Oh shit, oh shit. The shit just hit the fan and Nella literally jumps up from her chair, her expression one of sheer horror and rage.

  “You used to date?” she screeches. “What the hell?” Now everyone on the patio is looking at us, but I don’t blame my girlfriend. This is not the kind of surprise anyone wants to get. I take a deep breath and begin to speak.

  “I’m sorry babe, I had no idea or I swear I would have told you before. It never crossed my mind for a second that Susan Thompson was the same Susan Thompson that I used to see a long time ago.”

  Nella turns to me, her expression still horrified and accusatory.

  “This is why you made me come to lunch!” she screeches. “You knew about this?”

  I shake my head, trying again.

  “No, I didn’t. Susan Thompson is a really common name. I’m sure if you were to google it right now, you’d find a hundred or even a thousand other Susan Thompsons. Never, and I mean never, did it occur to me that I’d dated your mother in the past. This is just as much of a shock for me as it is for you.”

  But now, the bane of my life chimes in.

  “Nella, you didn’t want to come to lunch with me?” Susan asks in in a disappointed tone. “Why honey? You know we have a special relationship, and now it’s made even more special seeing that we’ve both been with Paul biblically.”

  I shoot her a dirty look, indicating that it isn’t the time. Susan pretends to be surprised, but I ignore the woman and refocus on trying to reassure Nella.

  “Like your mom said, it was a long time ago and it wasn’t serious. I promise you it isn’t a big deal.”

  “He’s right sweetie, it’s not a big deal,” Susan simpers. “Except that we’ve both sampled the same man’s sperm.”

  That does it. I swing to the older woman, my gaze murderous.

  “Shut up,” I grit between my teeth. “Just keep your trap closed!”

  At least the older blonde looks ashamed enough to behave. Her mouth purses and fine lines appear around her lips. Thank god. But Nella isn’t calm at all.

  “Oh, of course you two are going to team up on this! How can you think this isn’t a big deal?! This is clearly a huge deal.” She’s getting frantic and I know where this is going: my girlfriend’s going to storm out. It’s Nella’s signature move when she gets overly upset.

  “I care about you, and this doesn’t change that,” I tell her in a reasonable tone. “What happened between me and your mom was ages ago. It’s in the past. It’s practically prehistoric, in fact.”

  But Nella is still aggrieved.

  “Well it changes how I feel about you,” she spits. Her words cut through me like a knife and I’m shocked, frozen in stillness.

  “Do you really mean that?” I ask in a low tone.

  Nella shoots daggers from her eyes.

  “Of course I do!” she shouts before grabbing her purse and storming from the garden patio. “You’re disgusting!” she huffs. “Both of you!”

  The world around me blurs, and all noises become a distant buzz. If I had known all those years ago that Susan had a gorgeous, intelligent, funny daughter that I’d end up falling in love with, I never would have dated her. To tell the truth, it wasn’t even really dating. Sure, we had a few meals together, but mostly it was just hooking up. How do I explain that to Nella though? It’s rancid, and the fact is that there is no good explanation.

  Susan turns to look at me.

  “So are you going to go after her?” she asks in a silky voice while stroking a nail down my forearm. “Or is this going to be a lunch with just you and me?”

  That does it. Shivers of disgust run down my spine and I jump up, not even looking at the older woman. Then I exit the patio and chase after the curvy girl.

  “Nella, wait!” I call, sprinting half a block after her. “Please!”

  She stops and turns around slowly, shooting me a look of disbelief.

  I drop my hands to my knees for a brief moment to catch my breath, and then look up. Unfortunately, her expression is still irritated.

  “What do you want?” she asks.

  “Nella, let me explain,” I huff. “I want you! This whole thing—”

  Unfortunately, she cuts me off.

  “Well, you should have thought of that before you banged my mom!” A passerby swivels on his heels with a shit-eating grin on his face. He sniggers and my fists clench in rage.

  “Fuck off,” I scowl before turning back to my girlfriend. I step in closer to Nella, softening my demeanor.

