Bain, p.21
Bain, page 21
When the nurse explained about getting undressed, she kindly held out a thick pad to her. “If you’re still bleeding, just press this between your legs until Dr. Segal comes in.”
I had expected we might be in for a bit of a wait, given that they worked us into his schedule, but we’re in the room barely ten minutes before the door pushes open.
His expression is not grave, but it is worried. I rise from the chair and move to Kiera’s side. I hadn’t felt welcomed there when she got up on the table, awkwardly trying to hold that pad in place while she navigated it. I wanted to pick her up, cradle her, gently lie her down and help get her situated. Hell… I’d have held that fucking pad for her so she could just lie back and rest.
Her vibe told me she’s closed off in a bubble that I won’t be allowed near, but now that Dr. Segal is here, fuck keeping my distance. I place my hand on her lower back.
The doc comes to stand before Kiera, his hand grabbing hers for a comforting squeeze. “I understand you had some bleeding and cramping?”
She nods. “Bleeding first. Then some cramps that got worse, then they stopped.”
He doesn’t ask her how much blood. Doesn’t ask her how long the cramps lasted. Doesn’t ask me what I saw in the toilet.
Instead, he pats her shoulder. “I’m going to do the same vaginal ultrasound we did the other day, okay?”
Kiera nods and Dr. Segal smiles at her. As she reclines, he cuts me a sympathetic smile before turning to wash his hands.
Gloves donned, he moves his stool to the end of the bed and repeats the same procedure as the other day.
There’s no giddy feeling of anticipation.
Just oily dread.
It feels like it takes hours, but truly, it’s only a minute or two. Kiera doesn’t even look at the screen but I do. I stare at it hard, hoping to see that little bean I saw the other day.
Something appears on the screen, but it doesn’t look like what we saw before. Dr. Segal taps a button on the laptop and holds his hand still.
Finally, he pulls the wand free and sets it aside on a metal tray, deftly covering it with a surgical towel. He snaps off his gloves and looks only at Kiera. “I’m sorry. You’re in the process of miscarrying.”
Kiera nods, her eyes dry and lifeless. I stumble back a foot and only hear bits and pieces as I try to comprehend that our lives just shifted a hundred and eighty degrees again.
Prolapsed gestational sac.
No heartbeat.
Incomplete miscarriage.
Dilation and curettage.
“I’m going to send you over to the hospital to get you checked in. You’ll be sedated and—”
“Wait! What?” I exclaim, rejoining the conversation.
“She’s going to need a surgical procedure to clean out the remaining tissue. Otherwise, it will cause an infection, which can be very dangerous.”
“So, the baby’s gone?” I ask, still not sure I understand what’s happening.
“I’m very sorry.”
Images of Kiera and I this morning flash through my brain and while they’d ordinarily be a turn-on, I think I might throw up. “Did I… this morning we… did the miscarriage happen because…”
I can’t even get the words out, but Dr. Segal patiently waits. I scrub my hands over my face and laser my eyes onto the doctor so I can judge the truth of his answer. “Kiera and I had sex. It was a little fast. Did I…”
Dr. Segal shakes his head. “No,” he exclaims. “Absolutely not. You did nothing to cause this. Miscarriages at this early stage are unfortunately not uncommon. Ten to twenty percent of women will miscarry for no good reason at all.”
I trust his words, but they offer no relief.
I glance over at Kiera and she’s sitting up again, staring at her hands. “I’m sorry, baby,” I murmur and brush my lips over her temple.
That seems to jolt her out of her trance and her head lifts. She looks at Dr. Segal. “Can I go home after the D&C?”
“Of course. You’ll stay in the recovery room for a few hours, then Bain can take you home. I’ll give you more detailed recovery instructions.”
Kiera nods. “Okay.”
“Any other questions?”
She shakes her head so he looks at me.
Yeah… a million fucking questions but only one that matters.
Where do we go from here?
CHAPTER 30
Kiera
The murmured voices drifting from the kitchen to me in the living room are grating on my nerves. I’ve been camped out on the couch all day, doing a rewatch of Sons of Anarchy. I need something hard and brutal to take my mind off… well, things that are hard and brutal.
It’s finally sinking in.
Yesterday was pretty much a blur. I try not to think about it, but flashes filter through. I knew I was miscarrying when the cramps hit. They were so painful that I immediately knew what was going on. I have vague recollections of Bain caring for me. He was strong and steady, knowing exactly what to do, and yet somehow, I can’t seem to really appreciate it.
Maybe I will in time.
But for right now, the fact he’s in the kitchen with Drake and Brienne, talking so low I can’t hear makes me want to slap him.
I want to slap Drake and Brienne too.
I don’t need to be treated as if I’m fragile. I’m tired of Bain looking at me like a lost puppy and Drake looking confused and Brienne looking like she’s going to burst into tears.
Reaching out, I nab the remote and turn up the volume to try to drown them out. All it does is pull attention to me and Bain is there. “Do you need something?”
“Yeah… I need to be able to hear the TV,” I say glibly, tossing the remote back onto the coffee table. I curl my legs in, wrap my arms around the pillow and let my eyes drift back to Jax and the guys pulling out on their bikes.
