Sister gumbo, p.17
Sister Gumbo, page 17
“A child is not like a husband, a husband could walk away. You might want your child to walk away, but they always come back. It’s a wonderful feeling that I can’t even explain—you have to have a child to understand it.
“People who don’t have children just can’t relate. They don’t know how it feels because there are both heartaches and sweetness in having children. You’ll go through your heartaches and you’re going to cry a lot of nights but I wouldn’t want to change that. I wouldn’t want to go through life without my child.
“You worry about them when they’re small and you think you’ll be glad when they grow up but that’s just when you get started. You worry about them every night, even after they are married and away from home, you still worry about them. You never stop worrying, that’s the truth. Don’t think that just because they go off to college or get married and have babies and all that your worrying days are over, no, because they may still have problems and their problems are your problems. That’s your baby and if your baby is not happy, you’re not happy, so it never stops. That’s your baby until you die. But I still think motherhood is just wonderful and I think every mature woman should experience it. Notice that I said mature. That’s the key word. Every woman is not a mother and having a uterus, a vagina, and breasts don’t make you mother material. It takes honesty, maturity, love, and compassion—four qualities that I hope I’ve instilled in my son. I’ve tried to give him everything that I had and things that I wished I had. I think I have given him everything he needs to succeed in life if he listened and paid attention but that’s not the way it works sometimes. Children blow you off because they think you’re old and that you don’t know what’s going on. Regardless of what they think, you still have the responsibility of telling them the things they’ll need to know in order to succeed in life. That’s a never-ending battle for a mother.
“I guess I’m probably a little too big on giving him advice because since he is my only child there is an unbelievable fear, unbelievable. Every day of my life I’m scared that something’s going to happen to him. Every day of my life. I’m serious. He’s all I’ve got. If anything happened to him I’d have nothing else to live for and that’s the truth and I’ve told him that, I’ve said, ‘Please live your life a little bit for me. Don’t take a lot of chances, don’t do a lot of the things that I know young people do because you are my whole life. When you go out there acting a fool and do something crazy, you’re killing me because if anything happens to you, you have no more worries. I’m the one who would have to live with that and I couldn’t live without you.’ That’s just how I feel.
“I’m sure it hurts even if you have twenty kids, to lose just one of them. But when you have just one, you have nobody else to love if something happens. All of that love goes into the ground with that child and you’re left just hollow.
“For me there would be nothing else to live for and I can honestly say I don’t think I could live without him, I wouldn’t want to live, I’d have nothing to live for.” Jewell shrugged her shoulders decisively.
“When you have more than one child you have to get yourself together because you’ve got to be strong for that other child. I know you’ve seen it happen before where most of the time, when an only child dies, the husband and wife fall apart because they take it out on each other because they’re looking for something. They’re trying to heal themselves but all they’re doing is tearing each other down even more. To lose my child would be devastating. There’s not a day that passes that I don’t think … ‘I hope he drives carefully today; I wonder how he’s doing.’
“When he was young I had to force myself to let him spend the night away from home and then when he started driving I thought I’d go crazy. Most of the time I would stay up all night until I heard him pull up in the driveway and then I’d go to bed and pretend to be asleep. But I have to admit he was pretty good about coming home on time or calling when he was going to be late. He could never know how much I appreciated that.
“I want him to have a good life but the thing I want most is for him to be happy. I would love for my baby to marry someone who loves him back and be happy, no matter what. I look at him and say all the time, ‘You know I had other things in mind for you, but they didn’t work out. Everything is not picture perfect. I wanted you to go to college and get your degree and you didn’t want to do that. I wanted you to go and pursue other careers but you didn’t want to do that. I hoped that you would marry someone and ya’ll would love each other and I’d have grandbabies but that hasn’t happened yet. But what I want most of all is for you to be happy. If you never have a wife, if you never have children, I can live with that, I just want you to be happy.’
“When I asked him what would make him happy he said, ‘I would love to find a wife that would take care of me like you took care of Daddy when he had the heart attack.’ That just melted my heart.
“He tells me a lot but he won’t tell his dad anything. I let him be as free as he wants to be, no matter what he says and even if it’s not nice. Everybody needs somebody they can talk to, somebody that won’t judge them. I guess I’m his sister, and mother, and everything but that’s fine with me. If that means I’ve done such a good job of raising him that he feels that close to me then I’ve accomplished what I was supposed to as a mother.”
