A ghost in shining armor, p.25
A Ghost in Shining Armor, page 25
She stood and went to the door, where Levi was standing like a guard dog. He hadn’t let Lacey in. Usually, that wouldn’t have stopped Lacey. Something had changed. The thought brought Gemma anxiety, but she checked herself. Something should have changed. She had changed.
But what if Lacey didn’t like who Gemma had changed into?
She would deal with it, she promised herself. But she wouldn’t anticipate it. Not when Lacey was her best friend, had been for years. That meant something. That deserved some faith.
“It’s okay,” she told Levi. “I can take it from here.”
His eyes swept over her face, and he squeezed her hand as he walked back to the kitchen. Some of her anxiety eased, and she faced her friend.
“Hi.”
“Hi,” Lacey said, her expression merely inquisitive. It was her lawyer expression.
Gemma bit her lip. “What are you doing here?”
“Really?” Emotion rippled across Lacey’s face. “Is this how it’s going to go?”
She thought about it. “No,” she replied. “Let’s sit outside.”
Lacey’s expression tightened, and now, Gemma could see the hurt, the confusion. She ignored her desire to fix it. Lacey could have emotions without Gemma feeling the need to fix them. A faint shimmer of pride rolled over her body, and she clung to it as she led Lacey to her outdoor patio set in the garden.
By some miracle, the square table and its four chairs had yet to be stolen, something she’d expected when she set it up. Sure, it was heavy, but criminals were motivated. She fully attributed the fact that it was still there to her neighbors. Mr. Redding watered his garden an illegal number of times, so he had a reason to be outside.
Lacey didn’t say anything until they sat down. Gemma was tempted to start speaking, to fill the uncomfortable silence, but that would have undone all the progress she’d congratulated herself on. She folded her hands into her lap and waited.
Lacey cleared her throat. “There seem to be things we need to talk about.”
“Yes.”
Her friend frowned, as if she hadn’t expected the agreement. “Let’s start with your parents.”
“No,” Gemma said. “Let’s start with the wedding.”
“The wedding?”
“Yeah.” She paused. “You know I went out of my way to make that day special for you?”
“I . . .” Lacey’s frown deepened. “Yeah, I know. Of course I know.”
“Do you?” Gemma pressed. “I mean, do you really know? I intervened with your mother countless times, trying to make sure she didn’t impose. Same with Chet’s mother. And Izzy, for that matter. I fetched the cake, I made sure the thank-you cards were printed and written, I went to get your dress, I spoke to the chef to make sure every single thing would be to your specification.” Now that she was listing it, it sounded endless. How had she managed to do it all? “So, Lace, do you know?”
“I feel like you’re blaming me for that,” Lacey said, leaning forward. Her confrontational pose. Being a lawyer, Lacey didn’t back away from even the hint of a fight. Something in Gemma wanted to stand down, but she knew if she did, she would never forgive herself. “I didn’t ask you to do those things.”
Gemma gave her a look.
“Okay, fine. I asked you to do some of those things. But you wanted to!”
“I didn’t want to do those things. I wanted to make you happy. There’s a difference.”
“And now you’re blaming me for it?”
“I’m blaming myself, actually,” Gemma admitted. “For making you feel like asking me to do some of those things was okay.”
Lacey’s lips parted, surprise shimmering in her eyes. Gemma swallowed. Took a breath, and told Lacey what she’d figured out about herself over the last two months.
“I don’t remember a time before my parents told me I was adopted. There wasn’t a big reveal, or anything. They spoke of it casually, didn’t make me feel different in any way because it was a simple fact. I was adopted. It wasn’t a thing.”
She traced a pattern on the table.
“It worked. At some point, I don’t know when, I started thinking that maybe they kept talking about it for a reason. Like I was meant to earn it or something. They would be horrified to hear me say that . . . I am, too, if I’m honest.”
Her fingers stilled. She curled them into a fist and dropped her hand to her lap.