The weight of Bain’s stare is oppressive. I know if I were to look at him, I’d see confusion because I’m not acting at all like myself.
But how does one act in a situation like this?
He’s hovered over me since we got home from the hospital yesterday. I had the D&C with no complications. Dr. Segal said I might have some spotting and cramps for a week or two and absolutely no tampons or sex until my follow-up appointment so he can make sure I’m fully healed.
I almost laughed at that because I’m pretty sure I’m never having sex again.
“Can I get you anything?” Bain asks hesitantly.
Yeah, you can quit fucking looking at me like that, I want to scream. Instead, I manage a small smile. “I’m good. Thanks.”
His return smile is hesitant as he lifts the light blanket pulled up over my hips and tucks it around my shoulders. His lips brush over my head and he turns to head back into the kitchen where my brother and future sister-in-law do their own hovering from a distance.
Even as my heart squeezes in pleasure over his kind act, I shrug off the blanket, pushing it back down to my hips. It’s a sullen, bratty move, which is so unlike me, but I can’t help it. The emotions running through me are too much to process. I feel like I’m precariously perched on the edge of a jagged cliff and there’s a terrifying drop before me, yet the safety of the solid ground behind me seems hollow… almost imaginary. There’s a tight knot of anger deep in my chest, not only for losing the baby but for rushing so fast into this relationship with Bain because I got pregnant. I threw out every bit of protection I had enshrouded myself in so I wouldn’t get hurt again. While I know it’s not Bain who hurt me, I can’t help but tie him to the irrationally terrible thoughts.
Bain and I only grew closer because I got pregnant. It was the catalyst that drove us forward. Without that baby to tie us together, there’s nothing to keep the bond in place.
So yes, I’m fucking angry.
And so goddamn sad because it’s not just that the baby is gone, it’s that the foundation of what we’ve built has disappeared with it.
It’s just not fair.
♦
It’s dark when I wake up. The TV is off and there’s a small table lamp across the living room that provides a soft glow that lets me see no one else is with me. I push up from the couch and stretch. I take stock of how I feel, expecting to be sore in my lower belly, but I don’t feel anything. I see the kitchen is empty, only the light above the stove on.
I listen and am greeted with total silence, but I can feel Bain’s presence in this house. Besides that, I know he’d never leave me alone without having some plan in place. He’d never leave without saying goodbye or letting me know where he was going.
After I fold the blanket and toss it on top of the pillow, I pad through the silent house to the master bedroom. I try to process my feelings as I see Bain asleep on the bed. The lamp on my side is still on. Bain is wearing a T-shirt and the covers are around his waist. I know without peeling them back he’s got on a pair of pajama bottoms. Normally, we sleep naked and I know he slept naked before he met me. It says a lot that he dressed before sleep tonight, almost like it’s armor.
I understand where he’s coming from. I don’t want to open myself up to any type of intimacy, and I’m not talking about the sexual type. Having clothes on provides a barrier. It sends a message.
Bain’s duffel is on the bench at the end of the bed, opened and full of the clothes he’s kept here. He leaves tomorrow for a four-day road trip. Then he’s back for one day and off again for two more road games. He’ll be gone seven days in total.
This wasn’t the original plan. At least not for Bain. He announced to me when we got home from the hospital yesterday that he wasn’t going on the road trips and that he’d already talked about it with Coach West.
He didn’t discuss it with me.
Just told me that was what he was doing.
It resulted in an argument and I refused to let him stay home. “I don’t need you here,” I said. “I’m not dying or anything.”
Bain’s expression was a mixture of wariness and hurt, but he finally acquiesced because I gave him no choice. That’s when Drake and Brienne showed up to make plans to babysit me while the team was away. They’re all concerned to leave me alone for that much time. Ultimately, it’s left to Brienne to stay behind and watch the boys as well as watch over me. It’s a job she will gladly do, and it’s not the first time she’s had to take care of me when I was down.
I tiptoe into the bathroom and gently shut the door. I pee and change out my menstrual pad, feeling nothing at all at the slight brown spotting. It’s expected. After I wash my hands, I brush my teeth and wash my face. After applying moisturizer, I stare at myself in the mirror.
My eyes are bloodshot. I’ve had crying bouts here and there. They crop up out of nowhere and nothing in particular sets them off. If Bain was around when it happened, he merely pulled me into his arms and held me. If I didn’t want to be held, I’d go into the bathroom to cry in private. I’d bite down hard on a towel so I couldn’t be heard.
My skin is pale, my eyes look sunken. Is that because I’m tired or does loss physically change how you look?
I press my hand to my lower belly. It’s as flat as it was the day before when I was pregnant. It feels normal to me, as if the last week has been nothing but a dream unfulfilled. I lift my sweatshirt and stare at my stomach. I wonder what it would have looked like all rounded.
There’s a soft tap against the door and I drop my sweatshirt. Taking in a breath, I open it to see Bain standing there. His hair is mussed, indicating he’d been sleeping for a bit. He rubs his palm across his stubbled jaw. “You okay?”
“Yeah… just getting ready for bed.”
