Bisexual men exist, p.11
Bisexual Men Exist, page 11
The pathologizing of m-spec identities means that mental health professionals refuse to believe that m-spec identities are normal, that they exist, and so they invalidate their client’s identity. This means that m-spec people are who are seeking the help they need are often subjected to further discrimination, which may put them off accessing help. This creates a new barrier for m-spec people, who may continue to suffer with their mental health issues as they are unable to get the support they need.
In Women in Relationships with Bisexual Men: Bi Men By Women (Pallotta-Chiarolli 2016), there are numerous instances where the women or their partner, the bisexual man, sought help from a therapist or other medical professional, such as their GP, only to be met with discrimination – from some men being told that their relationship would die, to others being convinced that they were gay and should leave their wife. It is clear that these healthcare professionals didn’t see m-spec identities as valid.
In several instances, these professionals were gay men and projected their own experience onto their client. One of the women, Rachel, mentioned how a gay doctor both herself and her husband were seeing clearly had an agenda to split them up. The doctor told her that she ‘needed to get help for my problem which was not being able to release my gay husband’ (Pallotta-Chiarolli 2016, p.446). Another, Scarlett, said that her GP told her how he was in a similar situation and had left his wife, and it appeared that he was convincing her husband to leave her.
Intersectionality
The situation can worsen for those who are not just m-spec, but hold other identities at the same time. Ismail struggled with both obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) and anxiety prior to questioning his identity but found his condition was exacerbated by his sexual identity. When he sought help, his therapist was completely clueless on matters of race and dismissed his experiences.
CJ found that after an attempted suicide and forced hospitalization, he was treated horrifically by mental health professionals who misgendered him and blamed his issues on the fact that he was trans.
I will be talking more on the issues experienced by those who belong to more than one marginalized group in a later chapter but it’s important to mention here how this creates yet another barrier to accessing the help and support m-spec men need.
Getting help
While there are clearly many issues around m-spec men getting the care they need, and some have experiences that are far from ideal, a number of m-spec men told me how much these services have helped them.
James P may have had to wait a few months to get help on the NHS only to deal with a therapist who was clueless on the struggle of being bisexual and closeted, but he found the process useful nonetheless. Therapy helped James P to process his thoughts and his journey so far in life; it enabled him to get his head straight and talk openly about himself and what he was struggling with. It made a huge difference to his life, changing his mood, and gave him the courage to open up to his wife.
Terence had to wait an extremely long time to get the help he needed but found it very useful when he finally did get it. His counsellor helped him to accept himself, affirmed the difficulties bisexual and m-spec men face and told him he had a right to be what he was. It helped expand his vocabulary so that he could fully articulate his feelings about his experiences as well as what he wanted and needed going forward. This whole process was incredibly beneficial to Terence and his mental health.
Jay purposely sought out a queer-friendly therapist. MyMind in Ireland allowed him to filter therapists based on who was knowledgeable on LGBTQIA+ issues, so he was able to find a therapist who understood his issues. He found this space incredibly useful as it gave him the opportunity to be open and honest about his issues and it has helped him to come out to more and more people.
VR has had a similar experience with Open Path Collective, allowing him to find affordable mental healthcare in New York City with people who were queer and very well educated on the issues LGBTQIA+ people face, which allowed him to work on his struggles with depression and anxiety. Pink Therapy is similar to MyMind and Open Path Collective, allowing you to find LGBTQIA+ specialized therapists in the UK and get the help you need.
There are also a number of charities which provide free therapy, peer support, group therapy or helplines and work directly with LGBTQIA+ people. LGBT Foundation, LGBT Switchboard and MindOut are three such examples of where people can go to access help in the UK and get more inclusive support than they otherwise would on the NHS. The Bi Survivors Network is an m-spec-specific organization that helps m-spec people who have experienced sexual and domestic violence, through bi-weekly virtual chats.
So, while it is clear that accessing help for your mental health is not easy, it is very important to do so. Accessing help means navigating a minefield of issues, from stigma to cost and further discrimination. But there are options available out there and it can make all the difference in improving your mental wellbeing.
Sexual Health
As we discussed in Chapter 1, the AIDS epidemic created an image that m-spec men are vectors for disease. They were painted as villains who bridge the gap between the homosexual and heterosexual communities causing HIV, a disease seen to only impact homosexual men and men who have had sex with men, to spread to unsuspecting and ‘pure’ heterosexual women and even their unborn babies.
The stigma around HIV and sexual health melded with monosexism and m-spec phobic narratives to create a perfect storm that caused direct harm to m-spec men, forcing many to go back in the closet or conceal their identity in order to reduce the discrimination they received.
The issues from this period persist to this day. Many m-spec men still conceal their identity for various reasons, even from medical professionals, and m-spec men are still seen by many to have HIV simply by virtue of their identity. This means that m-spec men may not be able to access the resources they need in order to protect themselves and look after their sexual health, which directly puts them at risk.
