Cherise at the altar, p.11
Cherise At the Altar, page 11
Lonely. “They were the stereotypical big brothers growing up, you know? Always looking out for me and protecting me from bullies and boys. It was nice.” There is an eight-year age gap between me and my brothers, and they weren’t crazy about the idea of having another sibling. They basically ignored me until they graduated high school. Now, the only time we talk is when mom or dad do something to get on their nerves and they need an ally.
“I always wanted a sibling growing up,” Preston says. “I thought it would be nice to share my secrets with someone. When things got hard, I could lean on my brother or sister for help, you know?
“Yeah. It was so great having them around. I’m sure they’d love you, too.”
“Yeah? You think so?”
“They’ve got big personalities, and great senses of humor.” So long as Preston doesn’t mind being the butt of every joke, he’ll do just fine.
“I’m looking forward to meeting them one day. If that’s alright with you?”
My stomach does a flip. “Of course. Why wouldn’t it be okay with me?”
Preston puts his fork down. “I know the other night might have come as a bit of a shock to you, Cherise. But I want you to know I take our relationship very seriously. That I take you seriously.”
Everything in me wants to kiss him, but not with marinara sauce pooling around my gums. I wait until we’re done eating, then clear the table and excuse myself to the bathroom.
I stare at my reflection in the mirror. “Cherise, you’ve got this. You’re beautiful, strong, determined. And he wants you. Preston wants you.” I help myself to the mouthwash on Preston’s countertop, touch up my makeup, and freshen my curls.
A few minutes later, I join him on the couch while he fiddles with the top of an ice cream tub. His face lights up when he sees me. “Hey Cherise. I wasn’t sure which ice cream you’d prefer, so I took a shot in the dark. This shortbread vanilla is my favorite, but I have mint chocolate chip in the freezer, too. You took care of dinner, so I figured I’d handle dessert.”
He scoops a spoonful from the top and offers it to me. “Have a taste?”
I sit next to him, push the spoon aside and kiss him. I feel him smile as he returns the gesture. The spoon disappears somewhere in the ice cream, and he wraps his arms around me.
I want to stay like this forever. Me and Preston fit so well together. But just as quickly as it starts, it’s over. Preston drops his arms and puts space between us. I lean forward, not wanting any distance between us. I try to kiss him, but he moves further back. “It’s okay, Preston. I trust you.”
He caresses my cheek and sighs. “We should slow down.”
“What if we don’t?” I place my hand on his chest. “What if we just keep going?”
“Cherise, I already told you–”
“That it wouldn’t be right. But that’s not true. Lots of people get together before marriage, and in some cultures, couples are expected to have sex first before a marriage is agreed to. Like in some Hindu cultures–”
“Let me stop you there.” Preston slides off the couch and grabs the ice cream tub. “Regardless of what other people do in other cultures, this isn’t something that’s up for debate.”
I watch Preston as he makes his way to the kitchen. “Why not? It affects both of us. Shouldn’t it be something we both discuss and agree to?”
Preston sighs as he places the ice cream in the freezer. “You wanna talk about it, sure. We can talk about it. And if it were anything else, I’d probably agree with you that we should discuss it. But Cherise, this isn’t something that I’m willing to compromise on. And it worries me that it’s not the same for you.”
I take a deep breath and try again. “I don’t understand why you won’t even consider it.”
Preston returns to the living room, but he doesn’t join me on the couch. “Alright, Cherise. Let’s consider it. You did your research on other cultures and their marriage customs, right?”
I nod. “Yes.”
“But you and I aren’t getting married. We just started dating, and we’re nowhere near that stage. We aren’t engaged, and we haven’t made any promises to each other. So even if I were to use other cultures as a basis for having sex with you, the example doesn’t apply.”
“I thought you said you were serious about us.”
“And I am. But that doesn’t mean I’m ready to spend the rest of my life with you. And until I am, I can’t cross that line with you.”
