Behind me, p.1
Behind Me, page 1
Behind Me
Piper Reagan
Copyright © 2018 by Piper Reagan
All rights reserved.
No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without written permission from the author, except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.
Cover design by Brock Clagg
Edited by Joy Editing Cassie Cox
Formatting by Tattered Quill Designs
To anyone who’s ever had a dream, then took the risk to chase it.
About Behind Me
I don’t even know who I am anymore.
Josephine… My birth name. The one my parents gave me and the one they can have. It makes me no difference.
Joss… That’s what my friends call me. I like it. It means they know me. Sort of.
Blue J… My stage name. It hides me when I need it to.
Bird… That’s what he calls me. And he’s the only one.
He gave me a new name. One that was branded on my skin our first night together, placed there by his lips. The night that was supposed to be our first and our last. Because if he sees the me hiding behind the fake name, will he even want me?
Cain
She slipped out, right through my fingers. But that won’t work for me. Her voice made an impression, her touch left its mark. And when I find her, I’ll make sure she remembers the way it felt.
But how can a girl who hides herself, living in a convent and afraid to face the world, ever fall for a man who kills people for a living? Can the death row prison guard and the girl struggling to break free come together? Or will their differences keep them from finding their forever?
Behind Me is a contemporary romance with adult language and sexual content and is intended for an audience 18 and over.
Contents
Prologue
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Chapter 22
Chapter 23
Chapter 24
Chapter 25
Chapter 26
Epilogue
A NOTE TO MY READERS
Acknowledgments
About the Author
Also by Piper Reagan
Prologue
Ten years ago
Please no.
God no.
This cannot be happening. I brace myself on the vanity to keep from falling to the bathroom floor, staring numbly at my now-pale face in the mirror. The shower curtain reflecting in it grabs my attention, and I zero in on the footballs covering the navy fabric.
Football. What will this do to Jeremy? To his future? To our future?
I try to control my breathing as my heart pounds painfully against my ribcage.
Just go talk to him. We’ll figure this out together.
Gathering my strength, I take a few calming breaths and head back to his bedroom.
“Yeah, man, we’re all set. Stretch Hummer. It’ll be sick. You get the room?”
He holds out the hand that isn’t holding his phone, and I rush toward him, needing his embrace. I fall into his lap and absorb the feel of his body against mine, soaking up the comfort that touching him always gives me.
“Homecoming’ll be epic. Especially after we wipe the Tornados all over the football field.” His smile is so blinding, it distracts me for a split second. “Yep. Later, bro.” He tosses the phone to the side of the bed and pulls our bodies down, nuzzling my neck. Warm lips suck on my tender flesh. “My parents won’t be home for about an hour. Let’s make the best of it.”
His touch is a balm to my nerves, offering the physical contact I need right now.
“I love you, Jeremy.” With every part of my soul, I love this boy. Love everything about him. He’ll help me through this.
He works his way to my mouth, whispering as he goes. “I love you too, Joss. Let me show you how much.” Soft kisses cover my neck.
“Wait. We need to talk.” I run my hand through his soft shaggy hair.
“We will. I want to tell you all about the plans for homecoming.” He works my shirt up. “Senior year. We’re gonna own this shit, babe. Live up every minute until we head off to college.” Our fairytale reality, the dream we’ve been living. “I’ll be playing football, you’ll be at Julliard. We’ll sneak off to see each other—”
“Jeremy.” His lips and hands roam my body, and I want to get lost. Lost in his love. But the plastic I’m gripping won’t allow me to do that.
“What’s wrong?” He grabs my hand and brings it toward his lips, almost making contact before he finally notices I’m holding something. His eyebrows pinch together. “What’s in your hand?”
He chuckles and pries the plastic stick from my sweaty palm. Blinks. Then frowns. His breathing gets ragged, curiosity changing to anger on his face.
“Is this a fucking joke?” He stands so fast, the bed bounces and I scramble to sit up and reach for him. “Tell me this is a joke, Josephine!”
My eyes burn, attempting to fight tears, as his furious ones look foreign.
Don’t panic. He’s just in shock.
“Fuck!” He looks at the pregnancy test again then hurls it at the wall.
The almost weightless stick barely makes a sound on impact. Standing there for what seems like years, breath ragged, he grabs his hair with both hands and bends at the waist.
“How did this happen?” The whisper is barely audible.
“I-I couldn’t remember my last period, which isn’t unusual so—” I take a deep breath, thankful he’s here with me even if he is freaking. I need him to help me figure this out. “I took it so I could stop worrying. But—”
“How could this happen? How?” He won’t look at me. “We only slipped up one time and I pulled out. That can’t be right, Joss. It can’t.”
I wrap my arms around him and finally get his eyes. He must see the pain on my face because he drops to his knees where I’m sitting on the bed and puts his hands on my cheeks.