  “It’s not what it looks like,” I begin.

  Nella shoots me a furious look.

  “Please. Don’t even start. You have had sex with my mother.”

  I hold up a hand.

  “Okay, yes we had sex. But it was so long ago! And it didn’t mean anything. We didn’t date in that way, and no way were we in a relationship. It was just a casual thing with an older woman, and I swear I had no idea I would one day meet you! This is just a perverse coincidence, that’s all.”

  Nella stares at me, disgust etched on her face.

  “Are you serious?”

  I nod.

  “Yes! Some women just want sex, and Susan was like that. Even more, she was okay with the type of sex that I wanted, and didn’t give me any trouble over it, so I probably stayed with her longer than I should have. Again, there was nothing there. No emotional connection, no intimacy. Nothing.”

  Nella’s eyes squint and her mouth turns down into a frown.

  “I’m sorry? What do you mean, the type of sex you wanted?”

  Now it’s my turn to be confused.

  “Anal, honey. I like anal. Haven’t you realized that? I’m in your bottom practically every time we’re together.”

  Her cheeks flush and she nods stiffly.

  “Yes, but I didn’t realize it was that much of an issue. Or that you couldn’t find partners to do it with.”

  I sigh. This is an uncomfortable conversation, and it’s too bad that we have to have it in public on the street. But sometimes, it just happens where it happens.

  “Anal isn’t for everyone,” I say in a low voice. “You just adapted to it better and faster than a lot of women. But actually, a lot of my partners tried it and didn’t like it, so yes, I’ve had some trouble finding women who would agree.”

  Nella stares at me again.

  “You specifically go out looking for anal sex partners? Really?”

  I sigh and run a hand through my hair, frustrated.

  “Well, when you put it like that, it sounds pretty offensive. But yes, I like women who take it in the behind, and yes, it’s something that I prefer. So I tend to gravitate to women who are okay with that, and in my experience, cougars are generally more accepting. They’re older, more experienced, and are okay with sometimes all anal, and no vaginal.”

  Nella stares at me once more.

  “You want all anal, and nothing straight?”

  I throw up my hands in exasperation.

  “No, I didn’t say that! All I’m saying is that I like things the back way, and a lot of women aren’t into it, at least not with the frequency that I prefer. So when I stumbled upon Susan, yes, I did it with her. And she was okay doing one hundred percent back door, so I stuck around longer than I should have.”

  Tears come to Nella’s eyes then.

  “I can’t believe we’re having this conversation.”

  I let out a defeated sigh.

  “I can’t believe it either, but it is what it is. I’m just trying to explain why I dated your mother, and how it wasn’t even really ‘dating’ in the way that normal people ‘date.’ It was just a physical connection, and it worked for a while at least.”

  Nella takes a deep, shuddering breath.

  “Well, why didn’t you stay with her then?”

  I take her soft palm in mine.

  “Isn’t it obvious? Because I had nothing like what I have with you. We barely even talked, to be honest. Susan would come over, drop trou, and wham, bam, thank you ma’am! Then she’d leave, and we were both okay with that.”

  Nella looks like she’s going to vomit, but she nods.

  “Okay.”

  I take a deep breath.

  “So are we good here?”

  The curvy girl looks at me with confusion.

  “Good?”

  “Yeah, I mean, are you okay with what happened? That your mom and I used to be … well, you know.” I can’t bring myself to say “anal sex partners” because it would just inflame the situation all over again.

  But Nella looks disappointed and put out. She merely shakes her head.

  “I have to think about it, Paul. It’s not every day that you discover your mom is your boyfriend’s ex.”

  I want to scream again that we’re not exes in the traditional sense. Susan and I just hooked up because it was convenient, that’s all. But it would be going around in circles at this point, so I merely nod.

  “Okay, take your time thinking about it,” I say in what I hope is an even tone. “Just let me know what you decide.”

  She shoots me a long look and nods before turning.

  “I will. I’ll catch an Uber home. Thanks, Paul.”

