trigger warning

  dear beautiful reader . . .

  i deeply appreciate you embarking on this journey with me, but before we continue, let’s check in.

  i know a lot of you are tuned in because you genuinely enjoy my work, and some of you are here because we’ve gone through similar journeys. i’d like us first to take a deep breath and check in with ourselves, and ask questions like how do you feel? what mental space are you in right now? do you feel okay enough to read through something that may trigger any unwanted feelings or emotions? i’d like you to take this time to be completely honest with yourself, and if you cannot handle it, i will never take any offense to you taking care of your mental health . . . trust me, i’ll still be here!

  for everyone else, i’d like us to take another deep breath and understand this book contains the following triggers.

  (i’ve listed page numbers as well in the event you’d simply prefer to skip over them.)

  1. self-harm: 16, 37

  2. racism: “two americas” chapter

  3. sexual assault: 88, 89, 92

  4. trauma

  5. child abuse: 58, 80, 87

  & possibly more.

  remember to always take care of yourself.

  i love you.

  significance

  searching

  records of self-discovery

  tree folk

  two americas

  snatch

  asé

  take my hand . . . as we journey back home.

  together

  searching

  i spent a lot of time

  searching

  looking for myself

  in everything i did

  in everyone i had

  or those

  who’ve had me

  spent a lot of time

  not understanding

  the longer it took

  to find my way back

  home

  the greater the loss

  would be.

  “finders keepers”

  how ironic is it

  to settle

  abandon my identity

  starve with distaste

  and ultimately be forced

  to learn from lessons

  i taught.

  i didn’t want to write about another heartbreak

  you looked at me

  with eyes that said

  you’d never love again

  but i grabbed your hand

  knowingly

  risking it all

  - forever went by quickly

  i thought i was ready

  until my body froze

  because you smelled familiar

  like heartache

  dipped in your favorite cologne

  you talked as if the spread was full

  as if there would be a plethora of things

  i would receive

  like i’d never get full

  like i’d always have seconds

  you talked as if

  you took the time

  for preparation

  as if you knew exactly what i wanted like

  you were confident i’d have it

  and i’m sure at one point you did

  i’m sure you had everything i ever wanted

  i’m certain i would’ve been fulfilled

  if i had known how long it took

  if i had gotten here sooner

  if i hadn’t been preparing myself as well

  taken the time to get me ready

  maybe i would’ve gotten more

  than just scraps.

  it’s possible

  to want something you’ve never known

  something you haven’t felt

  to wonder how it tastes

  it’s possible to fall in love

  with dreaming.

  i thought i finally had

  love that loved me back

  and it made

  everything

  forgivable

  you saw me

  measured me up

  mustered up enough

  representation

  for my cravings

  i filled you up

  enough to survive endless winters

  enough to rid yourself of the mask

  enough to be you

  you enough

  to never desire me again.

  some of me wants

  to want

  nothing to do with you

  and most of me

  still wants you to call

  so determined to prove not everyone

  gives up

  not everyone leaves

  so determined

  to stay

  just to be left

  here with me

  anyway

  and if all i had to give

  was the effort of trying

  that’s enough for me.

  i don’t want something else to remind you that i exist

  - second thought

  i need you to get to know me

  before she comes

  i need you to talk to me

  to hold me

  to kiss me

  to tell me that it will be okay

  when she gets here

  i need you to promise me love

  even if she forces your hand

  i need to know that you’ll stay

  with the both of us

  - bipolar

  she told me i was

  easier to love when i was happy

  maybe before i felt alone

  before all the arguments

  before the infidelity

  before all the times i questioned myself

  and my sanity

  maybe i should’ve eaten it

  maybe i should have rinsed away my feelings

  with the blood

  maybe my body and my heart

  could’ve healed

  together.

  you send music like apology

  cuz’ lyrics be spittin’

  and if you never knew anything else

  you know i’ll always listen.

  knowing you’re no good for me

  is like a slow burn

  i crave the unknown

  anticipate the pleasure

  but i always

  expect the pain.

  love you like

  drive to you

  clean for you

  cook for you

  sing to you

  nurture you

  release with you

  and still never be

  enough for you.

  i thought it was

  impossible

  to love me and have someone else

  but you managed to screw us both

  and still come out

  smiling.

  tell me

  that love would

  never be the same after me

  and proceed to give her

  everything

  i wonder what it’s like

  not letting the

  sugar settle

  to crave sweetness so badly

  you mix flavors

  when you speak.

  if i tell you

  i love you

  it means i accept the way you treat me

  and

  i

  don’t.

  there is love in my heart

  buried underneath strength

  tucked in

  weary

  i can feel you trying to navigate through

  compass

  if i am

  too much to handle

  surrender the load.

