Beach house summer, p.25
Beach House Summer, page 25
Nate straightened. “I don’t want to talk about this.”
“But I want to, and you owe it to me. Why, Nate?”
Bess whined and he put his hand on her head.
“Why? Because I was eighteen and didn’t know how to handle things.” He glanced at something over her shoulder and Mel turned to see what had attracted his attention.
Greg stood there and she scowled. “I said fifteen minutes.”
“They can hear you down on the beach, Mel. Possibly up in San Francisco if the wind is blowing in the right direction. You might want to take it down a notch.” He sighed. “Ending a relationship is not a crime.”
“No. But letting me throw my friendship under a bus because of it definitely should be. And you should stay out of this,” Mel advised. “This is a twin thing.”
“Actually, this is between Nate and Joanna,” Greg said. “This isn’t your problem, Mel.”
“But that’s just it—it is my problem.” Why couldn’t they both see that? They both had tunnel vision. “Joanna was my best friend. When she ended her relationship with Nate, she ended our friendship, too. I missed her. I missed her so much.” She almost choked on the words. “But I lived with that because I thought she’d broken my brother’s heart. I defended you, Nate! I was protective. Angry with her, and I’ve held on to some of that anger. A few days ago I yelled at her!”
Nate frowned. “You yelled at her?”
“Yes, and I hate myself for it. And I’m going to have to apologize for that and a lot of other things, but none of it would have happened if Nate had told me the truth from the beginning.” She sank her hands into her hair, wishing desperately that she could wind the clock back. Wishing she could erase some of her worst character traits. “That was the night you kissed Whitney. I thought you were drowning your sorrows after Joanna ended it with you. You let me think that. Instead you wanted to let Joanna know it was over.”
He winced visibly. “Kissing Whitney was a mistake.”
“You think?” She looked at him in despair and frustration. “I always wondered why Joanna left with Cliff so suddenly and now I know. You made it impossible for her to stay—”
“That’s not true. I never wanted her to leave. And I didn’t know what was going to happen with Denise.”
“Denise? What happened with Denise?”
“You don’t know?”
“Why would I know? Thanks to you, Joanna doesn’t confide in me anymore.”
Nate ran his hand over the back of his neck. “Let’s just say she wasn’t supportive when she found out we’d broken up—”
“Stop, I can’t hear this.” Mel lifted her hands to her ears. “She had a fight with her stepmother and you didn’t tell me that, either?”
“I only found that part out tonight.”
Taken aback, Mel let her hands drop. “She told you? You talked about it tonight?”
“Yes, we talked about it.”
“Well—good.” Some of the fire vanished. “I hope she gave you hell.”
“She didn’t.”
“She’s too nice. She didn’t have anyone, Nate. She was alone. She didn’t talk to me because you were my brother and she thought I’d have divided loyalties.” It killed her, thinking of how isolated Joanna must have felt. She’d been barely older than Eden.
Nate spread his hands. “What do you want me to say? You want to hear me admit that I screwed up? Yes, I screwed up. I knew that pretty much right away and I’ve known it for the past two decades.”
“Why—why didn’t you tell me the truth?”
He hesitated. “Because I was angry with myself, and I didn’t want you to be angry with me, too. I didn’t want to disappoint you. I’m your big brother, remember?”
“By four minutes.”
“Also, you’re so damn perfect and I wasn’t sure you’d understand that even a person who means well can get it badly wrong.”
“Perfect?” She almost choked on the word. “Me?”
“Yes, you. No matter what life throws at you, you cope. You always have the answers to everything. You never have doubts. You barrel through life with total confidence that you’re right. You never screw up. I didn’t need you to make me feel worse about it by telling me all the things I’d done wrong, and what I should do to fix it.”
You’re not that easy to talk to.
Mel felt her eyes fill. A lump settled in her throat. She flung herself at her brother and he raised his hands to defend himself and then realized it was a hug.
“I thought you were about to kill me on the spot.” He pulled her closer. “Are you crying? Is drowning me your way of finishing me off? Don’t, Mel—if you cry, then I’m never going to be able to forgive myself.”
“I’m not perfect. I’m so far from perfect. I’m hot-tempered and impulsive and I think I know best about everything and I’m maddening and I’m a terrible listener, even though I try hard to listen, but you have to understand it’s because I care so much and just can’t bear anyone I love to be in trouble. I just want to fix things. And I know that seems controlling and it probably is but it comes from a place of love—”
“Hey, I know all this.” He rubbed her back. “What is this all about? Are we still talking about Joanna?”
