Bear in the woods, p.6
Bear in the Woods, page 6
‘I brought hot doughnuts,’ said Loretta, holding up a large paper bag. ‘I thought you might like some breakfast. You don’t want to eat hospital food. Daddy promises they don’t cook up the leftover bits from the operations, but I’ve never believed him.’
April scrambled to her feet and snatched the bag from Loretta’s hand. ‘Thank you!’ she said.
Joe gasped. It was so rare to hear April use a politeness word.
Fin also gasped, but simply for breath. Now that he was able to move his ribcage freely he desperately needed to re-oxygenate his body.
‘I brought you the local paper as well,’ continued Loretta.
‘Does it mention the bear?’ asked April, spraying crumbs everywhere as she spoke with a mouth stuffed full of doughnut.
‘No,’ said Loretta. ‘Although it does mention that you hit your head hard. And it also reminds readers that you are the girl with “self-evident mental health problems who ruined this year’s Annual Cockroach Races”.’ Loretta pointed out the part of the text she was quoting.
‘I didn’t ruin them!’ protested April. ‘We saved them.’
‘Yes, well, the last thing people remember is you refusing to accept the key to the city,’ said Loretta.
‘And your dog trying to kill a cat,’ added Fin.
‘They are not symptoms of mental illness,’ said April.
‘No, but it is a list of reasons why no one likes you,’ said Loretta.
‘So you’re saying if Mr Popular over here,’ April pointed at Joe, who turned pink with embarrassment to be reminded of his own popularity, ‘if he saw a bear, everyone would believe him?’
‘Of course they would,’ said Loretta. ‘Joe is good at lawn bowls. That counts for a lot in Currawong.’
‘Well, I’ll show them,’ declared April. ‘We’ve got to get out there and find it!’
‘Find what?’ asked Joe.
‘Duh, the bear!’ said April.
‘Then do what?’ asked Fin. ‘Catch it? Kill it? Because it would be pretty hard to do either once it’s mauled us all to death.’
‘We’re not going to hurt it,’ declared April. ‘That bear is a majestic animal. I do not approve of hurting animals for any reason.’
‘Unless they’re humans,’ observed Fin. ‘Then you’re all for it.’
‘Humans have totally got it coming,’ said April menacingly. ‘But that poor bear can’t be happy. It hasn’t got any of its natural diet. There are no salmon for it to catch.’
‘Bears must eat something else besides salmon,’ argued Fin.
‘Banana cream pie from pic-a-nic baskets,’ said Loretta. ‘At least that’s what Yogi Bear always eats in every episode of that cartoon. Quite a repetitive show really, when you think about it.’
‘We could g-go and see O-O-Officer Odinsson,’ said Joe. ‘He’s an e-e-e …’
‘Excruciating idiot?’ guessed April, trying to finish Joe’s sentence for him.
‘No, an e-e-expert,’ said Joe. ‘With animals.’
‘An expert at being a nitwit,’ said April, rolling her eyes.
‘Hello,’ said Dad, appearing in the doorway. ‘I popped home and got your uniforms so you can go straight to school.’
‘We can’t go to school today!’ said April.
‘Why?’ asked Dad, looking worried. ‘Does Dr Vass want to do more tests on you? They always want to do more tests. But they never say what for.’
‘I don’t care what Dr Vass wants,’ said April. ‘I’m not going to school because I’ve got to find that bear.’
‘She still thinks she saw a bear?’ Dad asked Joe.
Joe nodded.
‘Besides, it’s Sunday,’ said Fin. ‘People would think it was pretty weird if we turned up for school on a Sunday.
‘It is?’ asked Dad.
‘Doughnut?’ offered Loretta, holding out the bag to Dad and giving him her most winning smile.
He looked dubiously into the paper sack. ‘Have you put sedatives in the doughnuts to placate me?’
‘No, but we are in a hospital,’ said Loretta. ‘I’m sure that could be arranged.’
‘I don’t think I should allow you to go off into the bush,’ said Dad, fishing out a cinnamon doughnut and taking a bite.
