Hose monkey js 1, p.1
Hose monkey js-1, page 1
part #1 of Joe Serpe Series
Hose monkey
( Joe Serpe - 1 )
Reed Farrel Coleman
Reed Farrel Coleman
Hose monkey
Monday Morning,Presidents’ Day February 16th, 2004
SODA CAN
Joe Serpe just assumed there was no more, that things had moved well beyond loss and grief, beyond worsening. He was only about an hour from learning there’s always more and there’s always worse.
He felt like the leftovers from autopsy class. Mulligan, the last thing he had left to show for fifteen years of marriage, was pawing the empty Absolut bottle, pawing at it then pouncing on it. But it wasn’t the cat or the scraping of the bottle as it rolled over the gritty linoleum floor that had slapped Joe out of his stupor. That honor went to the phone.
“Fuck!” He propped himself up on one elbow. Trying to sit would have ripped him in two. Still, it would have been easy enough to reach over and slide the volume switch to zero on the answering machine. He didn’t move. Instead he counted the rings, his lips moving silently, the numbers resonating in the fog. Two… Three… Four… The voice that filled the room was not his own.
This is Vinny. I’m out swallowing smoke or stout. If it’s a one-alarmer, leave your name and number and a message. If it’s a two-alarmer, call 911. If it’s gone to three alarms and you’re still in your house making this call, bend over and kiss your ass goodbye, cause you’re screwed. Have a nice day.
Joe had written those words for his brother to say. Scripts helped Vinny with his stuttering. It’s how he dealt with emergencies on the job, how he had passed the entrance test. Joe’s heart raced every time he heard his little brother’s voice. It was all that was left of him. Sure, there were pictures-hundred of pictures-and Vinny’s uniform shirts that still hung in his closet like offerings in a lightless shrine. There was his badge and his crushed helmet and the flag that had draped his coffin and the stories from the newspapers. But those were things, artifacts, fossils, as dry and meaningless to Joe as a squirrel skull dug up in the backyard. No, the message tape was alive. It was more a reflection of Vinny’s life than any object or eulogy.
September 11th, 2001 had robbed a lot of people of a lot of things, but Joe Serpe could not and would not be convinced that anyone had lost more than him. When you’re already in a place where further down looks like up, any loss, never mind that of your baby brother, is magnified, amplified a thousand fold. Few people who knew Joe, even those cops who didn’t speak to him anymore, would argue the point. It was Vinny who took him in after the divorce. Vinny who stood by him through all the departmental hearings. Vinny who stopped him from eating his gun.
Vincent Anthony Serpe was just one of three-hundred-forty-three New York City firemen killed that day. Some had died heroic deaths. Some not. From all accounts, Vinny’s was neither particularly heroic nor inglorious. He was felled by debris as he ran for cover when the first tower collapsed. In fact, Joe Serpe had been told he was lucky. Vinny’s body, at least, had been recovered intact. A lot of the men who had perished were pulverized. Their families would bury empty coffins.
Joe knew he was supposed to take comfort in a full coffin. He took none. He found the concept of closure the purist form of bullshit ever conceived by man. The way people talked about closure it was as if grief was as simple as going back to cross a forgotten “t”. Whether his brother’s coffin contained a broken torso or a sack full of rocks was of no consequence to Joe. Dead was fucking dead, body or no body. What mattered was that of the two creatures left on earth whom he loved and who loved him back, one was gone forever. Two and a half years of facing that reality hadn’t lessened the ache of it. Neither, as it happened, had the vodka.
“Mr. Serpe, this is Captain Kelly,” a booming voice poured out of the little speaker. “I was your brother’s commander. We met at his funeral. It’s Monday and I know I’m callin’ real early, but I got alotta calls to make. I just wanted to let you know that Pete Hegarty’s wife Pam’s throwin’ a second birthday party for the twins and…”
Joe half-listened to what Kelly had to say. The tone of the captain’s voice intrigued him. Clearly, Kelly was annoyed by the continuing presence of Vinny’s voice on the answering machine. Joe couldn’t have cared less. He’d stopped caring about what other people thought of him a long time ago. He’d had to. It was a matter of survival. Given the last four years of his life, caring would have crushed him as surely as the hurtling concrete and steel had killed his brother.
