Five fanger witch punch, p.1
Five Fanger Witch Punch, page 1
FIVE FANGER WITCH PUNCH
THE MISCREANTS #3
MAGIC AND MAYHEM UNIVERSE
R.L. MERRILL
Copyright © 2022 by Celie Bay Publications LLC
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All rights reserved.
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No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without written permission from the author, except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.
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This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, businesses, companies, events, or locales is coincidental.
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This book contains content that may not be suitable for young readers 17 and under.
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The Author of this Book has been granted permission by Robyn Peterman to use the copyrighted characters and/or worlds created by Robyn Peterman in this book. All copyright protection to the original characters and/or worlds of the Magic and Mayhem series is retained by Robyn Peterman.
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Author: R.L. Merrill
Edited by: Edit Me This - Kelli Collins
Cover by: Black Ravens Designs
Created with Vellum
CONTENTS
Foreword
Miscreants #3
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Acknowledgments
About the Author
FOREWORD
Foreword
Blast Off with us into the Magic and Mayhem Universe!
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I’m Robyn Peterman, the creator of the Magic and Mayhem Series and I’d like to invite you to my Magic and Mayhem Universe.
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What is the Magic and Mayhem Universe, you may ask?
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Well, let me explain…
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It’s basically authorized fan fiction written by some amazing authors that I stalked and blackmailed! KIDDING! I was lucky and blessed to have some brilliant authors say yes! They have written brand new stories using my world and some of my characters. And let me tell you…the results are hilarious!
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So here it is! Blast off with us into the hilarious Magic and Mayhem Universe. Side splitting books by fantabulous authors! Check out each and every one. You will laugh your way to a magical HEA!
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For all the stories, go to https://magicandmayhemuniverse.com/. Grab your copy today!
And if you would like to read the book that started all the madness, Switching Hour is FREE!
https://robynpeterman.com/switching-hour/
MISCREANTS #3
New vampires and life mates Wilma and Gus have had so much to learn that they haven’t had any alone time to strengthen their bond. There have been countless interruptions and obstacles, including Wilma’s foray into witchy MMA, so when Roy Bermangoggleshitz shows up, requesting help from Wilma to locate his missing children in Louisiana in the midst of a storm, she’s determined to use her newly freed magic for good. However, this presents yet another challenge to her relationship with Gus, who’s worried whether he has what it takes to be her mate. A road trip, a weather emergency, and a supernatural showdown will either bring them closer than ever, or could bring about a premature end to their forever.
1
Wilma
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“Are you sure this is necessary, amor?”
My mate and love of my life Gus had been trying to talk me out of tonight’s main event all week, but this was something I had to do if I wanted there to be peace in our town. Assjacket, West Virginia.
He handed me a sports bottle with a special sports-blend of blood—aptly named Red Bull—but I waved it away. If I drank too much, the combination of nerves and the bouncing on my toes I was doing to stay warm was going to make me pee my pants in front of everyone, and that would not be a winning move.
“Gus, I’ll be fine. I have no choice. If I don’t do this, I won’t be able to stay in this town. I’ve worked so hard on the TV station, and Bertram and I have set up the house, not to mention the late-night show…”
“But I don’t want you to get hurt, and no offense, because I know you’re a badass, but Zelda kinda scares the undead midnights out of me.”
The part about this current dilemma I hated the most was that somehow, when my powers were unlocked by Gus accidentally turning me into a vampire, I was put on the witch’s bad side. Witches in Germany, where I’d spent the first 112 of my years of life, possessed something similar to a pheromone that made other witches angry, violent. It had never been an issue for me until my death and birth into vampirism. The death part broke the hex that I’d had my whole life, and the whole vampire bit? Witches naturally hate vampires. Double trouble.
I’d only just met Zelda—the mate of the town’s alpha—and was hoping maybe I’d found a friend, but then she told me in no uncertain terms—
“I’m kicking your ass, hexen!”
Cheers rang out through the makeshift auditorium at Zelda’s taunt. I knew at one point they used to put on plays here, but tonight, the energy was a bit more…bloodthirsty.
“Yeah, well, her bite is much worse than her bark,” Gus’s cousin Freddy shouted back, flashing his fangs across the ring.
“Freddy, stop that,” Gus said. “Don’t make it worse!”
“How’s it going over here?”
Jacob put his arm around Gus and gave me a playful fist to the jaw. Jacob was the town alpha’s brother and our vampire mentor, and he was trying somewhat unsuccessfully to remain impartial, since Zelda was his sister-in-law. I’d heard that Jacob had even placed a wager on who would win tonight. I didn’t want to know who he’d picked.
“How’s that? Tight enough? Too tight?” Gus’s other cousin Vinny was wrapping my hands. I’d had to file down my long, undead-enhanced nails so as not to gouge out any eyeballs, and the tape Vinny was using was already itchy and sweaty.
