Clovenhoof Series by Heide Goody
Clovenhoof #1
Colvenhoof: Satan's Shorts (Clovenhoof Anthology)
Heide Goody
Curious about the day that Saint Christopher found out he'd been declared non-existent by the pope? What exactly is a cat in Hell's chance? How would an annual Christmas present exchange between Heaven and Hell work out? Find out the answers to these and other pressing questions in this collection of short stories from the world of Clovenhoof.
This contains the stories, Clovenhoof's Shed and Clovenhoof Goes To Night School, which were previously published individually, but there are eight other stories included here featuring favourite characters from Heaven and Hell.
Contains:
Clovenhoof goes to Night School.
Patron Saint of Nothing At All.
Clovenhoof and the Snowmen.
Saint Nicholas and the Krampus.
Detritus at the Church Fete.
Clovenhoof and the Spiders.
A Cat in Hell's Chance.
The Non-Specific Prayer Assessment Unit.
The Hoof.
Clovenhoof's Shed.
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Clovenhoof #2
Clovenhoof 02 Pigeonwings
Heide Goody
As punishment for his part in an attempted coup in Heaven, the Archangel Michael is banished to Earth. The holiest of the angelic host has to learn to live as a mortal, not an easy job when you’ve got Satan as a next-door neighbour. Michael soon finds that being a good person involves more than helping out at Sunday school and attending church coffee mornings. He has to find his purpose in life, deal with earthly temptations and solve a mystery involving some unusual monks and a jar of very dangerous jam. Heide Goody and Iain Grant have written a wild comedy that features spear-wielding cub scouts, accidental transvestites, King Arthur, a super-intelligent sheepdog, hallucinogenic snacks, evil peacocks, old ladies with biscuits, naked paintball, stolen tractors, clairvoyant computers, the Women’s Institute, and way too much alcohol.**From the AuthorWe had a lot of fun writing Pigeonwings together, and hopeyou have fun reading it.
We get a lot of questions about the process that we followfor collaborative writing. Here's a brief taster of how we wrote this novel:
We had already written Clovenhoof, so we knew a lot about our fictional world, and most of the characters. The end of Clovenhoof saw Archangel Michael banished to earth. It added a nice finish to that novel, and gave us the jumping-off point that we needed for this one. Having said that, it was really important to us that this novel stands alone, so a top priority for this book was to make sure that people who haven't read Clovenhoof are not short-changed in any way.
Pigeonwings is partially set in Wales. We went for a road trip to go and research some locations, with permission from our respective families! It's about a 4 hour drive from Birmingham to the Llyn peninsula, so we had a great opportunity to discuss our characters and plot on the way. The locations in the book are all real, although the monastery that we use is sadly now a ruin.
While we were writing Pigeonwings we attended a course run by veteran sitcom writer, Keith Lindsay. It was good to see how much we were doing right, and it helped us to tweak a few things to make the most of the comedy.
We worked through the chapters likethis - Heide plotted a chapter for Iain to write while Iain plotted a chapterfor Heide to write. Then we wrote those chapters, and swapped back to the otherperson to do an edit. This helped to smooth out any stylistic differences.
Leap-frogging like this, we were able to write the first draft of Pigeonwings in around nine months.
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Clovenhoof #3
Clovenhoof 03 Godsquad
Heide Goody
The Team:
Joan of Arc, the armour-plated teen saint of Orleans.
Francis of Assisi, friend to all the animals whether they like it or not.
St Christopher, the patron saint of travel who by papal decree has never existed – no matter how much he argues otherwise. The Mission: An impossible prayer has been received by Heaven and it’s a prayer that only Mary, Mother of God, can answer. Unfortunately, Mary hasn’t been seen in decades and is off wandering the Earth somewhere. This elite team of Heavenly saints are sent down to Earth to find Mary before Armageddon is unleashed on an unsuspecting world. Godsquad:
A breathless comedy road trip from Heaven to France and all points in-between featuring murderous butchers, a coachload of Welsh women, flying portaloos, nuclear missiles, giant rubber dragons, an army of dogs, a very rude balloon and way too much French wine.**From the AuthorAs we have built the Clovenhoof world, we've found minor characters that refuse to stay minor.Two saints from Clovenhoof - Joan of Arc and Saint Francis had much more to say.Saint Christopher popped up a little later. We went on a trip to Wales when we were researching Pigeonwings and we were musing over a fascinating snippet that we'd read in 1,227 QI Facts To Blow Your Socks Off It mentions that Saint Christopher had, in 1969, been "deleted" by the Roman Catholic church.We started to muse on how he might feel about that, and came up with a short story, which can be found in Satan's Shorts.
