Atone, p.12
Atone, page 12
“So sorry, Mrs. A.,” he mumbles as he walks around her.
“I know, she’s glowing.” Cindy waves her hand in front of her mouth as if she ate something spicy.
“Oh my God. Who is he? And you have my permission to marry him.”
My mom falls right into Cindy’s dramatics and their eyes fill with tears while they scrutinize me.
“You two are crazy.” I sashay over to them as my mom grabs me for a tight hug.
“My prayers are answered.”
“Mom, you’re not religious.” I stand stiffly. They haven’t even given me a chance to put my bag down. “You’re being absurd.” I try to pull back, but her knowing blue eyes scan my face.
“I haven’t seen you look like this ever.” She grabs my arm and drags me around the counter where Cindy stands with a stupid smirk.
“Trust me, it’s nobody. I just put some makeup on and Cindy and I got our hair cut.” I toss my giant Marc Jacobs bag under the counter.
“She’s lying. Yesterday, we had girls’ day at the salon, and then we played pool. Charlie got drunk and a hot fucking biker saved her.”
My mom’s eyes were going back and forth between Cindy and me, a huge smile on her glossed-up lips until Cindy said that magic word.
“Wait… a biker?” She holds up her hands as if that can freeze time. “That’s a joke, right?”
“Um… I need to go to the ladies’ room.” Cindy literally runs away. I almost grab her arm because if I have to hear it, so should she. After all, she started it.
Sighing, I look my mom right in the eye and raise a brow. I dare her to say anything. I’m fucking twenty-six and her choices in men are so bad she can’t possibly think to lecture. I lean down to put my keys and sunglasses into my purse.
“What part about us getting our hair done or me playing pool and having a couple of cocktails is making you think it’s a joke?”
“Please God.” Mom slaps the counter. “Please tell me this is not what I think.”
She looks around the restaurant as if she’s paranoid about being heard and starts whispering, “I heard he was back in town, but I thought to myself, there is no way.” She’s becoming animated and customers sitting at the counter turn to look at us.
“Calm down. I have no idea what you’re even talking about.” My voice is low and calm, but she’s far from it and her whole chest flushes as she breathes rapidly.
“Cindy dragged me out last night to play pool. It turned out to be a little rougher place than we’re used to. So, a nice man helped us leave.”
I have to turn away and pretend that I’m engrossed in the pile of mail sitting in the corner. If I look at her, she’ll know I’m lying. It’s hard not to smirk at my “nice man” comment and I have to bite my bottom lip hard.
“Holy God.” She massages her temples. “How can this be happening? I warned you years ago he was bad. My God. How is this possible? He just got into town.” Her hands drop dramatically.
“Mom, I’m a grown woman,” I remind her, even though the things she’s upset about with David are 99 percent true.
“And… he’s my mistake to make.” I look at her. “Yes, he’s damaged and unavailable, but that makes me want him more. Deep down, he needs me.” I put my hand on my heart as she looks like she needs a glass of water, or maybe wine.
“You are so wrong. He’ll break your heart and leave.” Her bitterness over my dad doing that very thing taints her.
“Look, after he left, I was honest with myself. We can’t help who we are attracted to or who we need to be with. It’s like breathing air. I have to have it. And now that I have had a taste of this man, I want him. It’s not that difficult, Mom. I always have.”
She opens her mouth to say something and by her look, I can tell she wants to give me the mom lecture, so I stop her before she starts.
“Please, Mom.” I hold up a hand and smile. “You can’t seriously be thinking about giving me a lecture. You’re the worst judge of men. And even if you are right and he does break my heart, it’s my heart, not yours.”
“No. You’re my daughter, and I’m telling you nothing good can come from him.”
Thankfully a bunch of college kids enter the diner.
“I don’t want to fight. Frankly I have no idea if I’m ever going to see him again. But you need to wrap your mind around the fact that I like how I feel when I’m with him. Other than that—”
Her eyes narrow on mine. “Don’t do this, Charlize. Anyone but him. He was bad before. I can’t imagine he’s gotten better.”