Joe was shocked to find the phone in his hand. “Captain Kelly, this is Joe Serpe here.”
If it had been almost anyone else from the department, he would have turned down the answering machine and gone back to his coma, but he remembered Kelly as being good to Vinny, welcoming him, mentoring him. Unlike the other hypocritical pricks at his brother’s memorial, Kelly had cried real tears. The rest of them, as far as Joe was concerned, could all go to hell. These same men who carried his coffin and called him brother in death had taunted Vinny for his shyness, his stuttering, and called him fag, retard, and Va-Va-Vinny on September 10th. Death was too big a price to pay to finally get into the fraternity.
“Hello, Mr. Serpe, I was just callin’-”
“Yeah, I know. I heard.”
“Pam Hegarty wanted me to… She thinks we need to be together.”
“I can’t make it.”
“But, I haven’t given you the date and-”
“Whenever it is, I can’t make it.” Joe was regretting having picked up. His head was pounding and he could feel the tears beginning to well up. He knew he had better speak his piece and get off. “Listen, Captain, I didn’t get a chance to say this at the funeral, but I wanted to tell you that I really appreciated the way you treated my little brother. He told me how good you were to him.”
“Your brother was a fireman’s fireman,” Kelly said.
The phone was back in its cradle.
Mulligan had given up trying to slay the bottle. He wanted real food, the smell of which induced a round of vomiting in Joe the likes of which he hadn’t experienced in years.
“Fuckin’ cat,” he whispered, knowing he couldn’t afford to alienate Mulligan. Mulligan was all he had left.
Joe threw on his stinky oil clothes from Saturday. After three years working oil, he had a week’s worth of uniforms that he washed on Sundays. This past Sunday, he’d been a little too preoccupied researching the subtle differences between the flavors of Swedish and Polish vodka to care about the wash. Actually, his research had started late Saturday night. When he was first on the job, his wife used to say he smelled like a cop. That was crap. An oilman really smells like an oilman, especially in last week’s clothes. Anyway, a fresh uniform didn’t suit his mood. Nothing, not his breath nor even the snow that had fallen on and off since Saturday night, was fresh and clean. Things didn’t stay fresh in Joe’s world for very long.
The sun was just up when Joe squeezed into his Honda-Vinny’s, really. They’d repo-ed Joe’s car after the divorce-between the dump-ster and a mound of exhaust black snow. He knew it was going to be a busy day. Winter Mondays always were, especially after it snowed. People got all psychotic about running out of heating oil when it snowed. It could be ten below and people didn’t give a rat’s ass, but if the weatherman mentioned snow, people went apeshit. Joe didn’t mind busy. Busy was good. Busy meant more cash in his pocket. Busy meant no time to think. He was sick of thinking.
He was still a little unsteady when he got out of the car, the 7-Eleven coffee cup shaking in his hand. He glanced over to where the trucks were parked, making sure that Frank had started up the tugboat. That’s what the drivers called Joe’s old, green Mack. It’s air horn had been broken for years and it sort of sounded like a fog horn. The big blue Mack was running. So was the red Mack, and the International cab-over, but not the tugboat.
“What the fuck?” Joe moaned, half-stumbling into the office.
Frank understood. “Sorry, Joe, the tugboat’s off the road. The tank’s got a pinhole leak and I’m taking her over to Suffolk Welding this morning. You’re on the International today.”
“I hate that truck. It’s a bitch gettin’ in and outta that thing.”
“What can I tell you, Joe? You’ll have the tugboat back tomorrow. Listen, in the meantime, there’s like forty, fifty gallons a diesel left in the International’s tank. You better pump it off before you go load, okay?”
“Whatever.” Joe turned to leave. “Hey.” He hesitated. “You hear anything about the kid?”
“Nah,” Frank said. “It’s too early. My guess is he’s probably back at the home. You know him, how crazy he gets. He probably got all pissed off at something and freaked and couldn’t handle it. In a way, it’s good he didn’t show on Saturday. I was thinking maybe of taking him off the trucks altogether and putting him back in the yard. Now I’m sure.”