It feels like all the air’s been sucked out of the room. Suddenly, it’s hard to breathe.
See? He doesn’t want to be with you. No one does. “I see.” A moment later I’m on my feet.
“Maybe we should call it a night.” Preston reaches for me, but I pull away and grab my coat. “Cherise?”
I feel foolish. And angry. And hurt. But mostly foolish. Being rejected the first time hurt. Why would I throw myself at him twice?
“Cherise?”
I keep walking until I’m out the door and in my car. I can’t wrap my head around it. Is something wrong with him?
Or is something wrong with me?
20
Rules of Engagement
I spend all of Friday angry, skipping small group. There’s no point in going if Preston and I aren’t gonna be together. I try to focus on my clients and their care, and for the most part it works. I ignore all of Preston’s calls and leave his messages unread.
Halfway through Saturday I’m less angry, but still not taking his calls. What era is Preston even living in?
By Sunday, I’m feeling conflicted, but I’m not ready to talk to Preston yet. After two rejections, I’m still hurt, and reaching out feels like setting myself up for a third. But I need to talk to someone about this, and Shantell and Adrian will just give me more of the same advice. That leaves one person. Kendi.
Monday morning I take my usual clients, with plans to catch up with Kendi after work. But by lunch time, I’m a bundle of nerves. How do I even begin? Should I tell Kendi about Preston and me, or keep it vague? Does it even matter if there is no Preston and me? Are we really over?
That singular thought sends me spiraling into sadness. I really, really like Preston, even if he is being stupid. Either he’s taking this faith stuff way too seriously, or he’s confused. This can’t possibly be an actual rule, right?
I can’t wait. Instead of going out for lunch, I head over to the fitness center. I find Kendi near the weights spotting a wiry, young college kid on the bars.
“Why is sex off the table for Christians?” I ask.
Kendi chuckles. “Good afternoon to you too, Cherise.”
“I’m serious. There’s no actual rule in the bible, right? I mean, even if there is, nobody follows it, right?”
“Um, Cherise?”
I shake my head. “No, don’t tell me. I don’t wanna know.” I walk away, then turn right back around. “Please tell me it’s not a rule? Like, it’s one of those things like eating food offered to idols, right? Some people think it’s wrong, some people don’t, and we shouldn’t judge. Right?”
“Cherise, now’s not a good time.”
“I mean, how can you expect people to be celibate this day and age? Catholic priests can’t even do it!”
“Cherise, that’s not an appropriate thing to say.”
“Well, it’s true! And if the people most devoted to God can’t do it, why should I? It’s stupid!”
Kendi shrugs. “Well, for what it’s worth, I’m celibate. And I don’t think it’s stupid.”
I scoff. “Haha Kendi. Real funny.”
“What’s funny?”
“You being celibate.” I laugh and give him a thumbs up. “Nice one.”
“It’s true.”
“Pfft. Please! You’re a personal trainer. Isn’t that, like, the most debauchery-ridden profession in existence?”
“Not offensive at all.” Kendi’s flat tone and raised eyebrow send mine flying.
“You’re serious? You’re really not sleeping with anyone?”
Kendi shakes his head. “Cherise, again, not a great time to have this discussion.” He gestures to the kid in front of him and I scowl. But he’s right.
“Sorry. But Kendi, this is kind of an emergency.”
“I don’t see how.” I give him a pleading look, and he sighs. “Fine. Wait over by the massage chairs, and give me about ten minutes.”
“Can you make it five?”
“I can make it never, if ten doesn’t work.”
“Okay, sheesh! Ten it is.” I meander over to the front desk and press my palms into my temples. The massage chairs are occupied, otherwise I’d park it in one. I really don’t want things to be over between Preston and me. But no intimacy means I’ve got to win him over in other ways. And I’m already playing this game with a handicap.
“Alright, Cherise, what’s the emergency?” Kendi meets me by the chairs with a sigh.