“I don’t know.” She pulled away and sniffed. “I’m sorry you felt you couldn’t tell me. For the record, I love you even though you’re flawed. Possibly more because of it.”
He grinned and wiped her cheeks with the edge of his shirt. “Are we getting soppy now?”
“Maybe we are.” She didn’t feel able to smile back.
You’re not that easy to talk to.
What if Eden found herself in trouble, as Joanna had? Who would she turn to?
Not Mel, if her comments had been anything to go on.
Did she know how much her mother cared? How much she loved her?
Obviously not, which meant she was a terrible mother.
Nate kept his hands on her shoulders. “So, are we good? Am I forgiven for totally messing up?”
This relationship at least she could fix.
“I’m glad you messed up. It makes you human and makes me feel slightly less bad about myself.” She sniffed and Nate looked at Greg.
“Do you have the slightest idea what she’s talking about?”
“No. But that’s fine. I find it works sometimes to just accept things the way they are and not try and understand them.” Greg held out his hand to Mel and she went straight to him.
The anger left her. Relationships ended, didn’t they? It was a fact of life. And if the right feeling wasn’t there, it wasn’t there. But she’d thought that for Joanna and Nate it was.
“Maybe there never would have been an easy way,” she conceded. “The four of us were so close it would have been difficult to find a way to recalibrate that. And it could have been us. Greg and me.”
Greg pulled her closer. “No, it couldn’t. I was gone from the moment I saw you do your first cartwheel on the beach. And you need me. You’d never get out of bed in the morning if I didn’t rip the covers off.”
“I hate that you rip the covers off.”
“You sleep through the alarm if I don’t.”
“Does that annoy you?”
“No, it’s adorable.” His fingers stroked her arm. “I need you, too, by the way.”
Mel felt a rush of gratitude. She’d never needed evidence of his love more than she did at that moment. “You don’t think I’m a hot-tempered, interfering Miss Fix-it?”
“I do. And I love that about you.”
“You do?” She kissed his cheek and Nate rolled his eyes.
“Not everyone has what you two have.” He bent to give Bess a belly rub. “But for what it’s worth, if I could change the way things happened, then I would. And I’m sorry it made things hard for you, Mel. I’m sorry that because of me you lost her, too.”
Having confronted all her own flaws, she was ready to be forgiving about his.
“You were eighteen. Eighteen-year-old boys aren’t known for their tact at handling delicate emotional situations.” But now she was curious. “So you and Joanna talked about it? Did you apologize?”
Nate held up his hand. “Just because we discussed what happened twenty years ago doesn’t mean I’m turning into a gossip. My conversations with Joanna are private.”
She sighed. “I guess I love that about you, even if it is frustrating.”
“Is everything okay here?” Eden appeared behind them and Mel turned.
How long had she been listening?
“Everything is fine. We’ve just been talking, that’s all.” And in a way she had Eden to thank for that. “Thank you for keeping Ashley company tonight.”
“Of course. I like her.” Eden looked wary. “We’re going to hang out tomorrow. Can I borrow your car? She doesn’t drive, and she doesn’t want to bother Joanna because she’s already done so much for her.”
Mel’s heart bumped. Not that she believed anything of what she’d read online, but Ashley was pregnant. Ashley wouldn’t be going to college. Eden was so impressionable.
But she was also sensible. Was she? Was she sensible?
Either way, she couldn’t protect her forever, could she? She was her mother, not her keeper. Her job was to support her, not control her.
It didn’t matter whether her concern came from a place of love or not, she had to start trusting her daughter to make good choices.
“You can borrow my car,” she said. “We’ll drive up to Otter’s Nest together and I can spend time with Joanna while you and Eden go wherever you want to go.”
“Cool. Thanks, Mom.” Eden seemed surprised that it had all been so easy, and sauntered off, ponytail swinging.
Mel wanted to call after her. She wanted to say, Come and walk on the beach with me, but she was afraid Eden might refuse and her confidence couldn’t take another knock.
You’re not that easy to talk to.
Eden had accused her of trying to fix everything, but how could she not try and fix this?
She needed her daughter to know that she could talk to her. She needed Eden to believe that her mother would listen. Properly listen.
How was she going to do that?
