Better not cry, p.10
Better Not Cry, page 10
part #8 of Rebekka Franck Series
They ate their ice cream while I kept looking in through the window of the living room to see if the tree was still in place. It was.
About an hour later, the chimneysweeper came back down, shrugging. "I couldn't find anything. The chimney is as clean as it can be. Nothing is stuck in there. I went through it twice."
"But…but…what...about...?"
He shrugged again. "I don't know what to say to you. There's nothing there. Not even blood."
I thanked the guy, then looked at the kids. They all had terror in their eyes. No one was moving. Not even William. He was holding the ball between his hands, sucking his pacifier like that kid on The Simpsons while staring up at the chimney. Julie and Tobias were holding each other's hands, also looking up, then back at me.
"Mom?" Julie said.
I clapped my hands and smiled. "How about some Christmas shopping?" I had to get them to think about something else and to get us all out of this house for a little while.
"Let's go to the mall."
43
Merritt Island Square Mall was packed with people. Sune didn't want to come, so we left him back at the house. He had been on my case about the chimney and what we had seen, accusing me of spreading unnecessary fear among the kids, telling me I was hysterical and I had made the kids just like me. He didn't believe there had been blood and even when I showed him the bloody newspapers, he told me he couldn't see it.
"It's completely dry," he said. "It all looks perfectly fine to me."
I was glad that the kids had seen what I saw; otherwise, I would have thought I had gone crazy. I was starting to believe I was crazy, with the things I was seeing and hearing. Sune, on the other hand, believed I was making up stories and getting the kids to believe them.
"They'll believe anything you say."
"But it was there, Sune. The blood was there."
"I don't care what you tell yourself, just don't make the kids believe in it as well, okay?" he had ended the conversation and rolled back into the media room and slammed the door.
Now we were standing outside Macy's. Julie wanted to look for presents for me, so I let her go in on her own while the rest of us waited outside. Tobias wanted to go to the skate shop afterward and buy a cap for his dad. Meanwhile, William was being a pain in the neck. He had all this built-up energy and I could hardly keep him still. He kept disappearing into stores, where I had to go in and get him.
A big sign showing a picture of Santa had his attention now.
"Santa," he chirped, pushing the pacifier to the side of his mouth. I felt like all the other people in the mall were staring at him because of the stupid pacifier, thinking he was way too old to be using one. He was, but he was also a tall boy, so he looked a lot older than he was. I decided I didn't have to care what people thought.
"Yes, William, that's Santa," I said. I looked at the sign with him. It said Santa would appear on stage in the mall at two o'clock.
"Wanna see Santa," William said.
"No, William, not today, baby. Mommy is tired and I don't want to be in a line with a thousand people."
"See Santa," William said again, this time more determined.
"Not today," I said.
"Santa!" now he was stomping his feet.
"No," I said, grabbing him by the hand. "There’s Julie now. Say, hi, Ju-Ju," I said and waved to get his attention on something else.
William pulled his hand out of mine, then yelled so loud it made everyone stop and stare:
"SANTA!"
Then he turned around and ran away from me as fast as he could.
"William! William! WILLIAM!"
It amazed me how fast this child could run when he really wanted to. People were staring wildly, some even grumbling things I didn't hear, and I worried that they thought I was some creepy child abductor trying to catch my next prey, but I had to stop him before he got lost.
I didn't catch up to him before he reached the food court, where he stopped in front of the big stage. Hundreds of kids were already in line.
William pointed at the stage, then said:
"Santa."
I sighed and grabbed him. "Yes, I know it's Santa, but we don't have time today, okay, buddy? Maybe next time."
William's expression grew angry. He pulled out his pacifier, then reached it toward the stage. "Binky."
"Ah, now I see. You want to give Santa your binky, just like we talked about. Of course." I sighed as Tobias and Julie caught up with us. "Well, I guess I can't say no to that, then. Let's get in line."
44
Sydney saw her own reflection in the window at Bath & Body Works. She looked pale. No wonder, with her being up all night most nights. She sighed and waited for her sister, who was touching everything in the store. They were looking for a present for their mother. She had told them that morning that she wanted a normal Christmas this year, as normal as it could be given the circumstances and their father not being there. Still, she was ready to move on.
"Life has to go on, right?" she said. "Besides, my girls deserve a good Christmas this year."
Sydney's' younger sister, Trisha, had beamed with happiness and so had Sydney. They had then decided to bike to the mall and start buying presents. So far, they had been everywhere, Macy's, Sears, Dillard's and still they hadn't found the right thing for their mother. Trisha had found many things she believed would be excellent presents, but Sydney wanted it to be perfect. This year was going to be absolutely perfect. Sydney knew her mother didn't have much strength to arrange everything, so she would take it upon herself to do whatever she couldn't. All Sydney wanted was to give her baby sister a real Christmas. She deserved it. This year had been tough on her.
"Let's go in here," Sydney said and pointed at JC Penney. Once inside, she grabbed a dress and pulled it out into the light. She held it up and tried to picture her mother wearing it.
"You think she would like this one?" she asked her sister.
