Scatter, p.23
Scatter, page 23
She nodded her head. Her eyes looked bleary, but no longer able to cry. “That’s when I called you a liar.”
“Not exactly. You said I didn’t honor our agreement to tell you only the truth. And while that wasn’t exactly true, the spirit of it was. When I realized I couldn’t do what you wanted me to, I should have told you and told you why. Instead, I let my own struggles get in the way of giving you the connection and support you needed, whether you said you wanted it or not. For that I am more sorry than you can know.”
Lena snorted. “Two sorry people and one broken relationship.”
If it had been eight months ago, or even four, I would have taken her in my arms at that moment. We could have worked it out. But Lena was right that we were beyond easy fixes now. Her emotional life had imploded. Her professional life might be on an incredible upswing, but to get there she’d had to ditch her earlier sense of innocence and easy entitlement.
And us.
Which meant the wounds went both ways. Along with her cutting me out of her life, this news about the continuation of all my traumatic timelines put a serious wobble in my resolve to go after the CIA and SHATTER.
But only a wobble. Kenny and Kansas needed me.
I leaned forward and managed to push myself up to my feet. Lena did, too. Still not touching me.
“You know what you have to do?” Lena said, her mind still following along with mine somehow, my other self, even though we couldn’t truly be together right now.
“Tell me.”
“Go back to Wenling.”
“The bitch?”
It actually got a brief smile out of her. “If she’s as rich as she says, she’s your best bet to rescue your brother.”
“And my sister. They’ve taken her, too.”
That got a surprised look. “You know who ‘they’ are now?”
“Yes.”
“But you’re not going to tell me.”
“It’s not your fight.”
“An arm of the government?”
I stared at her in surprise.
“It makes sense. Your sister said they were interested in my time travel experiments. It’s probably because they already knew it was a real phenomenon. They just want me to show them how it works.”
I licked my lips. “I am going to talk to Wenling. See what her next move is and whether it’s something I can use.”
“Just remember, she may want more from you than you think.”
“She wants whatever will help her get back her brother.”
“She didn’t need to seduce you to get that.”
I looked down, my face reddening with guilt again, despite it being out in the open. Sort of. “I think she thought she did. She’d seen how jumping affected me. She needed me committed.”
“Uh-hunh.”
I met her steady gaze. I saw the jealousy and wondered if it meant there was still a way back for the two of us, or that this was what would keep us apart. And did that mean I should lie now or tell the truth?
I chose the truth. “It was good sex. It gave her the assurance she needed about me. Maybe about herself, too. It wasn’t anything like what we had, but I didn’t think we’d ever have it again, so…”
“You didn’t need to tell me that.” Lena just stared at me and now I couldn’t read her at all.
After an uncomfortable silence, I said. “Thank you for telling me about…all of this.” I waved my hand at the red modules and what they signified, but also at Lena and the fact of her and my blocked emails, Wenling’s attempts to control the situation. “Once I rescue my brother and sister, I hope we can, I don’t know, go out for coffee or something, and maybe talk through, a little more, all the things that happened between us. No secrets. Total honesty.”
Lena tilted her head a little to one side. “At some point we may do that, but I think you have the wrong impression about why I sent you the undelivered emails and brought you here. It wasn’t to open the door to us getting back together. For reasons I can’t discuss right now, that’s over. For good. This was something I owed you as a professional courtesy, because I know things about your condition that no one else does.”
The chill went straight through me, head to toes. But my mouth kept moving. “Professional courtesy… Asking about whether I slept with Wenling?”
“Political survival as well. I needed to understand my patron. You do too.”
“But…”
“Goodbye, Jackson.”
She sucked in her lips and bit down hard on them until I finally turned from her and walked away.
24
Lipstick on a pig
I tried to leave the lab with some dignity after what felt like now the third and most definite real rejection by Lena.
Even though she still cared for me. That biting of the lips. The tremor in her voice when she’d said “professional courtesy.” But something had happened, something “she couldn’t discuss right now.” A pregnancy? A secret marriage? A promise? A realization? Did it matter? It was getting into movie-of-the-week territory here. I wanted to say that kind of craziness didn’t happen to normal people. But I wasn’t exactly normal, was I? Nor was Lena. Or Wenling. Nothing about this fucked-up situation was “normal.”
I kept my mask on as I took the elevator up to the ground floor and left the building, hoping as I rose that my that Wenling had assigned Jian, my old, polite, impeccably dressed Asian chauffeur to not only drive, but also babysit me. I’d confirmed my Huawei phone connected only to the Wi-Fi in Wenling’s house, so if Jian wasn’t here…
He was.
As I walked out of Building #4, I saw him by the limo, wearing a black mask over his nose and mouth as he talked with one of the Zero Fail security guards. Exactly what he’d told me he’d be doing—checking up on the new security.
He spotted me and said something to the Zero Fail guy who faded back to some kind of patrol duty. I suspected that Jian’s close association with Wenling meant he outranked every security person on this site.
