We walked along in silence for a little while until we came to a grassy opening and we sat down, bathed in the golden glow of the sun. The air was sweet and warm, and as we lay down, I rested my arm against my face to shield myself from the blinding light of the sun. It was one of those idyllic days without any cloud cover in the sky. The grass was soft against my back, and I ran the fingers of my free hand along the ground, feeling the warm grass and the soft soil underneath. A few butterflies wafted around us, and I felt as though I just wanted to stay here forever.

  “So what have you come up with when you’ve been thinking about what you want to be?” Clint asked.

  “I honestly have no idea. I want to get a job, but the only ones I’m qualified for are ones that I should have been doing when I was a teenager. I’ve been thinking about maybe going into security, or even becoming a cop although I don’t really want to put my hand on a gun again. Sometimes I get these flashbacks, and I feel as though I’m back in the war. It happens at stupid times, like the other day when I was going to the gym, I ran over a pothole, and I thought it was a mine. I don’t want it to happen when someone else could get hurt.”

  “A lot of people go through the same thing. You should come to the next meeting; I think it would help.”

  “Maybe, although I don’t think standing up and telling my story is for me.”

  “You don’t have to talk if you don’t want to, but it would be good to listen. And I’m always here if you just need a word.”

  “I appreciate that,” I said, and then told him about the conversation I had with my Mom. He smiled widely and praised me for it, which made me smile too. I didn’t realize how much his encouragement meant to me.

  “Did you have a similar one with your Dad when you came back?” I asked. I figured since he seemed to have a solid hold on his feelings he might have been able to have that kind of conversation, but, from the way his head turned away and his long exhalation I knew that there was something wrong.

  “Dad isn’t really the type of person I can have those kinds of conversations with. He doesn’t understand that my service wasn’t filled with glory and honor, so when I try to talk with him about it, it just...well, the conversation never goes the way I want it to go. I think he wants me to be grateful to the army for giving me the opportunity to serve, and whenever I try to tell him how it affected me, he just brushes it off and says that I’ll get over it. I can’t tell him about what happened, or what I lost.”

  “Someone you knew?” I asked.

  Clint nodded. “A guy. He was my...well, we were more than friends.” He ran his hand over his jowls. “And I can’t tell my father how important he was to me.”

  “How’d it happen?”

  “The usual thing. He was out on patrol, and they got a lucky shot. Could have been anyone really, but it was him.”

  “I’m sorry. I lost people too. I can’t help feeling like it should have been me. Like, why did I survive when they didn’t? What makes me so special or deserving of life when they had lives too? No matter how much I think about it I can’t quite get my head around that.”

  “That’s “That’s the thing ain’t it. It’s hard enough just to survive, never mind when you know that someone else could take your place and make a better job of it than you. The only way I can make peace with it is to believe that we have to live in honor of them and be as happy as we can be for their sake. I have so many mixed feelings inside. Without the army, I never would have met him, but also he wouldn’t be dead if he never signed up.”

  “What was his name?”

  “Jason. He was the first guy I properly fell for. When he died, I knew I had to get out of the army as soon as possible. What about you? Did you ever try looking Christine up?”

  I let my head loll on the ground and let out a dark laugh. Clint propped himself up on one elbow and looked at me, his figure blocking out the sun, casting me in shadow.

  “What’s so funny? You two were good together.”

  “We were, and if I hadn’t gone into the army, we might have been even better. There was one point when I was sure that we were going to get married and live the high school sweetheart fairytale.”

  “So, what happened?”

  “She promised to wait. I told her not to, even though deep down I hoped she would. We spoke a bit while I was over there, and exchanged some letters. She said that she couldn’t wait for me to get back home, but then when I did, she didn’t make the effort to come and see me for a few days. Turns out that she had shacked up with Paul.”

  Clint’s mouth dropped open. “Paul? Wait, Paul McCrae?”

  “The very same.”

  “No way.”

  “I’m telling you, apparently after school, he went straight into working for this insurance place, and he got a few promotions. He owns a big house, and I guess that was enough to convince Christine that he was the man for her. They’ve got a kid on the way and everything.”

  “Wow, I guess nothing turns out the way you expect.”

  “You can say that again.”

  “So...is there anyone else on the horizon? You always did know how to catch the eye of a lady.”

  I smirked. “I think those days are long behind me. I’ve had a few conversations in bars, but I don’t know, it just hasn’t felt right. I haven’t felt myself, and I don’t want anyone else to get mixed up in this mess. When I sort out my own problems, maybe I’ll start looking, but I don’t think I’d make a very good boyfriend right now.”

  “I don’t know about that, you’re a good guy at heart, and when it comes down to it, that’s what’s important. Besides, sometimes to move on, you have to move on, you know what I mean? Like, you have to get back on the horse as soon as possible, or you’ll forget how to ride.”

  “I think these things are like riding a bike. I’m not sure you can forget them. What about you, anyway? If you’re so convinced that’s the right way to live, why aren’t you going out on dates all the time?”

