Complete works of wilfre.., p.36
Complete Works of Wilfred Owen, page 36
‘English properness’ he gave me offence with his protracted drivelling, sniggering ‘pleasantries’. I found I should be of service here on (one word illegible) so telegraphed an excuse to (one word illegible). I guess my Present is a down (one word illegible) — how ‘topping’! The desire of my ten toes, for as many winters past: and having had one in my last Rooms, it will be the one thing needed.
One thinks of the ‘trenches’ with guilty feelings, in the midst of my surroundings; but my conscience is easily cleared by the recollection of certain happenings in my past.
I had a letter from Dunsden, expressing such a (two words illegible) of the Pope of Dunsden’s (one word illegible) that I have just lain low and said nuffin.
Well done, Mary. I shall have some creepy things to tell her to ‘steady her nerve, like’, such creepy things that creep around and live on living men’s flesh!
Now my ‘mental’ Doctor has sent me to yet another, whom I am obliged to refuse lessons to at present not having time. Isn’t it annoying!
No wonder I show signs of hurry tonight and yet all afternoon I have been sauntering, and spying sparrows in the greenwood!
My Wishes to dear Kin, and to you Myself!
To Susan Owen
4 — December 1914 (Letter 303 in CL) — Le Châlet, Mérignac, Gironde
Dearest Mother,
My occupations are at an end for today. It is striking ten by the village clock. I managed to get a letter off to Leslie yesterday. I forget when last I wrote. Always, when new places occupy my attention I muddle my sense of time. And here is a totally different environment to get used to from that of Bx. city. We went on Saturday to the finest Chateau I ever beheld. There were the traditional ‘extinguisher-topped towers’; and all the rest: a vast affair. The people are comparatively simple. The heir is a seraphic-faced, gentle little boy of eight, so I don’t grudge him the possessions. There is an English governess of the conventional type, to look after this boy and his sister. The Lady of the place was one of the ‘full-length portraits’ in the Paris Salon. But as she was one of the miserables who this morning waited twenty minutes in pouring rain for the tram, that dignity seemed to unstiffen somewhat.
I am invited to go and play tennis at the Chateau on the first fine day!!
However as it will probably continue to rain until June, that proposal is not really so odd as it seems.
We also have the run of the grounds of two other rather nice estates close to; and alternately invite and are invited by the boys to tea.
All the photographs are admirable, as much in execution as in pose.
Father is the only one in whom I spy no change whatsoever. I am sure there is an alteration in your mouth, tho’ it is not the work of Time’s fangs, but of Rice-Oxley’s complete set. Mary is more truly youthful than she was. There is still something Ancient-British about the statuesque arms-folded one. These also are capable of caricature; (but I’m not). Father, rising discreetly into view from amid the mystical flowers, his nether parts yet confused with the background of luxuriant verdure, is most captivating. I suppose I may keep the prints with me. I am ever so pleased to have them. The Masked Lady is a joy to see; you look so well and happy. I hope Father is having a real holiday in Devon.
How decent of Fred. Oliver to blow my trumpet in Cambridge and Bournemouth. Keep him at it. One piece of news was really startling for its novelty: namely that a degree is necessary for teaching in England.
After ten years of hammering, that nail is beginning to give me a headache.
No doubt you know about the sinking of the Formidable. It caused a sinking of spirits and hopes here: and Mlle, de la Touche, who for days has been hinting at keeping the boys, definitely said tonight that they should not go if only I would stay. The Principal of Downside, (a Public school), her solicitor, the boys’ father, their other Aunt, insist that all is safe for going over; nevertheless, and especially as the boys beg for it, Miss de la Touche would prefer to keep them here with me.
I feel flattered to compete with Downside, but would rather throw it up than risk not seeing you for another batch of months. I promised her to tell you how she wishes me to stay; and you will say what you like. I can’t enumerate all the pros and cons tonight. I have to get through four lessons tomorrow morning; which will make a scoop of 12 francs, not so bad seeing there are no expenses. This, however, is not a typical day, and I must beware being lured by this state of things. For tho’ I am not needy, I am poor. Better to be poor than needy, but woe unto him that is both...
