The storm king, p.35
The Storm King, page 35
part #3 of The Lost God Series
Clare took another long gulp of whiskey, and still, he didn’t speak. He waited to see if she would rise to the occasion or unravel completely. Maybe it was cruel, but Xander needed a queen who wouldn’t crack under pressure.
“I think you and I could make a huge difference in our two kingdoms, probably even in Olney. An alliance between our homelands, but it would also be between us. I want to share my life with someone. I want to share responsibilities, and hardships, and victories. The world, my parents—everyone wants me to be a prop. What I want to be is a partner.” She sat back and took another long swig of her drink. “What do you think?”
Xander sipped his whiskey, letting a tense moment stretch out between them. “That’s very compelling. Much more compelling than when you were playing the fool earlier.”
“Well then,” she said, finishing her drink and setting the glass down on the table. “Perhaps you’ll find this even more compelling.”
She stood abruptly and straddled his lap.
Xander leaned back in genuine shock. He was not expecting the swiftness with which she came out of her shell.
She ran her fingers through his hair and leaned in close. Her breath smelled of sweet tea and whiskey as she brushed her lips over his, and it broke him out of his trance.
Xander kissed Clare with the wild frustration that had been building in him for months, trying to push Cece from his mind. He was so angry that she invaded everything. There was a beautiful woman straddling his lap who wanted him, who would likely let him do anything he wanted, a woman who wanted to be his partner.
Why couldn’t he stop thinking about how her kiss felt wrong? Why couldn’t he stop wishing she was Cece? Why couldn’t he want someone—anyone—else? Why, out of all the women in the world, did his heart so stubbornly long for the one person who didn’t want him? It was maddening.
He pulled away abruptly.
Clare looked dazed and worried.
Xander refused to give up so easily. He drew her back in again, crushing her body against his. He tugged on her hair, gently pulling her head back, drawing a line of kisses down her neck to her collarbone and back up the other side. She moaned and ground her hips against him. She brought his hand to her breast, encouraging him to touch her more.
He played with her peaked nipple through the silky fabric, and she arched into his hand. He nipped at her earlobe, and she whimpered. She ground her hips against his hardening cock, pulling him into a deeper kiss. He was almost relieved that someone else could stir up desire in him after months of nothing. Clare didn’t mind his roughness. In fact, she seemed to enjoy the passion.
She worked the laces at the collar of his tunic and slid her hands under the hem, feeling along his skin. Her hands felt lightly callused but soft, and they reminded him of Cece’s. He groaned. Hiking her dress up to her thighs, she guided his hand between her legs.
Clare whimpered his name, and everything heated in his body iced over.
He hated the sound of it on her lips. It was so sexy, but also wrong. His body instantly rebelled at the fact that she was not Cece.
She pulled back and looked at his face. “Did I do something wrong?”
Xander struggled for words as he shook his head. “No, you’re perfect. Beautiful, sexy, smart. I just feel like maybe we’re moving a bit too quickly.”
She pulled at the chain on his neck, lifting his wedding band from beneath his shirt. She dropped it like it burned her and shrunk away from his lap. She sank into her own chair, instantly sliding her prim and proper mask back into place as she adjusted her dress and fixed her ruffled hair.
“Clare,” he said softly, but she wouldn’t meet his eyes.
“I can help you get over her, you know,” she whispered.
“She’s unforgettable.”
“Because she was a goddess?”
“Is a goddess,” he corrected.
“What makes half of her better than all of me?” Clare challenged.
He was going to answer, but Clare’s eyes had shifted from anger to interest. Xander sealed his mouth, realizing that she’d moved from fury to assessment and information-gathering. He didn’t like the feeling of sharing parts of Cece with someone who saw her as competition. For years he’d watched women of the court tear each other down over men, and he didn’t want any of them to have an easy way to wound Cece.
At his abrupt silence, Clare’s face clouded with frustration and humiliation.
She stood abruptly. “Very well. Even if you can’t forget, I could help you move on. If you decide you want that, let me know.”
She turned and breezed out the door. There was a finality to the way it slammed behind her.
Xander slumped into his chair. He was frustrated with himself, frustrated that one woman had rendered him so irreparably broken that he could no longer access the carefree hunter he’d been before they met. For years, he’d been practical about romantic pursuits, but now he felt wholly dismantled and unable to find that practicality again. He felt panicked at the thought of failure.
A light tap on the door startled him.
“Come in,” he said.
Xander was divided. Part of him wanted it to be Clare, and the other part of him prayed desperately it wasn’t. He didn’t know what to say to her when he was barely holding himself together. He had no clue what he needed.
His breath came in rapid, shallow breaths. He was losing it.
The door creaked open, and Princess Jessamin entered the sitting room. “Your Grace,” she said as she dipped into a curtsey.
“Yes, hello,” he said, realizing too late he was supposed to get up and bow.
He brought a hand to his chest, trying to slow his racing heart. What is wrong with you? He chugged his glass of whiskey.