“My point is that I’ve practiced pleasing people for a long
time. The longest. I didn’t mind it, because I didn’t know any different. Besides, I wanted to make the people I care about happy. I wanted my parents to not regret deciding to be my parents. Or my friends,” she added softly. “But I found out—” She hesitated, not ready to delve into the Gaia situation yet. “I realized that it was less want than need. A desperate need to be loved and cared about. To not . . . regret me,” she said again, because that was the whole point, wasn’t it?
Lacey was entirely focused on Gemma. Another one of her lawyer skills. She had the ability to make a person feel as if they were the only person who had anything of importance to say. Usually, Lacey would use that skill to lull them into a false sense of security before she got them to confess to a multitude of sins. Gemma had seen Lacey in action once, and it had scarred her forever.
“You didn’t tell me any of this,” Lacey accused.
“I just found out myself.”
“Because of Levi?”
“Some of it, yeah. Well, a lot of it,” Gemma corrected. “I would have got there eventually, but he helped. He’s annoying like that.”
Lacey bit the inside of her lip and sat back. “You’re saying you did this with me? With the wedding?”
“Not only with the wedding,” Gemma said. “With our entire relationship.”
“So it’s a lie?”
Gemma rolled her eyes. “No, you dork.”
“I’m the dork? You’re the one telling me our entire relationship was built on a lie.”
Gemma stared, and started to laugh. “That was not what I said.”
“Well, it felt like it!” Lacey said, but she was laughing, too. “You’re so dramatic!”
“Me?”
They kept laughing, probably because they knew they were both being ridiculous. Probably because things were going to change, and it was scary, but necessary, and laughing . . . laughing felt like this issue wouldn’t keep them from being friends.
“I took advantage, didn’t I?” Lacey said when they’d calmed down. “With the wedding. Maybe other times.”
“Definitely other times,” Gemma corrected. “With my parents, for one. That was not cool.”
Lacey opened her mouth, her expression fierce. It crumbled quickly after, and she closed her eyes. “I knew that was wrong. I knew I was crossing a line, but . . .” She opened her eyes. “Don’t be mad, okay? I know how this sounds, but . . . well, I was jealous.”
“Of me? Why would you be—”
“Not of you.” Lacey shifted. “Of Levi.”
“Of Levi?”
“Yes.” Lacey sniffed. “This is not the easiest thing for me to admit. Please do pay attention.”
Gemma rolled her eyes at the faux formality. “Fine. Tell me why you were jealous of Levi.”
“Because he had you.”
“Lacey, I have no idea what that means.”
Lacey sighed. “It sounds terrible now, after everything you’ve told me, but . . . but I used to have you. Whenever I needed you. I’d call and you’d tell me you were coming.”
“Because I wanted to make sure you didn’t stop being my friend.”
“Yeah, I get that.” She bit the inside of her lip. “I absolutely took advantage of that. I won’t apologize for it.”
“Rude.”
“You didn’t let me finish. I won’t apologize, because of course I took advantage of it. It was you. I got access to the warmest, kindest, sweetest, sauciest person with one phone call.” Lacey rolled her eyes. “It’s annoying, actually, how wonderful you are. How being your friend makes me feel like I’m likable and funny and important.” She took a breath. “I didn’t know it made you feel the way it did.”
Gemma didn’t respond immediately. This conversation was making her aware of yet another layer of what she was feeling. She didn’t regret doing any of the things she did for Lacey. Or for any of her friends, really. She just . . . didn’t want to feel like she had to do them. Plus, it was kind of nice to hear that she was a good friend. That Lacey seemed to need her as much as she needed Lacey.
When she told her friend that, Lacey rolled her eyes again. “You’re an idiot. I need you. I need you so much, I’m jealous of your boyfriend, because he gets all of that, and I come second.”
“Third,” Gemma corrected. “I’m trying to put myself first these days. So technically, the ranking would be me, Levi, then you.”
“Thanks for the clarity,” Lacey said dryly.