19
Ashley
“So did he kiss you?” Ashley passed the cheese to Joanna.
“No, he did not kiss me.”
“Shame. I bet he’s a good kisser. But you already know that, don’t you? Don’t slice that cheese too thickly. We’re going to layer it.”
“I haven’t kissed him for more than twenty years. I don’t even remember it.”
“You’re lying. But he’s probably even better now.” Ashley nudged Joanna. “Boy and man, right?”
The sun shone through the open doors and spilled light onto the kitchen counters as they chopped and sliced.
“We should not be having this conversation.”
“Why not? I can tell you’re loving it. You’re smiling.”
“I’m smiling because I like cheese.”
“You’re smiling because you like Nate. We were talking about kissing.”
Joanna sighed. “I’m too old for this. If you want to talk about kissing boys, you can talk to Eden. I’m sure she knows a lot more about it than I do. Can I use any cheese to make this?” She sliced the cheese carefully, exactly as Ashley had taught her.
“See, that’s your problem right there.” Ashley leaned against the countertop and Joanna put the knife down and looked at her.
“Not knowing enough about cheese?”
“Thinking you’re too old. You’re forty, Joanna. Forty is young. You’re in your prime! Stop acting like your life is over.”
“Just because I’m not interested in romance, doesn’t mean I’m treating my life as if it’s over. You were going to tell me about cheese.”
“In a minute. You’re scared, I get it. Love is the biggest risk you take, isn’t it?” She thought about all the missed calls and messages waiting on her phone from Jon and the thought of it stressed her out so much she leaned across, cut some cheese and ate it. “I mean, it’s your heart, and your trust, and giving all that to someone is a big deal because you’re basically giving them the most vulnerable part of you. What if you ruin everything?” She stared at Joanna. “Okay, maybe this whole love thing is overrated. Maybe we should just live here, make grilled cheese and grow old together. That sounds safer.”
“Are we talking about me or you? I’ve lost track.”
“Both of us. I have feelings for Jon.” She wouldn’t have admitted that to anyone but Joanna. “I always have. But he’s been a good friend to me, and I guess I’m afraid of losing that. Everything is going to change.”
“You haven’t listened to the messages?”
“No. Haven’t had the courage. Because the moment I listen to those messages I’m going to have to respond, and I still haven’t figured out the best way to tell him about the baby.” And now she felt embarrassed, because she’d nudged Joanna out of her comfort zone but was staying firmly within her own. But this was different. Wasn’t it?
“Maybe he saw the news and he already knows.”
“Maybe. All the more reason to figure out what I want before we talk. When you and Nate went from friends to something more than friends, were you nervous?”
Joanna put the knife down. “No. Nate was always in my life. Friend, then lover—it seemed a natural progression. I didn’t think about it ruining our friendship because I didn’t think that would happen. It didn’t cross my mind.” She glanced at Ashley. “That was pretty naive of me, wasn’t it?”
“No. Did it feel strange seeing him again?”
“Surprisingly, no. It felt natural and easy. Which is why I’m going to do it again.” Joanna picked the knife up again. “When you’ve taught me three courses, I’m going to invite him to dinner.”
“You—” Ashley gaped at her. “You’re inviting him to dinner?”
“Yes. But everyone in this town knows I’m a terrible cook, so I’m going to need some practice first. I need you to help me pick a menu. I want it to be about the conversation, but I don’t want to poison him with one of my usual charred offerings.”
“You haven’t burned anything while we’ve been doing this together.” Ashley’s head was reeling. Joanna was going to invite Nate to dinner. She wanted to punch the air. “I’m proud of you. Is this just dinner, or dinner and something more?”
“I don’t know. Best to see if he survives dinner first. Do you cook for Jon?”
“Yes, but he cooks, too. He’s always hungry. It’s kind of a joke. And I fix his computer. I’m more practical, and he’s arty.” She missed him so much. “He’s a brilliant musician. He plays five different instruments, and he writes songs and plays the guitar—I’m sure he’s going to be big one day. And he draws. Funny little sketches that look exactly like the person he’s drawing. I can’t draw, and I can’t sing. But I can fix his car, so I guess that’s something.”
“He sounds special, and you obviously have a good relationship. Maybe you should stop worrying about what to say to Jon and just call him.”