“How should I know? I can’t move my fingers—”
“Then it’s doing its job.”
I looked helplessly at Gus. “What am I even doing here?” I whispered. “I know I have to do this, but I don’t want to fight her!”
He sighed and moved to my back so he could rub my shoulders. “I know, amor. I hate it too. I’m sorry. It’ll all be over soon.”
“Carol thought this would help Zelda get rid of her… What did she call them?” Jacob asked, scratching his head.
“Ya-yas,” Freddy said. “Ya-yas with ta-tas, if it’s two chicks. I am here for it!”
Gus slugged him in the gut and he made an oof sound but kept laughing.
“You’re not helping, primo. Go get some extra bottles of Crimson Heiffer, Special Edition, for Wilma. If she gets injured, or if she draws blood on Zelda, we may need to draw her attention away.”
“Copy that.”
Carol came over to my corner of the ring in her shiny purple backless tuxedo bodysuit. “You ready over here?” she asked, rubbing her hands together. “This is going to be great! I haven’t seen a couple of chicks going at it since I rushed the stage at the Indigo Girls concert. Or maybe it was when I was in the pit at the last P*ssy Riot show. Those chicks are badass.”
“Carol? Isn’t there another way? I don’t want to fight her.”
Carol shook her head. “No can do, my fanged fräulein. The gauntlet has been thrown down. The challenge has been accepted. You both need to get this bit of rivalry out of your systems or else this town ain’t gonna be big enough for the two of you.”
I slumped a little in my chair and felt Gus squeeze my shoulder.
Gus. My mate, my love. He’d helped me train for this stupid fight and promised me that he’d kiss my boo-boos when it was all over. I just hoped Zelda didn’t end my undead existence in the ring.
I was a good fighter before I’d been turned, but now? I was even more fierce and I didn’t want to hurt her. That could be my downfall. If I hurt the town’s head witch, I’d never be able to show my face in public, nor could I expect my news station to be successful. The only good outcome of the two of us beating the snot out of each other was me losing, or some sort of magical intervention. One could hope.
“Hey, Wilma?” Gus cleared his throat and licked his lips. “I know this isn’t the best time—”
“It’s time,” Carol said, clapping her hands together.
Zelda growled and her husband Mac placed his hands on her shoulders. He hadn’t wanted this fight to happen either, but every time someone said my name around Zelda, she’d start breaking shit. She felt that was unacceptable, as she was beginning to act like her husband, so the fight was on.
Carol trotted to the middle of the ring where a microphone was lowered from the ceiling, just like in a real fight. A bell rang out and the crowd—witches and Shifters of all shapes and sizes, some in their human forms, some in their alter egos—lowered their voices to hushed whispers.
“Assjacket…ARE YOU READY TO RAMBLE?”
“Doesn’t she mean rumble?” Freddy muttered, but it didn’t seem to matter to the crowd. They whooped and hollered, jumping to their feet in excitement.
“Tonight we have the mumble of the century. Two powerful, magically delicious witches are about to go mano-a-mano to see who’s the toughest of the tough. In this corner,” she said, gesturing to me, “all the way from the Harz Mountains in Germany, we have the Hexiest Hexen from Hexenburg, Wham Bam Thank You Ma’am Wetter!”
The applause was audible. It didn’t rupture eardrums, there were no sharp whistles or rhythmic stomps on the bleachers or anything, but it was acceptable for a new-ish resident of Assjacket who had recently made a significant life change.
A little over a year ago, I’d moved to this magicals-only town in hopes of escaping an eternity of loneliness due to a family curse that bound my magic at birth. I was now running the local TV station and broadcasting weather reports while producing a variety of programming with my friends. Oh, and I’d met my mate, fallen ridiculously in love, and he’d accidentally turned me into a vampire. It was a wild life here in Assjacket.
I waved at the crowd and smiled nervously.
There were a few boos as I sat back down on my stool.
“And in THIS corner, weighing in at—”
“Don’t you dare.” Zelda shot colorful sparks at her former boss and current stepmother’s ass. Carol couldn’t be bothered, however. She was having a blast.
“The mistress of mayhem, the healer of our beloved town, the one, the only, the mediocrely dressed—”
“What?! I’ll show you medio—”
“Zippety Doo Dah Zelda!”
The crowd went absolutely wild and then the rhythmic foot stomping began, to “We Will Rock You” no less. This was not good.
“Hey,” Gus said, kneeling before me and taking my stiff hands in his. “You’re going to be great. Just avoid getting hit in the mouth. I don’t want your fangs to hurt you. Oh, and remember your dancing feet. Keep bobbing and weaving and eventually, she’ll get tired. Heck, maybe the whole auditorium will get bored and wander off.”
