The singing trees, p.31
The Singing Trees, page 31
Welcomed by Walt and a host of Mancusos packed into her apartment bearing hand-me-downs and baby gear, Annalisa carried Celia into her apartment for the first time. Though she knew it should be a happy moment, she was terrified. Since deciding against giving Celia up for adoption, she had tried to make sense of staying, but it was feeling more impossible by the minute.
She hated herself for not being more thrilled and tried to remind herself of all the women who dreamed of this day. It wasn’t that she resented the baby; it was just scary. In fact, it had nothing to do with Celia at all. It was Annalisa thinking she couldn’t do it, that she would be inadequate. Despite all her worries, having her family gathered around her was reassuring and comforting.
Annalisa gave Nonna the baby and excused herself to her bedroom. She opened up a window to the city and then crashed onto her bed. With the sounds of her loved ones in the living room and the city she’d once dived into with youthful vigor taunting her from the open window, she buried her face into a pillow so that no one would hear her cry.
If she didn’t follow her family back to the Mills, she’d be alone. That was why she was crying most. Loved ones waited in the next room, and she had a baby . . . but she was alone.
As the hollowness of that realization hit her, she decided she couldn’t fight off moving home any longer. She’d tried to ignore it, but there was no rational way for her to stay.
It was time to go back home to the Mills.
Time to give up all her dreams and retreat back to reality. She might never get out of Payton Mills, but that didn’t matter anymore. Nonna was right. She couldn’t be selfish and chase silly dreams. It was time to focus on being a good parent.
When she returned from her bedroom, having washed away her red face, she told Nonna her decision. “I guess it comes down to the fact that I just don’t have any fight left.”
Never had she felt more defeated.
In the morning, Annalisa pushed into Walt’s shop with Celia in her arms. He stood with a customer in a fedora showing off a grandfather clock he’d brought in. “Look at you out and about,” Walt said. “How are you feeling?”
“To be expected, I guess. A little lighter on my feet.”
Walt must have seen the sadness in her eyes and asked the customer to excuse him. He led Annalisa to the back of the store, where he reached for Celia. “May I?”
“Of course.”
Walt cradled Celia in his arms. It was strange to see him take her child in such a loving way. “How’s this new world treating you?” he asked sweetly. “You have so much ahead of you.”
Annalisa thought that was an understatement. So much ahead and so much of it awful. “Walt, I have to go back home.”
He took Celia’s little hand, and she grabbed on to his thumb. Without looking at Annalisa, he said, “That may be best.”
“I apologize. I’ve let you down, and I hate that. You’ve given me every opportunity and allowed me a chance at my dream, but this little one has changed things. I just can’t do it on my own.”
With Celia still holding his finger, he looked at Annalisa. “You haven’t let me down in any way, young lady. Every decision you make needs to be about you and this wonderful girl. I’ve lived my life.”
A tear dripped down her cheek. “I can’t thank you enough for what you’ve done for me, Walt. Seriously. No one has ever done so much. I can’t bear to think of what you’re taking on with your shop now.”
“Annalisa,” he said gently, his eyes on Celia, “I’ve managed to run a watch shop for forty years—and most of it without you. I can figure it out. Look what you’ve done here. You’ve breathed new life into this place . . . and brought me new customers.” He touched his chest and coughed some. “You’ve breathed new life into me despite these damn lungs.”
Annalisa felt so lonely for him. “Why don’t you come back with me? Find a little place in Payton Mills. I feel like we’re family. Nonna would just die if you picked up and moved.”
He handed Celia back. “This is my home, dear, but it’s not that far away. Surely you’ll both come see me.”
Feeling slightly optimistic, Annalisa said, “Yes, you know I will. Whenever I can get a ride. What can I do for you before we go? I can help find a new tenant.”
“Just take care of the two of you. Whatever that requires. Don’t look back. You’ve done more for me than you’ll ever know. You’ve become like a daughter to me.”
