Letters of comfort, p.6
Letters of Comfort, page 6
Tears clouded her vision. If only there was something to feel joyous about. If William and I had gotten married, we would be together today, celebrating our first Christmas as husband and wife. It’s not fair that he was taken from me. Doesn’t God care about me anymore?
“Whatcha doin’ there by the window with your eyes closed?”
At the sound of her sister’s voice, Doretta opened her eyes. “I was just thinking is all.” She could have said that she’d been praying, but it would be a lie. Truth was, she hadn’t prayed about much of anything since the accident. What was the point in praying? Doretta had asked herself that question many times since she’d been told that William was dead.
“What were you thinkin’ about?” Karen gave Doretta’s pleated skirt a little tug.
“It was nothing important.” Doretta moved away from the window, made her way over to one of the straight-backed chairs, and carefully lowered herself into it.
Karen came over and stood directly in front of Doretta. “Hallicher Grischtdaag.”
“Merry Christmas to you too.” Doretta could barely get the words out, but she figured it was good practice, because she’d be expected to say “Merry Christmas” to Grandpa and Grandma Schwartz when they arrived, as well as others in the family. It wouldn’t be easy, but she couldn’t be rude. And maybe if she forced herself to give everyone a Christmas greeting, it might help pull her out of the dark depression she felt—at least for a few hours.
With all the excitement of a ten-year-old girl, Doretta’s sister tipped her head to one side and shouted, “Grandpa and Grandma must be here! I hear a horse and buggy pulling into our yard right now.”
Doretta was on the verge of telling Karen to keep her voice down, but the child raced out of the room before she could say a single word. “Here we go,” Doretta murmured. She stopped talking to herself and let her thoughts take over. It’s time to put on my make-believe happy face now so that no one will be on my case today. She shifted her position carefully. Sure hope no one will ask me to sing and yodel today. I’m truly not in the mood for that. I just wish everyone would leave me alone and stop trying to cheer me up. If something unexpected happened and they were thrown into a situation like mine, I doubt that they’d be thinking happy thoughts all the time.
Warren lay on his bed, staring at the ceiling. Somehow he had made it through their Christmas meal, but a pounding headache had been the excuse he’d needed to take refuge in his room. It had been ever so hard to look at William’s empty chair at the table, and he’d been tempted to get up from his own chair and remove it. But that wouldn’t have gone over well with his mother; Dad, either, for that matter. They seemed to find comfort in seeing William’s chair, where his winter jacket had been draped over the back as though he might return at any moment. Instead of his brother’s outer garment offering Warren comfort, seeing it there was like a knife piercing his soul.
Warren and William had always shared a bond that went deeper than the fact that they were siblings. He’d read a magazine article once about identical twins and the closeness they shared. It had stated that some sets of twins were so much alike that when one of them came down with some illness, oddly, the other twin did too, even if they lived miles apart. However, for Warren and William, it went a little further than that. In addition to being identical, they were mirror image twins, which occurred in about twenty-five percent of identical twins. This type of twinship occurred when one twin carried anatomical features, physical characteristics, and sometimes personality traits that were the opposite of their identical sibling.
Their parents had been told, and later Warren and his brother learned, that some studies had been done on mirror twins. Apparently, the researchers believed that mirror twins happened when the fertilized egg split later in development, usually about nine to twelve days after conception. When the split occurred, the genes that determined the left and right sides of the embryo were already active. Each twin took one side, resulting in a mirror image effect. Although the twins were still identical, some of their features appeared opposite of one another.
Warren smiled as he thought back to the day when he and William were children and they’d discovered that even though they both had the same color of brown hair and blue eyes, their dimples were on opposite sides of their faces. William’s was on his right cheek and Warren’s was on his left. Another opposite trait was that Warren was right-handed, while his brother wrote and ate with his left hand. Some of their personality traits and interests were different too. William was outgoing and made friends easily, while Warren was more on the quiet side. They both enjoyed a rousing game of baseball and could be quite competitive, but William was the better player and sometimes gave his brother a hard time when they’d played on opposite teams. Warren also enjoyed fishing and played the harmonica. William had never shown much interest in learning a musical instrument, although he did enjoy singing and yodeling. He’d often sang and yodeled with Doretta because she was good at it too. In addition to his enjoyment of hunting and hiking, William liked to play board games with Doretta.
Even with William and Warren’s differences, many people often got the twin brothers mixed up. That was the fun part—at least William had thought so. Playing tricks on the kids at school had usually been his idea. The one person, other than their parents, who had said she never got them confused was Doretta. Even before she and William had begun dating, she’d made the statement that she always knew the difference between the twins.
Little did she know, Warren thought. Doretta sometimes believed the person she was talking to was William, but I didn’t want to embarrass her, so I just went along with it and never let on.
Warren put both hands behind his head and groaned as he reflected on Doretta’s current situation. Today must be as difficult for her as it has been for me. He closed his eyes and said a prayer on her behalf, ending it by asking God to give Doretta a sense of peace and acceptance of the things she could not change.