“He hasn’t,” I call over my shoulder, grabbing a stack of menus. “But trust me—he needs me.”
She stares at me like I’m some sort of unusual species and grabs her phone. I’m sure she’s calling my dad, which is hilarious because he’s in Romania filming a low-budget movie. What she thinks he can do is anyone’s guess.
For whatever reason, we have a busy early dinner crowd, so I don’t get a chance to talk to her again and I feel a little guilty as she touches my arm on her way out.
“I only want you to be happy.”
“I know.” I reach for a stack of pancakes and a club sandwich. “But I’m not stupid. Give me a little credit.”
She nods, though her eyes look sad. It’s obvious she still thinks I’m doomed.
“Okay, I’ll be nothing but supportive.” She smiles as I turn toward the door preparing to kick it open since my hands are loaded with plates. “Until that asshole breaks your heart. Then I’ll make sure he goes to jail.”
“Mom.” I stop and roll my eyes at her as she laughs and holds the door open for me.
“It’s true,” she sings it as I pass her.
The guy she’s dating with ridiculous white teeth is waiting for her at the door as usual. She cuddles up to him as I try not to roll my eyes again. She has to accept my choices the same as I have to accept hers. And I don’t trust that guy. Besides the unnaturally white teeth, with those clothes, it looks like he raids his hip son’s closet.
Four hours later, my feet are tired, and I’m locking the front door and happily turning on the pink neon CLOSED sign. Clad in a short skirt and high-heeled boots, Cindy stands with her hands on her hips, blocking the way to the office.
I swear I don’t know how she does it. She and my mom can go all day and night in the most uncomfortable outfits using the excuse that beauty is painful.
“We need to talk.”
Ignoring her, I look around the half-dark diner. It smells of bleach and the disinfectant the cleaning staff uses to clean the kitchen. I nod and wave at Manuel, Raphael, and Jorge as they exit out back.
“Thanks, guys. See you tomorrow.” They wave back as the heavy emergency exit door slams shut. I head to the register to get the rest of the cash, which I’ll slip into the safe, and prepare to head home myself.
“Charlize, your mom is gone. My vagina is on fire, but I’m sticking around because I want details.” She follows me and leans over the counter.
“Did you just say your vagina is on fire?” I slam the registers shut and power off the computers.
She waves her hand. “Long story. First you.”
I toss the cash in a red bag with a zipper, the coins in a blue one, then go straight for the office and the safe.
She flips on the lights and flops down into one of the chairs, putting her tip money into her small purse.
“I want the truth. Does he fuck as good as he looks?” As I turn to her, I drop the coin bag and pick it up.
“God, Cindy.” I can’t help but shake my head. “How do you know I fucked him?”
“Because I’m not stupid.” She tries to cross her legs then grimaces. “I fucked his friend and I think he gave me a bladder infection.”
Again, the bag falls to the ground as I do a double take. I give up trying to open the safe and turn to look at her, my mouth hanging open.
“You fucked the giant biker?” I stare at her and the mental image of the two makes me blurt out, “How did you not get crushed? He was huge.”
She laughs. “Yeah, he’s a big boy in all the right places.”
I blink at her and she starts laughing again, then jumps up and grabs a bottle of water from our small refrigerator in the back. I kneel and focus on the task of opening our safe.
“It was amazing. I have never fucked a guy that perfect. Like his arms are like this.” She holds up both hands super wide. “And his penis is like this.” She measures a good size. Not as big as David’s but close.
She sips the water and stares blankly at the wall. “It’s my own fault. He wanted anal and I said yes, and now I can feel the infection coming on.”
I slam the safe shut. “Wait… you had anal with the biker?” I whisper.
“Yes,” she whispers back then giggles and groans. “It hurts.”
“You need to see your gyno. Tomorrow.” Looking around the office to make sure everything is done, I grab my purse.
