks of my life. “For the salary offer, a bonus equitable to the number of hours worked for the duration of the trip should suffice to make mandatory travel worth the while. I expect you have this written into the hours offer, but I’ll be blunt: I hate tracking hours outside of mandatory travel. All travel expenses, from hotels to meals, will be your problem rather than mine. On days off while traveling, lodging is the employer’s problem while meals and activities are mine.”
