Hold you down a novel, p.26
Hold You Down: a Novel, page 26
Deon hugged her as she cried. He understood all too well just how helpless she felt. It took a few minutes, but she eventually composed herself.
“You okay?” Deon asked.
She nodded. “Yeah.”
He sat down on one of the kitchen chairs. “I know how you feel,” he admitted. “Truthfully I think about Judah all the time. Especially when I’m driving. Judah and my mother. How much I miss them. How much they taught me. The funny thing is it’s easier for me to think about my mother. With her, the situation was completely out of my control. I wasn’t there. I couldn’t have helped her. I had no idea really what was going on with her. I was a kid, so it was out of my control. But when I think about Judah, I get mad. I feel ashamed of myself.”
Deon’s voice cracked, and Chanel watched him wrestle with his emotions. He fought back tears as he continued.
“That was in my control. And it was my fault. He’s in there because of me. And his mother is gone and he never got to say goodbye. He left her in my care and I fucked up.”
Deon shook his head, closed his eyes, and sat that way in silence. When he opened his eyes again, he took a deep breath, looked at Chanel and smiled.
“So, I know what you mean about having a broken heart. Join the club.”
They spent another hour packing up a few more boxes before calling it a night. Deon grabbed his duffel bag and left the apartment with Chanel. She watched him lock up the place.
“You’re not staying here?” she asked.
He shook his head. “Nah. Hard to sleep in there. Too many memories. I got a hotel room. I’m gonna stay there until after the funeral.”
Chanel nodded.
Deon took her hand. “Thanks for helping me with all this, Nelly. Feels good to have somebody to talk to about it. Not too many people understand the history between me and my family. But you do.”
“Judah loves you. You’re more than his cousin. You’re his brother. Your mother and Miss Mercy are at peace now. I picture them reunited in Heaven having a dance party in the kitchen.”
Deon smiled. He hugged Chanel, said goodnight and watched her disappear inside her mother’s apartment.
He left the projects that night and headed to the hotel, imagining that party in Heaven Chanel had described, and it made him smile.
The day of Mercy’s funeral, a dark cloud hung over Staten Island. The sky looked as ominous as Deon had ever seen it. He felt like he was operating outside of himself. Some type of out-of-body experience. He dressed in his hotel room, the first time he had worn a suit since his own mother’s funeral. He checked his reflection in the mirror and thought that his mother and Aunt Mercy would be gushing over him if they were alive. They always got excited whenever they had an opportunity to see him and Judah dressed up. Whistling and shouting compliments at them to boost their confidence. He knew that they would smile at the sight of him.
He got to the funeral home and greeted the small crowd gathered. Xavier had gotten there early. He sat in the front, closest to Mercy’s casket. He stood and greeted Deon as he entered and Deon could tell that he had been crying. Xavier sat back down with his pocket square in his hand, staring solemnly ahead. He had driven through their old neighborhood that morning, reminiscing on the good old days. As he looked at Mercy’s lifeless body in front of him, he couldn’t stop crying. It seemed so unfair for a woman with such inner and outer beauty to have lived a life filled with so much loss and pain.
Deon made his way around the room greeting everyone gathered. Chanel, her brother, Dallas, and their mother, Barbara. A few of Mercy’s coworkers were there. And Tommy.
Deon went over to him and they shook hands. The expression on Tommy’s face was full of regret as they sat down in two seats side by side. He shook his head to fight back tears as he looked at Mercy’s body in the casket.
“I couldn’t reach her after Judah went to jail,” Tommy said. “I tried. I really did. But she died the day he got sentenced. She stopped living. After that she was just existing.”
Deon nodded.
“I loved her. We were talking marriage. But when Judah got in trouble, she changed. Shut down. I couldn’t get her to talk to me. Instead of hanging in there and being patient with her, I got fed up and walked away. She deserved better than that.”
Deon wasn’t sure what to say. He didn’t have long to think about it before a commotion occurred near the door. The state police arrived with Judah. He was flanked on all sides by heavily armed law enforcement. He wore a green prison uniform and was shackled like a slave. They led him in and escorted him to the front of the room. A row of seats had been reserved for them there and they sat as the service began.
The minister spoke about Mercy and about the life she’d lived. But all eyes were on Judah. He sat staring at his mother’s remains. His hands were folded in his lap, and he sat with his shoulders squared. The expression on his face was pained.
Chanel sat behind him, wanting desperately to reach forward and touch him. She knew that if she did the officers would admonish her. She couldn’t take her eyes off him. He looked so different now. Still as handsome as he ever was. But there was a hardness to him now. He looked like a man who had lived much longer than his twenty-two years.
Deon stared at Judah also. He couldn’t tell whether Judah was listening to the reverend as he spoke about Mercy. Judah didn’t react to anything that was said. He never took his eyes off his mother lying before him for the final time.
Judah thought all the way back to his earliest memory of life. He was about three years old and it was his birthday. He didn’t remember much, but he could vividly recall a chocolate cake with three little candles in it. He saw his mother’s smiling face, and he remembered how he felt inside. Like he had everything in the world that day. He had all he wanted and needed.