“It’s not that easy. What do I say? Do I just tell him I’m pregnant? Or do I tell him I love him and I’m pregnant? That’s double the pressure, right?” The thought of it made her feel ill. She was putting off listening to those messages because she was afraid of the outcome. Once she listened, it would be real. Whatever he said would be fact, and then she’d know, and she could no longer lie there at night dreaming and imagining.
She was scared. She was so damn scared.
“You’re assuming it’s going to be bad.” Joanna ate a slice of cheese, too. “He might be thrilled and you’ll both ride off into the sunset and live in a cottage by the sea with roses around the door.”
Ashley felt an ache in her chest. “There won’t be a cottage with roses around the door. Right now a roof over my head is the dream. Whether I can afford walls, too, remains to be seen.” A wave of gloom engulfed her. “I don’t know why I’m worrying about love, when what I really need to worry about is how I’m going to afford to live. And then there’s medical care, as you said before. I ought to see someone.”
“I’ll talk to Mel. Find out who she recommends. She knows everyone. Are we going to cook this or just eat the cheese and then the bread?”
“We’re going to cook it. Layer the cheese.”
Joanna put thin slices of cheese onto the bread the way Ashley had taught her. “Talking of being able to afford to live, I called my lawyer this morning.”
“Right. Hope he was helpful. You’re going to need slightly more cheese than that. This is comfort food, and the amount you’ve put in there wouldn’t comfort anyone. If you’re going to sin, sin big, I always say.”
“My lawyer is a she, and she was helpful. I wanted to ask her the best way to give money to you and the baby.” Joanna finished constructing the sandwich and slid it carefully into the pan. “Now watch me burn this.”
“Money?” Ashley stared at her. “You can’t give me money.”
“It’s my money. I can do what I like with it. And what I’d like to do,” Joanna said, “is what Cliff should have done in the first place. Is the heat too high?”
“It’s fine.” Ashley barely glanced at the sandwich. “You mean a loan, right?”
“No, I don’t mean a loan. You don’t need that hanging over you. You have enough to deal with, Ashley.” Joanna wiped her hands on her apron. “I can’t help with most of your worries, but at least I can help with the practical side and also pay for proper medical care. I’ll be giving you money, and I’d like you to live here with me for a while. You can figure out what you want to do before making any big decisions. I should probably tell you the amount, so you can plan.” Joanna named a figure and Ashley assumed she’d misheard.
“But I want to, and you owe it to me. Why, Nate?”
Bess whined and he put his hand on her head.
“Why? Because I was eighteen and didn’t know how to handle things.” He glanced at something over her shoulder and Mel turned to see what had attracted his attention.
Greg stood there and she scowled. “I said fifteen minutes.”
“They can hear you down on the beach, Mel. Possibly up in San Francisco if the wind is blowing in the right direction. You might want to take it down a notch.” He sighed. “Ending a relationship is not a crime.”
“No. But letting me throw my friendship under a bus because of it definitely should be. And you should stay out of this,” Mel advised. “This is a twin thing.”
“Actually, this is between Nate and Joanna,” Greg said. “This isn’t your problem, Mel.”
“But that’s just it—it is my problem.” Why couldn’t they both see that? They both had tunnel vision. “Joanna was my best friend. When she ended her relationship with Nate, she ended our friendship, too. I missed her. I missed her so much.” She almost choked on the words. “But I lived with that because I thought she’d broken my brother’s heart. I defended you, Nate! I was protective. Angry with her, and I’ve held on to some of that anger. A few days ago I yelled at her!”
Nate frowned. “You yelled at her?”
“Yes, and I hate myself for it. And I’m going to have to apologize for that and a lot of other things, but none of it would have happened if Nate had told me the truth from the beginning.” She sank her hands into her hair, wishing desperately that she could wind the clock back. Wishing she could erase some of her worst character traits. “That was the night you kissed Whitney. I thought you were drowning your sorrows after Joanna ended it with you. You let me think that. Instead you wanted to let Joanna know it was over.”
He winced visibly. “Kissing Whitney was a mistake.”
“You think?” She looked at him in despair and frustration. “I always wondered why Joanna left with Cliff so suddenly and now I know. You made it impossible for her to stay—”
“That’s not true. I never wanted her to leave. And I didn’t know what was going to happen with Denise.”
“Denise? What happened with Denise?”
“You don’t know?”
“Why would I know? Thanks to you, Joanna doesn’t confide in me anymore.”