‘I’ve got a serious head injury,’ said April, pointing at the large bandage on her forehead. Blood was weeping through the centre of it. ‘I need to recuperate. And what better way than out in the fresh air, taking a bushwalk by the creek?’
‘I don’t know,’ said Dad.
‘We’re going to ask the local animal control officer if he’ll help,’ said Joe.
Loretta offered Dad another doughnut. He looked at the delicious treats, then at her impossibly beautiful smiling face.
‘Well, I suppose that does sound reasonable,’ said Dad, taking a big bite of his second doughnut. ‘Perhaps I had better come with you.’
‘No, you need to work on the computer,’ said Fin. ‘You were going to try to get it working again.’
‘Oh yes, I was,’ remembered Dad. ‘It’s so hard at this time of year. There is so much work to do in the garden.’
‘You r-really should try,’ Joe urged. ‘There might be a clue about who broke in.’
‘All right,’ said Dad. ‘I’ll try.’
‘Excellent!’ said April, pulling on her jeans.
‘You didn’t actually drug the doughnuts, did you?’ Fin asked Loretta in a whisper.
‘No, silly,’ said Loretta. ‘But it is scientifically proven that the endorphins released when you consume a combination of fat, sugar, gluten and complex carbohydrates are themselves a powerful drug. Especially when you’ve been sitting in a hospital all night and you haven’t had breakfast yet.’
‘The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach,’ said Fin.
‘No, the way to cloud a man’s brain is through his stomach,’ said Loretta. ‘I don’t care about hearts. I like to take control right from the power centre of the central nervous system.’
The Currawong Council building was seriously impressive – solid Edwardian architecture, landscaped gardens and customised modern interiors with the latest computer technology. The office of their animal controller, however, was not. It was a repurposed shipping container around the back of the building in the car park.
Somehow, after all the town planners, parking inspectors, pet registrars, rates collectors and elected councillors had been given an office there was no room in the main building for the animal control officer. No doubt because someone wise allocated the offices and decided that they didn’t want animal poo tracked into the building.
The shipping container had been beautified slightly by the addition of a sign saying ‘Animal Control Office’ and a small hanging planter full of flowers. But the attempt was nullified by the fact that the flowers were dead. Officer Odinsson was evidently not a nurturer. The security grille over the windows and the butt end of an air-conditioning unit sticking out of the external wall were not very welcoming either.
‘It d-d-doesn’t look like anybody’s h-home,’ said Joe.
‘We’re not going to find out staring at the building,’ said April. ‘Unless you’ve got secret X-ray vision that you haven’t been telling us about.’
April strode up and pounded on the door. She waited half a second for a response, then turned the handle and threw the door open.
‘You can’t just burst in!’ protested Fin.
‘Of course I can,’ said April. ‘This is a council office. We live in the council area. He’s here to serve us.’
April strode into the office and immediately wished she hadn’t. Predictably, there were animals in cages and a desk covered in paperwork. But what April had not expected to see was Officer Odinsson fast asleep on a sofa, wearing nothing but a work shirt and boxer shorts.
‘Aaaaggghhhh!’ screamed April.
‘Aaaaggggghhhhh!’ screamed Officer Odinsson as he leapt to his feet and tried to cover his baggy boxer shorts with the screen of his desktop computer.
‘Why aren’t you wearing pants?!’ yelled April. ‘Are you trying to traumatise children?’
‘I got koala poo on them,’ explained Officer Odinsson. ‘I had to move a koala off the train tracks this morning. It was holding up the 9.12 train to the city. I had to wash them, so now I’m waiting for them to dry.’
Officer Odinsson pointed to his khaki pants that were drying in front of a heater on the other side of the room.
‘What happened to your arms?’ asked Loretta.
Officer Odinsson had several blood-stained bandages and patches along his forearms.
‘The koala,’ he replied. ‘They’re vicious little creatures. Huge claws!’
‘Shouldn’t you have been wearing protective gloves and clothing?’ asked Fin.
‘I didn’t expect to have to,’ said Officer Odinsson. ‘It was a koala. It looked so cuddly.’
Joe handed Officer Odinsson his still damp pants.
‘Do you mind?’ Officer Odinsson said to April and the Loretta, reluctant to put the computer monitor down while they were watching.