Their bond had been a close one with him being the only child. For so many years it had been just the two of them. He remembered telling her about the books he read and she would give him her full attention. He listened to her stories about work as they ate dinner together. He realized as he sat there staring at her lifeless body that those had been what he would call the good old days. Those were the sweet moments that would define his lifetime. He wished he had known it then. That those were the good times. He would have reveled in them more.
Memories came flooding back to him in waves. Watching his mother and Aunt Lenox in the kitchen together laughing and talking. His mother taking him to libraries and museums all over the city when he was a kid. Always so willing to feed his hunger for books and knowledge. Their trip together to visit Morgan State and the things they discussed during that train ride. The countless visits over the years where they spent hours pretending that they were anywhere else but in a cold prison building surrounded by guards. He remembered the days when she had her restaurant, when she and Xavier first got together, and he realized that was the happiest he had ever seen her.
The congregants all around him rose, and Judah did, too. He wasn’t sure what part of the service this was since he had been so lost in thought that he hadn’t been listening. He soon realized that the small gathering of people was filing past the coffin one by one. He saw some people he didn’t recognize. Two white women and a Hispanic man who he assumed were coworkers of Mercy’s. They looked at him as they passed. Judah felt ashamed, knowing that this was not the way she would want to be remembered. The mother of a felon who had to attend her funeral in shackles.
He swallowed past the lump in his throat and straightened his posture. He reminded himself that Mercy had told him to stand tall like a man, even when he felt like falling apart.
Barbara and Chanel were next to file past. Chanel wore a simple black dress but still managed to look like a supermodel to Judah. He looked at her and they locked eyes. She walked over to him while her mother stood at Mercy’s casket crying softly.
Chanel looked at the guards. “Can I hug him?”
One guard shook his head no, his expression stone-cold.
Chanel looked at Judah.
“Judah, I’m so sorry. Miss Mercy loved you so much. And she knew you loved her, too, Judah. She knew it. She was so proud of you.”
He nodded.
Chanel stared at him, waiting for him to say something. He just looked at her, his expression blank. She cleared her throat, slightly embarrassed.
His hands were clasped together in front of him. He pressed them tighter together, willing himself not to weep. Chanel was the only person on earth besides Deon who knew how deeply Judah loved his mother. Seeing her again, hearing her speak about that love was enough to make him want to crumble.
Again, he nodded. This time, Chanel walked away.
Tommy was at Mercy’s coffin now. Judah tried to keep his temper in check. He wanted to fight Tommy. Standing up there crying now, openly expressing regret for abandoning her when she needed him most. As far as Judah was concerned, Tommy was a coward. He knew that their breakup had only made it harder for his mother to weather the storm. Thankfully, Tommy only nodded in Judah’s direction before he exited. Judah breathed a sigh of relief.
Xavier lingered for a while. He leaned down and whispered to Mercy one last time.
“I’ll miss you, Quiet Storm.” He touched his fingers to his lips then touched her cold cheek.
He walked over to Judah and could see him trembling as he fought to keep himself from falling apart. Xavier hadn’t seen Judah in years. Though a hardened and battle-worn man stood in front of him, Xavier could see the little boy who wanted so badly to run to his mother. With his eyes full of tears, Xavier touched his heart and bowed in front of Judah. He stood inches from Judah and looked him in the eyes as he spoke.
“You are her pride and joy. Don’t you ever forget it.”
Judah bit his lip and nodded quickly. Xavier exited briskly, overcome with emotion.
Deon walked over to where Judah stood. He spoke to one of the guards.
“Can I walk with my cousin to see her for the last time?”
The guard nodded. He escorted Judah to the casket, walking on one side of him while Deon walked on the other. The three of them stood at Mercy’s casket peering down.
Deon rested his hand on his aunt’s shoulder.
“Aunt Mercy, I’m glad that we got the chance to talk the night before you went to Heaven. I told Judah everything you said. Including the part about you being sorry for keeping secrets. And I’m glad I got to say sorry to you. I’m sorry for so many things.” Deon cried. “I love you, Aunt Mercy.”
He sniffed and wiped his face with the back of his hand.
Judah reached forward with both of his shackled hands and touched his mother’s hand. The chains on his wrist rattled as he moved, but the guard didn’t stop him. Mercy’s hand felt so cold in his own, and Judah opened his mouth to speak.
“Ma…” Tears fell from his eyes. “Ma…”
Judah let it all go then. His body quaked as he cried gutturally. The guard graciously stepped back and gave him space to weep. Deon held on to his cousin as the sound of his cries filled the room.
“MA!”
BROTHER’S KEEPER
Deon wanted to get the fuck out of town.
He was emotionally drained following Mercy’s funeral. Everything of value from Mercy’s apartment had been packed into the back of his Chevy Suburban. He had given Barbara the furniture she wanted from the apartment and tossed the rest out for the sanitation trucks to collect. Now he wanted to leave Staten Island behind for good. He had found nothing but pain and turmoil in that place.