“And you, like a father to me,” she cried, thinking she couldn’t endure the pain of any more goodbyes.
He pulled out his handkerchief and coughed into it, reminding her that he wouldn’t be around forever. When he’d stopped, she said, “If you moved to the Mills, I could take care of you. I’d love nothing more.”
“That’s very sweet of you,” he said, leaving it at that.
“Nino is coming to get us tomorrow. I’ll get packed and then clean the apartment. It’ll be ready to show by the time I leave.”
He reached for Celia’s foot, her little white slipper. “Don’t feel defeated. Life throws curveballs.” He shook the foot. “This is one beautiful curveball.”
Another tear came. Celia was beautiful, but Annalisa felt so incredibly depleted inside. “I just hope I can be a good mother. Right now, it doesn’t feel possible.”
“I have no doubt that you’ll be a wonderful mother, but I suppose parenting is no different than anything else. It takes a little practice. Try it on for a while and see what happens.”
Annalisa brought Celia up to her chest. She hoped he was right. Because right now, she felt like the little human in her arms was not where she belonged.
Annalisa thought she’d hit her lowest low when she’d finally admitted to Walt that she was leaving Portland, but walking head down into Nonna’s house with Nino was the ultimate moment of defeat. She’d been the determined one who would find her own place in the world, no matter the cost. She’d left Payton Mills, knowing there was something bigger for her out there. After she’d graduated high school, they had watched her go and had wished her luck, and she’d felt so proud driving away in Thomas’s VW that day.
Only to come back home. Her clothes, sewing machine, a few of her paintings, and her wind chimes were packed in Nino’s car.
Her feelings of defeat made no sense, because the entire Mancuso clan waited for her, and they didn’t treat her like a failure. Some of them had been there for the birth, and now they were here for her return. She could barely get Celia through the door before they stole her away.
Feeling another cry coming on, she excused herself to her bedroom and fell onto the bed. She was right back where she’d started. For almost three years she’d planned her escape, and she’d failed.
Nonna knocked and came in, taking a seat beside her. “This is all normal,” she said.
“I don’t know about that. This doesn’t feel right. None of it. I feel like I’m living someone else’s life. I’m a terrible mother. Sometimes I look at her and feel so angry. She’s the most beautiful girl in the world, and all I can see is Thomas and what he did to me and the life she’s taken from me.” Annalisa couldn’t believe the words coming out of her mouth, but they were true.
Nonna sighed and paused. “You have a lot of life to live. You can’t figure it all out within two years of graduating from high school. This is nothing more than a setback.”
“A setback? This is more than a setback. I don’t feel like I’m starting over again. I feel like I’m crawling into my own grave and giving up.”
“That’s up to you, no?” Nonna asked. “I know you have what it takes to be a good mother, but you’ve been a free spirit. It may take some time to connect with that person.”
Annalisa sat up on the bed, her feet on the rug. “I keep wondering if I need to put her up for adoption, and now it’s too late. What would everyone think of me? Now that they’ve met her. Now that she has a name? It’s too late, and I failed her.”
Nonna let out a subtle smile. “You young ones think it’s all supposed to be sorted out, that there are answers out there. I’m not sure there are. Quit trying to decide what the rest of your life will look like. Embrace these moments. You have plenty of time to learn how to be a good mother.”
Annalisa shook her head. “I wouldn’t even know how to start.”
“You can start by getting out of bed,” Nonna said, repeating her advice from one of the days after Emma’s overdose. “When it comes to being a mother, that’s your first victory.”
“I just want out, Nonna.”
Nonna patted Annalisa’s hand. “That’s the one thing you can’t have.”
There was no doubt that Annalisa had every opportunity to learn how to be a good mother. She watched Nonna taking care of Celia in awe. Nonna could somehow make three incredible meals a day, keep the house clean, and keep Celia laughing all the way to bedtime. Annalisa thought it funny that she’d been painting those women walking in and out of Pride’s, thinking they embodied strength. Now, Annalisa knew no one embodied strength more than Nonna.