“It was so worth it. Ryder rocked my world. I came more in one night than I have in years.” She opens up the bottle of water and starts to guzzle it. “But I hate the infection part.” She points the water bottle at me as she swallows. “Now get into details.”
“I didn’t do anal.”
“You ever try anal?” She takes another sip of water.
“Nooo, I would never.” I wouldn’t. Among the few boyfriends I’ve had, none of them mentioned it, so it was a nonissue.
“If I wasn’t in pain, I would laugh at your face. It’s so good if the guy knows what he’s doing.” She finishes the water and tosses it into the trash can.
“Um, I think I’m good. I hate infections so—”
“Oh, stop it. I should have taken a shower afterward, but he’s like a fuck machine. So we stayed up all night doing the nasty, and that man is nasty. Next time, I’ll clean up before we carry on.” She says all this as if we are talking about makeup or our favorite color. With a nod, I turn off the light.
“That hot biker guy should be your first. I bet he’s good at it,” she whispers as she passes so that I can lock the office door.
“Cindy! I’m not going to have anal—ever. Look at you.” I point at her crotch.
She shrugs. “It’s not that big of a deal. I’ll go home, drink some wine, and pass out. And get some medicine in the morning.” She looks down at her phone then at me. “Okay, my Lyft is here.”
I set the alarm as we both walk out. “I just… I mean, how did this happen? I saw you leave.”
She waves a hand as she walks up to the Lyft driver. “Long story, and I’m in pain. I need liquor. Ryder dropped me off on his bike this morning.”
The evening is warm but less than it has been. Maybe it’s starting to cool off a bit.
“See you tomorrow,” she says as she gets into the car.
“Go to the doctor,” I yell at her and shake my head. The car peels out of the empty driveway.
It’s pitch black. The stupid streetlight still hasn’t been fixed, and since it’s late, the traffic on the street is minimal. I do this every night and the hairs on the back of my neck never stand up. But I feel him. I turn in time for a strong hand to cover my mouth and a rock-hard body to almost knock the breath out of me. Terror makes me instantly fight.
“I ought to fucking spank the shit out of you. What the hell are you thinking being out here all alone?” I sag back into his arms. It’s not a murderer: it’s David.
DAVID/POET
I’m beyond pissed. It’s like a ringing has replaced all sound as I try to process what is wrong with Charlie.
I shake her and her head snaps back, but she’s smiling. Tears run down her exquisite face and again, it dawns on me that she likes to be scared or, at least, she likes the adrenaline.
“What the fuck are you thinking?” I hiss, my cock hardening at the sight of her wide-eyed stare and trembling lips. I don’t even know why I’m here. Well, that’s a lie—I do know. I’m an addict. I substitute one addiction for the next: drugs, booze, sex… it doesn’t matter. Anything to keep the monsters at bay.
She does that. Today, after Reed left, we had Church and I listened to everyone bitch about stupid shit.
Ryder had to escort two different brothers outside to settle it with fists. Lucky ran his mouth. It’s amazing no one stabbed each other.
And through it all, she called to me, that little bit of light that can give me peace. So instead of having one of the club’s bunnies take care of me, I got on my bike to ride, clear my head. But I didn’t. I came straight to her.
Every addict has some sort of substitution. Mine was drugs, booze, sex, cigarettes, and working out. But this is more powerful. It’s like I can’t stay away. I need her to give me a fix. Even if it’s for an hour, I’ll take it.
“You scared me,” she croaks as I shake her again.
“How the fuck can you be so stupid? Jesus Christ, last night you could have been gang-raped and tonight I find you alone at one a.m. in the morning locking up?”
I’m already on edge. Anything could set me off.
“David.” She reaches up and touches my cheek. “You’re right. I won’t let it happen again.”
It’s like she’s singed me, yet I let her caress my face with her warm hands, her beautiful golden eyes telling me things that I know I’ll use to hurt her.
“I need to go.” I grab her wrist and toss it away.
“I live down the street…”
“This was a mistake.” I turn toward my bike. “Get in your car and get your skinny ass home.”
“Wait.” She runs after me.