He walked through the apartment for the last time. He stood in Mercy’s room where she had died. He thought about the nights she spent in there praying for all of them and wondered if those prayers had fallen on deaf ears. He lingered in Judah’s room the longest. The room they had grown up in together. They talked about sports, girls, Judah’s books, and all of his dreams. They had fought in this room, argued, and given each other the silent treatment. They had gone from boys to men within those four walls. He touched the spot where Judah’s Michael Jordan poster once hung. Then he went into the kitchen. He could still smell the scent of Mercy’s cooking even though the place was empty now. He remembered seeing his mother standing in there snapping her fingers and singing. He smiled, shook his head sadly, and walked out the door.
He went down the hall and knocked on Barbara’s door. Chanel answered and held the door ajar for him to come inside.
“Hey,” Deon said. “I can’t stay long. I just came to see your mother so I could drop off the keys to Aunt Mercy’s apartment before I leave. Miss Barbara said she would bring the keys to the rent office for me.” He handed her the keys.
Chanel took them, frowning. “You’re leaving?”
Deon nodded. “I was gonna stay until tomorrow, but I gotta get out of here. Today was too much.”
Chanel understood. “I feel the same way. I’m catching a bus back to school in the morning.”
Deon thought about it. “If you want to leave tonight, I can drive you back. I’m leaving soon, though.”
She thought about it. She looked around and shrugged.
“Are you sure?”
Deon nodded.
“Are you packed?”
She chuckled. “Yeah. Just let me grab my stuff.”
Fifteen minutes later, they had piled into Deon’s truck with Chanel’s suitcase and Deon’s duffel bag in the backseat. The trunk was full of the contents of Mercy’s and Judah’s lives all packed up in boxes.
Deon put the radio on and took one last look at the projects before he started the car and pulled away.
“Is it just me, or does this place feel smaller now?” Chanel asked.
“It ain’t just you. I noticed it, too. It seemed so much bigger when we were kids. Like these four or five blocks was the whole world. But once you leave and come back you realize it’s just a tiny piece of the puzzle.”
“Nothing ever changes either. I told my mother that. I want her to get out of here. There’s so much happening, so many people to meet and things to do. But in Staten Island, everybody’s stuck in a time warp. Every day feels like the day before it.”
“I’m never coming back,” Deon said, flatly. “No reason to now.”
Chanel sat back and got comfortable. For a while they rode along without talking, each of them lost in thought. The music on the radio filled the void as Deon drove and Chanel stared out the passenger window. The sun began to set as they crossed the Goethals Bridge and Chanel smiled.
“Remember that time you dared Judah to run through that swarm of mosquitoes?”
A slow smile spread across Deon’s face and he nodded.
“Yeeeah, I remember that dumb shit. We were in the third grade. Judah was in fourth.”
Chanel laughed and pointed at him.
“Judah wouldn’t do it and you kept calling him a sissy. So, I dared you to do it.”
“My dumb ass did it, too,” Deon said. “I got attacked while you stood there laughing.”
“Judah felt so bad for you. He thought you were gonna explode because you got all puffy and swollen.” Chanel couldn’t stop laughing.
Deon chuckled. “I was suffering. Every part of my body itched. I was scratching so hard that I started bleeding. Judah got some calamine lotion from Aunt Mercy and I plastered that shit all over myself for days.”
“Judah was always so caring,” Chanel said. “When I got chicken pox, he did the same thing. And he brought me books to read so I wouldn’t be bored.”
“He had a dark side, too, though,” Deon said, grinning. “He ever tell you about the time he tied my sneaker laces together while I was asleep on the park bench?”
“No,” Chanel said.
“He woke me up all of a sudden and told me to run. ‘THEY’RE SHOOTING, D!’ So, I got up in a panic and took off running. Bust my whole knee open when I fell.” Deon laughed at the memory.
Chanel did, too.
“Do you go upstate to see him often?” she asked.
“Not as often as I should,” Deon admitted. “I left New York for good when I was seventeen. Started working, moving around a lot. I write him letters all the time. Send him money, packages, and shit. But I didn’t make it my business to see him more than once or twice a year. I guess I figured Aunt Mercy was going up there to see him … it’s no excuse. After everything we been through, I should have visited him more. And I will. Now that Aunt Mercy’s gone. I’m all he got.”
Chanel stared out the window.
“It killed me seeing Judah like that today,” she said. “I’m not just talking about the shackles and the uniform either. He’s just … different now.”
“He’s adapted to his environment,” Deon said.
Chanel thought about that.
“When he went away, he wrote to me and told me not to wait for him. I loved him, you know? I thought we would get married someday. So, when I got that letter it crushed me. All this time I told myself that he didn’t really mean it. That he was just saying that to protect me and maybe to protect himself from getting hurt. But today when I saw him, it felt like he looked right through me. He didn’t look at me like … like he used to. It hurt.”
“He’s a zombie right now,” Deon said. “I’m sure he was glad to see you. It’s just that losing his mother is the one thing that could probably destroy him if he lets it. When my mother died, I acted a fool for years. Judah can’t afford to do that right now. He’s trying to hold it together. That’s all.”
She nodded, wishing she believed him. She looked at Deon.
“How about you? How have you been holding it together?”