Can I trust him with the truth? Or even a tiny part of it? Honestly, this whole thing is exhausting. Maybe it’s time I come clean. I really should come clean. Get everything out in the open.
“Earth to Cherise?” Kendi waves his hand in front of me. “You still with me?”
I shake my head. “Sorry. I’m just...” Never enough. Never have been, never will be. “...a little thrown by this whole no sex thing. Is it really a thing?”
Kendi’s face softens as he steps a little closer. “I’m not sure I can explain it well enough here, but let’s start with this. What do you understand about it, and what would you say is your biggest issue with it?”
I take a minute to think about Kendi’s question. Honestly? I’m not sure. I like being close to the person I’m with. It makes me feel connected and, in some ways, secure. Not being able to have that closeness with Preston is scary. Whenever Calvin and I fought, we’d find our way back to each other through intimacy.
But Calvin still left. So I guess, I’m not sure I’m brave enough to explore a relationship without it. There’s no way I’m telling Kendi that, though. It’s too personal. “I guess I just don’t understand why it has to be a rule.”
Kendi taps his finger against his chin. “Let’s take a walk.”
I eye him warily, but he shrugs and steps outside the fitness center, holding the door as he waits for me to follow. I walk through it, and we meander down the sidewalk.
“When I came to God, I wasn’t the greatest person.”
I’m not sure where this is going, but I don’t interrupt him.
“I was willing to do almost anything God wanted me to, but there was one area where I really struggled. I had a girlfriend at the time, and we were... active.”
“I thought you said you were celibate?”
“I am. Now. But I wasn’t always.”
“What made you change your mind?”
Kendi blows out a breath. “A lot of really messed up things happened. Some things you know are wrong without anyone specifically telling you. Some things are easy to give up. I could fast for days. Saying no to a drink was easy. I could lay down a lot of old ways, but when I was presented with the idea that sleeping with my girlfriend was wrong, I just struggled.
“Being with her felt good. Sometimes it even felt right. But whenever you’re presented with a different truth, it leaves you unsettled. I had no excuses. I didn’t love her, though I loved being with her. I wasn’t interested in getting married, but I didn’t want to give up our relationship, either. Knowing I was being selfish, in spite of everything God had done for me, left me in this constant tug of war. Some days I’d try to justify it. Other days I’d just feel so worthless. Like God was wasting his time with me.”
Kendi stops walking and looks at me. “When we choose to give our lives to God, that includes giving him our desires. But the truth is, none of us gets things right 100 percent of the time. I know some great couples who’ve made mistakes along the way. But I also know that those mistakes can breed a lot of resentment between two people. I hurt someone I cared about, because I chose to do things my way instead of God’s way. And while there’s forgiveness and grace for every mistake we make, there are also consequences.”
“I’m not sure I’m following you?”
“In scripture, we’re taught that everything is not good for us. We haven’t really gone over sexual immorality since you’ve joined the group, but if you want, we can talk about it this week. We missed you last Friday.”
“Yeah, something came up.” I clear my throat. “But Kendi? What if you’re in a serious relationship? Wouldn’t it be okay in that context?”
Kendi chuckles. “Come to the group this week and we’ll talk about it.” He looks back at the fitness center, then looks at me. “I’ve gotta head back, but I promise to answer all your questions on Friday, okay?”
I don’t really want to wait until Friday, but I’ve got clients coming in, and I don’t know how to ask the questions I really want answered. “Alright. Group on Friday.”
“It’s at my place again this week. Let me know if you want to ride together?”
I go back to the clinic, and though I’m not on board with Preston’s way of thinking, I do feel a little better after talking to Kendi. At least I don’t have to wonder if Preston’s just trying to spare my feelings. That thought did cross my mind a few times, but now I can put it to rest. Mostly.
I’ve gotta admit, Kendi’s not that bad now that we’ve called a truce. A surprising discovery, especially for a meathead. At this rate, we might even become friends. Eh, maybe not.