“I’m sorry, babe. I’m flipping out here. Don’t worry, we’ll figure this out. I…” His determined eyes dart around the room, looking for answers before they come back to mine. “I have some money stashed. You can go to the clinic and get rid of it. No one will ever know.”
It? Nausea fills me at what he’s implying, and my hands go reflexively to my stomach.
“Skip school tomorrow. Go to the clinic. We’ll fix this, babe. It’ll be fine.” The words spilling from his tongue are manic. “I’ll get you through this.”
Fix this? “Jeremy, I-I don’t—”
“Then you can pretend like you have the flu or something, stay home another day. You should be fine after that. No one will ever know. It’ll work. I’ll make sure.”
Cold sweat dampens my skin. My face, hands, and feet tingle.
“Joss.” He tilts my head, bringing me back to the present. “Are you listening? This will be fine, babe. I’ll make sure of it.” He kisses my stiff mouth then wraps me in a tight hug.
I nuzzle my face in his neck and whisper against his skin, “I-I can’t do that. It’s a baby. It’s our baby.”
“Yeah. A baby we cannot have. A baby that will ruin both our lives.” Physically he’s holding me tight, but his words are pushing me away.
I shake my head, unable to accept what he’s saying.
“Joss!” Firm hands grab my shoulders. “You cannot have this baby! If it comes out that you’re pregnant and that it’s mine… I’ll be kicked off the team! We are not having a fucking baby, Josephine.” He shakes me a little, eyes dark with confused anger. “Do you hear me? You need to fix this. Now. This can’t touch me. It can’t. Baby, please, don’t do this to me.”
“We’ll figure it out.” I try to even out my voice, but it still cracks. “I’ll figure it out.”
“What’s there to figure out? I already have a football scholarship to IU next year, and there’s no way in hell anything is standing in my way. Not you—and sure as hell not a baby.” He stands and paces like a caged animal.
“Jeremy.” He has to understand. He just… “Please… I love you. There has to be another way.”
“Love? You love me? Then why would you want to ruin my life? Why would you want to ruin your own life?” He stares at me, looking for a response, but I don’t have one. “That’s not love.”
“I can’t do it. Please, let me figure something out. But not that. Not that.”
His expression changes, losing every drop of compassion. Every trace of the boy I’ve loved since I was fourteen seems to disintegrate into thin air, replaced by a cold-hearted stranger.
“As far as I’m concerned, that’s our only option. If you decide to keep it, that’s on you. I’ve told you I would help, but not like that…” He looks at my still-flat stomach in disgust. “If you have that baby, then you can count me out.” He grips his hair, bending at the waist for a moment before popping back up and shaking his head. “Jesus! I need some air.”
He walks to his bedroom door then stops. “I’m serious. I can
“Jeremy!” I cry, but the door remains still. “Jeremy!”
The only boy I’ve ever loved. Ever been with.
Trusted with my body. Trusted with my heart.
Gone.
With no time to consider any options, I do the only thing I can. I pick myself up, stuff the pregnancy test in my bag, and head for home. Praying the entire way that Mom and Dad can help me figure out how to handle this.
The short drive did nothing to calm the nerves that rack my body as I climb the back steps to our prestigious Colonial home. By some miracle, I make it up to my room unnoticed. The enormous bed covered in white welcomes me. I drop my bag and climb in, hoping to hide under the covers for all eternity.
No such luck.
A light knock on my door is followed by my mother’s entrance. “I thought I heard you come in.” The closet door opens, followed by the sound of a zipper. “I have a surprise.”
I peel back the covers to look. A mixture of guilt and despair slam into my gut at the sight of her holding up the deep purple dress we picked out a month ago.
“Isn’t it beautiful? I just picked it up from the seamstress. You can’t even tell she brought the hem up. It’s flawless.” Thank goodness she hasn’t taken her eyes off the garment to look at me. “I think you and Jeremy will get homecoming king and queen this year, don’t you, honey? You two are so perfect together. Everyone sees it.” Her eyes, full of hope, meet mine. “I know you two are young, but I think he’s your one. Just like your father was my high school sweetheart.”
“What are my girls up to?” Dad walks in, and I wonder if this moment could get any worse.
“Look at her dress, Paul.”
Mom’s excitement is my undoing. A sob rips from my throat so hard and fast that I force my face into the pillow to try to hide it. My body shakes uncontrollably with suppressed emotion that has burst open like a dam.
“Josephine, what’s the matter? You don’t like it?” She rushes over, and the contents of my bag spill on the floor. “Shoot—what’s this?”
The air goes silent. I hold my breath, refusing to look up.
Mom is on her knees, pregnancy test in hand. “Why do you have this? Whose is it?”
Dad comes up behind her, thick dark brows pulled low over his eyes.
“Answer me, dammit!” Mom says.