  “I said move on, not go and flaunt yourself to every available chick in the area. But no, unfortunately, the pickings are rather slim around these parts, which is another reason why I want to leave at some point.”

  “I’m sure there must be someone to play around with or ride like a bicycle,” I said with a knowing smile and a teasing gleam in my eye.

  Clint shifted his body so that his legs were folded and he leaned forward. He ripped up some grass from the ground and shredded it before sprinkling it back over the ground.

  “You know, when I was younger, I thought all I wanted was to play around and experience as much as possible, and I thought maybe the army would give me that opportunity since I’d be away from home and away from Dad, but then I met Jason and everything changed. We just connected, you know, like he knew me better than anyone and I knew him, and I knew then that anything purely physical wasn’t going to be fulfilling. I need the emotional connection, you know? I want to feel like someone really gets me, the same way he did.”

  “It sounds like you cared for him very much.”

  “I did...I do. It seems stupid because it’s not like we were together for very long.”

  “I don’t think it matters how long you’re with someone for. Look at how many married couples are together for decades and just end up getting divorced because they were never really happy. The timing of these things doesn’t matter all that much; it’s more about the intensity of the feelings.”

  “Check you out,” he nudged me in the shoulder, “maybe you should be the one to lead the support group if you’re going to drop all these emotional insights.”

  I chuckled. “I wouldn’t go that far, I just end up watching a lot of daytime TV, and I guess enough of it gets lodged in my mind.”

  “Well, you never know, you might be able to make a career out of it. I’ve been thinking about becoming a qualified therapist.”

  “That’s really cool.”

  “Yeah, I like helping people at the support group. It’s made me aware of just how many people need help, and how many people don’t have anyone to talk to. Sometimes a conversation can do wonders, and I hate the idea of people out there struggling because they feel afraid or unable to talk to people close to them.”

  “It’s weird the way that works, isn’t it? How you can be afraid to talk to people close to you but feel comfortable to talk with a stranger.”

  “Just one of the many wonders of our beautiful brains,” he said, and we both laughed. We continued enjoying the leisure of the park for a little while longer before we had to both leave, although in truth I would have happily stayed there with him until night fell. His company was a welcome respite from the loneliness I felt in my own company, and when I was with him, I found that I didn’t have to be tortured by thoughts from the past. Before we went our separate ways, I pulled him back and thanked him for the afternoon.

  “I was a little scared that we might have lost our rhythm. You know what it’s like when people are apart for a long time. I’m glad that we can talk just like we used to.”

  “Me too,” he said, “I can always use a friend. So, can I expect to see you at the next meeting?”

  I thought it over for a few seconds and then nodded. “I’ll be there,” I promised, and I knew I wouldn’t let him down.

  Chapter 4

  Over the following few days, I was in a happier mood. It felt good knowing that I had something to look forward to, and, although my nights were still plagued with terrors and there were occasions when I jumped at a car backfiring, I was overall in a better state than I had been in a long time. I tried to make more of an effort to spend time with Mom, even forcing myself to feign happiness in the hope that faking it would truly make it. I helped her with some jigsaw puzzles, and I knew that she appreciated the time we spent together, and that helped me feel a little better too. We didn’t talk much. I guess she figured that if I wanted to talk about anything, then I would, and I doubted she wanted to hear all the gory details of my time spent in the army. There was something comforting about sitting in silence with her, knowing that she would always take care of me.

  As the day of the meeting approached, I grew anxious and had second thoughts about going, but I didn’t want to disappoint Clint. If I hadn’t made him that promise, I may well have chickened out, but I steeled myself against this new thing and drove to the gym, making my way to the small room in the back where the chairs were set out in a ring. Most of the people there were familiar faces, but I was glad to see I wasn’t the only new person. Clint gave me a warm smile as I entered and took my seat.

  I hadn’t planned to speak, so when Clint asked if anyone had anything they’d like to share my lips remained sealed. I looked around. A few other people seemed to share my reticence, but others were more used to the rhythm of these meetings. One woman stood up and wrung her hands together. I recognized her from the last meeting, but I hadn’t heard her speak then.

  “I’m Monica, for those of you who don’t know me,” she said. I noticed that she was always moving, even if it was just a twitch of her foot. “Recently I’ve been doing well. For those of you who are new, these meetings really do work. I’ve made so much progress, so much so that I started seeing a guy recently. We’ve only been together a few weeks, but it got me thinking about the future, and I couldn’t help the way my mind just spun out. We were talking about our views on life, and the thing is, he knows I’ve been in the army, but he doesn’t know the effect it had on me. And then we got talking about kids, and he said he definitely wants them, but I’m not sure if I do. How can I bring a child into this world knowing the kinds of things that go on? And I know that makes me strange because having a kid is a normal part of life. It’s what we’re biologically driven to do, but given everything I’ve been through...I wouldn’t want that on them, and what’s more, is that I’d want a child to be proud of me, but how could they be when I wouldn’t be able to tell them about anything I did?

