White locks, p.17
White Locks, page 17
Hours passed and the day was going just as I’d hoped for it to be – maybe even better than I’d thought it would be. The few times we got interrupted were when Donia was bringing food or taking back empty plates after we’d eaten.
We talked a lot, about work, about our families. Mazen told me some stories from his childhood, and I told him whatever I could remember from my own.
We made out and touched, not getting dirty but rather saying with our mouths and hands how much we couldn’t stay away from each other and how much we wanted to stay close.
Everything was going so wonderfully. Just half an hour before sunset, Mazen asked if I wanted to go to the roof of the palace to watch it like I’d told him I’d wanted to do.
I draped one of the cloaks that I had in my closet over my clothes because I assumed it would be cold outside – and to be honest, I didn’t want the guards up there to see their queen in her pajamas. It’d be weird.
Strangely, there weren’t any guards around. Only at the far ends of the roof, I could see a few with their backs turned to us. They seemed unaware of our presence, which was seriously odd. I didn’t think much of it, figuring maybe they’d known we were coming through communicating with the other guards or something and had cleared the area for us.
The sight was beautiful, just like I knew it would be. It felt much better than last time. I was so much in love and I was having a wonderful day – things couldn’t get much better.
“You’re not watching the sunset,” I told Mazen as he placed a soft kiss on my neck while he hugged me from behind.
He inhaled deeply into my hair and whispered, “I’d rather watch you.”
“Now you’re distracting me, as well.” My voice dropped low, and my eyelids grew heavy as his warm breaths fanned over my skin.
“I’m aware.”
“Mazen,” his name came out of my mouth in a sigh as I dropped my head back onto his broad chest, enjoying the feel of his warmth surrounding me.
“My beautiful princess,” he breathed. The next thing I knew, both of us were startled by some noises behind us.
At first, I thought it was one of the guards, but when a moment too long passed and we heard nothing, Mazen had to call, “Who’s there?” His question was in Arabic, and it was directed to whoever was behind the big water tank from where we’d heard the sound coming.
My heart started thumping hard as another moment passed with no movement. Mazen let go of me and took a few steps forward, presumably to check what had caused the sound.
I grabbed his hand and with wide eyes I shook my head, telling him silently not to go. I pointed with my other hand to the guards behind us and then held his wrist to pull him back again, because I thought it’d be best if we called them to check for us.
Before Mazen could reply, a woman fully dressed in black came out from behind the water tank, her steps steady and sure. I wondered if she was one of the female guards, but the jewelry on her hands and the lack of a green badge on her arm told me that she was probably one of the princesses who’d been visiting Mazen’s father regularly. One look at the bottom of her peach-colored dress that was peeking from under her black clothes and I knew exactly which princess she was.
“It’s me, your majesty,” she replied with the softest of voices, “Talia.”
“Talia!” Her name came out of his lips in a gasp, and it was like someone had put their hands on my throat and started pressing on it, choking me.
Now, I could handle hearing my husband talk to other women. It wasn’t something that bothered me – it would be crazy to be annoyed by it. However, the way he said her name sent a sharp pain down my stomach, and the fact that he hadn’t used her title before her name made the sting even more painful.
Mazen had never spoken about Rosanna without saying Princess before her name – not even once. It was the same for Huda and for any other princesses that came up, so why was she different?
I tried to convince myself that it was because he had just heard her say her name and was echoing it, nothing more. He hadn’t meant anything by it, or so I wanted to believe.
“What are you doing here?” he asked her. His voice wasn’t as shocked as before, but it was gentle, and the fact that he wasn’t averting his eyes from hers was driving me crazy.
“Uh … I just wanted to be here for a few minutes. I hope you don’t mind, your majesty.” There was a look in her eyes that I couldn’t tell what it meant, but I knew what it felt like – it was choking me even more. It was like there was a conversation going back and forth between them that I couldn’t read, and I was almost ready to scream my head off out of frustration just to cut it off.
“And what were you doing behind the water tank, exactly?” I decided to interrupt. I could’ve spoken in the language they were speaking, but I didn’t want her to make fun of my accent, even in her mind. I wasn’t that good. Yet.
Her eyes were on me as I asked her the question, but then they went to Mazen’s as she replied, “Memories. Pleasurable memories connect me with this place. I wanted to refresh them, is all.”
I swallowed thickly, feeling Mazen’s hand as it tightened on mine. My other hand that was on his wrist sensed how his heartbeat sped up at the sound of her words. It was all of the confirmation I needed for the doubts that were running through my mind.
Memories.
My throat was closing up and I felt a little dizzy. The whole place was spinning around me, and I didn’t know if I wanted to just run away and escape this girl’s company – maybe curl up into a ball and cry my eyes out – or take a few steps in her direction and rip her throat out.
Everything in me wanted to do the latter.
Eventually, and after inhaling a long breath, I decided to do neither. What I decided, though, was to defend what belonged to me. “Great!” I managed the best smile I could offer, knowing very well that it looked more like a sneer than anything else. “Next time, though – you’ll need to get permission from me before doing that. I don’t like people roaming around my house without my knowledge.”