“Want me to make you something to eat?” he asks. I haven’t had much all day. Some soup at lunch.
I shake my head. “I’m not hungry.”
Bain takes my hand and tugs at my fingers. “You have to eat, Kiera.”
I pull my hand away and try to move past him. “I’m not hungry.”
He steps into my path, hands going to my shoulders. His face is an open book of concern, so painfully sincere that it feels like a punch to the gut. “I know how sad you are, but you need to take care of yourself.”
He just doesn’t get it.
Rage explodes within me and I slap his hands away. “I’m sorry I can’t be as fucking strong as you, Bain. You’re just going to have to give me a hot minute to process.”
He reaches out to touch my arm, but I flinch away. He seems unperturbed, his expression patient, and it makes me feel lonelier than ever. “Why aren’t you upset?” I lash out, suddenly bitter. “Why aren’t you angry or sad or… anything?”
“I am,” he says quietly. “I am upset. But right now, I need to be here for you.”
“Like you could understand!” I snap, sidestepping him and moving to my side of the bed.
“You could try explaining it to me,” he says, and when I glance back, he’s standing in the same spot, his arms crossed over his chest. “Because I’ve tried to talk to you about it all day and you keep shutting me down.”
I throw my arms out. “Well, I’m sorry, Bain. Sorry I can’t be there to comfort you just now.”
Christ, I know how ridiculous and petulant I sound, but all the nasty feelings inside me are coming out in word vomit.
“I’m not asking for comfort,” he says through gritted teeth, the first time his calm veneer has cracked all day. “Just for some conversation. You’re not the only one who lost something.”
A hysterical laugh bubbles up. “What exactly did you lose, Bain? In fact, what exactly did I lose? That baby was a mistake and you know it. We weren’t a couple. We weren’t trying to get pregnant. We weren’t looking to build a future. We had shitty luck but then tried to put on a happy face and make the best of a situation neither of us wanted.” My voice pitches higher, my words coming out over erratic breathing and I feel like I’m spiraling out of control. “In fact, now that I think about it, why aren’t we both rejoicing? Now we can go back to just being fuck buddies. Except I’m going to have to insist we double up on the birth control because no way am I ever fucking going through this again.”
Those last words are screamed at him and I’m pleased to see he recoils. I hope it hurt because I want to make sure he feels as bad as I do.
As ludicrous as that may sound, and despite the fact I’ve never wished pain on another person, I want Bain to suffer along with me.
Sadly, he probably is and I’m now doubling it, but I can’t seem to find it within me to care.
“Do you even want me here?” he asks, his lips pressed into a flat line.
I suck in air, trying to expand the tightening in my chest. I feel smothered and out of control. Shaking my head, I turn my back on him as I pull the covers down on my side of the bed. “I think I’d like to be alone tonight.”
Sliding under the sheet, I roll over on my side and give him my back. I curl into a protective ball and wait with tensed muscles for him to touch me. I fully expect him to slide in too, spoon his big body around mine and try to soothe me, despite the claws I keep raking down his heart.
Instead, I hear him zip up his duffel and his footsteps whisper across the carpet. He doesn’t close the bedroom door behind him on the way out, but the minute he’s gone, I can tell. His presence has always been tangible to me and now I feel like I’m in a void.
I hear the front door open and then close again. I know Bain will lock it behind him with his key, but I never hear the click of protection.
Frowning, I roll out of bed to see where he went. Maybe he didn’t leave and the prospect of it makes me feel better. Or rather, lessens the shitty feeling for running him off.
I move through the silent house.
I can feel he’s gone, no doubt.
When I reach the front door, I see the dead bolt isn’t engaged.
Then my eyes land on the small demilune table that rests against the wall.
My house key sits there, stark against the dark cherry wood.
It’s a clear indication that Bain isn’t coming back.
CHAPTER 31
Bain
Stepping off the bus, I hitch the strap of my duffel over my shoulder and turn for the lobby doors.
“Come on out with us,” Hendrix says. “We’re going to grab some food, maybe a beer.”
I glance over my shoulder, see him standing with Boone and Camden. They invited me on the bus, but I declined. They’re being persistent because as far as they know, I have no valid reason for declining. We’re in Montreal, an amazing city, and we’re riding high off defeating the Wizards tonight in a very close battle.
“Not tonight,” I say with a wave of my hand.
I barely make it to the lobby doors when someone pulls on my duffel strap to stop my progress. I turn to see Camden, frowning at me. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing. Just tired.”
“Bullshit,” he says and glances back at Hendrix and Boone waiting on him. He waves them off. “You guys go on ahead and grab a table. I’ll be there in a minute.”
Hendrix and Boone walk off and Camden steps back from the lobby doors, indicating for me to do the same since other players are heading into the hotel.
“What the fuck is going on? You’ve been nearly mute since you got on the plane for the trip here.”
I rub the back of my neck, which has been in tight knots since Kiera miscarried. I’m clearly storing every bit of stress right there. “Kiera lost the baby day before yesterday.”
“Oh, Jesus,” Camden breathes out, and his hand comes to my shoulder where he grips it tightly. “I’m really sorry, man.”
“Yeah… me too.”
“How’s Kiera?”