“He won’t like that shit. And he’s the best hose monkey we ever had, Frank.”
“Yeah, well.”
By the time he got out to the truck, Joe had forgotten all about the kid. He had troubles enough of his own. He placed the nozzle into the hole atop an empty fifty-five gallon drum. He primed the pump and opened the nozzle trigger on the International, but instead of the expected gush of diesel, the thick, red hose barely stiffened. He heard a slow trickling echo inside the steel drum. Maybe Frank had been wrong about there being diesel left in the tank. It wouldn’t be the first time. It’s almost impossible to keep track of inventory when you pump a hundred tho
Joe closed the nozzle trigger, rechecked the meter, the primer handle and the tank valve, and tried it again. A thunderous clanging rose up from inside the three thousand gallon aluminum tank. Now the pump began straining so loudly he could barely hear the L.I.R.R. train pulling in at the Ronkonkoma Station. Joe had never heard anything like this. He thought he saw the big truck shudder and he immediately closed the pumping trigger. The truck quieted back down.
“What the fuck was that?” Frank screamed as he came racing out of the office. “Did you open the goddam valve?”
“C’mon, Frank, you know better than to ask me that.”
“Yeah, well, you’re lookin’ a little fuckin’ shaky this morning, buddy.”
Joe thought about denying it, but knew he wasn’t going to fool anybody, least of all Frank. “The valve’s open. Look for yourself.”
Frank did, put on a spare pair of rubberized orange gloves and opened the pumping trigger. Once again the clanging rose up, the pump straining fiercely.
“Fuck!”
“I’ll get up top,” Joe said, already climbing the ladder on the rear of the tank.
Once up, Joe thought he saw the problem. The top of the truck was still covered in snow and ice. The hatch vents were clogged. If those vents were sufficiently clogged, you could either create enough back pressure buildup to blow out the tank or a powerful vacuum capable of crushing the tank like a soda can. Joe Serpe got down on his hands and knees, brushed the snow away and chipped at the ice to clear the vents.
“Try it now,” he called down to Frank.
It was no good. If anything the clanging was worse. Joe could feel the pump shaking the truck. Frank shut it down. Joe opened the hatch and had a look. Even in full summer sunlight, it was dark inside a tank. On a bleak February Monday, it was like looking into a black hole.
“Throw me up a flashlight,” he yelled.
“Here she comes,” Frank warned, tossing up a Maglite.
Joe grabbed it in midair, clicked it on and nestled on his knees in the snow at the side of the hatch. He aimed the beam through a hole in the rear tank baffle.
“Well…” Frank called up
He heard Frank, but couldn’t answer. His lips moved, but there was no sound.
Frank was impatient. “What the fuck is it, Joe? Something caught in there?”
“Call 911,” Joe thought he heard himself say.
“What?”
“Call the cops, Frank. Call ‘em right now.”
(Two Days Earlier) Saturday Morning, Valentine’s Day February 14th, 2004
INVISIBILITY
J oe Serpe hopped from foot to foot on the concrete slab porch, watching his breath form clouds on the glass storm door. Early Saturday deliveries were a bitch. Everybody wanted their oil early, but no one was ever up in time to receive it. His knuckles were already raw from knocking and this was only his second stop. There were three doorbells. None of them worked. They never did in this town. Why is it, he wondered, did poor people always have so many doorbells and none of them worked? It was the same when he was on the job. Nothing works the way it’s supposed to in poor neighborhoods. It sucked being poor. There was nothing profound in that thought, but there it was.
Sometimes, customers taped a money-fat envelope to the inside of the storm door, or under the front mat or in a bag attached to the oil fill pipe itself. Joe had already checked. There was no money. This one time, he’d been instructed that the money would be in the glove box of a car parked in the front yard. When he pulled up in the tugboat, there were eleven abandoned cars in the front yard. He went through five of them before finding the money. He laughed to himself thinking about that stop. He wasn’t laughing now.