Mazen’s gaze dropped to the floor. I didn’t know if he’d finally remembered his manners or if it was because of what I’d said. Either way, I dared him to say anything about what I’d just told her, because if he did, things wouldn’t be pretty.
Finally, it looked like I’d said something to make that stupid girl shut up for once, because her eyes were frozen on mine. Fire was dancing behind the green as she stared. A moment passed and I still didn’t hear her reply, so I decided to push it.
“Am I understood, Princess Talia?” I raised an eyebrow.
Her eyes went back to Mazen as if she were waiting for him to say something, and when she realized that wasn’t going to happen, she spoke, “Of course, your majesty.” Her voice was low, not holding the same confidence it had just two minutes before.
“Good. It was nice to see you. You’re dismissed.”
Those green eyes of her widened at my words, then looked at Mazen once more. This time there was more of a desperation for him to say something, but that didn’t go as she’d hoped – Mazen stayed silent.
“Your majesties.” She nodded her head and then went on her way, and out of our sights.
I let go of a long breath and released Mazen’s hand from mine. My hand came to my forehead as I rubbed it firmly, willing the spinning sensation to stop. Once I felt more collected, I left him standing there and went to the secret door we’d come from earlier.
“Hey, where are you going? The sun is about to set.”
“Look who finally remembered how to speak English!” I turned for a second to look at him, threw my hands in the air in frustration, then went through the secret door, making my way to our wing and to the bedroom.
When I took off my cloak, I stood in the middle of the room, not quite sure of what to do with myself. I was angry, and it was mostly because of what I had seen and the thoughts running through my head, and I didn’t like that the conclusions I was coming to.
“Are you mad at me or something?” Mazen asked from behind me.
“No, I’m thrilled with you, can’t you tell?” I faced him with a mocking expression, then quickly replaced it with a furious stare.
Mazen sighed, “I’m sorry I didn’t ask her what she was doing there in English, but it’s not like you couldn’t understand it, Marie. You knew what I was saying.”
He was right, I knew what they were saying. I knew lots of Arabic words and I could manage to make light conversation. But he knew that there were even more words that I still couldn’t understand, even though the professor who came every two days to teach me was only teaching me how to speak it and understand it, at my request. I hadn’t started learning how to write it or read it, yet.
When I didn’t reply, Mazen stepped closer to me. “Please, don’t be mad,” he said in a low voice. “If I knew it would upset you, I wouldn’t have done it. You know that.”
It wasn’t like the whole Arabic thing was what was making me mad – it was more, but I didn’t know how to bring it up. There were things I needed to know, but I didn’t know how to start this conversation.
There was a pause before I nodded, then I turned around and faced him. “There’s something I need to know.”
Mazen swallowed and he looked hesitant, as if he knew what I was going to say, and that only managed to feed the fire that was already smoldering inside me.
“Talia was the one you were supposed to marry, correct?” I asked, already knowing the answer, but still dreading it.
I watched as he pursed his lips before he nodded slowly, and I felt my blood start to boil, as if I hadn’t already expected that answer.
“Okay. What I know is that the engagement was never official. You were only promised to each other by the ‘unspoken rule’ or whatever,” I said, the words tasting bitter in my mouth. “My question now is – how often did you speak about it? The both of you. Together.”
The community in the kingdom was very tight knit. Women were overly protected – even from a male’s gazes, not just their hands or actions. I could only assume that since they were only allowed to see their sisters and mother and so he hadn’t even seen Talia’s face as a grown-up – unless it had happened “accidentally”, like that time he’d entered the room in his father’s quarters while she was there, not all covered up.
That meant that if they’d actually talked together, it would’ve been in private, away from people’s gazes, because meetings between a man and a woman were simply not allowed. The thought made my blood boil even more.
“A few times.” He couldn’t meet my eyes as he replied with his three-word answer.
“You met her in private?” I choked out my question.
Mazen didn’t lie. In fact, he was a terrible liar. When he attempted to fib about an insignificant thing, like if he said he wanted the lights on because he knew I wanted them on when he actually wanted to turn them off; or if he wanted to stay up to chat, when he really needed was to put his head on a pillow and fall asleep
But when the lie was meant to save lives, or prevent a huge problem from happening – he did it very well. You could easily believe him and never doubt him for a second. And that was what I feared the most.
“Yes.”
I inhaled a sharp breath. The fact that he wasn’t looking into my eyes made everything feel even more awful than it actually was. “Just talking?” I could feel the tightening in my throat returning; it was a miracle that I was still standing on my feet and breathing.
“Don’t lie to me.” My voice was shaking, and though I wanted to know the truth, I actually wished he’d lie to me, so I would have some peace of mind if the true answer came out to be a ‘No.’
“Why are you asking that, Marie? It’s not important.” He tried to avoid answering my question.
“It’s important to me,” I said. “Please answer.”
“You’re not supposed to talk about your sins.” This wasn’t actually a straight answer, but it was clear enough to answer my question.
“So, there were sins,” I stated, tears prickling in my eyes. “With her.”
