Gilding the lilly, p.31
Gilding the Lilly, page 31
She had to all intents and purposes been the children’s nanny rather than a nursery maid and Arabella had treated her accordingly, but she had a niggling worry that Mr Gray’s family would not take this into account when they made their decision about the little boys’ future. They needed her, she told herself as the days crept by. Now more than ever. She was the one, solid, dependable fixture in a world which had been turned upside down. If Mr Gray’s relatives let her, she would do anything, go anywhere with them, but would they? The little boys had always been closer to her than their own mother but would that be considered? They had reacted quite differently to the loss of their parents, brother and sisters. Adam had become very clingy, panicking and crying if she was out of his sight for a moment, but Nicholas had suddenly started having one tantrum after another and only she could handle him when he started.
A full investigation as to how one thousand and five hundred men, women and children could be left on the decks of a sinking liner - and this against a background of only four passengers in the last forty years having lost their lives in the North Atlantic - had begun the day after the Carpathia had arrived in New York. It was understood that a great many witnesses would be called throughout the inquiry, some of whom would be passengers, and Lily was thankful she would not be one of them. She had her hands full with Adam and Nicholas and as far as she was concerned everything else was secondary to the little boys’ welfare.
By the time Lily and the boys left for England the newspapers seemed to share the general opinion that Captain Smith had allowed himself to be pressured into sailing the Titanic too fast with inadequate precautions for an area where icebergs were known to be, and the White Star Line was being criticised for the insufficient number of lifeboats on board. The inquiry was by no means over, however, and it seemed likely it would continue for weeks yet.
Lily had had sleepless nights worrying over how the twins would react to boarding yet another liner, but to her great relief they appeared relatively unconcerned as long as she was in sight and sound twenty-four hours a day, which she made sure she was. She had also had John constantly on her mind. She had told herself over and over again that nothing had changed, that the reason she had ended their relationship still applied, but something had changed. If she had died that night he would always have believed she didn’t love him enough and the thought was a torment. Added to this was an overwhelming sense of guilt and shame that she hadn’t saved Edwin and the girls. She heard them calling to her every night in her dreams, and she awoke shaken and distraught. She should have grabbed them from their mother and father and manhandled them into the boat. She had known Mrs Gray had gone to pieces and Mr Gray was more concerned about her than getting the children off the ship; she should have done something. But she hadn’t and now it was too late.
She played the last frantic, confused minutes on the Titanic again and again in her mind, and each time her actions appeared more heartless. Prudence had been on the verge of burgeoning womanhood and Belinda was sweetness itself, and Edwin . . . always trying to appear older than his years and with a little strut to his walk, but unable to get to sleep without his Mopsy at night, a little bedraggled toy rabbit with one ear and a missing tail. He’d had a passion for animals, had Edwin. Anything small and helpless in particular . . . And so it had gone on.
When they docked in Southampton the twins’ grandparents were waiting for them. Lily had seen them before, once when they had visited Mr and Mrs Gray one Christmas and again when they had visited after the birth of the twins.They had not deigned to notice a nursery maid on those occasions and for a moment she thought they weren’t going to this time either.When both little boys refused to take the hands of the tall, forbidding-looking servant woman they had brought with them but clung to her instead, their grandmother clicked her tongue impatiently.‘Bring them to the carriage,’ she said imperiously to Lily as the coachman saw to their meagre luggage. ‘You will travel with Burns in the second carriage.’
This presented another problem. Once the twins realised Lily was not going to climb up beside them they began to howl but this time their grandparents were having none of it. With one little boy being held in his seat by his stiff-faced grandfather, and the other pinned by his grandmother, the carriage trundled away, leaving Lily no choice but to do what she had been told. Visibly shaking, she climbed into the smaller and less ornate carriage beside the other woman who eyed her haughtily.
‘Do they always behave like that?’ she asked by way of introducing herself. ‘The master and mistress won’t take kindly to such displays of temper.’