He turned to me now and gave me an almost imperceptible bow. “Are you staying in Seattle tonight, sir, or going back to Ms. Zhou’s home?”
“Has she sent word? Is anything significant happening I have to be there for?”
“There has been no word.”
“Then, yes, I’d like to check out my office to see how the restorations are going. And my apartment. Is that okay?”
“The office is safe. But your apartment is being watched. If you stay in town tonight, Ms. Zhou said she pays for any hotel, and also money to replace your wardrobe or other essentials.”
“Okay. I need to do the office because I have no way to touch base with my assistant without…”
Jian half-lifted a hand to interrupt me. “Ms. Zhou also believed you need a working burner phone here. She made me get one for you so you don’t have to risk buying one in a place that would leave a trace.”
He handed me a primitive looking little Nokia phone with a full dial pad and navigation buttons below its tiny screen. I turned it on and saw an icon for a camera, Skype, Opera browser, texting, and a game called Snake. Woo-hoo. I smiled thinly and thanked Jian. She had me get one for you meant, You will only use devices we allow.
I looked at Jian and smiled. I doubted he’d actually stop me from choosing my own phone, though he’d no doubt report it to his boss. The real question was whether asserting my independence here would impress Wenling or infuriate her and hurt our partnership.
For now, I thought, we’d do things her way.
I smiled at Jian and dialed my office number. Megan picked up on the other end and was delighted to hear my voice. I head sounds of construction going on in the background.
“I sent pictures of the work so far to your Gmail,” she said. “These guys are amazing.”
“And you’re amazing for being there. I’m going to swing by mid-afternoon. Can you ask the crew there to prepare any questions they have for me?”
“You’re back then?”
“Just for today. We still need to push all my clients back or transfer them. Probably two weeks to be safe. If there are any you really don’t want to handle, leave their names for me and I’ll call them when I’m in, okay?”
Megan’s agreement on the phone was deflated. “You can’t tell me? It’s about that trip you took, isn’t it? Are you relocating?”
“Yes, yes, and no, I’m not relocating. I’ll tell you all about this when it’s all over. You still seeing Bryan?”
“Yes.” Just that one word, and I knew.
“Good. Stick with him. You’re both worth it.”
Now she was sniffing. I signed off and said I’d see her later.
Jian had, of course, overheard everything, but his face was perfectly passive, his eyes judgment free.
“So I guess we’ll swing by my office around three or four,” I said. “Meantime, I’d like to pick up some new clothes. You know Seattle at all?”
“Quite well, sir.”
“Okay, then. I’m thinking ideally a bulletproof suit, if they have that kind of thing. Or some concealable body armor and a suit and shirts that fits nicely over it. Also some fresh underwear, socks, and shoes. And maybe…weapons?” Because relying on time travel that just created more and more fucked-up timestreams wasn’t the answer.
Jian nodded like my request was all nothing and opened the back door of the limo for me to climb in.
I did.
As he shut the door behind me and I tore off my face mask, I was surprised when my new burner phone rang. But of course, there was at least one person who would have this phone’s number.
“I received a notification when you used your new phone,” said Wenling in greeting. “How did it go? Are you all right?”
Torn between relief and resentment at hearing her voice, I started to say I was fine, ready to lie through my teeth to this second woman who’d played me, blocked my texts and emails, and sent me back to an old love she knew was going to kick me in my teeth. But as the limo pulled away from Building #4 and quickly out the gate, heading for the city, a last remaining lump of self-respect I carried deep inside me decided that I’d have truth on my side if nothing else.
I sank deeper into my leather seat and said, “It went as bad as you thought it would.”
“You told her about us.”
“Yes. She wasn’t pleased with you. It just seemed to confirm her opinion of me. Did you plan that?”
There was a pause. Then Wenling said softly, “I’d hoped you wouldn’t have to go back at all. She already cut you out of her life.”
I felt a flicker of rage at her words. “But you still felt you had to block her emails to me, my texts to her, and make up a goodbye email from her so brutal it left me weeping on your guest room bed.”
Another pause. She obviously figured she had to play this carefully. She was right. I’d made all the windows in the back compartment of the limo shift to dark, so anyone we passed couldn’t see my face right now. It was twisted in a combination of self-loathing and building hatred for the woman on my new burner phone who’d helped me into this state.
“Well?” I pushed her.
“I…wanted you,” she said. “The more I listened to Lena talk about you over the last year, all the things she’d loved about you and all the things she now couldn’t stand, two things became very clear to me. First, she is like a spoiled child who has never learned how to truly love or be responsible for anyone but herself. Second, you are her opposite. You came from a place of want and difficulty, raised yourself up through your own hard work and intellect, yet continued to love and care deeply for others. Especially for your brother and sister. This I understand. And in person, there is also a…magnetism.”
I pressed the phone hard to my ear and squinted my eyes tightly shut. The way she purred that last sentence made my penis twitch and my heart ache. Because I knew it was true, the physical attraction between the two of us. But for all my admiration of Wenling’s strengths and her devotion to finding her brother, she wasn’t…
What?
She wasn’t Lena.