“Good morning, girl,” Margaret said as she entered her horse’s stall to give her mare, Honey, some hay. “Should the two of us go for a ride later today?”
Honey’s ears perked up, and her honey-colored tail swished back and forth.
“You like that idea, don’t you, pretty girl?” Margaret reached for a brush and began grooming Honey’s back while the mare ate. She thought about Warren, wishing he could join her on the ride. It would be more enjoyable than if she went out on the trail and rode alone.
Last night, Warren had stopped by the house, but he didn’t stay long and hadn’t even brought her a Christmas present. He’d also mentioned that he wouldn’t see her until they went to work at his store the day after Christmas. Margaret had tried to hide her disappointment, and rather than cause him to feel guilty about it, she’d kept the wallet she had planned to give him for Christmas, deciding it could wait for some other time. She wondered, though, if there was any hope for their relationship to develop further. Maybe if she could be patient and do whatever it took to make him see that she would make a good helpmate, things would change. Maybe I should take a ride over to his parents’ place with some Christmas cookies. That way I could see Warren and try to lift his spirits. She pulled a piece of straw from Honey’s mane. But if my timing is off and they have company visiting, it would be rather hard to have any alone time with Warren, so maybe riding over there today is not a good idea.
“What are you doing out here? Shouldn’t you be inside getting changed so you look presentable when our company arrives?”
Margaret stopped brushing and turned her head. She was surprised to see her eighteen-year-old sister, Alisa, standing on the other side of the gate to Honey’s stall. Margaret had been engrossed in her thoughts and hadn’t heard anyone enter the barn.
“I’m brushing my gaul.” She gestured to her horse. “Honey enjoys the extra attention I give her, and we’ll be going for a ride later on, so I want her to look good.”
Alisa’s pale eyebrows furrowed. “You spend too much time with your mare. Sometimes I think you care more about that horse than you do your good-looking beau.”
“That’s not true. I spend eight hours, five days a week with my boyfriend while we’re working at the health food store.”
“But you’re both being busy, stocking shelves, unloading boxes, or waiting on customers. That’s not the same thing as hanging out just the two of you while spending quality time together doing something for fun the way Marvin and I do when we’re not working at our jobs.” Alisa looked straight at Margaret. “Warren didn’t stay here very long when he stopped by last evening. Maybe he senses you care more about your gaul than you do him.”
What an unrealistic remark, and of course it’s not true. Margaret clasped the brush she held so tightly that her knuckles turned white. “That’s not true, and Warren knows it. The problem is, he’s either focused on making his new business succeed or is thinking about how much he misses William.”
“You can’t blame him for that. Maybe you should try to be more understanding. It hasn’t even been two full months since the accident that took William’s life. Warren and his parents are still grieving. This is their first Christmas without William, and it has to be a difficult time for all of them.”
“You’re right, Sister. Maybe he isn’t thinking or acting quite like himself yet. Even so, I can’t help feeling sad and disappointed when he shuts me out. We haven’t gone anywhere together since his brother died.” Margaret flexed her fingers as her frustration mounted. “Guess I need some proof that Warren cares about me more than his business.”
“He offered you a job at the nutrition center. That should tell you something.”
“Jah, that he needed someone to help him run the store, and since I was without a job, he had no problem hiring me.” Margaret stroked her horse’s silky muzzle. “I’m afraid Warren doesn’t see me as his aldi anymore.” She shrugged. “Maybe he never did, really.”
Alisa wagged her finger. “You worry too much. You and Warren haven’t been dating that long. Just try to set your worries aside and give him some time to deal with his brother’s death and get his store running well. When things get back to a more normal life for Warren, I’m sure he will start coming by here more often and asking you to go out with him again.”
Margaret gave a deep, weighted sigh. She wasn’t sure her boyfriend would ever stop grieving for his twin brother, but she would try to be patient and remind him occasionally that he needed to take some time to go riding with her or do some other fun things. Maybe once Warren saw how efficient she was at the store, he would realize that he ought to pay her more attention.
Margaret thought of another inherent problem that remained, one that bugged her to no end. Doretta seems to be taking up space in my boyfriend’s head. Warren has mentioned Doretta several times and the concern he feels about her physical and emotional condition. Margaret pursed her lips. I feel like Warren is so worried about the woman his brother had planned to marry, that he’s pushing me aside. I’ll have to think of something so he will get his mind off her and focus more on me instead.
Doretta sat on one end of the couch with her hands clasped in her lap. It felt good to finally have her cast off and be able to use both hands. What did not feel good was sitting here in the living room with her mother and both grandmothers, forcing herself to take part in their conversation, while Karen sat on the floor near the fireplace, reading one of the books she’d been given for Christmas. The men and boys had gone out to the barn to look at the new horse Dad had bought Mama, so dessert had been put on hold until they returned to the house.
The current discussion among the older women was on the quilted table runner Grandma Schwartz had made for Mama’s dining-room table. Since Doretta felt thirsty and her facial muscles ached from forcing a smile, she excused herself to get a drink of water.