It seemed impossible for Annalisa. For the next few weeks, Annalisa could barely get out of bed, which meant she couldn’t even enjoy that tiny victory.
Sometimes she’d listen to Celia crying in the crib next to the bed and do nothing about it. She couldn’t bring herself to get up and try to comfort the girl. What was she to say? Pretend that the world was okay? Annalisa thought that the less she poisoned Celia with her bad energy, the better. Then Nonna would come bursting into the room, any time of the night, and sweep up Celia into her arms and rock her back to sleep.
Annalisa was not capable of this kind of mothering. She was still caught up in thoughts of Thomas stomping on her dream, thinking that only thirty minutes away, he might be back in school at Weston. Or maybe he was in Portland. Either way, he was surely with Linh.
Linh. The name stung every time.
They’d been destined to fail since the beginning. It was awful to think that the warning Thomas’s father had issued at the country club that night they all dined together was spot-on. Annalisa and Thomas were too dumb to see that their limited understanding of the world wasn’t enough to guide them through the hard times. Their relationship was destined to get in the way.
Reminding herself that she had to suck it up and be the mother she needed to be, Annalisa kept stretching her lips, attempting to find the smile she once had. No matter how hard she tried, though, she couldn’t feel the smile, couldn’t feel the joy she needed to show her baby that life was full of opportunity and joy.
Each day took her further away from herself, and her bed became both her sanctuary and her prison. Celia’s cry became a reminder of everything she could have been and everything she wasn’t. If she wasn’t careful, she would never paint again. She felt further from it each day, especially as Sharon Maxwell’s annual show in April came and went.
Chapter 34
AN UNEXPECTED ENCOUNTER
Annalisa’s struggles did not dissipate in the passing months leading into summer, and despite her family’s constant reassurance, she was not growing into being a mother. She tried when she could, but the hurt she felt inside crushed her, and at times she wondered if her pregnancy had triggered some illness that the doctors couldn’t find.
Getting out of bed in the morning often felt like an impossible undertaking, but sometimes the guilt of her failure as a mother was enough to force her to wake and nurse Celia. Still, as soon as Nonna or another family member took over, she’d climb back into the bed and lie there in her miserable thoughts. She barely ate, barely smiled. When she looked in the mirror, she couldn’t even see who she used to be. Her eyes were hollow, and her ribs showed. The lines on her face were that of someone a decade older.
For so many years, she could see the beauty in even the simplest sights. Not now. Nearly all her life, she’d been bursting with the urge to paint. No more. As far as she was concerned, she was now done forever. The world didn’t need more artists, she decided. It was the selfish dream of a girl who didn’t quite understand the big picture.
She couldn’t stop thinking about the mothers around her, girls she’d grown up with in the Mills. They seemed to be so comfortable holding their babies, pushing strollers down the street, going to meet their husbands for playtime in the park. As evidenced by their smiles, they were happy to spend their Saturdays cooking for their husbands toiling away in the yard. These same mothers appeared to enjoy nursing. For Annalisa, it couldn’t have felt more unnatural, and she hated how her nipples cracked and bled. No matter how painful, though, Nonna wouldn’t allow her to stop. Truthfully, Annalisa wanted to continue—despite the pain—as she knew it was best for her baby.
Without a car, Annalisa and Nonna counted on other family members to take them around town to run errands. Nino, who had proved to be a wonderful uncle figure, would often pick up Annalisa and Celia, and they’d go on an adventure. As unhappy as Annalisa felt, she faked it as best she could. Though Nino could see right through her attempts, she hoped her baby could not.
On a warm day in early June, they went on such an adventure. When Nino asked what they should do, Annalisa said, “Can we go by Harry’s and get some ice cream? I want to see if I can get my old job back.”
“Yeah, sure.” He paused. “But are you sure?”