Nate ran his hand over the back of his neck. “Let’s just say she wasn’t supportive when she found out we’d broken up—”
“Stop, I can’t hear this.” Mel lifted her hands to her ears. “She had a fight with her stepmother and you didn’t tell me that, either?”
“I only found that part out tonight.”
Taken aback, Mel let her hands drop. “She told you? You talked about it tonight?”
“Yes, we talked about it.”
“Well—good.” Some of the fire vanished. “I hope she gave you hell.”
“She didn’t.”
“She’s too nice. She didn’t have anyone, Nate. She was alone. She didn’t talk to me because you were my brother and she thought I’d have divided loyalties.” It killed her, thinking of how isolated Joanna must have felt. She’d been barely older than Eden.
Nate spread his hands. “What do you want me to say? You want to hear me admit that I screwed up? Yes, I screwed up. I knew that pretty much right away and I’ve known it for the past two decades.”
“Why—why didn’t you tell me the truth?”
He hesitated. “Because I was angry with myself, and I didn’t want you to be angry with me, too. I didn’t want to disappoint you. I’m your big brother, remember?”
“By four minutes.”
“Also, you’re so damn perfect and I wasn’t sure you’d understand that even a person who means well can get it badly wrong.”
“Perfect?” She almost choked on the word. “Me?”
“Yes, you. No matter what life throws at you, you cope. You always have the answers to everything. You never have doubts. You barrel through life with total confidence that you’re right. You never screw up. I didn’t need you to make me feel worse about it by telling me all the things I’d done wrong, and what I should do to fix it.”
You’re not that easy to talk to.
Mel felt her eyes fill. A lump settled in her throat. She flung herself at her brother and he raised his hands to defend himself and then realized it was a hug.
“I thought you were about to kill me on the spot.” He pulled her closer. “Are you crying? Is drowning me your way of finishing me off? Don’t, Mel—if you cry, then I’m never going to be able to forgive myself.”
“I’m not perfect. I’m so far from perfect. I’m hot-tempered and impulsive and I think I know best about everything and I’m maddening and I’m a terrible listener, even though I try hard to listen, but you have to understand it’s because I care so much and just can’t bear anyone I love to be in trouble. I just want to fix things. And I know that seems controlling and it probably is but it comes from a place of love—”
“Hey, I know all this.” He rubbed her back. “What is this all about? Are we still talking about Joanna?”
“I don’t know.” She pulled away and sniffed. “I’m sorry you felt you couldn’t tell me. For the record, I love you even though you’re flawed. Possibly more because of it.”
He grinned and wiped her cheeks with the edge of his shirt. “Are we getting soppy now?”
“Maybe we are.” She didn’t feel able to smile back.
You’re not that easy to talk to.
What if Eden found herself in trouble, as Joanna had? Who would she turn to?
Not Mel, if her comments had been anything to go on.
Did she know how much her mother cared? How much she loved her?
Obviously not, which meant she was a terrible mother.
Nate kept his hands on her shoulders. “So, are we good? Am I forgiven for totally messing up?”
This relationship at least she could fix.
“I’m glad you messed up. It makes you human and makes me feel slightly less bad about myself.” She sniffed and Nate looked at Greg.
“Do you have the slightest idea what she’s talking about?”
“No. But that’s fine. I find it works sometimes to just accept things the way they are and not try and understand them.” Greg held out his hand to Mel and she went straight to him.
The anger left her. Relationships ended, didn’t they? It was a fact of life. And if the right feeling wasn’t there, it wasn’t there. But she’d thought that for Joanna and Nate it was.
“Maybe there never would have been an easy way,” she conceded. “The four of us were so close it would have been difficult to find a way to recalibrate that. And it could have been us. Greg and me.”
Greg pulled her closer. “No, it couldn’t. I was gone from the moment I saw you do your first cartwheel on the beach. And you need me. You’d never get out of bed in the morning if I didn’t rip the covers off.”
“I hate that you rip the covers off.”
“You sleep through the alarm if I don’t.”
“Does that annoy you?”
“No, it’s adorable.” His fingers stroked her arm. “I need you, too, by the way.”
Mel felt a rush of gratitude. She’d never needed evidence of his love more than she did at that moment. “You don’t think I’m a hot-tempered, interfering Miss Fix-it?”
“I do. And I love that about you.”
“You do?” She kissed his cheek and Nate rolled his eyes.