  And somehow, that ‘thanks’ is my undoing because it sounds so final, and so done. Have I lost the woman of my dreams because of this bizarre turn of events? God, I hope not, but what can a man do in these circumstances?

  7

  Nella

  * * *

  “I just still can’t believe you and Paul are over,” my friend Sansa remarks from behind me. “I mean, I get that what happened is totally crazy. But still, you were so in love!”

  I grimace, although she can’t see. My buddy’s French-braiding my hair during a girls’ night, and I’m glad to have Sansa over this evening, even if all we do is wallow while downing gallons of ice cream.

  “I thought you said we didn’t have to talk about it,” I respond.

  She nods with understanding.

  “Of course not,” she coos. “It’s fine! We’ll talk about whatever you want.”

  I slump a bit, even as tears fill my eyes. Thank god for Sansa, at least. She’s a good friend, the kind that’s always there for you even when you’re being a schmuck. We were roommates our freshman year of college and have been best buddies ever since. Sansa is a stunningly beautiful woman with big brown and wavy brown hair her down to her bottom. She’s strong yet gentle, a loving soul and without a doubt the kindest person I have ever met. She claims this is due to her devotion to Krishna, a Hindu god. But I tell her no, it’s just who she is as a person. Even without her Krishna consciousness, she’d be a darling soul.

  Plus, my friend gets me because she’s also a creative and we took a lot of classes together at NYU. Our shared passion has fueled a deep friendship all these years, even if our artistic philosophies are different. I view art as an outlet, a meaningful way to create and bring something unique into existence. Sansa, on the other hand, views art as a medium to express, and even further, her spirituality.

  Now, we’re ensconced in my living room with melting buckets of ice cream on the coffee table.

  “No more sitting around feeling sorry for yourself,” she admonishes gently. “I know where your mind is at, girlfriend.”

  I sigh heavily.

  “I thought you said we didn’t have to talk about what happened,” I say in a glum tone. “It was the one condition of you coming over.”

  She hums a bit while tugging at my hair.

  “I know, but I just think it would be good for you to get it off your chest. Besides, maybe it’s not as horrible as you think. Sometimes an outside point of view can be helpful when it comes to romantic affairs.”

  “The problem started long before Paul entered my life,” I grumble. “It started with my mom.”

  Sansa giggles a bit but then immediately stops.

  “I know, and Susan’s always been a little insane. But still, she’s your mom!”

  I wince.

  “But you should have heard her at the restaurant. She literally said, and I quote, “You and I have both tasted Paul’s sperm.””

  That causes Sansa’s fingers to stop moving.

  “She said that?” my buddy gasps.

  “Okay, maybe not those exact words, but the word “sperm” was definitely in there, and the meaning was the same. My mom is such a piece of shit.”

  Sansa nods, her fingers starting again.

  “Not to mention, Susan is totally impossible to embarrass. I mean, if she said that, then it means anything goes.”

  This time, I turn around, ruining her French braid.

  “I know, right? Who does that? Totally shameless. I wanted to die and for the Earth to swallow me whole.”

  Sansa nods thoughtfully.

  “That is really awful, but what about Paul? What’s his take on all this?”

  I wave my hand dismissively.

  “Oh, you know guys. He said it was just sex between him and Susan. It didn’t mean anything. Your mom means nothing to me, and you mean everything to me, yada yada yada.”

  My friend looks at me seriously.

  “Yeah, but could he have meant it? I mean, you guys have been dating for a couple months now. He sounds like he could be sincere.”

  I pin her with a look.

  “You weren’t there.”

  She nods.

  “Yes, you’re right, but still. After all, why would he lie about this?”

  I shrug.

  “Who knows?” I explain, throwing my hands up in the air. “It just sucks, that’s all! This is such a fucked-up situation, and I can’t believe this is my life! How does this even happen? Most people have mothers who bake pies and knit, whereas I end up with this! A mom who’s literally dated my boyfriend in the past!”

  Sansa perks up.