VICKY, FORTY-SOMETHING
“You know, I never really thought about why I wanted children,” Vicky said, sipping her margarita. “I guess I felt that once I got married, having babies would complete my family. I was happily married, so I wanted to have children to watch them grow up and add to that happiness, that’s just the way I felt it was supposed to be. Now that I have them, I realize it’s more than just a notion. It’s important that my children grow up to be good people. I mean, I want them to do good things, not just be financially successful. It is very important to me that I instill in them that being happy and being a good, honest person is the most important thing in life, no matter what profession they choose or how much money they make, because when they’re happy I’m happy too. And oh, don’t let me forget the other wonderful things that I get as a bonus for having children; all those hugs and kisses, those chubby little arms around my neck, just seeing them do good things that make them and others around them happy is a feeling I can’t explain. I love the feeling of being proud of them when they do something good, because all the hard work of raising children is worth it when they do something they can be proud of. It just does something to your heart when they feel good about themselves.
“The downside of that, if there is one, is that I’m so worried that they’ll come home with tattoos and body piercings all over the place like kids do these days, and I do not like that. I see other boys with their ears pierced and that’s okay but I don’t know that I’ll let mine do it. One of my daughter’s friends who is only eight years old and in third grade already has her eyebrow pierced. Now, you know her parents had to let her do that and paid for it too. That’s crazy for a child that young. What will she want to do when she’s fourteen or fifteen?
“I’m just afraid they’re going to get into the wrong lifestyle, you know, drugs and alcohol and stuff like that. I know that all I can do is talk to them about those things, and I do that, but I hope that I’ve talked to them enough so that they don’t think those things are cool and get involved anyway. I want them to know that what’s really cool is that they finish school and go to college and have a good job and become successful.
“The drawback, though I hate to admit this, is that since I’m the only parent in my house, I can’t do what I want to, when I want to. When your kids are young like mine, you still need a baby-sitter, and that’s a pain in the butt. I can’t have my boyfriend sleep over at night unless he leaves early in the morning before the kids wake up, because I think it’s disrespectful to my children. And I can’t have wild, passionate, loud sex if they’re at home, so even though I’m single, I’m still somewhat limited as to what I can do, I have to put their best interests first.
“Really, being a mother is a wonderful thing but you need to be mature and unselfish. Yes, there are many sacrifices you have to make. Many times you have to give up what you want in order for them to get what they need, but there should never be a time when a mother feels like she’s ‘missing out’ because of her children. They didn’t ask to be born, so even if you didn’t plan them, once you’ve played the big girl game, you have to pay the big girl price, and believe me, it costs a pretty penny in more ways than one. Still, if I had to do it all over again, I wouldn’t trade my children for anything in the world.”
JESSICA, THIRTY-SOMETHING
“I’ve always wanted more than one child and surprisingly we had twins the first time so I’m through. There’s nothing like receiving news like that when you’re expecting only one child. I grew up just like an only child myself and that’s why I like having my space. My only sibling, a brother, is thirteen years older than me so I don’t even remember him living with us. By the time I was five he’d already left for college. I look back now and realize that I don’t have anyone to share memories of growing up with and if my parents died tomorrow it would just be me so I didn’t want it to be like that for my children. I wanted my children to have someone else to share memories with so I always wanted at least two or three, and I wanted them to be close in age.
“What I love most about being a mother are the hugs and kisses every day. There’s nothing I dislike, absolutely nothing. Yes it’s a big responsibility but you expect that if you’ve ever been around anyone who has children. Responsibility is a given but the rewards you get for all the work is worth it.
“I want my children to be independent, loyal, and have leadership qualities so they won’t be followers and it’s my responsibility to instill those things in them. I want them to have a sense of responsibility and ownership, and I want them to be successful individuals, and I want them to be happy and have loving families. But like all mothers, I do have my worries and fears. I think my biggest fear for them is that they would have to grow up without me. I worry that if I get sick or something I won’t be here for them but I can’t do anything about that except take better care of myself.
“The other thing I worry about is that I will try to give them too much and spoil them.” Jessica rubbed her hands along her thighs as she spoke. “See, my parents gave me whatever I wanted. I had my first job when I graduated from high school and I was fortunate enough to work in my uncle’s business so I brought home about $300 a week. My parents made me put my money in the bank because whatever I wanted, they would buy for me. I just saved my money. When it came time to go to college I was thinking, ‘Oh, this is nice, I’m going to college and I got money in the bank.’” Jessica shook her shoulders from side to side like she was dancing. “I wasn’t thinking that I would have to spend that money, I thought I’d be able to keep it in the bank because my parents were always giving me money.
“Well, to my amazement and surprise, they made me pay for our plane tickets when it came time for me to get moved in for college and I was shocked. When we got to the town that I was going to attend college in, my parents and I opened up a checking account. The bank gave me this cute little checkbook but I still didn’t understand the concept. I’d put some money in the bank, then turn around and take it right back out so it was like why even bother putting it in a checking account when I’m going to have to write a check and use it. I might as well keep the money and buy what I want.