“Not everyone has what you two have.” He bent to give Bess a belly rub. “But for what it’s worth, if I could change the way things happened, then I would. And I’m sorry it made things hard for you, Mel. I’m sorry that because of me you lost her, too.”
Having confronted all her own flaws, she was ready to be forgiving about his.
“You were eighteen. Eighteen-year-old boys aren’t known for their tact at handling delicate emotional situations.” But now she was curious. “So you and Joanna talked about it? Did you apologize?”
Nate held up his hand. “Just because we discussed what happened twenty years ago doesn’t mean I’m turning into a gossip. My conversations with Joanna are private.”
She sighed. “I guess I love that about you, even if it is frustrating.”
“Is everything okay here?” Eden appeared behind them and Mel turned.
How long had she been listening?
“Everything is fine. We’ve just been talking, that’s all.” And in a way she had Eden to thank for that. “Thank you for keeping Ashley company tonight.”
“Of course. I like her.” Eden looked wary. “We’re going to hang out tomorrow. Can I borrow your car? She doesn’t drive, and she doesn’t want to bother Joanna because she’s already done so much for her.”
Mel’s heart bumped. Not that she believed anything of what she’d read online, but Ashley was pregnant. Ashley wouldn’t be going to college. Eden was so impressionable.
But she was also sensible. Was she? Was she sensible?
Either way, she couldn’t protect her forever, could she? She was her mother, not her keeper. Her job was to support her, not control her.
It didn’t matter whether her concern came from a place of love or not, she had to start trusting her daughter to make good choices.
“You can borrow my car,” she said. “We’ll drive up to Otter’s Nest together and I can spend time with Joanna while you and Eden go wherever you want to go.”
“Cool. Thanks, Mom.” Eden seemed surprised that it had all been so easy, and sauntered off, ponytail swinging.
Mel wanted to call after her. She wanted to say, Come and walk on the beach with me, but she was afraid Eden might refuse and her confidence couldn’t take another knock.
You’re not that easy to talk to.
Eden had accused her of trying to fix everything, but how could she not try and fix this?
She needed her daughter to know that she could talk to her. She needed Eden to believe that her mother would listen. Properly listen.
How was she going to do that?
19
Ashley
“So did he kiss you?” Ashley passed the cheese to Joanna.
“No, he did not kiss me.”
“Shame. I bet he’s a good kisser. But you already know that, don’t you? Don’t slice that cheese too thickly. We’re going to layer it.”
“I haven’t kissed him for more than twenty years. I don’t even remember it.”
“You’re lying. But he’s probably even better now.” Ashley nudged Joanna. “Boy and man, right?”
The sun shone through the open doors and spilled light onto the kitchen counters as they chopped and sliced.
“We should not be having this conversation.”
“Why not? I can tell you’re loving it. You’re smiling.”
“I’m smiling because I like cheese.”
“You’re smiling because you like Nate. We were talking about kissing.”
Joanna sighed. “I’m too old for this. If you want to talk about kissing boys, you can talk to Eden. I’m sure she knows a lot more about it than I do. Can I use any cheese to make this?” She sliced the cheese carefully, exactly as Ashley had taught her.
“See, that’s your problem right there.” Ashley leaned against the countertop and Joanna put the knife down and looked at her.
“Not knowing enough about cheese?”
“Thinking you’re too old. You’re forty, Joanna. Forty is young. You’re in your prime! Stop acting like your life is over.”
“Just because I’m not interested in romance, doesn’t mean I’m treating my life as if it’s over. You were going to tell me about cheese.”
“In a minute. You’re scared, I get it. Love is the biggest risk you take, isn’t it?” She thought about all the missed calls and messages waiting on her phone from Jon and the thought of it stressed her out so much she leaned across, cut some cheese and ate it. “I mean, it’s your heart, and your trust, and giving all that to someone is a big deal because you’re basically giving them the most vulnerable part of you. What if you ruin everything?” She stared at Joanna. “Okay, maybe this whole love thing is overrated. Maybe we should just live here, make grilled cheese and grow old together. That sounds safer.”
“Are we talking about me or you? I’ve lost track.”
“Both of us. I have feelings for Jon.” She wouldn’t have admitted that to anyone but Joanna. “I always have. But he’s been a good friend to me, and I guess I’m afraid of losing that. Everything is going to change.”
“You haven’t listened to the messages?”