  I thought I was ready to move on with my life, but when I think about the future there are so many things that fill me with doubt, and at the moment, I’m just wondering if I can go on and live a normal, fulfilling life.”

  She nodded and sat down, crossing her legs and bringing her hand to her mouth where she chewed on her fingernails.

  Clint waited a few moments to see if anyone had any wisdom to offer Monica, but when nobody spoke up, he did.

  “It’s natural to have these feelings. Even people who haven’t been through what we’ve been through feel overwhelmed with thoughts of the future. I think a lot of the time we have to put a hold on our feelings and take baby steps into the future. Our lives are long, hopefully,” this raised a dry chuckle, “and the world is big. It’s easy to get overwhelmed, but as long as we’re happy and doing things that make us feel comfortable, we can feel assured that we’re doing right by ourselves. I think as long as this relationship makes you happy, you should keep with it. People change over time, and as the relationship progresses, you might find yourself more at ease with the thought of having a family, but there’s no rush and no pressure on yourself. I’d also suggest that you talk to your partner about these feelings. Honesty is one of the most fundamental aspects of a healthy relationship, and if he shares the same feelings as you, then I’m sure he’ll want to help you through this, just like you’d want to help him if he was struggling with anything.”

  He spoke these words directly at Monica, but then he opened out his body to address the rest of the group in a wider point that he thought was applicable to all of them.

  “You know, coming back to this life is scary in and of itself, and moving into a relationship is a big deal, but we can’t let the fear control us. Being with other people is one of the few ways we can move on with life and give ourselves a good chance at happiness. We have to give ourselves that chance, but it also means we have to be vulnerable too. Sometimes we’re going to fall for the wrong people, and they’re going to hurt us, but eventually, we’re going to find the right people, and they’re going to help us through this mess we call life. Hopefully, we’ll all be able to find trustworthy people who can help support us when we have moments of weakness and doubt, who can reassure us that everything is going to be okay, and who we can turn to for love and support. Monica, it sounds as though you’ve gotten lucky with this guy, so I hope that you can find the strength to share your feelings with him.”

  A few other people spoke throughout the meeting, and I listened intently. They all had different problems to share, but I noticed that everyone nodded along. We all understood their struggles. I had been feeling so alone ever since I returned, but here were kindred spirits, and the only question I had left for myself was why it had taken me so long to embrace the support of this group. However, I wasn’t ready to share anything yet. I wasn’t the only one not to speak, but I waited for Clint afterward, hoping that we could hang out. I helped him tidy the room.

  “That was a good turn out today,” I said.

  “Yeah, the numbers fluctuate. Sadly a lot of the new guys won’t return.”

  “How can you be so sure?” I asked, furrowing my brow in confusion. I figured that the hard part was in coming here, not in staying.

  “That’s just the way it goes. Support groups aren’t for everyone. As much as I’m proud of the work I’m doing here, I’m not a professional, and some of them need more help than I can give. I feel bad that they’re so alone they can’t even bring themselves to reach out to us.”

  “I guess I know how they feel. I’m sorry for not speaking; I just didn’t feel ready.”

  “It’s cool, just go at your own pace. There’s no pressure here. Some people have been coming for weeks, and they haven’t said a word, but I’m glad they keep coming because it means it’s doing some good.”

  I asked him if he wanted to hang out afterward, but he said he had a few errands to run around the house, so we could, but I would have to help him. I didn’t mind that at all, so as soon as we finished clearing up the room we headed back to his place. His Dad didn’t work much; he was a contractor, but work had been slim pickings for the last couple of years, so he was sitting in the lounge drinking a beer when we arrived. He welcomed me with a handshake and said it was an honor to meet a fellow soldier. I saw what Clint meant about his father having a different perspective on the army than the both of us.

  We grabbed a sandwich before we went out into the yard and began to clear away some of the weeds that had grown in the garden.

  “I was thinking about making this a little meditation area, a place where I can come to lose myself for a little while. I don’t want to have to go to the park all the time just to relax,” Clint said.

  “I can’t imagine your Dad would be happy at the prospect of having a meditation area. It doesn't seem like that’s his thing.”

  “And you’d be right,” Clint smiled. We got down on our hands and knees and began to rip up the weeds. It was surprisingly intense work. Before too long, our brows were prickling with sweat, and we needed some fresh lemonade to cool down. “Jason got me into it. He told me it helped him cope with everything that was going on.”

  “He sounds like quite a guy.”

  “He was...sorry, I don’t mean to keep talking about him,” Clint said and hushed his voice as he glanced towards the house, making sure that his Dad wasn’t going to come out to eavesdrop.

  “It’s okay. I know you don’t get much chance to speak about him. I’m sorry that I didn’t get the chance to meet him.”

  “Me too, I think you would have liked him.”

  “So, you think Monica will take on board what you said today?”

  “I hope so, and I hope the man she’s with will give her the support she needs. But she’s got a good head on her shoulders, so I think she’ll be alright. At least she’s taking her time with it.”

 

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