  “Yes, but at least Susan’s pretty. Like mother like daughter, which means that you’ll age really well!”

  I grimace.

  “That’s not really comforting, Sans. I don’t want to look like Susan, and I definitely don’t want to have anal sex with my mom’s ex because it’s just gross!”

  Sansa dissolves into giggles again.

  “Oh my god, this is too much. Don’t remind me.”

  “Right?” I explain. “It’s so disgusting, OMG. Eew, I feel nauseated just thinking of it.”

  Sansa nods, looking thoughtful.

  “It is weird, I’ll give you that.” Her voice has returned to normal, and she’s back to her confident we-can-fix-this self. “It’s really strange that they dated,” she says. “And I can understand why that makes you uncomfortable. But it doesn’t have to be a deal breaker.”

  “What do you mean?” I explode, shocked by her laissez-faire attitude. “What would be a dealbreaker then, if this isn’t one?”

  Sansa shrugs and shoots me a smile.

  “It can be a deal breaker if it’s something you truly feel you can’t get past. All I’m saying is that it doesn’t have to be because you and Paul were really good together. He made you very happy. Plus, it isn’t like he cheated on you with your mom. That relationship ended years ago, and you said it wasn’t romantic so...”

  I cut her off, jumping to my feet.

  “I’m really grossed out by this whole thing. In fact, I’m so grossed out that I really am going to be sick.”

  With that, I run to the bathroom and collapse at the base of the toilet. Bracing myself with one hand on the wall, I violently hurl, shooting out chunks of green and brown gunk in addition to a light, coffee-colored liquid. By the time I finish, my stomach’s roiling and Sansa’s hovering in the doorway behind me.

  “Are you okay?” she asks sympathetically. “That looks pretty awful,” she says, trying to avoid staring directly into the toilet. I merely pant while wiping at my sweaty forehead.

  “I’m fine. I’m just so revolted by everything that’s happened that it’s making me physically ill. Who wouldn’t be in these circumstances?”

  But my friend looks thoughtful and chooses her next words carefully.

  “Yes, it’s possible to make yourself sick with disgust or worry. But Nella, are you sure you aren’t pregnant? I mean, nausea is definitely a symptom of pregnancy.”

  I pause for a moment, my stomach still queasy. My hand reaches over to cradle my tummy as I consider the possibility.

  OMG, am I pregnant with Paul’s child?

  Of course it’s possible. Paul and I use protection whenever we’re together, but at the same time, there were a few instances when the moment was too heated and we decided to go bare. Plus, we weren’t all back door by any means and he definitely enjoyed sliding into me straight. Come to think of it, the nausea and the weird food cravings would make sense if I were pregnant.

  “Nella?” Sansa asks me again. “Did you get your period this month?” My mind races as I try to remember, and then my stomach sinks. Meeting her eyes in the mirror, I whisper, “No. And not the month before that either.”

  I feel myself begin to shake. Literally, my shoulders shudder as my hands tremble. Thank god for Sansa, however, because she goes to get a sweatshirt and drapes it over my shoulders.

  “Okay, it’s going to be fine, girlfriend. I want you to go into the kitchen and make yourself a cup of tea. Meanwhile, I’m going to run to the drugstore and get you a pregnancy test. I’ll be right back, okay? There’s no sense in freaking out because it could be nothing. Just pick a calming tea. A yummy chamomile or lavender should do it.” I nod and Sansa races out the door.

  Once alone in the apartment, it feels like it takes a lifetime for the water in the kettle to boil. I stand there watching, my mind numb. Holy shit, this is the craziest twist to my life so far. What are the chances that I’d be having a baby with my mom’s ex-boyfriend?

  But I have to keep my wits about me, so I keep myself busy getting our hot drinks ready. Not long afterwards, Sansa returns with the test.

  “Are you prepared to find out?” she asks me in a serious tone.

  “No,” I say in a tight voice while heading to the bathroom, paper box in hand. It feels as if every cell in my body is vibrating as I tear open the packet and pee on the indicator.

 

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