First thing I need to do is decide if I can either convince Preston to change his mind about sex or find a way to live without it. Because I still want my happily ever after, and I still think Preston’s my best shot at getting it. Shantell might disagree, and Adrian might shake her head, but I have to try. And if I think about it, I’ve been practicing celibacy ever since I broke up with Calvin. Okay, technically he broke up with me. But loneliness aside, it hasn’t been that bad.
I’m hopeful that Preston and I can come to some sort of compromise. But if I have to trade cold showers now for hot nights later, I think I can do it.
21
Let’s Talk About Sex
Asking a room full of adults about sex is as awkward as it sounds. To their credit, the group is mostly straight-faced when Kendi announces the topic of discussion.
“We’re going to pause our study on Luke and do something a little different tonight.” Kendi says. He promised not to embarrass me again, but that doesn’t keep my cheeks from flushing with heat. “We’ll be talking about relationships and Christian living, so I’ve asked Larry and Pam to take charge of tonight’s discussion, since they’ve got a lot of experience and wisdom on the subject.”
To his credit, Kendi doesn’t mention my name or even glance my way. If I keep my eyes forward, maybe no one will know I’m the one causing tonight’s topical shift.
Larry and Pam stay in their seats but wave at everyone in the group before starting. “Hey everyone,” Pam begins. “Some of you may already know that Larry and I have been doing relationship studies for a long time.”
“Those studies came in handy when we got engaged this summer,” Larry adds. I perk up at that little tidbit. I had no idea the two were a couple, though now that I think about it, they always sit together. “After talking to Kendi, we thought it would be helpful to share our experiences and answer any questions that pop up about relationships. But first, let’s go to the scriptures and see what the bible says about Godly relationships.”
I still don’t have a bible, but Asia helped me download an app a few weeks ago, so I follow along on my phone while Larry reads a passage in Hebrews. Afterwards, Pam reads a passage in one of the Corinthians. Pam reads:
“’You say, Food was made for the stomach, and the stomach for food. This is true, though someday God will do away with both of them. But you can’t say that our bodies were made for sexual immorality. They were made for the Lord, and the Lord cares about our bodies.’”
She skips down a bit before continuing. “‘Run from sexual sin! No other sin so clearly affects the body as this one does. For sexual immorality is a sin against your own body. Don’t you realize that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and was given to you by God? You do not belong to yourself, for God bought you with a high price. So you must honor God with your body.’”
“What do you guys think about these verses?” Larry asks.
Asia raises her hand. “I think what struck me most in those verses is the last part that says we must honor God with our bodies. Like, even beyond sexual purity, we need to honor God in all things. And I think sometimes we get caught up in semantics and ideologies that we hear around us, but at the heart of everything we do, honoring God comes first.”
“That’s a good point.” Pam nods her head. “With Larry and I, it’s the line we draw for every interaction. We may have disagreements about how to engage with one another, but when we stop and ask the question, ‘Am I honoring God in the way I’m treating the person I want to spend my life with?’ the answers become much more clear. Neither one of us wants to do something that would make the other feel ashamed or guilty in the eyes of God, because we love each other.”
“That’s right.” Larry leans forward. “I’ll give you an example. In my family, we’re very affectionate. Lots of hugging and touching and slaps on the back and all that.”
“But in my family, we don’t do any of that.” Pam continues. “When Larry and I got together, I had a really hard time with him touching me. If he tried to kiss me or hold my hand, it felt really intimate, and I was worried we’d fall into sin if we did those kinds of things.”
“It frustrated me a little bit at first,” Larry admits. “I wasn’t trying to push. I was just trying to show affection. We got into an argument about it, and Pam said to me, ‘Would it make you feel better if I let you kiss me? Even if I feel guilty about it afterwards?’ And it really struck me when she asked me that. I wanted to show her how much I loved her, but at what cost? If my affection cost Pam her peace, was our relationship really honoring God?”