In this section, I will be discussing the topic of sexual health and m-spec men, the issues that they face and the impact it can cause.
Staying in the closet
As mentioned in Chapter 2 on coming out, Todd, a bisexual man I spoke to, decided to remain closeted during the AIDS epidemic. He told me that while his decision to be closeted was not initiated by the AIDS crisis, it was definitely reinforced by it. He first started having feelings for multiple genders around 11, which was five years before the first report of the AIDS crisis making national headlines.
His parents, like many others, associated AIDS with being gay. Naturally, m-spec identities weren’t well known and were readily erased as they often tend to be, even in the present day, therefore any man who was attracted to or having sex with other men was seen to be gay. AIDS was also seen as a death sentence. Todd feared that if he came out, he would not only lose his parents’ love but also burden his parents with the belief that eventually he would die from an AIDS-related illness.
In the book Dual Attraction: Understanding Bisexuality (Pryor, Weinberg and Williams 1994), the authors interviewed various bisexual people between 1983 and 1988, to see how their lives changed. During this time, the AIDS crisis unfolded and we can see the direct impact this had on bisexual and m-spec people’s lives.
The book reveals that the AIDS crisis altered the behaviours of these bisexual people and affected their relationships. It was noted that 40 per cent of their respondents mentioned becoming more wary of disclosing their bisexual identity, and ‘three times as many men as women cited AIDS as a reason for becoming more wary’ (p.274).
Some men mentioned only engaging in relationships with same-sex partners as relations with the heterosexual world worsened as bisexual men were painted as disease carriers. In fact, the number of men with no female partners rose from 4 per cent to 20 per cent and the number of men with five or more female partners fell from 33 per cent to 14 per cent.
A number of bisexual women in this book mentioned sex with men, especially bisexual men, as being more risky and therefore they became more interested in pursuing same-sex relationships and encounters. Some bisexual men mentioned that being seen as an AIDS risk caused their relationships with women to end, made it harder to find female partners and made them less comfortable in putting themselves out to women.
A number of bisexual men said they no longer had same-sex relationships. The number of men with no male partners rose from 14 per cent to around 33 per cent and the proportion who had five or more male partners fell from around 50 per cent to around 33 per cent.
AIDS was cited frequently by bisexual men, especially those who had tested negative, as they feared they would catch HIV. Some mentioned that it was harder to find male partners as spaces like bathhouses, often heavily populated with gay and bisexual men, were now empty. This, again, was likely due to the fear of AIDS causing people to retreat from these spaces and from sexual encounters with strangers in general.
There was also a fear not only of catching HIV themselves but passing it on to their female partners. Some of these men used their relationship with their girlfriend or wife to hide their identity and assume a straight label for themselves.
Throughout Dual Attraction, what can be seen is that while some bisexual men chose to retain their label and identity, their behaviours likely changed. Others decided to essentially submerge themselves in either the gay or straight communities and hide their bisexuality.
The bisexual bridge theory
The concept of the bisexual bridge theory clearly had a marked impact on the lives of these m-spec men, but how much of it is true? A study in San Francisco from 1994 entitled ‘Are bisexually identified men in San Francisco a common vector for spreading HIV infection to women?’ looked at the behaviours of bisexual men during the AIDS crisis and how these changed (Coates et al. 1994).
The study revealed huge drops in people who were having unprotected anal sex with multiple male partners, from 70 per cent to 12 per cent. The decline in unprotected sex was across the board, including those having unprotected anal sex with men and unprotected vaginal sex with women. These drops were more pronounced in those who were knowingly HIV positive.
It also showed a decrease in the number of people who had sex with multiple partners and an increase in celibacy among bisexual men. The researchers concluded that, at least in San Francisco, bisexual men who were single ‘do not appear to be a common vector for spreading HIV disease to women’ (p.919).
This was also seen in Dual Attraction: Understanding Bisexuality (Pryor et al. 1994), where the people were also based in San Francisco, and numerous people talked about practising ‘safe sex’. Some chose to use condoms for most or all of their sexual encounters. Others decided that monogamy and cutting out casual sex was the only way to remove the risk, while others used protection even in these relationships. Being selective with your partners and vetting them was also mentioned.
However, this may not necessarily be the case globally. In Chapter 11 of Women in Relationships with Bisexual Men: Bi Men By Women, Pallotta-Chiarolli (2016) discusses the sexual health issues that bisexual men face. She mentions that, internationally, a large proportion of bisexual men ‘did not necessarily practice safe sex’ and ‘engaged in high risk sexual behaviours’ (p.297).
But there are studies that show that bisexuality is not the super spreader of disease that the media would have you believe it is (Binson et al. 1997). As mentioned previously in Chapter 1, we must remember that HIV transmission can occur between heterosexual men and women. And there are other ways HIV can be transmitted, such as drug use.