Trisha looked at it. She seemed to be contemplating for a few seconds before she wrinkled her tiny nose and shook her head.
"You're right," Sydney said and put it back. "Too glittery."
She walked deeper into the store, found a shirt and looked at it, but put it back immediately.
"There's nothing here," she said with a deep sigh. "We should try somewhere else."
"But we've been to almost every store," Trisha said.
"I know," Sydney said.
They walked out of the store.
"My feet are hurting," Trisha whined. "And I’m hungry."
"Let's go get something to eat then,” Sydney said and grabbed her hand. They walked to the food court and got Chick-fil-A. They sat at a table and ate, Sydney worrying that they wouldn't find a present today and would have to come back another day. Sydney hated going to the mall. Too many people there. Too much noise and too many staring eyes.
A flock of girls from her school walked past, one of them whispering something to the others, making them laugh while staring at Sydney over their shoulders. Sydney ignored them.
"Santa," Trisha said.
Sydney froze. "Where?"
Trisha pointed at a poster telling them Santa would be on stage at the food court at two o'clock. Sydney looked at the stage and the long line, then at her watch. It was almost two.
"I wanna see Sa-a-nta," Trisha said.
Sydney started to pack up, throwing out the food they hadn't eaten and grabbed her backpack.
"No," she said.
"Please?" Trisha said.
Sydney shook her head and grabbed Trisha's hand in hers, then pulled her away, hurrying away from the food court.
"NO," she said, so harshly her sister almost started to cry.
45
We waited what felt like forever in that line. My feet were hurting and I was getting hungry. Tobias and Julie continued shopping on their own, every now and then texting me to let me know where they were. I just hoped I had given them enough money, but so far, they seemed to be doing fine.
The clock finally struck two o'clock and the lights turned on at the stage. A woman dressed as one of Santa's little helpers entered with a microphone in hand.
"Merry Christmas, children," she said, sounding hysterically merry. "Anyone here in the mood for a little Christmas song?"
I really wasn't.
"You better watch out," she started. "Better not cry. Better not pout, I'm telling you why…help me out here kids, why is it that we don't pout or cry? Can anyone tell me?"
She reached out the microphone to the kids, and they all squealed so loud it hurt my ears:
"SANTA CLAUS IS COMING TO TOWN!"
"That's right, kids," the lady said, then continued. "He's making a list, he's checking it twice…and why is that?"
Once again, the microphone was turned to the kids, who all, with no exception, screamed:
"HE'S GONNA FIND OUT WHO'S NAUGHTY OR NICE!"
"That's right, kids," the lady said, the bells on her elf hat jingling as she turned her head back and forth. "Now, let's sing the rest together. He sees you when you're sleeping. He knows when you're awake, he knows if you've been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake."
She stopped singing, then looked out at the kids and all their expectant eyes staring back at her, gleaming with anticipation.
"All right," she said and stepped aside. "Here's who you've all been waiting for, kids. H-E-E-R-E'S SANTA!"
Ferris wheel music followed before the curtain was pulled and Santa appeared, walking slowly, holding his belly, smiling behind the beard, waving with a loud:
"Ho-Ho-HO."
I knew he was just someone dressed up for the occasion, someone paid to do this job, but I still couldn't help but shiver slightly when seeing him. William, on the other hand, was ecstatic. He was waving and jumping up and down.
"Santa, Santa!"
Santa waved at the kids like he was some rock star, then sat on the big throne-like chair, laughing, his belly jumping up and down. The first kid in line was told he could go sit on Santa's lap and so he did.
"Now, have you been naughty or have you been nice this year, Mike?" Santa asked.
"Nice," Mike answered and Santa laughed again.
I calmed down, realizing there was nothing strange about this. Nothing out of the ordinary. It was just as it was supposed to be. I wondered if Sune was right, maybe I had let this entire craziness with Sydney and Sara Andrews get to me. I figured it was probably what Sara had said to me, the part about him coming for me now that she had told me her story. It was so ridiculous, I thought to myself. Silly, really. And it was about to ruin our nice Christmas. I wasn't going to let it. Maybe I had imagined the blood thing; maybe I had just gotten the kids all wound up thinking they saw what I saw. Maybe they didn't even see it, but only believed it because I had said so. There clearly wasn't anything in the chimney. And that tree in the living room and the things I saw in the ornaments. It was just my imagination running wild. It had to be. It was the only explanation. Maybe we all had gotten a little carried away and just thought we saw it. Maybe it had all just gotten a little out of hand.
"Who's next?" Santa said and I realized it was William's turn.
"Off you go," I said and pushed him slightly toward the stage. "Go give Santa that binky."
I walked behind him, keeping close to him as he approached Santa, arms stretched out so the man could pick him up and put him in his lap.
"Ho. Ho. Ho. And who do we have here?"
"William," Will said.
I signaled for him to take out the binky, then nodded when he did as he was told.
"Well, hello there, William," Santa said, his voice deep and jolly.
William was holding the binky in his hand.
"Give it to him," I mouthed.
"Oh, you want me to have that?" Santa asked.