She was not at all sure. “What else am I going to do?”
“I don’t know. I’m sure you could get a job at the mill.”
Annalisa didn’t tell him that she’d rather kill herself. That was where her father had worked. “I don’t think that’s for me.”
“Why don’t you open a little gallery? Something like you had in Portland. The tourists would go crazy for your work.”
“With what money, Nino? Even if I did, we only get traffic in Payton Mills in the summer when all the tourists drive through. How would I make money the rest of the year? What would I sell? I haven’t as much as picked up a pencil since Celia was born. Before that even. I don’t even see color anymore.”
Nino turned back to look at Celia in the baby seat Walt had gifted them. “Just get over yourself and marry a rich man. Use your looks to your advantage.”
“My looks? Those are long gone.”
“You’re such a pain, cousin. Seriously, get out there and start dating again. Every guy in this town has his eye on you. All you have to do is smile a little.”
“You’re a broken record,” she said, growing irritated. “I don’t want to marry someone just to have some security. I may have lost who I am, but I still have a little dignity.”
They pulled onto Main Street, and Nino looked for parking. “I think you’re confusing dignity with Mancuso hardheadedness. If you’d say yes to one of the guys who asks you out at church, you’d see. Not everyone cares.”
“I don’t want to talk about it anymore.” It made her stomach hurt thinking of anything to do with love. Everyone told her that heartache goes away. Hers hadn’t waned in the slightest. If anything, it was getting worse.
“I can’t have Nonna support us any longer, and I need to save for a car. I definitely can’t ask you to keep carting us around for the rest of our lives.”
Nino slowed the car. “Yes, you can. That’s what family is for.”
Moments like this lifted her up. She might not believe or have any interest in romantic love, but familial love was a certainty.
“Celia is my responsibility.” She turned back to her daughter, wishing she could be stronger.
They parked in a slanted spot outside of Harry’s, and Annalisa felt herself being sucked back in by Payton Mills. If she wasn’t careful, she would end up marrying someone she didn’t love just so that she could quit taking from her family. She hated that feeling of being a burden almost as much as being a failure.
Now that she’d tasted what it was like to love, how could she possibly fake her way through a marriage to someone she didn’t care about? After knowing the pain of heartache, how could she possibly set herself up to feel that again? Would it be worth it just to find a father for Celia?
The smell of vanilla always hit her when she pulled back the glass door to Harry’s and the bell rang, and it was an apropos scent, as that was what her life felt like, and that was exactly what her life would be if she settled for some guy just to make her life easier.
Annalisa pushed the stroller as she looked around the shop. A young girl with curls spilling off her head was restocking the candy jars. That used to be Annalisa. This girl would one day be in the same spot as her, being urged to settle for one of the boys from the Mills who had no interest in ever leaving.
“Can I help you?” the girl asked.
“I used to work here,” Annalisa said, thinking of the days when Thomas used to come see her, and when he’d strut in, and the bell would ring, Annalisa’s own bell would ring too.
“Oh, that’s neat. You must be Annalisa, right? Harry’s told me about you.”
“That’s me. Is he around?”
“He’s in the back. Let me grab him. I know he’ll be excited to see you.”
While Nino eyed the tubs of ice cream through the glass, Annalisa picked up Celia and said to her swaddled baby, “This was my old life. Your mommy used to work here.”
Celia was adorable and had started to develop a more distinct look, so clearly divided between Thomas and Annalisa. Celia’s curious and loving smile looked like it had been sculpted from Thomas’s face, but the little girl had Annalisa’s occasional suspicious glare. Like Annalisa, she also had a full head of dark-brown hair. Sometimes, when she looked at her daughter, she felt her heart hurt. Not today, though. Today, looking upon her daughter made her happy. Maybe that could be considered a victory.
“Look who’s come home,” Harry said from behind the counter. When he noticed Celia, his voice rose an octave. “And look at this little one.” He rounded the counter and opened up his arms.