It is important to not scapegoat m-spec men as the problem, label them as a vector of disease and claim they are bridging the gap between communities. Instead, we must understand the root cause of the issue and address it.
The impact of not coming out
What impact do stories like Todd’s and those in Dual Attraction have on the sexual health of m-spec men? As we have already noted, even in the present day a large proportion of m-spec men simply do not come out. Whether with friends and family or healthcare professionals, m-spec men often hide their identity. Without disclosing their identity, are m-spec men getting access to the care that they need? Are the resources and information around safer sex reaching them?
Pallotta-Chiarolli (2016) states that the resistance from men to identify as gay or bisexual and the denial of their same-sex encounters may explain why bisexual men are not having safer sex. Those men who are not engaged with the gay community may not have access to the information around safe sex with men and ‘therefore may have been putting themselves and their sexual partners at risk unwittingly’ (p.297).
The resistance to identifying as m-spec among men who have sex with people of different genders is multi-layered. Some simply may not identify with this label. These men may have a heavy preference for women, both sexually and romantically, and desire a future with women. Meanwhile, they may also have sexual encounters with men which are often casual, fleeting and infrequent. These men may see themselves as straight and identify as such; therefore, the messaging around safer sex for m-spec men, men who have sex with men, and men who have sex with both men and women may not reach them.
I should make clear here that identity is what an individual makes of it. If these men see themselves as straight and identify as such, this is perfectly valid even if their sexual behaviour may point to other identities. However, it is also important to look at the barriers for these men to identify as something other than straight.
These men will have been brought up in a monosexist and heteronormative society. As a result, they may believe that m-spec identities do not exist and understand that if they were to disclose their attraction to men, they would be seen as gay. They know that this would lead to discrimination and the various hardships that come with that. We have seen how these structures play out in Chapter 2, and how they have prevented m-spec men from coming out.
There are various aspects of a person’s life that are impacted when coming out, as we have discussed in the book thus far. One area that may be of particular interest here is dating and relationships. As we discussed in the dating and relationships chapter, m-spec men often struggle to gain the attention of women due to m-spec phobia. These men may be acutely aware of how they would be perceived if they were to come out as m-spec or even express their attraction or disclose their relations with regard to men. They may understand that they would be seen as gay and this would lock them out of relationships with women. While not all of these men may necessarily be more attracted to women, this may be the case for some and the reason for retaining a straight identity.
This idea is often used to demonize these men, blaming them for the spread of HIV. This is especially true of Black men, as mentioned previously in Chapter 1 on representation and education, as the media portrays them as ‘down low’. While there is evidence to the contrary that m-spec men aren’t the super spreaders of HIV, this is entirely beside the point. Demonizing m-spec men in this way is not helpful. All this does is create a stigma that stops m-spec men from being open, both about their HIV status and their identity. This causes increased barriers for m-spec men to get access to the help and resources they need. Instead, we should be understanding the issues that m-spec men face and finding ways to solve them.
Lack of research
Another major issue here is the lack of research. The long-standing problem of poor research into the issues that m-spec men face when it comes to HIV perpetuates a cycle where m-spec men are not getting the help, information, resources and care that they so clearly need.
As I discuss more in the chapter on Pride, many of our spaces, groups, communities and activism often fell under the banner of gay or lesbian and gay. This was also the case when it came to activism around HIV and AIDS. While m-spec people were part of this fight, something that Shearing (2021) discusses in her book, they did so under the banner of gay. As a result, m-spec people are often erased from the narrative.
Research around HIV and AIDS often focused on gay men. As Dodge and Feinstein (2020) state in their paper entitled ‘Meeting the sexual health needs of bisexual men in the age of biomedical HIV prevention: Gaps and priorities’, ‘Historically, the field of HIV/STI prevention has primarily focused on addressing the sexual health needs of gay men (or “men who have sex with men [MSM]” as a broad category) with limited attention to the unique needs of bisexual men’ (p.217).
Research on m-spec men often didn’t ask the right questions, which meant it didn’t help tackle the issues m-spec men were experiencing. Crawford, Kippax and Prestage (2020) looked at two large studies conducted in Australia: Project Male-Call and the BANGAR (Bisexual and Non-Gay Attached Research) Project. These studies examined the sexual acts of these behaviourally bisexual men, the level of intimacy they showed when having sex with men, where they had sex with men, their preferences, recent sexual history and so on. They also examined condom use in certain situations.
Yet it appears the researchers did not ask anything regarding why these behaviourally bisexual men were not connected to the gay community, the barriers they faced in doing so, the discrimination that they faced, the reason for hiding their sexual acts with men, and so on. They did not ask the right questions, and therefore did not fully capture the lived experiences of m-spec men and the way in which m-spec phobia and erasure impacted their lives. This naturally meant that no meaningful actions were created. Due to the failings of this research, there was no ammunition to fight for policy changes and get the funding necessary to fix the barriers for m-spec men. This is an issue that persists to this day.