“You’re welcome.”
There was a pause. Lacey laughed. “You’re such an idiot.”
“So you’ve said. You still love me, though.”
She didn’t know why her heart was beating so hard at that. Or why it went back to normal when Lacey replied.
“Yeah, I love you.” She leaned forward. “I’d love you even if you didn’t ask me how high when I wanted you to jump.”
“That’s a weird way of phrasing it,” Gemma said, but tears were pricking at her eyes, and she was blinking rapidly.
“My brain works weird. You know that.”
“I do.”
“I’m sorry,” Lacey said after a while. “I’m sorry that we had to have this conversation for me to see that I shouldn’t be taking advantage of your kindness.”
“Thank you.” Gemma took a breath. Exhaled, and felt the tension leave her body. “It wasn’t only you. I taught you how to treat me.”
“I should have known better.”
“Yeah, you should have.”
They smiled at each other.
“We’re going to have to talk about boundaries and shit now, aren’t we?” Lacey asked.
“Yep.”
“And about Levi. Is he living here now?”
“Yep.”
“Talk about moving fast.”
“I believe you started planning your wedding to Chet after the second date.”
“That’s different.”
Gemma snorted.
“It is!” Lacey insisted, but pivoted. “We also need to work on your self-esteem. It’s at like, a one, and it needs to be at least a ten.”
“Our level system is only out of ten.”
“A minimum of ten.”
“You can’t change the rules because it suits you,” Gemma accused.
“Yes, I can,” Lacey disagreed. “Especially in this case.” She crossed her arms. “You’re trying to distract me. But—if you can’t see that people are going to love you because of who you are, it’s a self-esteem issue.”
“No—” Gemma broke off. “Maybe it is.”
“You’re awesome.”
“Is this you working on it?”
“Indeed.”
“Well, then,” Gemma said. “I am awesome. Thank you for the reminder.”
“Don’t mention it.”
There was a longer silence this time. Lacey reached out and squeezed Gemma’s hand. “I’m grateful that you’re my friend. Even with the boundaries and shit.”
“Me, too.” She squeezed back. Released. And felt something shift. She looked her friend in the eye. “Do you want to know what started this entire thing?”
Lacey’s brows lifted. “Sure.”
“I have a sister.”
CHAPTER 26
Things were going well until he said I love you.
It was a mistake, obviously. Levi hadn’t changed so much that he would proclaim his feelings like that intentionally. They were in the kitchen, she was nagging him about something, and it just kind of came out.
“What did you say?” Gemma asked, after an awkward silence.
“Nothing. Here.” He took a spoonful of the chocolate baking mixture he was about to turn into a cake. “Eat this.” That usually distracted her.
But not this time.
“Did you say you love me?”
“No.”
“Levi.”
“Gemma.”
“You said it. I heard you say it.”
“I believe,” he continued—clinging to the lie, because what else could he do?—“what I said was that you’re annoying.”
“You said ‘if I didn’t love you, I’d find you more annoying.’”
“Doesn’t sound like me.”
“It sounds exactly like you,” she insisted. “Apart from the I love you.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“You love three things: your sister, your father, and cooking-slash-baking. Wait, four.” She cleared her throat. “Your mother.”
He’d never told her any of that that, but he supposed it was true. The fact that she knew it proved the nature of their relationship.
“And now,” he said quietly, “apparently, you.”
Gemma stared at him—and moved. Gently, she took the spoon out of his hand, pushed the bowl aside, and kissed him.
He didn’t think about what she was thinking, only took her in. Eagerly, desperately, as if they hadn’t been doing some iteration of this for the last month. He’d never get tired of the sweetness and spice he tasted when she opened up to him. When her tongue swept into his mouth, and he hardened, and his body became entirely hers.
She did the little shimmy that usually meant she was gearing up to jump him. It would always remind him of a cat, a comparison she had not appreciated when he’d mentioned it to her. He found it sexy, he assured her, and though she clearly didn’t believe him, she also didn’t stop doing it.