I turn, my agony ready to spill out of me. Not trusting myself to speak, I grab her arms tight, almost punishingly.
“You don’t want me, Beautiful. Trust me on this. You need to run and hope I never come back.”
Her eyes fill with tears as her nails dig into my arm. “I’m strong enough to take that chance. You need me, David, and I need you. Always have. Stay with me tonight.”
Her voice is so fucking sexy; her smell is intoxicating. But in truth, this one makes me bleed and that’s not something that can happen. I can sense it though as all my anxiety and worries slide off me. It’s unfair to give them to her. She says she wants them… She can’t possibly want the real me. If there is a real me.
The night air is crowded with city noises as we look at each other. She’s truly exquisite, and I want her. I want to tell her that I need her goodness and light. My days are filled with revenge and my nights with demons.
She must see something that makes her take my hand until we’re standing in front of my bike.
“It’s two stoplights to the right.”
She doesn’t wait for my reply and puts my helmet on, wrapping her long legs around my golden Harley.
Only for tonight, I reason, knowing my addiction is becoming my new hope. It guides me through the day, but the nights…
Her apartment is dark. She doesn’t turn on the lights as she steers me through a large room and straight to what I’m guessing is her bedroom.
I’m done letting her lead though. Lifting her up, I toss her on the bed. She squeals as I hear her shoes thump on the floor.
While I jerk off my cut and T-shirt and unbutton my pants, my eyes adjust to the darkness. Darkness, it wraps around us like a blanket. I love the dark. It makes my cock harden. Her excited breaths fill the room.
“Do you want me to turn on the lights?”
She tosses of her shirt and wiggles off her jeans panting like she’s on a treadmill. Cocking her head, she waits a moment and lies back, her naked body teasing me.
She’s exquisite, like an ethereal ghost. Except I can reach out and touch her. She’s real and I want her more than I’ve wanted anyone.
“No,” I rasp.
Her breathing picks up, which is a tell-tale sign. She enjoys not seeing what’s next, and I get off on knowing she likes the same things I do. I kick off my jeans and toss them to the carpet. They land with a clank of change and the knife I keep in my pockets.
“David…” Her voice is excited if not a little scared. I would be if I was her. I’ve given her no real reason to trust me.
“You scared?” I stop at the foot of the bed. The inky blackness hides all our pain as I feast on her porcelain skin.
“No,” she pants or maybe moans.
“Maybe you should be.” I push her back and climb on top of her.
“Oh God,” she groans and I can smell her excitement. Her sweet-smelling cunt is like candy that I can’t wait to taste.
I’m mostly fucking with her. Fear… there’s nothing better when fucking. It puts your body into flight mode, but with the right partner, it can be a rush.
“You said that you got me, that you’re strong enough for both of us.” I lean over to whisper in her ear. “We’ll see if you feel the same in the morning.”
I stick my tongue in her ear then bite the lobe.
“Ow,” she whimpers as she impatiently rubs her wet pussy on my cock.
I sit up and she reaches for my dick. “You’re not in charge, Charlie. Save your energy. You’re going to need it.” I say all this as I flip her around, slapping that incredible ass of hers.
“Oh my God,” she whispers as goose bumps pebble her skin.
“Yeah, that’s it.” I rub her ass. “You cold?”
“No,” she puffs out as I lower my warm body onto hers, my thick cock almost pulsing with need to enter her wet, heavenly cunt. I rub my dick up and down her ass as her breathing becomes shallow and fast.
“You ever been fucked here?” I reach down in between her legs, my knees opening them as she starts to go stiff. I dip into her slick wetness and go straight for her ass.
“Wait. David, wait.” She tries to turn.
My arm goes out to hold the back of her neck so that she can’t move.
Her fingers clutch the sheets. “I’m not sure I want to do that.”
I smile. She’s so fucking perfect. Even her little rosette hole is perfect. I massage it, making small circles.
“I thought you said you weren’t scared.” I let go of the back of her neck as my thumb slowly, gently penetrates her.