“Mine,” I say between sobs. “I’m so sorry.”
“Yours?” My father’s voice has lost all traces of softness and taken on the tone he uses in the courtroom. “Yours?”
“Let me explain.” I sit up, trying to wipe the moisture from my face.
“Explain? Yes, please, Josephine, explain to your mother and me why you’ve strayed from everything we’ve taught you. Explain to me why you thought it was okay to disregard the way you were raised after everything your mother and I have done for you.” His eyes glaze over as his jaw ticks. “Please explain.”
“I didn’t mean for it to hap—”
“Did Jeremy do this to you?” He shakes his head in disgust. “I can’t believe I trusted that slimy little—”
“I love him!” My natural defense goes up, before it’s overshadowed with memories of what Jeremy said.
Dad laughs. “You love him?” He shakes his head again. “If you two are so in love, then why did he put you at risk? Why did he take away your innocence? And why in the hell isn’t he here right now telling me he got you pregnant!”
I cover my head with my arms to protect myself from the truth, unable to accept my dad’s anger and disappointment.
“He’s damn lucky he’s not eighteen yet, or I would charge him with statutory.” The judge in him has taken a seat at the bench. “He deserves to rot.”
My stomach is lodged in my throat. Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t defend Jeremy right now. “I need your help. I don’t know what to do. Please.”
Mom, who has remained silent, stands and quietly places the pregnancy test on the nightstand. “This isn’t a fixable problem, Josephine.”
Her calm, detached whisper sends the blood draining from my face.
“Your dad and I have a lot to talk about. So I suggest you stay here until we figure this situation out.”
She leaves the room with my father, calmly closing the door behind them. I cocoon myself in covers, wrapping my arms protectively around my stomach, and pray the white cotton will shield me and this little baby from the outside world.
Unfortunately, those blankets couldn’t shield me from anything, let alone what came next.
1
Joss
Present
Tonight.
Tonight, I’m stepping out of my comfort zone. I’m going to be a different person.
I replay the mantra over and over in my head. Luciana turns me to face the mirror, and a stunning girl looks back from the reflection. Victoria’s Secret-worthy hair is embellished with a few blue streaks to complement my stage name, and my makeup is photo shoot ready.
“Holy crap, Lu, how did you do that?”
My dear, low tolerance friend rolls her hazel eyes. “Gee, I don’t know. I suppose it’s simple really. Beautiful girl sits in my chair, I do her hair, makeup, then bam!” She makes the little explosion motion with her fingers. “A knockout is born.” Her sarcasm hangs in the air like dirty laundry.
“You make it sound so simple.”
She sighs. “Promise me you’re going to try to have some fun tonight. Don’t think too hard. Be reckless. Kiss a hot guy for no reason.”
Heat creeps up my cheeks at the idea, but I’m not shocked. Her mission is always to get me out of my box and back into the world. The girl staring back at me has my gray eyes, with little flecks of yellow, and the button nose I got from my great-grandma, but the rest of the flawless masterpiece my friend put together is absolutely stunning.
Catching my attention in the mirror, she gives me a stern look. “Sing your heart out, have a few drinks, find a man. Those are the rules you live by tonight, got it? Hopefully you’ll give yourself the night off from, well… you.”
Sighing, I turn the chair and look her straight in the eye. “Got it. I promise. I’m taking my costume, putting it on, and I’m going to be someone else tonight.” Hopefully this will ease her worries.
“Dammit!” Apparently, that wasn’t the trick. “That’s not a costume! It’s skinny jeans, a halter top, and sexy-ass shoes!” She stomps her foot, hands waving frantically while pointing out the obvious. “This is what I mean!”
Her frustration on this matter is nothing new.
“Okay, okay, it’s not a costume.”
To me, though, it is. My day-to-day life would never consist of me looking like this, all decked out and beautiful. Nope, I’m perfectly happy to hide in my boring shell.
Well, except for tonight.
Tonight, I’m Blue J.
Tonight, I’m someone else.
Cain
My steel-toed boots echo with each step down the long narrow hallway that leads to the employee locker room, my muscles aching with fatigue. We just finished our unit’s mandatory training. This one’s focus was a lockdown of the facility if someone should attempt to break in. I know it’s important to stay up on the constant changes to our job, along with new security and new ways we’re vulnerable to infiltration, but the shit can also feel a lot like Groundhog Day.
The irony, and the ridiculousness, isn’t lost on me that any idiot would want to break in to a maximum-security prison, but you would be surprised what an entry-level drug dealer is willing to do to move up the ranks. Especially when said drug dealer may get the honor of causing enough distraction for the “Godfather” to make his escape. Which is exactly what makes gutter rats feel like sewer kings. It’s also the reason my entire body feels as though rigor mortis is setting in after a long day of training drills, and my favorite chair at home is calling my name.