Any feeling of intimidation fled. ‘They’re frightened,’ Lily said hotly. ‘Surely that’s obvious? They’ve just lost their mam and da and brother and sisters; of course they want to be with me.They’ve been through a terrible ordeal and they’re only babies.’
The woman looked into the slanted furious green eyes. Her gaze narrowing, she said coldly, ‘I’m Nanny Burns and you are merely a nursery maid so I’ll thank you to keep a civil tongue in your head.’
Aware she had almost certainly made an enemy, Lily forced a calmness she was not feeling into her voice when she said, ‘Do you know what is going to happen to the twins now?’
‘They will live with the master and mistress of course.’
‘And - and me?’
The woman gave a small, hard smile. ‘That’s not for me to say.’
Terribly afraid that her worst fears were going to come true and that she would be separated from her babies, Lily pushed aside all pride. ‘Please,’ she said quietly, ‘if you know, tell me.’
The woman drew herself up with all the dignity her position warranted. ‘You’ll find out soon enough. The mistress wants to see you directly after lunch and you’ll be told what’s what then. Till then you can keep your questions to yourself.’
It was not a pleasant journey.
The Grays’ country estate was situated on the outskirts of Newcastle. The sun was shining brightly as the carriage passed between two huge iron gates and on to the gravel drive, glinting on the windows of the enormous house in the distance which had a stone terrace with a pillared portico and two massive stone lions either side of the wide steps.
As they neared the other carriage which had drawn to a halt, Lily saw a lady, whom she presumed was the housekeeper, dressed all in black and a regal-looking man who appeared to be the butler come to meet their master and mistress. ‘I’ll need to see to the young masters; you stay in the carriage, it’ll take you to the kitchen,’ Burns muttered, opening the carriage door without waiting for a reply. Lily just had time to see Adam and Nicholas alight, their faces red and swollen from crying, before the carriage was on the move again.
For the rest of the morning Lily felt she was caught up in a nightmare. When she entered the enormous kitchen after the carriage had deposited her in a stone-slabbed courtyard, it was to find a cook and two kitchen maids busy at work. The cook told her to take off her hat and coat and put her small bundle of clothes, that the Grays’ relatives in America had given her, under the hardbacked chair she was to sit on. This had been placed to one side of the biggest range she’d ever seen, but apart from being offered a glass of water she was not spoken to again before lunch. She tried to make conversation several times, but it was clear the other servants had been instructed not to speak to her.
At midday more servants joined the ones in the kitchen, but when the cook gestured for her to join them at the long scrubbed kitchen table no one spoke directly to her although Lily felt everyone was looking at her. There was a large joint of sliced ham and another of beef, crusty slices of bread, a couple of cheeses and a pat of golden butter on the table but she couldn’t eat a thing, not even the apple pie and cream that followed.When the remnants of the meal were cleared away she resumed her seat by the range. The nanny had not joined the others in the kitchen, neither had the housekeeper or the butler, but Lily had noticed three trays leaving the kitchen. She presumed, correctly, as it happened, that the three were at the top of the hierarchy of the servants’ hall and had their meals elsewhere, probably in the housekeeper’s quarters.
It was over an hour and a half later, during which time a host of covered dishes had been sent to the dining room and later returned by two footmen, before Lily was summoned. A footman put his head round the door, glancing at the cook as he said, ‘They want her in the drawing room,’ before beckoning to Lily who collected her things.
She didn’t speak as she followed the young man along a passageway which led from the kitchen. He opened a door and she found herself at the far end of an enormous wood-panelled hall about which a number of velvet-backed chairs and ornate little tables were dotted. He led her down the highly polished wooden floor before stopping outside a door. Taking in her white face, his expression softened. ‘Look, I understand you’ve come from a much smaller establishment, is that right?’ She nodded. ‘Well here you don’t speak unless you’re spoken to. The master and mistress will ask questions but you don’t put forward any opinions of your own. Do you understand?’
Again she nodded, her blood running cold. She had noticed this young man during lunch because he had glanced at her once or twice in a kindly fashion; now she said softly, ‘Am I to be kept on here?’