Wenling’s willingness to kill people she’d never met, for instance. Her lack of hesitation stabbing me when she figured it would make me time travel. Could I ever actually fall for someone like that? Could she ever fall for me? She said she “wanted” me. But what did that mean?
If there’s an extra ticket, she’d asked, would you go with me?
What did that mean?
“Are you still there?” Wenling’s voice said.
“I’m here. I heard you. I’m just not sure I agree with everything you said. Have you contacted SCATTER?”
“Yes. I’m negotiating a parley. Do you know what that is?”
“Peace talks?”
“Of a sort. They’re requesting a more identifiable demonstration of power first.”
“Does someone else have to die?”
“No. That was a powerful message, though. It got their attention. They’re asking who my time traveler is.”
“What have you told them?”
“That it’s none of their business. At least not until certain agreements are reached.”
“Like what?”
“We’ll talk about those when you get back.”
“I need some time.”
“The demonstration will be the day after tomorrow, Sunday, and the parley likely a few days after. So you can have your time in Seattle. Do what you need to do.”
I released a tight breath I hadn’t realized I was holding. “Good. I’m going to shop for some body armor and new clothes.”
“All right. I’ll let Jian know to spare no expense and treat you to any meals and hotel you choose. If he can get you some weapons, that would be good, too.”
I gave a coarse chuckle. “I guess our minds are working along the same lines, after all. Though I don’t know what you think you can get them to agree to. Do you come to the parlay with guns?”
“There should be no violence. But the strongest foe…”
“…is the one you never see coming. I remember.”
“Have fun,” she said, holding the last word a little longer than necessary, as if she wanted to add something to it. Dear? My darling? Sweetie?
The line clicked and went dead.
As we sat, nearly unmoving in Friday-afternoon traffic backed up behind an accident on the 520 Bridge, Wenling had been pushed out of my mind by an insistent, repeating loop of all things Lena.
There was the first time I’d seen Lena as a mystery visitor in my classroom, the first time I’d heard her voice, heard her laugh, kissed her, seen her frown in concentration, beam in delight. I remembered her crying in remorse over nearly strangling me to death to make me time jump, and I remembered her welcoming me into her again and again, in so many different ways that were all about completion and communion and coming home.
Her Persian skin took on so many shades and textures in different light—nubbly bark in a sudden cold morning gust of air, silky smooth chocolate in my warm apartment as I inhaled the citrus of her neck and unclipped her bra, bunching and beaded and salty with sweat as we made love or did a long run around Washington Park together.
Every moment was real and perfectly there so that I could almost live it just by closing my eyes. But that wasn’t enough. Because the one thing imperfect about perfectly remembered people and moments was that they couldn’t change. There was no future in a recorded past. No possibilities. No chance to hear or feel I love you expressed in the endless varieties an ever-thirsty soul required.
Especially when the remembered love was fighting forever with, Goodbye, Jackson…I think you have the wrong impression…just professional courtesy…So…A man who can’t stand for what he is, is nothing…I want you to leave. Now.
What remained was the simple truth that I had not been enough for the woman who’d been everything for me.
And even if I could now, somehow, meet with the dangerous old Southern Cajun Andre Poussaint, or whoever else was the running the SCATTER program, I had no illusions that I’d be able to overcome them somehow the way that I had with the two-bit gangsters run by Cutter. Especially since I hadn’t really overcome Cutter at all. With all my power, I’d just managed to get myself captured, tortured, and free again long enough to call in the cavalry.
Maybe I could repeat that trick with Poussaint? Wenling surely had the resources for a bigger cavalry than the Lead-the-Way foursome. Of course, it might have to be exponentially bigger in order to take on a national intelligence agency which routinely worked to take down entire foreign governments.
Would Kenny survive that kind of showdown? Would Kansas? Were they even still alive?
And if they weren’t, what did I have left? My true love was gone. My mom and dad barely knew I existed. My best friend worked for the enemy, whether he knew it or not. My office assistant would probably be safer if I never showed up again. And I was increasingly unsure I had anything true and honest to share with my students or clients.
I was a dysfunctional fraud on the brink of emotional and spiritual collapse.
So sure, let’s get me a nice flak jacket, suit, and some guns in case I somehow get a chance to run in somewhere to save my sibs.
Fuck off, Jackson.
No, you fuck off.
How about we both just fuck off and…die.
25
Words of a solider
We bought the body armor first, in a nondescript shop in the SODO district where they eschewed face masks even as they sold you equipment to save your life. Even accepting that irony, it was a strange experience having my physical proportions measured to get a remarkably slim, flexible fit that gave me Kevlar protection from my clavicle down to my lower belly. Jian had me move about with it on to ensure I had adequate comfort and freedom of movement.
Next, he took me to a set of nondescript shops that sold menswear, face masks optional. These weren’t Marios or Beckett & Robb, but their fabrics and selection, not to mention the prices I hear discussed, were leagues beyond anything I’d ever bought for myself before. And the privacy of the process meant I could try on each piece of clothing over my already-purchased body armor.