‘Not at all,’ said Loretta gleefully.
‘I think he wants you to turn around so he can put his t-t-trousers on,’ explained Joe.
Loretta pouted. ‘Spoilsport’.
She and April turned their backs. Fin did too. He didn’t want to see Officer Odinsson’s boxers either.
‘What are you even doing here?’ the animal control officer asked as he pulled on his pants. ‘Shouldn’t you be in hospital?’
‘I can’t lie about in bed when there’s a bear loose in the forest!’ said April.
‘What do you want from me then?’ asked Officer Odinsson.
‘You’re the animal control officer,’ said April. ‘You’re going to help us find it.’ April looked about the office. ‘Do you have a crate big enough to hold a bear? I suppose you’ll need tranquilliser darts as well. You’d better get all that together.’
‘She’s off her rocker, isn’t she?’ Officer Odinsson asked Joe.
Joe nodded.
‘We don’t have bears in this country,’ Officer Odinsson said to April before turning back to Joe. ‘What does she think – that one swam here from Canada?’
Joe shrugged. He’d long given up trying to guess what April thought.
‘She saw something big and hairy out there,’ said Fin. ‘It’s probably best for you to figure out what it was.’
‘It’s not going to look good for you if a wild creature goes on a bloodthirsty rampage,’ said Loretta, with a sweet smile. ‘It would be terrible if you lost your nice, safe job at the council, where you can lie around with your pants off taking naps in the middle of the day.’
‘Are you implying I don’t work hard?’ demanded Officer Odinsson.
‘Not at all,’ said Loretta, tilting her head as she smiled even more. ‘Obviously moving one koala is exhausting.’
‘Is she being sarcastic?’ Officer Odinsson demanded, turning to Joe and Fin.
Joe had no idea about that either.
‘She’s either always being sarcastic or never being sarcastic,’ said Fin. ‘I haven’t figured out which.’
‘Chitchat, chitchat,’ said April, making duck quacking actions with her hand. ‘Less yacking, more action. Now that Officer Dunderhead is decent, let’s get out there and rescue this bear.’
She threw open the office door and tromped out to the animal control officer’s truck. Pumpkin trotting at her heels.
‘How do you put up with her?’ asked Officer Odinsson, unlocking the steel cabinet on the wall and taking out his tranquilliser handgun.
‘We don’t have a choice,’ said Joe.
They were soon heading out of Currawong, over the rickety old bridge along the road to the national park. Loretta sat in the front passenger seat, much to the disappointment of Fin who would have dearly liked to squash into the back seat alongside her. But squishing Loretta into the bench seat of a ute cab was like asking the Queen of England to sit on the handlebars of a bicycle – unthinkable.
Joe sat in the middle of the back seat, even though he was the biggest and would most obscure Officer Odinsson’s vision in the rear-view mirror. Joe always sat in the middle to stop April and Fin from fighting. April would still occasionally reach around to take a whack at her smaller brother, but Joe was a thickset boy, so he would usually just catch it in his ribs.
Pumpkin sat delighted on April’s lap, barking at every dog, bird and wind-tossed leaf they drove past.
They’d been driving for five minutes when Officer Odinsson broke the silence among the humans. ‘So,’ he said. He then paused for several moments. ‘What’s your problem with Daisy?’ Officer Odinsson glared at Joe in the rear-view mirror as he said this.
Joe’s mouth opened and closed several times, but no sound came out. His brain didn’t know what to say first, so there was no way his recalcitrant tongue would know what to do.
‘Yeah, Joe,’ said Loretta, her eyes twinkling with delight. ‘What is your problem with Daisy?’
‘Huh?’ said Joe. His fight or flight instinct had kicked in, but wedged between his brother and sister he couldn’t throw himself out of the moving vehicle.
‘Because you know there was no conviction recorded against her,’ continued Officer Odinsson. ‘The boy only spent two days in hospital. There was no permanent scarring.’
‘I d-d-don’t know what you’re t-t-talking about,’ said Joe.
‘You don’t?’ said Officer Odinsson. ‘Then why wouldn’t you go out with her? She’s a beautiful girl.’