Doretta had only been in the kitchen a few minutes when she heard her name mentioned from the living room. Curious to know what the women were saying, she set her glass of water on the table and moved closer to the kitchen door.
“It’s a shame Doretta didn’t talk much to anyone during dinner. Whenever I looked at her, she smiled, but it didn’t seem genuine. Do you think she’s putting up a front so we won’t keep asking how she’s doing?”
Doretta’s fingers curled into the palms of her hands. She recognized Grandma Schwartz’s voice, and it irritated her that as soon as she’d left the room, she had become the topic of conversation.
She remained in place, wondering what else would be said. Sure enough, her mother spoke up, and her words were not in Doretta’s favor.
“You’re right, Kathryn, my dochder only pretended to be interested in the conversation at our table today, and her smile was not genuine. She wasn’t one bit happy when Karen asked her to sing a little yodeling song, and I knew right away that Doretta would decline. I know my daughter better than anyone else in this family, and I’m also the person who has spent the most time with her since the accident.” After a short pause, Mama said, “I am well aware of her melancholy mood, which she doesn’t seem to be able to shake.”
“There must be something that will cheer Doretta up and help her realize that there are still some good things ahead,” Doretta’s maternal grandmother spoke up.
Doretta flinched as a wave of heat flushed throughout her body. She couldn’t listen to their conversation any longer. She had to go in there and say something.
Breathing in and out several times, Doretta returned to the living room. Positioning herself where she could see all three women, she spoke loudly and in a clear voice. “If you’re going to talk about me, why not do it to my face instead of going behind my back? Didn’t you think I could hear you from the kitchen?”
Grandma Schwartz’s face flamed. “I’m so sorry. I never meant to—”
“I’m going to my room.” Doretta turned sharply, nearly losing her balance, and Mama rushed forward and clasped Doretta’s arm.
“I’m okay, and I don’t need your help; I want to be left alone.” Doretta made as hasty an exit as the confinement of her halo brace would allow. Today was the worst Christmas she’d ever endured, and she would be glad when it was over!
Chapter 8
“Our driver is here. Are you ready to go?” Mama called from outside the bathroom door.
“Almost. I’ll be out in a few minutes.” Doretta turned away from the mirror and glanced at the closed door.
“All right, but remember, this is the day you’ll hopefully be getting your halo vest removed, so we don’t want to be late for your appointment.”
Yes, Mama, I’m hoping to get this awkward thing off today, and I’ll be glad, but it won’t help me get over missing William like I do. Doretta turned toward the mirror and studied her reflection. If her CT scans and X-rays looked good, she would return home today without the ugly-looking, confining apparatus that had held her captive for the past three months. She had been told that removing it would not be a painful procedure, but she could feel some pressure when her health care team loosened the pins. She’d also been informed that once the pins were removed, there might be some fluid oozing out. Soon scabs would form, and once they fell off, Doretta would need to put some lotion or oils on the pin sites to help reduce scarring. Sure hope it won’t be too uncomfortable having those pins removed. I’m glad I won’t have to watch them do it.
She grimaced. I wish I could cut the hair above my forehead into bangs so my scars wouldn’t show. But then I’ve never seen a woman who is a member of the Amish church with her hair cut like that. People will think I am vain if I even mention the silly idea.
Tap. Tap. Tap. “Doretta, please come out now. We need to go.”
After taking one last look in the mirror, Doretta opened the door and stepped into the hallway. When she returned home later today, hopefully she would look a little more like her old self. I hope lying low all this time will have paid off. It might help my mood if I’m able to do more things as I continue growing stronger.
“Business has sure been slow so far today,” Warren said after he’d made his way down the main supplement aisle and joined Margaret behind the checkout counter. “Maybe it’s the cold weather keeping everyone inside their homes.”
“That could be. The temperature is pretty frigid.”
Warren observed her cheerful-looking smile that was enough to warm any man’s heart. So why hadn’t it had that effect on Warren?
“Are you tempted to close the store early today?” Margaret asked.
He shook his head. “Someone might come in at the last minute and need something. I won’t put the CLOSED sign in the window until six o’clock, like usual.”
Margaret’s smile faded. “Umm … I hope you don’t mind, but I need to leave the nutrition center a little early this afternoon.”
“How come? This is the first time you’ve mentioned going home before six.”
“One of our English neighbors is having a little trouble with one of his horses, so I agreed to see if there’s anything I can do to help with the horse’s odd behavior.”
Warren resisted the urge to roll his eyes. Although Margaret was good with horses and had helped some with performance problems, he didn’t understand why working with this particular horse couldn’t wait until her day off. Of course, he reasoned, one of those days off is Sunday, so no work that isn’t absolutely necessary will be done on our day of worship, not even on our off-Sundays, when we often visit some other church district. The other day Warren closed the store for business was Monday, which was only three days away, so he saw no reason that Margaret couldn’t wait until then to take a look at her neighbor’s horse. Or she could go to their place after leaving work this evening.