Christopher demanded a place in our story too, so it seemed the most natural thing in the world to send them all off on a road trip across modern day Europe, with a really important mission...
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Clovenhoof #4
Clovenhoof 04 Hellzapoppin'
Heide Goody
Life at St Cadfan’s is never dull. There’s the cellar full of unexplained corpses. There’s the struggle to find food when the island is placed under quarantine. And there’s that peculiar staircase in the cellar…
Being a demon in Hell has its own problems. There’s the increasingly impossible torture quotas to meet. There’s the entire horde of Hell waiting for you to slip up and make a mistake. And there’s that weird staircase in the service tunnels…
Brother Stephen of St Cadfan’s and Rutpsud of the Sixth Circle, natural enemies and the most unnatural of friends, join forces to solve a murder mystery, save a rare species from extinction and stop Hell itself exploding.
The fourth novel in the Clovenhoof series, Hellzapoppin’ is an astonishing comedy featuring suicidal sea birds, deadly plagues, exploding barbecues, dancing rats, magical wardrobes, King Arthur’s American descendants, mole-hunting monks, demonic possession and way too much seaweed beer.
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Clovenhoof #5
Clovenhoof 05 Beelzebelle
Heide Goody
To the devil a daughter!
Parenthood can come as a shock to some. It’s especially shocking if you are Satan, the Prince of Hell, and are trying to live a quiet life of semi-retirement in suburban England under the name of Jeremy Clovenhoof.
Clovenhoof quickly finds that being a single parent involves more than lullabies and nappies and has to contend with social disapproval, paternity tests and, possibly, the end of the world.
The fifth novel in the Clovenhoof series, Beelzebelle is an anarchic adventure, featuring a psychotic monkey au pair, runaway coffins, badly stuffed animals, strip dominoes, fire-breathing ferrets, pimped-up prams, well-meaning middle-class mums, apocalyptic floods, the largest act of public nudity Birmingham has ever seen and way too much homebrew Lambrini.
**
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Clovenhoof #6
Clovenhoof & the Trump of Doom
Heide Goody
Halloween 2016.It is eight days until the American people vote for the 45th President of the United States and millions are struck with horror at the prospect of Donald J Trump - businessman, reality TV star and professional wrestler - getting his hands on the oval office.However, few of those people know that Nostradamus had foreseen both Trump's presidency and the British exit from the EU spelling the end of the world as we know it.Jeremy Clovenhoof and Michael Michaels - the earthly incarnations of Satan and the Archangel Michael - have read the prophecies and must do their utmost to stop them coming true (because Clovenhoof can't let the world end until he's seen the latest series of Game of Thrones).As Michael heads to Europe to undo Brexit through the power of song, Clovenhoof flies to the US to stop Trump becoming president by whatever means are necessary.If you want a searing indictment of global politics and intelligent analysis of the greatest historical events of our time, go somewhere else. But if you want rampaging elephants, naked continental types, drone-mounted chickens, accidental neo-Nazis, LSD-spiked brownies, the Large Hadron Collider and the vengeful spirit of the Statue of Liberty then this slice of hellish fun might be just what you need.Advertising
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Clovenhoof #7
Hooflandia
Heide Goody
When Jeremy Clovenhoof decides to set himself up as President for Life of his own breakaway country, he knows he’ll need money, lots and lots of money. That might be a bit difficult, particularly since the Inland Revenue have just presented him with an enormous tax bill and Heaven and Hell have sent Joan of Arc and Rutspud of the Sixth Circle to bring him under control.But nothing can keep this devil down. He’s got the business acumen and the spunk to make a fortune and found the independent nation state of Hooflandia. Come see the really big wall! Enjoy the nudist beach! Visit the combined log flume and waterboarding torture centre!The seventh book in the Clovenhoof series, Hooflandia, is a ridiculous romp, featuring ventriloquist dummies, cut-price funerals, sexy archbishops, robot cars, musical butt plugs, tax avoidance and a million angry nuns.
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