This shit drove him nuts. He knew someone was home. There were two cars in the driveway. One of them had a warm hood. Joe had checked that, too. Old cop habits die hard. And he thought he could hear a TV coming from inside the house. Though he’d only driven an oil truck for three years, he knew what was going on. Three years, that’s what he’d been told. It takes three years as an oilman to see everything. There’s a learning curve in all professions. Compared to the cops, the learning curve for an oilman was a piece of cake. For a street cop, the learning curve extends past retirement and into the grave. In oil, there’s trucks and tanks and houses-one pretty much like the next. In police work… Well, it was just different.
Joe, the stubborn fuck that he was, banged hard on the door one last time, his fist print smudging the coating of fog his breath had left on the glass. He ran his fingers up and down the row of impotent bells and rapped his knuckles on the front window. His rapping was particularly urgent because now not only was he cold, but he had to pee something wicked. No answer. He knew the drill. These pricks had dialed every oil company in the Pennysaver and had already taken delivery from the first truck that showed. Scummers, that’s what Frank called them. They were on the other side of the door holding their breaths until Joe gave up and drove on. It killed him to do it, but he had twenty other stops to do and an impatient bladder to deal with. He wrote a familiar message on the ticket:
NO ONE HOME/NO MONEY/NO OIL
CALL TO RESCHEDULE
He split the three part ticket, impaling the hard cardboard copy on a broken aluminum prong of the storm door and shoving the top white copy in the mailbox. Joe saved the middle yellow copy to show Frank that he’d tried to do the stop. Not that Frank gave a shit. Frank just threw the yellows out without looking. Joe only got paid for deliveries, not attempted deliveries. As a sort of final fuck you to the people in the house, he threw the carbon paper on the front steps. Just as he let the carbons go, the front door opened.
A skinny Hispanic man in a dirty t-shirt stepped unsteadily onto the stoop. His hair was a mess and the whites surrounding his dull brown eyes were shot with blood.
“Lo siento, jefe,” the man slurred his apologies. “Sleeping.”
“You Mr. Diaz? You ordered fifty gallons, right?” Joe began the scripted dialogue, some version of which he repeated more than 120 times weekly.
“Si, feefty gallons.”
“That’ll be $102.45 cash when I’m done pumping. Okay?” “Mucho dinero, jefe.”
“Si,” Joe agreed. “Muy mucho. You got it?”
“I got,” Diaz answered, staring at his bare cold feet on the concrete porch.
“That the fill pipe there?” Joe pointed at a black pipe extending about a foot out of the front of the house just left of the stoop.
“The pipe, si.” Diaz turned and went back inside.
Joe went into action. He reached into the cab of his old Mack, took out a fresh ticket, wrote it up and slid it into the meter at the back of the truck. With a quick forward twist of the dial at the side of the meter, he locked the ticket in place and cleared the mechanism. He set the meter at fifty, opened the tank valve, slipped on his once-orange gloves and primed the pump. He lifted the nozzle from its holster, threw the hose over his left shoulder and marched it to the fill pipe. At the fill, he unscrewed its cover, screwed the nozzle in place and slid the pumping trigger open. Joe had repeated this routine so often, he found himself acting it out in his sleep. More than once he’d startled awake dreaming he’d dropped the hose.
Almost immediately upon sliding open the trigger, Joe heard music to an oilman’s ears-a whistle. When oil goes into a tank, air is displaced and that air comes howling up through a vent pipe. Only two things ever come out of a vent pipe: air, if you do the delivery right, or, if you fuck up, oil. When the whistling stops, the tank is full. Keep pumping after the whistle stops and you’ve got oil gushing through the vent pipe. Air was good. Oil was bad. It was that straightforward. That was one of the things he liked about the oil business. It was all black or white, good or bad, air or oil. Early on as a cop, Joe had learned that a cop’s universe was shades of gray.
There was little chance of a spill when they ordered fifty gallons. Standard tanks held between 250 and 275 gallons. Joe knew that only poor people or fools ordered only fifty gallons. In this weather, fifty gallons would last five, maybe six days. Then he’d be back. At fifty gallons, oil was almost two bucks a pop. Smart people or people with money ordered two-hundred gallons. It was forty cents cheaper per gallon that way.