‘I don’t know, lass. I’m only a footman.’ He smiled at her. ‘But if not you’ll get another job quick enough,’ he added, his eyes moving over the beautiful pale face framed by wispy tendrils of blond hair.
He was trying to be kind but she wasn’t concerned about another job.What were Adam and Nicholas going to do if she was separated from them? But she was jumping the gun here; she might have misconstrued things.
‘Ready?’ She nodded at the footman and he opened the door after knocking twice. ‘The nursery maid, sir.’ Standing to one side he indicated for Lily to pass him into the room and then stepped back into the hall, shutting the door behind him.
It was a beautiful room. She was aware her surroundings were intimidatingly grand but her eyes had focused on the tall solid shape of the twins’ grandfather who was standing with his back to a huge fire burning in the marble fireplace. Their grandmother was sitting on a chaise-longue upholstered in blue silk some feet away, and it was she who spoke first, her voice condemning. ‘The children need taking in hand. We were subjected to a dreadful journey.’
Forgetting what the footman had told her, Lily said quickly, ‘They’re frightened, ma’am, and confused, which is only natural in view of what’s happened. They are both very good little boys normally and—’
‘That’s enough.’ Mr Gray senior’s voice was sharp. He allowed a full ten seconds to tick by before he said, ‘You are the nursery maid,’ in a tone which did not require affirmation. Lily stared at him. He had a red bulbous nose and small eyes and she couldn’t see anything of his son in him at all. ‘Would you care to explain how the nursery maid got herself into a lifeboat when my son and his wife and three of our grandchildren perished?’
Lily felt sick, faint. His words were a reflection of the words she had been asking herself ever since the accident. ‘I - I thought your relatives in America had sent word -’
‘You do not expect me to believe that ridiculous story that my son’s wife would so far lose control as to endanger her own life and that of her family?’
Lily stared blankly at him. ‘It’s true,’ she said bewilderedly. ‘Mrs Gray was upset and frightened of getting into the lifeboat; they didn’t appear very safe.’
‘But you got yourself into one.’
‘Yes. Yes, I did, but I thought Mr and Mrs Gray and the bairns were going to follow me.’
‘Follow you?’ Norman Gray’s mother’s voice was icy. ‘Do you normally lead your betters, girl?’
‘It - it wasn’t like that, ma’am. There was so much confusion and a line of folk waiting to get off the ship. Mr Gray told me to take the twins and they would follow.’
‘I’ve never heard such nonsense.’ Mr Gray senior glared at her. ‘And if you repeat this wicked story I’ll have you locked up, do you hear me? Not content with abandoning the children under your care you are now intent on maligning the good name of my son and his wife. I’ve no doubt that you saved your own skin at the cost of my grandchildren.’
‘No, sir, no. The twins—’
‘Just happened to be in the same lifeboat as yourself which gave rise to this wild tissue of lies. But you will have no opportunity to indoctrinate them into believing such falsehoods in the future. You will leave this house forthwith, and if I hear so much as a whisper of this story outside these four walls you will rue the day you were born. Do I make myself clear?’
‘But - but the twins. They need me—’
‘They most certainly do not, girl. Who on earth do you think you are?’ The twins’ grandmother stood up, outrage in her voice and manner. ‘In my father’s day you would have had the dogs set on you for such presumption.’
Lily stared at the couple looking at her with such disdain. These cold-blooded, unnatural people were the boys’ grandparents and they had the full weight of the law, not to mention their wealth and influence behind them, and they were going to take her babies. ‘I spoke the truth when I said what happened,’ she said, her voice shaking with a mixture of pain and anger, ‘and you know it. Deep inside you know it. There is no reason for me to make up a story, the truth is terrible enough as it is. And the only thing I’ve done is to make the decision to get the bairns off the boat rather than leave them to die with the rest of the family. Mrs Gray was never going to get into a lifeboat, I see that now, but Mr Gray thought he could make her. He should have made the other children come with me but he didn’t. It’s not my fault.’