“No. Haven’t had the courage. Because the moment I listen to those messages I’m going to have to respond, and I still haven’t figured out the best way to tell him about the baby.” And now she felt embarrassed, because she’d nudged Joanna out of her comfort zone but was staying firmly within her own. But this was different. Wasn’t it?
“Maybe he saw the news and he already knows.”
“Maybe. All the more reason to figure out what I want before we talk. When you and Nate went from friends to something more than friends, were you nervous?”
Joanna put the knife down. “No. Nate was always in my life. Friend, then lover—it seemed a natural progression. I didn’t think about it ruining our friendship because I didn’t think that would happen. It didn’t cross my mind.” She glanced at Ashley. “That was pretty naive of me, wasn’t it?”
“No. Did it feel strange seeing him again?”
“Surprisingly, no. It felt natural and easy. Which is why I’m going to do it again.” Joanna picked the knife up again. “When you’ve taught me three courses, I’m going to invite him to dinner.”
“You—” Ashley gaped at her. “You’re inviting him to dinner?”
“Yes. But everyone in this town knows I’m a terrible cook, so I’m going to need some practice first. I need you to help me pick a menu. I want it to be about the conversation, but I don’t want to poison him with one of my usual charred offerings.”
“You haven’t burned anything while we’ve been doing this together.” Ashley’s head was reeling. Joanna was going to invite Nate to dinner. She wanted to punch the air. “I’m proud of you. Is this just dinner, or dinner and something more?”
“I don’t know. Best to see if he survives dinner first. Do you cook for Jon?”
“Yes, but he cooks, too. He’s always hungry. It’s kind of a joke. And I fix his computer. I’m more practical, and he’s arty.” She missed him so much. “He’s a brilliant musician. He plays five different instruments, and he writes songs and plays the guitar—I’m sure he’s going to be big one day. And he draws. Funny little sketches that look exactly like the person he’s drawing. I can’t draw, and I can’t sing. But I can fix his car, so I guess that’s something.”
“He sounds special, and you obviously have a good relationship. Maybe you should stop worrying about what to say to Jon and just call him.”
“It’s not that easy. What do I say? Do I just tell him I’m pregnant? Or do I tell him I love him and I’m pregnant? That’s double the pressure, right?” The thought of it made her feel ill. She was putting off listening to those messages because she was afraid of the outcome. Once she listened, it would be real. Whatever he said would be fact, and then she’d know, and she could no longer lie there at night dreaming and imagining.
She was scared. She was so damn scared.
“You’re assuming it’s going to be bad.” Joanna ate a slice of cheese, too. “He might be thrilled and you’ll both ride off into the sunset and live in a cottage by the sea with roses around the door.”
Ashley felt an ache in her chest. “There won’t be a cottage with roses around the door. Right now a roof over my head is the dream. Whether I can afford walls, too, remains to be seen.” A wave of gloom engulfed her. “I don’t know why I’m worrying about love, when what I really need to worry about is how I’m going to afford to live. And then there’s medical care, as you said before. I ought to see someone.”
“I’ll talk to Mel. Find out who she recommends. She knows everyone. Are we going to cook this or just eat the cheese and then the bread?”
“We’re going to cook it. Layer the cheese.”
Joanna put thin slices of cheese onto the bread the way Ashley had taught her. “Talking of being able to afford to live, I called my lawyer this morning.”
“Right. Hope he was helpful. You’re going to need slightly more cheese than that. This is comfort food, and the amount you’ve put in there wouldn’t comfort anyone. If you’re going to sin, sin big, I always say.”
“My lawyer is a she, and she was helpful. I wanted to ask her the best way to give money to you and the baby.” Joanna finished constructing the sandwich and slid it carefully into the pan. “Now watch me burn this.”
“Money?” Ashley stared at her. “You can’t give me money.”
“It’s my money. I can do what I like with it. And what I’d like to do,” Joanna said, “is what Cliff should have done in the first place. Is the heat too high?”
“It’s fine.” Ashley barely glanced at the sandwich. “You mean a loan, right?”
“No, I don’t mean a loan. You don’t need that hanging over you. You have enough to deal with, Ashley.” Joanna wiped her hands on her apron. “I can’t help with most of your worries, but at least I can help with the practical side and also pay for proper medical care. I’ll be giving you money, and I’d like you to live here with me for a while. You can figure out what you want to do before making any big decisions. I should probably tell you the amount, so you can plan.” Joanna named a figure and Ashley assumed she’d misheard.