Jessamin looked stunning in a burgundy and gold gown that showed off her figure while also highlighting the strength in her arms. She studied him quietly, her warm brown eyes going soft. “Is something wrong, Your Majesty? Are you well?”
“I’m—I’m not sure,” he admitted. A cold sweat broke out on his back.
“I saw Princess Clare retreating, and I thought perhaps you might want company, but I can come back.”
“Please!” He jumped to his feet. “Please don’t leave.”
He tried to calm his breathing, but it was so rapid and shallow. His vision narrowed.
Jessamin hesitated where she was as if trying to decide if it was best to leave him with whatever shred of dignity he had left or stay and try to help.
She chose to stay.
“Sit down,” Jessamin said forcefully. He sat back in his chair, and she dragged the other chair right next to him. “Put your head between your knees and try to take a deep breath.”
He followed her orders without question simply because she sounded like she knew what she was talking about. Her cool hand alit on the back of his neck.
“It’s going to be okay, Your Grace,” she soothed.
“Call me Xander,” he rasped.
“It’s going to be okay, Xander,” she said, rubbing slow circles on his back.
His breathing was still too rapid, and he worried he might faint and then eventually die of humiliation when he woke up, but before any of that could happen, Jessamin started to sing.
Her voice was clear and beautiful, and the song was lovely and haunting. He wished he spoke Novumi because he wanted to understand the words.
Her song had its desired effect; he was so distracted by it, his breathing began to even out. His heart rate slowed. Eventually, he sat up and looked at Jessamin. Her eyes were squeezed closed as if she was too nervous to look at him, but her body swayed with her words as if she contained too much emotion to express. It was beautiful.
“What is the song about?” he asked when she’d finished.
“It’s about a woman whose husband loses pieces of himself every time he kisses her. But he loves her so much he simply can’t stop. So he goes on kissing her until there’s nothing left of him and he disappears. She’s grieving him even while he’s still in her arms because she can see the end of their time together each time, with each kiss.”
“That’s heavy,” he sighed.
“It is. My mother used to sing it to me as a child when I couldn’t sleep.”
Xander cocked an eyebrow. “Seems a strange song to sing to a child.”
Jessamin shrugged. “Not to her. She was trying to warn me of the dangers of loving. You can’t love someone without losing parts of yourself.”
“But don’t you also gain things? New things? New parts of yourself that are excavated and waiting to be discovered?”
Jessamin’s face broke into a wide, beautiful grin that crinkled the skin around her eyes. “That’s what I said. I’ve always felt that way.”
“So you’ve been in love before?” Xander asked.
“Just once.”
“How did you get over it?” He meant it earnestly.
She placed her hand on his and squeezed. “I wish I could give you the magical cure, but I’m afraid I’m still learning.”
He smiled at her knowingly. At least there was one other person in this dreaded castle who could understand his plight.
“You can talk about it if you want. Or I can just sit with you. Or I can leave you alone with your thoughts,” she said. She poured herself a cup of tea and took a sip.
Xander hesitated slightly. He wasn’t sure he understood himself, but beyond that, she was from a neighboring kingdom that could use the information against him.
“Everyone is relying on me picking a new wife at the end of this. My people, my kingdom’s alliance with Olney. All of it falls apart if I don’t find a partner to build a life and future. I have less than a week left.”
Jessamin nodded. “That’s a tremendous amount of pressure.”
“It is, but the pressure I’m used to, and certainly not anything you aren’t dealing with, too. The problem is that I am pretty obviously in love with my ex-wife, who is madly in love with her fiancé and who deserves much better than me. I have talked myself out of it. I have tried to push it away with logic and reason, but there is no reasoning with this side of me. I can’t stop feeling what I feel, even if she doesn’t feel the same.”
He drank the rest of his whiskey in one gulp.
“How can I have a clear enough head to make such a big decision when she consumes me? I swear I’m trying, and it’s not for lack of lovely, charming women around me. I just cannot seem to let go.”
“Then why did you invite her?” Jessamin asked.
He wanted to admit that he hadn’t. That he’d needed her to come protect him yet again. But he didn’t need to share any more secrets with someone he didn’t know if he could trust. “Because I value her opinion, and she knows me better than anyone in the world.”
He expected Jessamin’s gaze to be judgmental. Instead, he was met with warm brown eyes full of compassion.
“Then maybe what you need to do is take her advice. Hear her out. Maybe you need to count on her to love you enough to see clearly when you can’t. If you truly trust her the most and you can’t pick on your own, let her pick, or at least weigh her opinion heavily along with your own.”
He considered it. Cece would be happy to share her thoughts, and she’d spent enough time with the women to have a feel for them. Even better, she had a sense of people and could read their emotions.
“Maybe you don’t need to let go so much as to make more room.” Jessamin shook her head. “What do I really know about this? I suspect I’m as clueless as you. I hope you’ll forgive me for speaking so freely.”
“I encourage you to always speak so freely with me. I find court speak exhausting and wasteful.”