  release

  find me when you’re ready

  so that love

  can finally stay

  - life partner

  please

  please understand that i want nothing

  more than to have someone who

  means it

  someone who’ll stay

  even after they see

  the unrecognizable parts in me

  the parts they thought should

  shimmer

  the me behind all this light

  the girl that may just

  flicker

  please understand that

  i am terrified

  not guarded

  i am not afraid of what can happen

  but i feel like i will shatter if nothing does so

  please

  tell me anything

  tell me that i am beautiful

  tell me that you trust me

  tell me i’m important

  affirm my feelings are valid

  say any- and everything but this

  cuz’ i’d rather die alone

  than bear a lifetime of false bliss.

  i love you

  i’m starting to feel lik

e love

  is only in fairy tales after all

  however

  i believe in magic.

  records of self-discovery

  i am not strong

  i am fragile

  i am emotional

  i am sensitive

  i am intense

  i am well-dressed bone

  covered in flesh

  i am years of forgiveness

  most times without apology

  i am tender

  i am a journey

  that did not turn me cold

  so please

  be gentle with me.

  i am not meant to be fixed

  there isn't anything broken about me

  i’ve spent years

  laying bricks

  doubling up on armor

  preparing myself for war

  or happiness

  because both of them

  have the ability to take me by surprise

  to make me feel

  less protected

  to convince myself that as soon as i have either

  they’ll always switch places and then back again

  it’ll always be someone or something willing to risk it all

  or give it all

  just to take it back again

  i’ve spent years convincing myself that i can handle it

  that i can weather the storm

  that i can be both soldier and pacifist

  they treat

  weakness

  like a death sentence

  like once you fall

  you lose the ability to rise

  like strength be easy

  knowing it’s rare

  to have one without the other.

  they say better days are coming

  but they never tell you when

  they want you to be resilient

  make sure you have the toughest skin

  i prayed for “okay” days for life

  and it never changed a thing

  i got better at hiding the scars

  a hopeless dove without her wings

  don’t believe

  anything or anyone

  making you feel unworthy

  even if it’s yourself!

  - check in

  pick her up

  wipe her face

  pour into her

  tell her

  it’s going to be okay

  we deserve more

  let her know you’ll

  always have her back.

  - inner child work

  passing me on the street is like

  crying myself to sleep the night before

  not wanting to wake up that morning

  going to work laughing and joking long enough

  for people not to ask me any questions

  like

  forgetting to listen to my stomach

  because all i hear are my thoughts

  not

  crashing my car

  being responsible for everyone on the road

  i am not okay

  i still remembered to send my “good morning” texts though

  still reaching out to people

  that cannot sense me

  feel me

  i shaved my legs and that’s all i did with the razor today

  i didn’t take any medicine with fear

  that i’d take more than the pain away

  i was in so

  much

  pain today

  so passing me on the street today while calling me

  beautiful damn

  ain’t i though?

  random gazes

  stomach-clenching laughter

  vows of forever

  impromptu dance battles

  endless karaoke

  freestyle songs

  undivided attention

  gentleness

  grace

  - worth it

  no alcohol

  no drugs

  i didn’t really have any vices

  i’ve had to deal

  and heal myself

  sober

  since i’ve met me.

  i am getting comfortable with the realization that i’m not always right.

  i am

  constantly

  reminding myself

  in order to move on

  i had to actually

  get up.

  - volume

  remember how we talked about survival?

  and how we would fight

  even if our body couldn’t take it anymore?

  i knew you could do it!

  i knew you could choose us and see me waiting for you here . . .

  i’m sorry if you still feel lost sometimes.

  i’m sorry if i seem to be more hateful than grateful.

  sometimes i still don’t have the answers,

  but i always have the faith!

  so even though we have a long way to go,

  just know . . .

  i promise to protect you.

  i promise to listen when you speak.

  i promise to never take you for granted.

  i promise to keep the light in me.

  i promise you will be fulfilled

  if it’s the last thing i do,

  and if i die before i save you,

  know that i’m coming back for you.

  P.S. you are a warrior; trust your power!

  return me back

  to my smile

  my laugh

  swap out the intensity in my eyes

  for sparkle

  for tender

  lead me back

  to my body

  even if i have to claw my way in

  even if that flesh don’t fit

  help me find my way back

  to my heart

  even if the rhythm’s missing

  even if it’s too frail to touch

  even if it’s just beat’n

  - home

  tree folk

  they say

  home is where the heart is

  but

  here i am

  holding on to scattered pieces

  hoping it’d be enough

  for shelter.

  growing up learnin’

  everybody’s business

  ain’t nobody’s business

  meant to

  cover your mouth for the family

  smile in public

  only speak good things

  protect

  the pedophile

  the abuser

  the rapist

  the narcissist

  convenient Christians

  lie if you have to

  seek help

  but only share your part

  try to keep afloat

  drown

  they’ll say you were pushed anyway

  cuz’ our business

  ain’t nobody’s

  god damn business.

  - tree folk

  surround yourself with people

  who can interpret your silence

  rather than those

  who come around

  and can barely understand you

  when you speak.

  breaking branches

  like

  it ain’t taking

 

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