‘How dare you.’ Mr Gray’s father looked as though he was about to have a seizure and his wife had sunk down on to the chaise-longue again, half swooning. It was clear to Lily that neither of them had ever been spoken to in such a way by a servant.
‘Oh I dare, sir. I dare. And I can see now why Mrs Gray felt like she did about you.’
‘Get out.’ He pulled on a bell rope as he spoke.
‘You are going to break your grandchildren’s hearts. Don’t you care about them?’
The door opened as she spoke and the young footman stood there, his wide-eyed stare taking in the scene in front of him. ‘Get this scut out of the house,’ Mr Gray senior ground out. ‘And give instructions that if she sets foot on the estate again she is to be horsewhipped to within an inch of her life.’
Lily stood there, sick of heart. They wouldn’t let her see Adam and Nicholas again one last time, it was useless to ask. Nevertheless, she said, ‘Can I say goodbye to them?’
‘Get her out now.’
When the footman touched her arm Lily turned, walking out of the room and into the sunlit hall. There she paused, and as the young man looked at her inquiringly, she said desperately, ‘If you get the chance, will you tell the twins I love them and I didn’t want to leave them? Please, would you?’
‘It’d be more than my life’s worth.’
‘Please? They are bright little boys. If you make it clear they mustn’t repeat what you said, they won’t tell.’
‘I dunno, lass.’ He rubbed his mouth uncomfortably. ‘I can’t promise anything.’
She was going to cry and she couldn’t, not in this house. She had to wait till she was outside. ‘They’ve just lost their family, I don’t want them to think I didn’t care about them. I’ve looked after them since they were born.’ She gulped hard. ‘And the nanny, Burns, she didn’t seem to be a sympathetic sort.’
‘You’re right there.’ He lowered his head close to hers. ‘Look, I’m walking out with one of the housemaids and she’s a good sort. She does upstairs, likely she’ll see to the nursery and might be able to say something.’
‘Thank you.’ It was the best she could do. As he nodded at her and turned to lead the way to the kitchen, she stopped him in his tracks when she said, ‘I’m not going that way.’ Walking to the big studded front door she pulled it open, ignoring his startled demand she come with him, and stepped into the fresh air.
Amazed by her own temerity she walked down the wide stone steps, the blood thundering in her ears. The gravel scrunched beneath her feet as she walked down the drive and she didn’t hurry, stopping twice and searching all the windows on the first and second floors for two little faces. When she reached the iron gates which were still wide open she turned a last time, praying with all her heart she would catch a glimpse of the boys. There was nothing.
Outside the gates she walked for a few yards before leaning against the high stone wall which surrounded the grounds. The memory of Adam’s and Nicholas’s red, swollen faces would haunt her till the end of her days, she knew it would. Last night they had insisted on sharing her bed, snuggling and giggling against her while she had told them a story, their thumbs in their mouths and their small dimpled hands touching her face now and again in the loving way they had. And what had she brought them to? They had trusted her and she’d had to leave them with their grandparents and that awful woman.They would think she had abandoned them.
She moaned in her throat, an agonised cry escaping her and then she collapsed on to her knees on the grass verge as the tears came. All restraint gone, she began to wail; for Adam and Nicholas, for Edwin and Prudence and Belinda, for Mr and Mrs Gray, for those poor people who had been screaming and crying for help in the icy water, for herself - she had a mother who didn’t even like her and a da who wasn’t really hers, and for John. Oh, John, John . . .
It was a long time before she gained control of herself, and then she continued to sit on the grass with her back against the stone wall and her eyes shut as the sunlight played over her face. A great weariness had enveloped her. She knew this estate was somewhere on the edge of Newcastle and she had to make her way to Sunderland before nightfall, but none of that mattered. She felt as though everyone she had ever loved had been taken from her and in this moment she didn’t care if she lived or died. It had to be something the matter with her, she told herself woodenly. Everything she touched turned to ashes. She was a jinx, a curse on anyone who cared about her. It would have been better all round if she had never been born.