‘Gross!’ said April. ‘You’re her brother, you’re not meant to think like that.’
‘He’s right though,’ said Loretta. ‘Daisy is pretty.’
‘Not as pretty as you,’ said Fin, before he could stop himself.
Just then, there was a deafening wail behind them. They all whipped around to see what it was. A police car had pulled out onto the road, throwing up dust and gravel as it fishtailed onto the bitumen.
‘It’s Constable Pike!’ said Loretta.
‘What does that lackwit want?’ complained April.
The police car’s lights were flashing as Constable Pike accelerated until he was right behind the animal control officer’s truck.
‘I’d better stop and see,’ said Officer Odinsson, with a sigh. ‘Bob’s been like this ever since we were at school and he got his first SRC badge. The power went straight to his head.’
Officer Odinsson pulled over and Constable Pike drew up behind them.
‘Should we get out and see what he w-w-wants?’ asked Joe.
‘No, he feels more powerful if he can stand up while we’re sitting down and peer in at us,’ explained Officer Odinsson as he pressed the button to open his window. ‘Morning, Bob.’
Constable Pike ignored the pleasantry and bent over to look through the car window.
‘Do you have authorisation to take these four minors in your vehicle?’ asked the constable.
‘It was the other way round. They came and got me,’ said Officer Odinsson. ‘It’s my job to control animals, not children.’
‘I’ve got a serious head injury,’ said April. ‘I need to be accompanied by a responsible adult. I couldn’t find one, so I had to make do with this blockhead.’
‘Fine, but this boy failed to report for his community service commitments,’ accused Constable Pike, pointing at Fin.
‘But I did bush regeneration yesterday,’ protested Fin.
‘Only because the Cat Lady was at the hospital recuperating from surgery,’ said Constable Pike. ‘She’s ready for you today.’
‘Oh, come on,’ said Fin. ‘My sister needs help catching a bear. That’s community service, isn’t it? And a bit more urgent than helping a cat lady.’
‘She’s the only cat lady we’ve got,’ said Constable Pike. ‘You injured her. You’ve got to do the right thing. Come on, I’ll drive you over there.’
Fin cast a wistful look at Loretta. There would be no chance of getting squashed in the back seat with her on the way back now.
‘This is so not fair,’ he grumbled as he opened the door and got out.
Pumpkin leapt over Joe and nipped Fin on the seat of his pants as a parting gesture.
‘So you’re letting these kids take you on a wild-goose chase for that bear, are you?’ asked Constable Pike, with a smirk.
Officer Odinsson bristled. ‘It’s my responsibility to respond to any animal sighting reported by a member of the community.’
‘You’d better hurry out there then,’ said Constable Pike. ‘There might be a bunyip and the Loch Ness Monster roaming around too.’ He slammed the door, laughing at his own joke.
‘I’d like to shoot him with a tranquilliser dart and shove him in a cage,’ grumbled Officer Odinsson as he put the car in gear and pulled away.
‘I feel b-b-bad for letting Constable Pike take Fin,’ said Joe.
‘Puh-lease,’ said April, rolling her eyes. ‘It was inevitable Fin would have a run in with the law, given his bad attitude.’
‘We’re talking about Fin, not you,’ said Joe.
‘I never get into trouble because I’m always able to charm my way out of it,’ said April.
‘You’re totally d-d-deluded,’ said Joe.
‘How else do you explain the fact that I do all the things I do, and yet I’m not in some sort of juvenile detention centre?’ asked April.
‘She’s got a point,’ said Loretta. ‘I’ve only known you for a few of weeks, and it’s already clear to me she should have been locked up in an institution years ago.’
April nodded. ‘You see.’
‘Perhaps there’s some sort of vast conspiracy among the authorities that is acting to protect April and all your family,’ said Loretta, with a smile.
Joe gulped. Loretta was too close to the mark. He couldn’t let her find out that they were being hunted by Kolektiv agents. ‘Don’t be s-s-stupid,’ he said.
‘Hey, don’t call Loretta stupid,’ said April. ‘That’s rude!’
Loretta smiled. ‘People are often rude when they’re frightened by the truth.’ She winked at Joe, which only frightened him even more.