So in the meantime I am documenting myself with shipping news: and, in fault of another bust-up in the Channel, hold to my intention of starting, with courage and with love. —
Yours Wilfred Don’t mention Bordeaux on address!
To Susan Owen
Friday, 8 January 1916 — (Mérignac)
Dearest Mother,
I am replying to yours of 3rd. and 4th. and am ‘sitting up’ to do so. I may make you ‘sit up’ likewise. Two days ago Miss de la Touche asked me to stay for 3 months more. I promised to, if you were agreeable, since work with these boys (in Latin especially) would do no harm to myself.
Moreover, keeping, on my Bordeaux lessons, my total earnings would be equivalent to £2.00. a year. Next day comes a telegram from China, saying ‘send boys Downside’, and this was a bolt from the Celestial Land which knocked us all on the head. The Aunt is more afraid of going against her brother’s will than she is afraid of mines and bombs. Still people here all counsel her to continue the present arrangement, and exaggerate the dangers of crossing. On the other hand ‘the Head’ of Downside writes persuasively and even has the undisguised cunning to write to each of the boys personally. The boys of course have no sort of wish to go back, but are beginning to lose their appetites at the thought of it.
When I first made the necessary output of strength to carry back the date of my homecoming over three more rocky months, I was not a little jolted by the new turn of affairs.
We are not really settled yet.
I am able to preserve a strictly neutral attitude, so that should simplify the decision-problem.
It would be profitable for me to stay, and not unpleasant; whereas to start, tho’ what you might call ‘mighty’greeble’ would be little profitable.
The very latest report that I am able to give you is that Miss de la T. has written to Downside tonight saying she means to send the boys by train, judging that hours on the water entails less danger than 3 days.
(You know a boat that left Bordeaux early in the year went down in the Bay, the sea was so frightful.)
This is much more expensive, but the excess of the train — over the boat-fare in my case is undertaken by the de la T’s. Considering how much safer it would be, I feel equal to the ennui of a land journey. We may pass a day in Paris, so that will brighten the whole business. I think you will be easier knowing I am not exposed to chances of mine or torpedo. In case I am wanted to stay, I know I have your willing consent.
After all, these bogus starts bring us nearer, than a long imperturbably, settled period of sojourn.
Now follows something important.
I have long been talking to and talked at by a very ‘businessy’ business man, who deplores that I do not consecrate myself to Business, even as Miss Rayner did of Science, and Mr. Wigan of Religion.
Not to ramble about this good Merchant, and his impossible tenets, I want to propose that Uncle Ted, that is Ed. Quayle, Esq. be approached about the possibility of doing great things with the French Government.
Recently, the Minister for War has asked for Tin Articles, since an enormous number of pots and pans are needed for the new recruits. I understand that it is the manufactured article that is required; but if the prospect of relations with the French Army interests in any way Uncle Ted I can tackle the Minister for War. What my friend advised me to do is to get price-lists and samples from England immediately. Unfortunately the Ministère de la Guerre left Bordeaux yesterday (the last to depart), but I still have access to the responsible officials. Mark, it is not an enterprise of my cute friend (Peyronnet), for I myself, supposing I am here, would represent the Canning Tin Plate Co., if permitted. Poor Peyronnet is a Manufacturer of Perfumes, and is mad that Eau de Cologne is not strictly necessary in the trenches. His friends, the Bootmaker, the Bicycle-Maker, etc. having Gov. Contracts, are making piles. Why not his friend the nephew of the English Metal Merchant.
Let Father act immediately: repeating my words to Uncle. (On no account show these scrawled pages.)
Multitudinous thanks for your voluminous last letter. I keep well, very. Am seeing Dentist — paying with English Conversation! Clever Dentist, I believe.
Fondest Wishes to all, Yours ever, W.E.O.
1915
To Susan Owen
Postcard (?Early January 1915) — (Postmark Bordeaux)
All serene: bitter cold weather: pleasant: good fire: went in Prefect’s motor to Antique Shop yesterday: another trip tomorrow to see Russian encampment hereabout: no ‘Sunday letter’: — dinner with Raoul— ‘Mrs.