“I, uh, I repented,” he tried, but the words had no effect on me whatsoever – they didn’t take the pain away.
“How far did you go with her?” I knew that Mazen was a virgin before me, but all of the thoughts I’d had about how a good kisser he was, how his hands and tongue belonged to an expert, and how he knew how to open the zippers in my dresses – which I didn’t even know were there – came rushing back. The image of them together, kissing and touching, was painful enough to knock the breath out of my lungs. I was so close to fainting.
“Princess, why would you want to know that? It happened in the past, and it’s all over with now. It was all over the minute I knew I was to marry you. There’s no need to talk about it.”
“C’mon, Mazen.” I folded my arms in front of my chest, trying to look as casual as possible, though it was actually to protect myself from what was to come – a knowledge that would only hurt me, yet I couldn’t stop myself from wanting to know. I just had to know. I had no doubt that the tears rolling down my cheeks were giving away how I was truly feeling about that, though. “We’ve never actually had the talk about our pasts. You’ve never asked how many guys I kissed before you.”
Mazen’s eyes burned into mine and his lips turned up in an angry sneer. “I don’t need to know that.” His voice was strong, and his tone was warning. His fists clenched tightly on both of his sides.
“Really? You’ve never wondered about it?”
“I was your first, just like you were mine. That’s all I need to know, and I suggest ending this conversation right now.”
“Why? Because you don’t want me to know about your past?”
“It is my past, not my present. My present is you. Only you, Marie, and us is the only important thing.”
“Fair enough. But I want to know – where did the two of you used to meet up?”
“Why are you even asking that?”
“No reason.” I shrugged one shoulder, thinking of how many places I would have to burn down.
“Some places around the palace, here and there.” He rubbed the back of his neck and huffed, going back to not meeting my gaze.
“Was the roof one of them?”
“Yes.”
My boiling blood turned ice cold in my veins, and my breath caught in my throat. My eyes searched his for a few long moments, disbelieving and shocked.
“How could you take me there?” My voice was disgusted and I felt the undeniable need to break something. “Did you want to relive old memories?”
“What are you talking about?” Mazen defended. “Of course not! It’s a nice place to watch the sunset, nothing more.”
“Yes, of course. A nice place with ‘pleasurable memories’.” I made air quotes, my tears rolling down my face uncontrolled.
“What? Marie, the first time I took you there we weren’t allowed out of the wing. It was the only place I could think of other than the stable, which we had already gone to. And today you were the one to ask for it.”
“Because it held a good memory for me. I didn’t know it was tainted by traces of you with her all over it! How could you do this to me?”
“Are you listening to yourself right now? You’re so mad at me for something I did long ago. It wasn’t actually as if I were cheating on you. It was all before you, Marie. You’re not being fair.”
I knew in my heart that he was right, that I was being crazy. But I hated that he’d given that girl a piece of himself. I hated that she got his firsts – his first kiss and his first touches. And those thoughts were driving me mad, driving me insane. Only because it was her. Though I didn’t know if I would have the same reaction if it were another girl. Wait…
“It was only her, right?” Please, say yes.
“Yes, Marie. Only her.”
“Don’t say ‘only her’,” I said through clenched teeth.
“You asked!”
“Still.”
“She is my past, you are my present. I keep telling you this, but you don’t seem to get it!”
“So, I’m stupid now, huh?”
Mazen huffed, shook his head and then spoke in a quieter voice, “It seems that whatever I say will only manage to get you more upset with me. This is why I suggested ending the conversation before, but you didn’t want to, and look at what’s happened now – you were mad before and now you’re mad and hurt. I understand your feelings, but I don’t think you’re being fair, judging me for something I did before you, and for another thing I did with no hidden intention other than to make you happy.
“So, I’m sorry to say that I’m not going to answer any more questions, because anything I say – you’ll manage to find a way to make it sound like something I didn’t mean for it to be. I’m sorry this conversation happened, and I’m not going to collaborate in continuing it.”
Again, he was right, but I couldn’t seem to get a hold on my feelings. The fact that this girl kept hinting that they were still going to be something more was making me that crazy. It sounded like she still wasn’t over him. It even seemed like she believed they would get together again somehow. And that was why I was so mad about the whole thing.
At first, I’d thought she was only bitter about the fact that she was going to marry him and then she didn’t – I couldn’t blame her. Mazen was all kinds of the perfect husband – loyal, honest and incredibly sweet and kind. That, and he was the most handsome guy I’d ever seen in my life; of course she couldn’t get over him.
However, I’d thought it was all in her head, that there was nothing Mazen had done to make her want him more or feel more for him. I’d thought it was only an unofficial arrangement that had been broken with our marriage. But to find out there had been more? That they had broken rules for one another? That they were once close enough that they’d actually met up, kissed and touched? It was more than I could bear.
Talia wasn’t someone I’d thought I should worry about before, but now – I did. I worried a lot. The look in her eyes, her threats and the way she’d spoken about Mazen being her fiancé even after we were married – it was enough to make me realize that she was more than just a bitter girl who’d been dumped for nothing she’d actually done, but rather because of what fate had put on all of us.