William looked like he was considering it for a few seconds, then nodded eagerly. I smiled and took his photo with my phone to remind him when he started asking about his binky. The deal was that Santa would bring him a big present for Christmas in exchange for the pacifier. It had worked for other parents and I hoped it would for us too. Now, all I needed to know was what the boy wanted for it.
"Have you been a good boy, William?" Santa asked putting the binky in the pocket of his red suit. "Or have you been NAUGHTY?"
"Good boy," William squealed. "Good boy."
"And what does such a good boy want for Christmas?" Santa asked.
This was the moment when I was supposed to listen very carefully to make sure he got whatever he told Santa, but I had stopped listening. I was staring at the photo on my screen, mouth agape. In the photo, Santa's eyes were glowing red like Christmas globes, his fingers had long dirty nails, and his teeth, don't even let me get started on his teeth.
"What do you want for Christmas, little boy?" Santa repeated when Will didn't answer.
I was staring at the Santa sitting with my son on his lap, looking perfectly normal. But down on my screen, the picture was completely different.
"Okay, my good boy," Santa said and put him down. "Maybe you'll tell me next time we meet."
I grabbed William's hand in mine and pulled him away, still staring at Santa, my hands shaking as we walked away.
"Was that the real Santa, Mommy?" William asked. "Was it?"
I shook my head and cleared my throat. "Of course not, William. Of course, it wasn't. Santa is way too busy to sit here in some mall. He has to get all the presents done by Christmas, remember?"
"Right." William turned his head and looked back at the man in the red suit as I rushed him away from the food court.
"But who was he, then, Mommy? Who was that man?"
I felt a chill run down my spine as I finally spotted Tobias and Julie and waved at them, rushing to them so we could get out of this place in a hurry.
"I don't know, sweetie," I said. "I really don't know."
46
It was getting ridiculous. They had been in every store in the entire mall, many of them twice. They had eaten lunch and dinner there and still hadn't found a present for their mother.
Sydney was upset. What if they never found one? They could hardly have Christmas without a present for their mother. Trisha was getting tired and whiny as Sydney dragged her around the mall, going into store after store, looking at everything on the shelves.
"Why don't we just give her that apron I found in Macy's? You liked that," she said, tired.
"No," Sydney said and dragged her sister inside Books-A-Million.
"Why not? It was fun. It said MAY THE FORKS BE WITH YOU," Trisha said. "It's like Star Wars and Mommy loves Star Wars."
"Would you like to get a present that said, hey, woman, get back in the kitchen where you belong? No. I want this to be a present Mom will be excited about, one that will cheer her up, not one that tells her that we only see her as someone who'll cook for us and serve us."
"But she's not," Trisha said. "Not anymore. You're always cooking for us. She never cooks anymore."
"Exactly," Sydney said. "I don't to make her feel bad by giving her an apron. Just like I didn’t want to give her a new pan or those utensils you wanted to give her. It has to be something spectacular. It has to be."
"Why?"
"Because it has to be. It simply HAS to be!"
Sydney was yelling now. She felt how her nostrils were flaring and could tell she was scaring her sister. She calmed down.
"I'm sorry," she said and ran a hand through her hair. "I'm just so tired and I want to find the right thing."
They left the bookstore. Sydney looked around at the many stores surrounding them, not knowing which one to go into next.
"How about a scented candle?" Trisha asked.
"No. You already suggested that once," Sydney said.
"Some underwear from Victoria's Secret?"
"No!"
Sydney felt the mall spinning around her. So many voices, faces, and bodies swarming around her. Some were laughing, some were fighting, others just looking, not uttering a word to one another, lots were on their phones until they bumped into someone.
"Where are we going now?" her sister asked.
"I don't know," Sydney answered.
And then she saw it. The small shop that was squeezed in between Islander Comic & Collectibles and Vitamin World. In the window, they had a dog, a rescue puppy. Its big brown eyes looked back at her.
"I know exactly what we should give her," she said and approached the window.
"A puppy?" Trisha squealed with happiness. She could hardly breathe. "That's a good idea."
Sydney smiled. The puppy could keep her mother company when she felt lonely, especially when they were both in school and even at night when she felt lonely in bed, it could sleep with her. It would get her out of the house too, to go on walks. Sydney had read online it was very important for people in grief to get outside and get some fresh air and that having a dog was a good way to move on.
"It is a great idea," Sydney said and looked at it through the glass. "It's the perfect gift."
47
Sune was in the kitchen when we got home. Much to my surprise, he smiled when we walked in. The smile seemed a little manic, but at this point, I would take any type when coming from him.
"I baked," he said.
I stared at him, then at the kids, who stood with their jaws dropped, eyes wide gazing at him.
"You what?" I asked.
Sune rolled to the oven, grabbed some oven mitts, and pulled out what appeared to be a cake.
"Chocolate cake," he said.
The kids and I exchanged glances. Theirs said: What's going on?
I shrugged for an answer, then mouthed: I don't know.
Sune held the cake out between his hands. It smelled really good but slightly burnt.
"What are you all looking at me like that for? I thought you'd be hungry when you got back."
"It's just…you've never baked before, Sune," I said.