Owen not write more since one month’: month hence quit France: Alas!
Hip-Hip-H O O R A Y! Much health — many friends — no worry — much hope — no money — How’s Yourself? God save the King — an’ You-an’-
Me.
To Susan Owen
Postcard Wednesday, 15 (J4) January (1915) — (Postmark Bordeaux)
Have just had your letter: & am sending this to acknowledge it. Will write to Alpenrose for Sunday. Father may well inquire about the weather here. It is phenomenal; it has snowed on three occasions — (the first snow for some years.) One of my pupils says he does not remember such a cold for thirty years. At this moment it is snowing hard, & the snow has every sign of ‘sticking’ for days. I am perfectly warm, thanks, both night and days; thanks to Extra Vest & Two Mufflers by day, Dressing & Academic Gowns by night, and extra Internal Fuel, in the shape of Swiss Milk! There are excellent stoves in the Union — I have already said it is situated almost immediately opposite the door of the B. School: i e. Rue du Temple. Best love, W
To Susan Owen
Thursday, 14 (15) January (1915) — (Mérignac)
Dearest Mother,
In consequence of the appearance of Zeppelins in the Channel, our departure is put off for a fortnight at least. That we shall stay on for three more months is by no means fixed. If I wanted I could so work it, and I think I could also bring about an early departure, if I so desired.
It was my pupil the Marine Insurance Agent who told me on Tuesday that twelve Zeppelins were careering over the Channel, while sixteen Aviatiks were about to spring across the Straits. And the announcement of this at once decided Miss de la Touche. I went to the Consul about it, at Miss T’s request, and had the advice I expected: ‘Really can’t say; but Go if you have any reason to go.’
I was gladder to know that you, considering the matter from a purely business-like standpoint, are inclined to my coming, than I should have been if you had wholly advised long-tarrying. The only thing that might make my three months tutoring expedient is that I should be obliged to work at Exam. Subjects, especially Latin, which work would be quite useful., I wonder when and what I shall hear about my great Business Project with Fr. Gov. The good man who pointed out the affair to me is Peyronnet, the Manufacturer of Perfumes. Without offering anything definite, he interests himself in my future, mightily, and, (as I think I said) tries to convert me to ‘Business’. In particular he lauds the position of commercial traveller and apparently nothing would please him better than to see me fairly launched in that line. Now, I have a most praiseworthy desire to get at the root of all evil; but it seems to me that the digging would be too long and laborious. I have every confidence that if I wholly gave myself up to fortune building, and were content to work, and working, wait, I should ‘arrive’ within ten or twenty years.
I consider, however, that that would be a literal losing of my soul; for that those things which my heart would put forth would then come out no more; and those things which my mind would take in, would then enter no more.
All I ask is to be held above the barren waters of want, and moving over the darkness of those waters to brood and to create. Woe is me, should I take to battling with the stream, and wet my wings of imagination!
I could never conscientiously work hard and wholeheartedly at a business. Truly, if I found myself in a fair way to becoming a London surgeon I should not, as Keats did, throw it up, and trust to the voices and visions....
And if I could devote myself to training in Music or Painting, I would take the plunge, were I never to read a book more. I halt between Professions, not between Business or Profession.
Last night I read a sentence that came as gall to me:
‘It is very fortunate that Morris1 did not lack money, or he would never have been able to afford these changes of opinion as to his career; and English Literature, and the beauty of English homes would have lost one of their most important factors.’
When I was with the Consul he suddenly interested himself in me; and, tho’ I dreamed not of such a thing, said he ‘wondered I didn’t go in for this sort of thing’ meaning a Consulship. And he straightway gave me books to read up particulars. He says it would mean a coach, and a sojourn in Spain (for another language), but that the appointments really depended on a ‘Tea-Party Examination’ with the Foreign Secretary or one such. Mr. Rowley himself has £600. a year. This must be considered, as the age limits are something like 23-28. What must no longer be considered is the Assistant Elementary Certificated or Un-
Certificated Schoolmaster. One of the wisest steps in my life was the one I didn’t take (I am with Irish people) in 1911, namely hanging back from what the P.T.’s called ‘College’. ‘What you want’ said John Bulman to me, ‘Is a course in the University of Life’. I have taken that Course, and my diplomas are sealed with many secret seals....