And when she jumped, he caught her. She wrapped her legs around him. He pushed her against the wall. Their kiss deepened. Her hands were everywhere: over his shirt, under. She dragged her nails over his shoulders. Again, over his chest. He’d told her once he liked it, that it made him feel like he belonged to her, and she’d responded by doing it every time.
He pulled off his T-shirt, pulled off hers as he steadied her against the wall. She was wearing a simple cotton bra. Red, with a trim of lace at the top, pressing into the generous curves of her breasts. The sight never failed to arouse him. Never failed to make him submit to the temptation to take that flesh in his mouth. Soft, oh, so soft. He grazed his teeth over it, before sucking her nipple through the fabric. She arched her back, pressing her lower body closer to him as she offered him her chest.
Knowing what she wanted by now, what she needed, he took his time licking. Sucking. She nudged against him, and he gave her the space to lower her legs to the ground, but then he was back at his task. She fiddled with his pants, pulling his belt out of the loops and throwing it on the floor somewhere behind him. Opened his buttons in one aggressive movement, and soon her hand was closing over his erection and moving.
He moaned, his mouth still open, pressed against her breast, and she stilled.
“I thought we’ve been over this,” she panted.
“Over what?”
“You stop, I stop.”
He chuckled, moved his tongue. She shuddered, the vibration going through him, in him, and taking hold of his entire body when her hand resumed stroking. His hips thrusted, hands moving over her butt, one hand staying there while the other slipped into her panties. His fingers moved through the tangle of curls—she’d told him she hadn’t shaved once, along with the chastity panties, to which he’d told her he didn’t care, and she hadn’t shaved since—and began to play.
His mouth found hers again, and they kissed, desperately, passionately. Suddenly, they weren’t kissing anymore, only breathing, panting, their hands touching and squeezing and teasing.
“Let’s do it,” she whispered.
He stopped, pulled back so he could look into her eyes. “Are you sure?”
“I love you, too,” she said simply, and undid him. He pressed a hard kiss to her lips, wrapping his arms around her before kissing her again when he could hold her tight.
“What about . . .” he trailed off, not sure how to ask.
“What about everything?” she finished. “I don’t know. I don’t care.”
“That’s . . .” He shook his head, something deep and heavy shifting inside him. “Okay.” He took a breath. “So let’s talk about condoms.”
She blinked. “Condoms?”
“Protection.”
“Yeah, I know what condoms are.” She frowned. “Do we need them?”
“I was tested before I—”
“No,” she interrupted with a huff of laughter. “I mean, yes, that’s good to know, assuming you were going to say you were tested before you died and everything’s good to go. Here, too, by the way. But . . . you’re a ghost. Do we need condoms?”
“I . . . yes? Yes,” he said again. “I don’t know if we need them, but it’s better to be safe, right?”
“Right.” She nodded. “Don’t want to end up with a ghost-specific STD. Or a ghost baby. Sheesh. Can you imagine?”
“I cannot,” he said, even though he could. Even though the image of a baby Gemma made him feel warm and full.
“But maybe your sperm are ghosts, too. With their little ghost capes.”
He made a strangled sound.
“What?” she asked. “You don’t think it would be cute?”
“Gemma, this is not what I’d like to be talking about right now.”
“Why n—” She broke off when he pushed his hips forward again. “Oh, right. Of course. Let’s use condoms to be safe, and we can—”
“Not to interrupt this,” came a voice from behind them, “but we all should probably talk.”
Jude truly had the worst timing.
Levi shifted his body to give Gemma some privacy, and waited as she put her top back on, putting on his own when she was done. She walked behind the kitchen counter, disappearing from view before rising and offering him his belt. He took it, looped it into the bands of his pants, searching her face the entire time for any signs of distress. She seemed remarkably calm, even winking at him as she stopped beside him to face Jude. When he was done, though, she took his hand. Threaded their fingers together and held on tight.