“I was spending the money too fast and by now my parents had the responsibility of paying my college tuition so they didn’t have as much ‘free money,’ as I call it, to splurge. I was calling home for an extra $100 when I had just gotten $300 and my mom was like, ‘No, you need to get a job’ and I was like, ‘Get a job? For what?’ Well, I got a job and started paying for the things I wanted but it still didn’t hit home until I graduated from college and I had to pay rent and a car note. I got my own car on my own credit and I had to budget so I could make that car note because if I didn’t have a car I couldn’t get to work. I’d never had to do these things before, so I didn’t have all that ‘free money’ to buy clothes.
“Every day I used to go shopping and bring something home. I was used to it because that’s what I did when I was living with my parents, and I never realized it until I came home and my roommates said, ‘Every time you come home you have a bag.’ It wouldn’t be any big thing, maybe something like a bra, panties, whatever, but every day I did have a bag.
“Because of my personal experience with money, I’ve learned to make my children think they’re using their own allowance when they want something, then I’ll pocket their money and save it for them. I once heard the comedian Jamie Fox say that his grandmother raised him and when he got a job every time he got paid she’d make him give her his check. Well of course he got mad at her and called her all kinds of names under his breath, but when he was working his way up the ladder on his way to becoming a comedian, he got in a tight and he needed some money so he called his grandmother to help him out. She told him, ‘I have some money for you; it’s your money. I’ve been keeping your money all these years,’ and he appreciated that.
“So I think I’ll do something like that with my children. I want to instill in them that they’re using their money when they want to buy something and if they don’t have enough to buy whatever and want to borrow from me I’ll keep a little notepad and let them borrow. Maybe that way they won’t feel like I just give them or buy them whatever they want.”
LADY, FORTY-SOMETHING
“Children just do something for you. They make your life worth living. You want to see them successful and happy, and you want to see good things happen for them, and when it works out that way, it makes you feel proud. The most important thing about being a mother is that you need to be ready when you have children. I don’t know how you get ready, but you need to realize that you don’t come first anymore, those children come first. Whatever you’ve got to do to make sure they have what they need, that’s what you need to do and that means you cannot be a selfish person.
“I try to raise my children to have good values; I hope I’ve instilled self-respect and self-love in them, because if a person can’t love themselves, they can’t love anybody else. Children need to understand that they’re important, and that they have something to contribute to society, and I tell them that as often as possible. I try to say positive things all the time, because children believe what you tell them. I also tell them they should always put God first, read the Bible, and talk to God every day because you can’t have a relationship with God unless you spend time with Him—just like you can’t have a relationship with a person unless you spend time with them. If the time ever comes when they can’t get Mama, Daddy, or anybody else on the phone, they know how to get on their knees, and they know God will be right there with the answer they’re looking for.
“I want them to be honest, open-minded, and positive about life, especially since they’re young. There’s so much opportunity out there for them that they don’t even know it. I tell them, ‘The only limitations you have are the ones you set for yourself. Right now is the best time in your life and you don’t have any commitments to anyone but yourself, and everything you’re doing right now is for your future, not mine.’ When I send letters or cards to my daughter in college, I find myself telling her to get a little bit of everything life has to offer. I say, ‘You’re a young, beautiful black woman, and you’re getting a college degree so that you can have more choices in life. Your future is out there just waiting for you, but you have to go and get it, and it may not always be easy. However, with an education, the possibilities are endless.
“It’s nice to have a boyfriend and all that, but if you ever find yourself in a situation with a person who is negative and has no dreams, or goals in life, you need to let him move on to the next girl, he’s not for you. If he doesn’t make you happy, don’t be bothered with his ass, do not waste your time because you don’t have to. As a matter of fact, don’t waste your time being around any negative people who are always depressed and talking about the white man is holding them back. Yeah, he might have his foot right smack in the middle of your back but that’s no excuse for not trying. If you get that college degree, somebody’s got to move their foot sooner or later.
“I try to make sure they have high self-esteem because I feel that’s really important for girls. If they don’t think highly of themselves, they grow up with very low expectations of how others should treat them, and that’s not good. Once a month me and my girls will go to a play, a musical, or a museum, and then we’ll have lunch or dinner at a nice restaurant, because I want them to have those types of experiences. And every now and then I talk my husband into taking them out on a date, just because I want them to know how a lady should be treated. I think that’s very important.
“It’s important that boys have high self-esteem too, but girls just seem like they get walked on so much more in life if they don’t. They’re not only going to get walked on by men, they’re going to get walked on in the workplace or wherever they go if they can’t speak up for themselves. If they don’t have enough faith in themselves, they become very negative and once that happens, they’re not going to get anywhere in life and they end up with all this baggage that nobody wants to deal with. Since my girls are so softhearted and affectionate, I worry about their self-esteem all the time.
“When I look at them, and see that innocence in their eyes, and when I hug them and feel the softness of their skin, those are special moments for me. I often look at them and think, ‘Those are my babies, they’re part of me.’ They’re part of my heart and if something happened to one of them, a part of my heart would just die, so I’m always praying for their safety.