Be more definite in your counsels to me to Come and I will come; or vice versa —
Your very own Wilfred
To Susan Owen
Saturday, 6 February (1915) — Mérignac Dearest of Mothers, Your three last letters were full of charm for me, and the very last did even charm me to a tear. Which is more noble than being ‘cheated to a sigh’ as many things do at present, notably the ‘debosched’ Bosches, (By the way are They called that in England?) and my Boys. Today I first used the stick or them! Generally there is no trouble with them, but this afternoon Johnny (the-eldest-and-ought-to-know-better) got up a tree and wouldn’t come down. So instead of taking a hatchet and felling the tree, I promised a caning and gave it last thing at night. A little later we go into the Orangery of the Chateau (not shown in the Picture Postcard) and I give the order ‘Now, don’t touch the fruits.” Straightway Master Dédé begins to caress the most fattest of the oranges. So I caressed his fattest parts with a great fiat ruler. Only I was in an agony of laughter all the time, and all but shattered the foundations of our Government with my roars. If the poor boy had guessed what my sort of addled smile meant... but he mistook it for a sardonic frown.
The Schoolboys are to spend the Easter Holidays in England with some friends; so I quite hope to make a start at the beginning of April.
Have you seen the latest declaration from the Germans, that the English waters are considered after the 18th of Feb. as being the seat of war, and no more consideration will be given to passengers and crews!
God speed Harold!
I am sorry I have no photograph to bring true your recent dreams! I did take to myself a cloak at the beginning of the winter; and cold is the last thing I suffer from. And then there is the excellent breakfast before I start out every morning: and a great lunch, followed by coffee, at twelve-thirty, and a toast-and-tea at five, and a savoury dinner at seventhirty! (Our Cook was late in the service of the Minister for War; and you may know the reputation of the French Magnates) I could not bear to draw comparisons with the life of the trenches and mine; unless I felt in a manner to have suffered my share of life. And I feel I have.
I have not abandoned all idea of enlisting, but it need be discussed before I get home. My present life does not, as Father points out, lead to anywhere in particular; but, situated where I was, say in 1911, I don’t think I could have done wiselier than I did. I have not struck out in any direction yet. I have made soundings in deep waters, and I have looked out from many observation-towers: and I found the deep waters terrible and nearly lost my breath there.
Of the many prospects of the world that I have spied upon, there is only one field in which I could work willingly, and would work without wage. Only, I must wait for the water of many seasons before I hope to produce one acceptable flower.
If I study, I shall do so not ‘to make a comfortable future for myself.’ I should go about things another way for that. But suppose I missed the purpose of my life?
I talk randomly; but I think discreetly. My faith is like a weathercock; but my hope is like a Tower, a strong and haughty Spire. And my love is as wide as the wide world. I seem without a footing on life; but I have one. It is as bold as any, and I have kept it for years. For years now. I was a boy when I first realised that the fullest life, liveable was a Poets. And my later experiences ratify it.
To Susan Owen
Thursday, 18 February 1913 — (Mérignac)
My own dearest Mother,
I sent off a P.C. this morning as soon as I heard of your Grippe, but I couldn’t say all I should like to. I wish, now, that I had got over to England at Christmas, since the plots thicken all the time, and if Easter passes and I am still stranded, I shall be downright unhappy. At present Homesickness is not a declared malady with me; and only makes me troubled when I read your letters or definitely let my thoughts run on home. Your last news has not caused me to worry but only to spend all my spare thoughts upon you. I hope Mary has stopped her Hospital Business, and devotes her professional experience to your profit. You must indeed be wondering about Harold. (His P.C. was not in my letter). For my part, I have not — like him — touched smoking. I leave it involuntarily for days together. With me, I never produce a cigarette at fixed hours of the day. With me, smoking is not a habit. It is rather a mild mania. And be sure I prize my heart-beats more than tobaccopuffs.