A light tap on the door interrupted them. Xander beckoned the person in. A redheaded woman stepped into the room, bowing to both of them. She was dressed in the lilac Novum princess guard uniform.
“Your Highness, I’m sorry to interrupt, but you’ll be late for cocktails if we don’t get you back to your room soon.”
“Thank you, Maren. I’ll be right out,” Jessamin said. She watched her guard go before turning back to Xander. “If you don’t trust yourself now, trust who you were when you loved her. Trust you would only love someone who had your best interests at heart.”
He nodded as Jessamin stood to leave.
“For what it’s worth, I think you deserve more love than you’ll let yourself receive. Look for someone who gives it to you in a way that you can take it,” Jessamin said.
He nodded as the words settled into his mind. More love, different love. Not completely letting go, but making space. That felt doable.
“I’ll leave you to your thoughts. I hope you find some peace.”
He wanted to argue with Jessamin, but his head was a mess. He stared at her for a moment, truly seeing her for the first time. He wrote her off as too beautiful when he’d first seen her. Most beautiful women didn’t bother to have substance because the world wasn’t interested in it. But now that he looked closely, he saw how her eyes could be both warm and cunning, joyful and serious; how she could read a situation with a hunter’s mind and respond with a queen’s grace. If he hadn’t been such an idiot, he might have seen her as a choice before he let her ruin it by comforting him in a moment of impending dread.
“Jessamin,” he started. She paused at the doorway but didn’t turn. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome,” she whispered before slipping out, leaving him with nothing but her lime-and-ginger scent on the air and a harsh sense of regret.
How could a warrior princess ever respect a king who’d fallen apart in front of her like a child? His plight to find a wife seemed more impossible than ever. He was humiliated that Jessamin witnessed his distress. She’d obviously been kind out of pity and obligation, which spoke to her character. But he didn’t know how he could face her again after making such a fool of himself.
32
XANDER
Xander tossed and turned, trying to make a decision. He had two days until the ceremony where he was supposed to choose a bride.
Jessamin’s words bounced around his head. Every time he closed his eyes, he tried to envision himself with one of the ladies available to him, and every time his mind floated back to Cece.
When he wasn’t thinking about the decision awaiting him, his mind meandered to the magic to which Cal and Evan had fallen victim. Worries chased his chance for sleep until he thought he’d go mad with exhaustion.
He was right on the edge of dreaming when the creak of the passage door startled him. He blinked his eyes open, his whole body coming to life. He knew her by scent, by the patter of her footsteps crossing the floor.
Before he could react, Cece pounced on him. Her silk nightdress hiked up as she straddled him.
“Xander, I need you,” she moaned, grinding over his quickly hardening cock.
Cece was still barely speaking to him. It had to be a dream.
He sat up, pulling her close, kissing her neck.
He slid his hands under the hem of her nightdress. He was overwhelmed by the softness of her skin, her smell mixed with an herbal scent he didn’t recognize, and the intoxicating feeling of her body against his, the familiar muscle memory clicking into place. She was frantic, her fingers tugging at his hair, pulling him closer. She rolled her hips against his hardness.
“Touch me,” she whispered.
He was desperate to have her, worried he would climax just from her grinding.
“Please, Xander,” she whined.
She could probably make him come just from begging like that, but he needed more. All he had to do was shift the sheet covering his lap, and he could be inside her. He was desperate to feel her warm and wet and tight around him. He started to shift the sheet down when he heard the passage door again. He cracked an eye open and saw Rainer standing there.
“What the—Cece?” Rainer said. Cece pulled back and turned to look at Rainer. “What the fuck are you doing?”
Xander was thrown off by the strange turn the dream had taken, but Cece dug her fingernails into his shoulder, and he drew back as he realized he was very much awake.
Cece turned back to look at him. Xander glimpsed her eyes in the dim firelight. There was a strange haze in them, as if clouds floated over her irises.
Xander cursed. Suddenly, the strange smell around her made sense. It was the same wet, earthy smell of the magic that had affected Cal and Evan.
“She’s bewitched,” Xander said. “I’m sorry—”
Cece interrupted Xander by trying to kiss him. He held her away.
“I thought I was dreaming.”
Rainer looked at him skeptically, but he tilted Cece’s chin up and saw the cloudiness in her eyes.
“Well, it could be fun to have both of you at once,” she said, looking from Rainer to Xander.
Xander choked on a laugh. “How do you want us, Cece?”
Rainer gave him a dirty look. “You shouldn’t take advantage of her altered state of mind to ask her something like that. She’s going to be mortified.”
“You’re not the least bit curious?” Xander just wanted to hear her say it.
Rainer looked torn between worry and laughter as Cece drew him closer. Xander had definitely not given the man enough credit. Rainer was much more honorable, but he was clearly very curious.
“Cece, what happened to you?” Rainer asked.
She practically climbed his body, wrapping herself around him, kissing his neck.
Rainer frowned. “Tea. She made some tea before bed. The servants have left it there for us each night. I didn’t have any tonight. I just don’t know why she sought you out when I was asleep next to her.”