The crowd was now screaming the lyrics to the song, but they’d changed them:
Baby, you’re a girl, makin’ sparks
Spellcasting in the street, gonna be Baba Yaga someday
You got on warts on your face, you big disgrace
Showing your ass all over the place, singin'
We will, we will hex you
We will, we will hex you
Girly, you’re a hot-ass witch
Forecasting in the street, gonna take on Baba Yaga someday
You got blood on your fangs, you wear silly bangs
Waving your wand all over the place
We will, we will hex you, sing it!
We will, we will hex you, yeah!
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“Okay maybe not. Whatever happens, I love you, baby.”
I smiled down at Gus, and he winked at me.
I would be okay, no matter what, because Gus loved me, and between him, his cousins, my beloved best friend Bertram Cravenly, and my familiar Woodrow—wait, where was Woodrow? I glanced around and was about to ask where he was when the entire audience began to scream and throw their hands up.
“Oh my heck,” I laughed. Woodrow was running along the steps of the bleachers while raising his hands, trying to start a wave, but instead of cheering, the crowd was staring at him like “who invited the woodchuck?” Gus and his cousins were laughing hysterically, and even Jacob had a smile on his face.
It was sure nice to have these people in my corner after spending over a hundred years alone. We’d become a team. The Five Fangers!
“Tonight’s fight will be to the death—”
“What?!” I gasped
“The hell?” Mac yelled.
“Kidding, just wanted to make sure you were all awake. No, tonight’s fight will determine which witch is bitchin’, which woman is the wiliest, and which one of these two magical creatures is the magic-est! Now, let’s party!”
She rang a bell—and nothing happened.
She cleared her throat and rang the bell again. This time, her main squeeze—and Zelda’s father—popped in out of thin air wearing a sparkly gold G-string.
Poor Fabio. He was even in knee-high boots with stiletto heels as he pranced around the ring holding up a glittery cardboard sign.
“Sorry, honey,” he said to Zelda.
She stared at him, wide-eyed, and then muttered, “I’ll never unsee this.”
“Round One,” Carol cackled and then slapped Fabio’s ass to get him moving. “I’ll say. What a nice ass.”
“Can we please get this over with?” he asked, mortified, as he walked around the ring. “I think I just sliced open my taint on a sequin.” He blew Zelda a kiss as she covered her face and shook her head. To me, he whispered, “Good luck, Wilma.”
“Thanks.”
I got to my feet and gave Gus a grateful smile. To have him as my corner coach for this bizarre turn of events while in the middle of a series of bizarre events, well, it meant the world to me.
“Come to the center of the ring and shake hands,” Carol demanded with flourish that involved lots of colorful sparks. As long as they weren’t directed at me, it was all good.
But Zelda continued to give me the stank eye.
“The rules are you can use any of your body parts but you may not use your magic. This is a straight-up brawl, so use what’s at your disposal. No spells, no chants, no magical enhancements. Got it?”
We both nodded.
“I’m sorry we have to do this,” I said to her, shaking my hands out. I avoided smiling at her because I always presented myself in a straightforward manner and I wanted her to know I really hated this.
“Yeah, me, too, but I can’t help it. We gotta fight. Otherwise I’m going to be wanting to kick your ass from here to eternity.”
I stuck out my hand and she grabbed it…then pulled me closer so we were nose to nose. The crowd gasped, and I fought the urge to back away.
“May the best witch win?” I offered in a shaky voice.
An evil grin spread over her lips. “This is going to be fun. You’re going down, hexen.”
She let go and backed away from me as I stumbled, trying to remain upright. Her eyes never left me as she began to pace back and forth.
“I’m gonna clean this mat with you,” she snarled at me. “I’m going to bathe in your blood. I’m gonna—”
“Are you actually going to hit me, or just trash talk for the entire round? Because I’m waiting.”
She blinked at me for a second and then her right hook came flying at my face. I dodged it easily, as well as her left jab and then a potential throat punch.
Oooo, I guess she was going to play dirty.
“Come on, Wilma! Show her how you do things in Hexenlandia!” Carol shouted, pumping her fist in the air.
“Who’s side are you on, anyway?” Zelda growled at her. “I should kick your ass instead.”
Carol snorted. “Nonsense. I’m your stepmother. It would be inappropriate.”
“Oh, but dressing my father up in your sequined nightmare is perfectly normal? Grrr.”
Zelda came at me again, fists flying. I easily dodged her hits and ducked a roundhouse that nearly caught me in the jaw.
“You have nice form,” I said to her, willing to be civil.
“Can’t say the same for you. Are you just going to stand there? Or—”
I went in with my right and hit her with three chops to the head. I didn’t use a lot of force, but just enough to show her she needed to keep her guard up.
